Grand Limerick (Limerick-Off Monday)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:
A fellow’s delusions were grand…*
or
A woman had hopes that were grand…*
or
A fellow had paid fifty grand…*
or
A pianist was playing her grand…*
*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)
Here’s my limerick:
Grand Limerick (Limerick-Off Monday)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A musician whose plans had been grand
Was canned from his gig with a band.
Though his playing was fly,
They told him “Goodbye,
You’re too cute, which is bad for our brand.”
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Appearance Humor, Bands, Branding Limerick, Competition Limerick, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Music Humor & Verse, Poetry & Prompts, Writing Prompts
A fellow had paid fifty grand
To a congressman, buying his hand,
But his price has essentially
Increased exponentially
And now his plot won’t go as planned!
The first electrician
His design for Creation was grand,
Though it needed one final command.
He said “Let there be light!”
But it stayed black as night –
The wiring was not quite as planned.
Where the hell is my five hundred grand
From Nigeria? All went as planned;
I had sent him the codes,
My account should have loads,
But it’s empty – I don’t understand!
The hotel was misnamed as ‘The Grand’;
Both the food and the music were canned;
My room was congested
And foully infested
With roaches as big as my hand.
The hooker was playing her grand
While caressing her customer’s gland.
When he asked “How d’you do it?”
She said “Nothing to it –
It’s a piece by Ravel for Left Hand.”
So, everyone knows that they’re grand,
the huge things that dreamers have planned.
But, whenever they start,
It just breaks my heart,
For fear of the place where they’ll land.
John Boehner’s delusions were grand:
It’s a GOP Congress, as planned.
But to get something done
Needs the White House; so, Son,
Pull the Tea Party heads from the sand.
A woman had hopes that were grand.
And thoughts that would surely be banned.
She’d make her lover
Feel like no other.
He’d always be at her command.
(Note- “Lea” is pronounced “Lee”)
My friend, Lea, plays the baby grand.
In piano, she has great command.
The music she’s making
Is truly breathtaking!
Just hear her play- you’ll understand.
OMG, I’ve won fifty grand
Round the world cruise already planned
But I’ll be damned
Seems I’ve been scammed
And fleeced for ten thousand rand.
The tour was the kind known as “Grand”,
And by now we had reached Sammarkand.
Though the cuisine is Tajik,
We found – it seemed magic! –
A McDonald’s hamburger stand.
YOU SHOULD SEE HER PLAY THE ORGAN
When the pianist fingers her Grand,
It responds to her talented hand:
When she went to begin, it
Was merely a spinet…
It’s funny how some things expand.
The wealthy consider it grand
When a third of the workforce gets canned,
And the money they thieve
Is a Job they receive
From the market’s invisible Hand.
First Brown, and then Garner. The Grand
Jury fumbled. I can’t understand:
Could it be that they slept?
Were they simply inept?
Or has the whole system been Klanned?
(or, in an acrostic)
“We the Jury (not trial, but Grand)
Have decided to NOT reprimand.
In fact, you might say
That we functioned today
Exactly the way we were planned.”
Though it’s often a couple of grand
That must pass to a Congressman’s hand,
For a Big Shiny Thing
And some pieces of string
Louie Gohmert is yours to command.
I wanted to play in a band
Thought saxophone would be grand
They looked at my size
And to my surprise
Placed a trombone in my hand ;0(
OK, I promise: unless some other catastrophe comes up, this will be this week’s last political polemic limerick. Polemerick. Whatever.
Oh, won’t it be awfully grand
If Republicans govern as planned?
All power and might
To the old, rich and white!
Let us now sing “This Land is Your Land…”
My ex, getting married? How grand!
My response, though, was not as I planned:
I tried texting “Good *Luck*”,
But the L must’ve stuck…
When I sent it, I ended up banned.
The studio’s plans were quite grand,
To revive, and show live, flames were fanned.
Execs raved while talkin’
Of Hook, played by Walken,
But sadly, young Peter was Panned.
The Kochs paid each Rep fifty grand,
For a pipeline for oil squeezed from sand.
Their cash they call freedom,
To bribe when they need ’em,
Envisioned, they say, by Ayn Rand.
A fellow had paid fifteen grand
To buy a real small piece of land.
Land was out of his reach
So he bought on a beach
and could only build castles of sand.
A fellow’s delusions were grand–
Paul, first name Rand.
While he ran for President
Wanting White House residence
His plagiarizing Wiki was panned.
A fellow had to leave his band
For reasons he can’t understand
To this day; he was told
It’s fine to be bold,
But display of a pianist was banned.
His delusions were certainly grand
From the start he should have been canned.
He had a big wish
To be a big fish
All he did in the end was crash land.
A fellow’s delusions were grand
A large army he wished to command
His name was George Bush
And with dreams up his tush
He sent soldiers to die in the sand.
A fellow had paid fifty grand
To an antiques dealer in The Strand
But when he collected
He exclaimed “I expected
A lot more than just one nightstand.”
I owed me old bookie nine grand
The games didn’t go as I planned
Now, Tony wants bank
or his boys break my crank
It’s useless since they broke my hand!
A pianist was playing her grand
When she felt a cramp in her hand.
With her eyes full of mist
It sounded like Liszt
When she was actually playing Chopin.
A fellow’s delusions were grand.
He schemed and plotted and planned.
He thought it’d be fun
To chase after the sun,
And ended up thoroughly tanned.
Sorry if it’s a bit risqué.
A woman had hopes that were grand.
Get rich, is what she had planned.
She became a celeb,
From some pics on the web.
I must stop now. Can’t type with one hand.
I’d booked us a room at The Grand,
Details meticulously planned
I’d not bargained for
A knock at the door,
The wife, divorce papers in hand.
A fellow had paid fifty grand.
A nose job is what he had planned.
Doc said, “Take a look.”
“It’s all done, Captain Hook.”
“Oh God! I look like Russell Brand!”
@Bonnie:
Ron Paul had a plan that was grand
When he named his own son for Ayn Rand —
He thought (like Rand’s Roark)
He could blow up the stork
If his son didn’t turn out as planned!
Is this what makes Opera “Grand” —
When the Fat Lady drowns out the band?
After four or five hours
She still overpowers,
With lyrics I don’t understand.
I went for a meal at the Grand.
I thought that their cooking was bland.
And their coffee, I find,
Is a horrible grind —
Maybe “Unhallowed Grounds” is their brand?
The film maker’s vision was grand —
The widest of screens he outspanned!
Still, he felt like a dope
When his Cinemascope
Turned up on TV, panned and scanned.
This Prix was certainly Grand
With a thousand dollars in hand
Went to the used car lot
But my budget was shot
When taxed at the Auto Grand Stand
A woman named Edith LeGrand
Grew a nose in the palm of each hand.
In the meantime, her boobs
Have both turned into cubes
(We suspect a malfunctioning gland).
Creationists say God’s so Grand
That all of the species were planned.
Every land and sea creature
Exhibits a feature
That came from the work of His hand.
In their view, Humanity’s grand.
At life’s pinnacle, that’s where we stand.
But I say if it’s true
We’re the best God can do
Then the deity needs to re-brand.
Or a one-verse version: (please delete preceding one that didn’t scan)
To Creationists, mankind is grand.
At life’s pinnacle, that’s where we stand.
But I say if it’s true
We’re the best God can do
Then the deity needs to re-brand.
I had hoped I’d be winning a grand,
But once more, my dessert was too bland.
Though I enter each summer,
It’s always a bummer;
This year was my custard’s last stand.
Two women playing piano—quite grand
Using feet- what a treat- They both stand
and jump twist and wiggle
Their feet ivories tickle
I’m sure they’ll enjoy a ‘BIG’ hand.
YouTube
Sexting pics to her beau would be grand,
So she sent him a few, nude and tanned
Then she thought, lucky guy,
But he’s slow to reply….
Must be typing with just his left hand….
He told her he’d charge just a grand
For a castle, built just as she planned
She scowled, “You’re a leech,
Get off of this beach!
Take your bucket and cups and pound sand!”
Here I thought myself so clever by coming up with Ayn Rand, but I see two people have already beat me to that idea (with good limericks to boot). Anyway, against my will, I present the following, which is in reference to the Queen of the Market greedily taking her collectivist Social Security checks each month:
So many think that she is grand
That sub-Nietzsche writer Ayn Rand
“All must be sufficient!
All others deficient!”
But government checks she’d demand.
A guy whose ambitions were grand
Started off in the copy room, and
Planned to further advance.
But he fumbled that chance:
His keister he shouldn’t have scanned.
Billy Joel played his big baby grand
With the touch of each artistic hand.
His light touch made gals Misty.
To the brink he led Christie,
Where they’d part like time’s hourglass sand.
A riff on Tom Lehrer’s “National Brotherhood Week.”
Brotherhood Week is so grand.
We hug all the folks we can’t stand.
Seven days of good will
Toward the ones we would kill,
Then it’s back to the vile deeds we’ve planned.
A fellow had paid fifty grand
For a workable prosthetic hand.
He added some updates,
Like vibrating pulpates,
And now he is much in demand.
Hats off to Spinal Tap
A fellow had paid fifty grand,
To hire an 80s rock band.
Once the band had unloaded,
The poor drummer exploded,
They still haven’t found his right-hand.
Roman History (in 5 lines)
The Roman Republic was grand.
Then the Empire became quite a brand.
But after many bad Caesers,
And barbarian seizures
It crumbled away into sand.
A woman had hopes that were grand
She would marry a Prince of the land
But first she must find him
and in order to bind him
always carried an elastic band
A woman had hopes that were grand
write the best limerick in the land
reviewed all submissions
dispelled her delusions
dada dumb dada don’t understand
On this nag I bet my last grand
By the time he passed the grandstand
The race was long over
I’ll tell you moreover
Threw his jockey thus was unmanned
At the track I’m suddenly banned
For a spontaneous remand
Broke and patience tested
All that I suggested
Was that lame horse should now be canned
A woman had hair that was grand.
She would care for each little strand.
She’d comb it and tweeze it
And braid it and tease it,
Then place it each night on its stand.
A pianist was playing her grand
But she wasn’t using her hand.
As the music, she read,
She hit the keys with her head.
“I’m playing by ear, understand?”
A fellow had paid fifty grand
to marry in a castle of sand.
With his bride at his side
they flowed out with the tide.
an drowned in a one night stand
A pianist was playing her grand,
her notes sounding over the land.
Along came a spider,
fresh out from India.
Web-music was not what she planned
The surf and the sunshine were grand
As we frolicked unclothed on the strand.
Now her daddy’s irate,
And a beating her fate,
‘Cept her hide had already been tanned.
The executive thought it was grand;
Got jerked off when she handled his gland.
Thus her job she had kept.
She was very adept
At “dick-tation” while doing “short-hand.”
“For your hit, I was paid fifty grand.
Do you want to know what I’ve got planned?”
“No, oblivion’s best;
I don’t want to be stressed.”
So I buried his head in the sand.
A fellow had paid fifty grand
In hopes of enhancing his gland
But when his girlfriend did see
The results that would be
She shrieked and then promptly ran!
Some of these new smart phones are grand,
But the typing doesn’t work as is planned.
I searched for, “directions,”
But it made some corrections,
Now I’m flooded with Viagra ad spam.
Modern Life
Some issues I don’t understand.
Like, why porn sites are in such demand
Full of pics of young beauties,
Showing off their round booties.
On this topic I take a FIRM stand!
/).-)
A woman had hopes that were grand
As she tried to make chateaubriand
In a circular skillet
Which she heated until it
Cooked dry. The result? Roundly panned.
The suicide blonde looked just grand;
She laid in the sun and got tanned.
Head hair roots caused her strife
So she ended her life.
Folks said that she dyed by her own hand.
Writing limericks is a hobby most grand.
I’ve really become quite a fan.
Filled with innuendo,
They build to a crescendo
And erupt. Now I must go wash my hands.*
*A sensible practice, recommended by 9 out of 10 physicians, to help prevent all sorts of nasty diseases this winter (Plus, I happened to notice the laptop keyboard was a bit… “crusty”).
She takes the boy home, and it’s grand.
Come morning, she’ll reach out her hand,
And she’ll find with despair
That the guy IS STILL THERE…
It’s the dread One-Night misunderStand.
When my mom dropped us off at the Grand,
Just a movie was all I had planned,
But this chick wasn’t staid;
‘Fore the flick had yet played,
She had me in the palm of her hand.
Aren’t those bendy contortionists grand?
I’ve seen one that for 6 years can stand
With one foot in his mouth,
His head stuffed up down south,
Still golfing and leading our land!
The players were all-in for a grand.
Was one card from a dead man’s hand,
Last card and I reached in
Full house did secure the win.
Raking the pot caused a swell to my gland.
When she made the first month twenty grand,
A nutritionist did as she planned.
Markets dieting fads
To obese moms and dads;
Claims she lives off the fat of the land.
She said my cuisine was not grand.
It’s simple, foul-smelling, and bland.
I said, not to be rude,
“I cook in the nude”
“And prefer not to stir with my hands!”
Of Gilbert, I admit. I’m a fan.
The voice of that duck! He’s the man!
Then a big wave came callin’.
He made jokes so appallin’,
And pissed off the whole of Japan.
Using Coke cans to climax felt grand,
But it ended far worse than she planned.
She was caught on the job,
And was fired. With a sob,
Said farewell, ’cause she knew she’d been canned.
A drunk who thought whacking off grand
Put more lubricant on than he’d planned.
Pulled it out in a bar –
His worst move by far,
For that’s when it got out of hand.
Gen’ral Custer with bluster had grand
Plans to wipe out an indian band.
But he took his last shit,
As he made his last sit.
Then he rost up and made his last stand.
A fellow thought synonyms grand,
So he bellowed = thesaurus in hand
From his reference nook.
That was all that it took.
He was let go, or fired, or canned.
The pitching was no less than grand
Innumerable hitters were fanned
Some folks made no stink,
Yet, some others think
Those pitching machines should be banned!
His skill with the saw wasn’t grand.
The cutting did not go as planned.
The tragedy lingers,
But he crossed his fingers,
And now he is great at shorthand.
“No Grander Philanderer”
A man whose delusions were grand
expected that just as he planned
his wife and his lover
would gladly discover
that neither could meet his demand.
A woman playing her grand
— because of her dress. — had to stand
For fear that disclosure
— indecent exposure. —
would leave her Stravinsky show panned.
Grand Deception
A man who had paid fifty grand
for glass in a base metal band
said “Phony?…that’s funny…
so too was the money
I spent on that slick sleight-of-hand!”
“Net Loss”
An oyster whose plans had been grand
for grain that he swallowed of sand
hy the sweat of his swirl
might have crafted a pearl
had he never been caught and canned.
“No Do Haiku”
A man who found limericks grand
said Haiku I don’t understand…
the rush of three waves…
five, seven, five…rows of graves…
sounds etched in wet sand.
Thanks so much everyone for another fun week of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Congratulations to the Limerick of the Week Winner, the Limerick Repartee Award Winners, and the Honorable Mention Winners: Limerick of the Week 193.
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick Snag.