Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: LAND at the end of Line 1 or 2 or 5
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick using LAND at the end of Line 1 or Line 2 or Line 5. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my limerick:
A consultant was hoping to land
A restaurant client whose brand
Had been tarnished by scandal;
Its chef was a vandal
Who went nuts when his cooking was panned.
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same rhyme word and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Chef Humor, Consultant Humor, Crime & Punishment Humor, Food Verse, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Poetry & Prompts, Restaurant Reviews & Humor, Tags: Competition Limerick, Writing Prompts
A chap knew the lay of the land
She was ugly but very well tanned
And she said to him “Honey
I just want your money”
So he drew a line in the sand.
A man had less supply than demand
And he’d had it to here with his hand
So he said, when he found
The best hooker around:
“I’m loving the lay of the land!”
Copland’s opera, “The Tender Land”,
Was shrugged off by some critics as bland;
I suppose that they missed an
Aida or Tristan.
(All opera needn’t be grand.)
When he heard she cost over a grand,
He held back back (this was more than he planned).
But her pimp made the sale,
As he did without fail.
After all she’s the lay of the land.
McDonald’s new menu was panned,
But they barked back it’s going as planned.
When you’re looking for sales,
Greasy sugar prevails.
Why not live off the fat of the land?
It was quite a skilled slight of hand
To know where the moved coin would land
It is a shell game
And much to his shame
The mark never did understand.
Captain Sully managed to land
In the Hudson, always in command.
His plane hit a geese flock
It was quite a shock
He’s a hero. Some know that firsthand.
We’re all immigrants in this land,
Alas, most folks don’t understand.
“Give me your poor and your tired..”
They want Liberty retired;
They now want all refugees banned.
I’m a strange gal within a strange land
So much now I don’t understand.
I’m for justice and peace,
I want suffering to cease…
Corporate greed has the dominant hand.
They travel all over the land
to enunciate “Just where they stand.”
It’s a sham through and through;
For their acolytes who
Love a circus, so strike up the band!
On the set they told him “you’re canned!”
His acting was boring and bland
‘But what about Connery?”
“oh, he’s an anomaly
understandable only in ScotLAND
See the spot where the stream meets the land;
Feel the breeze; watch wildlife, small and grand.
Each in its place,
With struggle and grace.
Breathe it in and you will understand.
The 50’s were dull, wives still canned
Flights in space had not ever been manned
But then Polaroid
Brought us awe as we toyed
With those really neat cameras by Land.
Youngsters, you may need to google Edwin Land. I can still remember my fascination at watching a picture slowly develop right before my eyes!
I live in a broad southern land
With Kangas, koalas and sand
And not wishing to boast
We have a great coast
Where surfies and bathers get tanned.
+
I’m hotter than Luke with his cool hand
My tackle looks curved in a right stand
I master the bait
A catch it can wait
The pun it might sink where it will land
An alien spaceship would land
On Earth; had a search for life planned
They conducted this search
At the Westboro church
“No intelligent life, but it’s manned.”
On stage, umpteen candidates stand
For the Number One Job of the land.
Yet each politician
Has *one* clear position:
That Parenthood shouldn’t be Planned.
There’s Donald, Ben, Huckster and Rand…
Yet civics they don’t understand.
“We’ve learned,” they explain,
“How to fly a campaign,
But we don’t need to learn how to land!”
The Diva screamed “No! I’ve been panned
I’m the best Auntie Mame in the land”
Her agent said “Bite me
you’re coming up Ninety!”
so he now lives on Heligoland
A body of charlatans grand
Vie to be chief of the land.
But in making a case
To their dissolute base
They fashion an abhorrent brand.
Out fishing her murder was planned
He wanted a share of her land
with a smack from the oar
she would nag him no more
but right then the boat engine jammed
The Gallery opening was crammed
with collectors, the best in the land
kids found the buffet
stuffed their faces all day
and poor Dali got buttered and jammed
My favorite part is to land
I squeeze my husband’s hand
I hate to fly
I think I’ll die
Next time, my dear, we disband
Woody Guthrie said this is my land
I always give him a hand
I came here from Cuba
To play the tuba
I just love to beat the band
A bottle was found in the sand
With a note from a far-away land.
“We’ll come to your shore
Like so many before;
– But not ’till The Trumpster is canned.”
His poor wife sat hanky in hand
she hoped the will left her his land
he wrote books for leisure
so he left her his treasure
his faithful old Remington Rand
At the movie she sure hadn’t plannned
On the place where her right hand did land
It was dark, couldn’t see,
Meant to just pat his knee,
But he loved it when she stroked his gland.
Just a banjo, no need for a band
As the embers of justice he fanned
Folk music’s more meager
Since losing Pete Seeger
He “hammered all over this land.”
His work day did not go as planned
Unemployment is where he would land
Tried to pick up a chick
And got kicked in the dick
That’s the second time that he got canned.
Cried Gilligan, “Hey, I spy land!”
In a jiffy the lifeboat was manned
Though it proved a diversion
The Minnow’s excursion
Found nothing but palm trees and sand.
Oh, my! Ginger’s body was grand!
Did The Prof ever get “Mary Anned”?
The Howells and The Skipper
Remained very chipper
For reruns, just watch TV-Land.
Spouting nonsense across the land,
That guy’s been yelling to beat the band.
Alas, Mr. Trump,
That mean, whiny grump,
Has not been told “Hey, Don, you’re canned!”
The lothario felt just grand
When lovely gals were near at hand,
Til a dame named Amy
Yelled, “Oh, you’ve shamed me!”
And sent him to the Promised Land.
Frozen O.J.’s firm job I did land,
But the job didn’t go as I’d planned.
I could not concentrate,
So my ultimate fate
Was, of course, that I quickly was canned.
George Gershwin loved his native land
With Ira he composed hand in hand
“Porgy and Bess”
Was a glorious success
Black and white, united we stand
The gift that we gave her was grand
She no longer relied on her hand
On the sofa sat Alice
With vibrating phallus
And Alice was in Wonderland.
If a woman will govern this land
She’ll be the one who’s in command
On one thing you can rely
She will positively comply
With a coiffure by a creative hand
A sunbathing couple would land
On a beach where seclusion was grand.
They’d doff all their clothes;
He’d lie on his nose
And bury his head in the sand.
He came with his hat in his hand
Apology practiced and planned
“I am sorry my Dear
For bruising your ear
That blowfly was trying to land”
Mad
Please change”” the one in command to “the one WHO’S in command”
and with a coiffure by an inventive hand to a coiffure by a “CREATIVE hand ”
Thank you,
Lisi Ardissone
(from MBK: Done.)
We bought an incredible piece of land
With our agenda perfectly planned:
To build a house
(Me and my spouse)
We’ll only owe one thousand grand!
My husband Steve doesn’t understand
Why life to me is sometimes bland
I say, “Leave me alone”
I cry; I groan
“Can’t you see I’m in Depression Land?”
Dr. Frankenstein searched through the land
For each muscle, limb, organ and gland.
Yet his beast makes no fist;
Both arms end at the wrist.
Ain’t he great, folks? Let’s give him a hand!
There are those who think life is grand
not caring on where the dice land
but when I gaze ’round,
there’s dog turds abound
so I look before I shake my hand.
In ’55 I was born in Disney Land
In those days the world was grand
My parents just celebrated their big 4-0
Now I’m 60; how the time does go
Kudos to a pregnancy totally unplanned
It’s not what the G.O.P. planned
When they plotted to conquer the land.
Their “really deep bench”
Caught up in the stench
Of a swamp called the Donald Trump brand.
A nutritionist did as she planned
When she made the first month twenty grand.
Markets dieting fads
To obese moms and dads;
Claims she lives off the fat of the land.
Correction:
When I was born it was grand
’55 in Disney Land
My parents celebrated their big 4-0
Now I’m 60; where does the time go?
Kudos to a pregnancy surprisingly unplanned!
Correction:
My husband doesn’t understand
Why my life is sometimes bland
I say “Leave me alone”
(I cry and I groan)
Can’t you see I’m in Depression Land?”
There’s a fence that surrounds my farm’s land
Signs are posted: ALL HUNTING IS BANNED!
Once a week, catch some poacher
Ask, “Which part of ‘NO’ sir,
Do you seem to not understand?”
The Pope visits US as planned
and neocons fear where he’ll stand
on immigration
given Catholic fixation
on Moses and the Promised Land.
John Boehner could no longer stand
The stresses of leading a band
Who’s wanted to rule
With pitchforks and drool
Stampeding all over the land.
MODERATION
My favorite part is when we land
I squeeze my husband’s muscular hand
I hate to fly
cause I think I’ll die
Next time, my dear, we must disband
FEAR OF FLYING
My favorite part is when we land
I squeeze my husband’s muscular hand
I hate to fly
cause I think I’ll die
Next time, my dear, we must disband
We bought some incredible land
Our agenda was perfectly planned
To build a nice house
(Both me and my spouse)
We’ll only owe one thousand grand
We waited for the plane to land
To introduce Cheryl; she’s oh so grand
HERE HE IS!
MISTER WHIZ!
Who claims he can’t recall our one night stand!
A Paean to the Pirates
My favorite spot in the land
Is the town where the Bucs take a stand.
So bring on the Cards,
And we’ll blast them to shards
On the way to the Series. How grand!
“Game of Thrones”? In the war for the land,
The bloodshed gets so out of hand
That my peter and dinklage
Experience shrinklage…
In *my* house, the program is banned!
(Uh-oh — I hope nobody’s offended by my comparing a fine dwarf actor to shrunken genitalia. It suddenly occurred to me after I wrote it that the comparison might not be apt. Sorry. I have nothing better to offer this week.)
(slight variation on the rhyme)
Some say Schumann’s “Kennst du das Land”
Should be sung by a cool blue-eyed blonde.
Well, to hell with the Germans —
For it’s Ethel Merman’s
Performance of which I’m most fond.
He considered his testicles grand –
Quite clearly the best in the land.
Then again, he supposed,
He should leave them exposed
To make sure they were properly tanned.
His parents were quite frantic and
Told their son not to do what he planned
Said the son, undeterred,
“It’s a boy thing, my word.
Now please leave me alone with my gland.”
But they cried, “Oh please no! Oh my land!
We just can’t let this bathroom door stand.”
“Don’t fret Mom and Dad,”
He replied. “Just be glad
I have everything swell in hand.”
The Volkswagen notion was grand;
Their diesel would never be bland.
But nobody knew
The pollution they’d spew
Now hovers all over the land.
THE AMERICAN DREAM revised
Buy a lovely plot of land
Get your blueprints perfectly planned
Build a house
With your spouse
Get a divorce; it’s time to disband
Those folks who’ve been might understand
Vacations to Disneyworld/ Land
With air, car, inns, admissions
Costing college tuitions
For long lines in the heat? Mousetrap banned
I really don’t think that Donald Trump can,
Be the best president of this land.
Just because he’s a billionaire,
Doesn’t mean that he’ll be there,
When we all need him to take a stand.
Thanks so much everyone for another fun week of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Congratulations to the Limerick of the Week Winner and the Honorable Mention Winners: Limerick of the Week 232.
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Chow and Ciao.