Fretting About Limericks (Limerick-Off Monday)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:
A woman who tended to fret…*
or
A fellow was told not to fret…*
or
A guitarist had broken a fret…*
or
A repairman was fixing a fret…*
*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)
Here’s my limerick:
Fretting About Limericks
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A cellist would frequently fret
Over women the minute they met.
Could he strike the right chord?
But the gals all got bored;
He was one-note — not much of a get.
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Battle of the Sexes, Cellists Limerick, Cello Humor, Competition Limerick, Dating Humor, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Musical Verse, Musician Humor, Poetry & Prompts, Writing Prompts
The bookie, he started to fret
Should never have taken the bet
Ninety-to-one’s bread and butter
Was being a mudder
A freak storm just left the track wet!
The gambler is starting to fret
Because he is deeply in debt.
Went to Gamblers Anon;
Said the bettor named Don,
“Do I want to quit gambling? You bet!”
The musician would constantly fret
That his music was sampled to get
A “new” song from his work
For some cheap rapper jerk
Who could not craft a tune on a bet
I took a long drive to Pomfret,
In central Connecticut, yet
Their few thousand folks,
And some pines and some oaks
Mean they don’t need me. They’re all set.
Don’t you let yourself worry or fret
On past choices you made. Don’t regret
On how things might have been
Could you do them again;
Just move on having learned from them, pet.
I kissed her then started to fret
I’m thinking I might lose this bet
My betting friend Tim
Swore this gal was a him
And this bulge I feel’s making me sweat
A fellow was told not to fret
‘Bout a horse as fast as a jet
The horse it did sway
On a wet track one day
To his bookie he owed a huge debt.
A woman who tended to fret
Her pill she should never forget
Now to her dismay
She’s in a bad way
Was it Tom, Dick, Harry or Brett.
A fellow who tended to fret
Had a girl about to beget
He had a great day
But now he can’t say
Was it the blond, red head or brunette.
The head waiter was starting to fret;
How many complaints could he get?
He’d already had thirty
For forks that were dirty:
The evening was going fourchette.
A woman who tended to fret
when her hair in the rain got wet
looked like an old hag
but her tail did wag
with a pretty new rain bonnet.
He was told by the doctor: “Don’t fret;
Though it’s fatal, there’s time enough yet
To take care of my bill –
Sign this cheque, if you will”,
And he died while the ink was still wet.
She was broke, and beginning to fret,
So she thought that to pay off her debt
She could rent out her cat,
But the problem with that
Was her sign that said “Pussy to let”.
“There is really no reason to fret,
Your retriever is fine,” said the vet,
“But I fear you are not,
For your nose is quite hot
When it ought to be chilly and wet.”
“Oh, you brute, you have fingered my fret”
Said the lady guitarist, upset.
She impaled with her plectrum
The trespasser’s rectum.
He hasn’t retrieved it as yet.
The family started to fret
When old Grandpa behaved like a pet.
He would croak like a frog,
Then he’d bark like a dog,
So they had him put down by the vet.
The bimbo would panic and fret
Whenever she travelled by jet.
“I’m alarmed by those things
That are stuck on the wings –
If it rains, won’t the engines get wet?”
A woman had tended to fret
On problems she didn’t have yet
Till she met a guy
And stopped being shy
It was for her, indeed, kismet.
A woman had tended to fret
Her mind was her only asset.
Till a guy made her feel pretty,
And so desired and witty,
And to his life, a great asset!
A woman had tended to fret
Unless her machines were preset.
A cell phone or computer-
You might as well just shoot her.
She only knew to press “reset”.
A woman had tended to fret
Some vitamins she would forget-
But they do keep her mind sharp
So silly for her to harp!
She hasn’t left out any yet!
This Cockney delivered a fret
To a guy he said owed him a debt
“If you fink it’s a joke
“Fink again,” said the bloke
“I will shoot you wiffout a regret!
The guitarist continued to fret
As he worked on his favorite set.
His fond memories lingered
On his wood that he fingered
On stage, while fans screamed at the Met.
Christmas Pleasents
A woman who tended to fret
Over things she knew she would get
For Christmas each year
Like a cuddly bear
Texted all offenders a threat
Ferdinand Next
A woman who tended to ‘fret’
Over things she knew she’d ‘forget’
Like shutting the gas
Away on the bus
Thought: ” Fred is in bed I ‘regret’
She lived in southern England wher bus
Is spoken as ‘bas’.
I knew I might have cause to fret
When I hit on the sharp-tongued Jeanette
So I bragged of my riches
She said, “Look fancy britches”
You can blow it right out your asset
They told me I’d no cause to fret
When I went to see French Chef Collette
She cooked me a meal
Then disrobed to reveal
Where she kept warm the longish baguette
For hours old Tom would just fret,
Get angry, morose and upset
Over matters quite small,
Or nothing at all.
A waste of time he’d later regret.
Mr. Favre told his players, “Don’t fret
We’re down by eight points, but I’m BRETT.
We’ve less than a minute
But we’re gonna win it,
As soon as I sext that brunette
No bread, and they started to fret –
Not so much as a stale baguette!
“Well, they know how to bake;
Let them simply eat cake”,
Said the helpful Marie-Antoinette.
Zelick Menelovich said:
“She lived in southern England wher bus
Is spoken as ‘bas’.”
Errr … which part of Southern England, Zelick? Everyone I know in England lives in the South, and they all say “bUs”.
The muezzin tended to fret
As he stood on the high minaret.
“Though six dozen virgins
Would see to my urgings,
The dying part? Thanks, but not yet.”
A woman was starting to fret
Oh if only she could forget
That one night stand
She hadn’t planned
But Auntie Flo’s not arrived yet
A woman who tended to fret
Said, “For Bible class I am not set.
I get all confused
By words that are used,
Like ‘thou didst’ and ‘he doth’ and ‘beget’.”
A baker who tended to fret
Also tended to often forget
He was making his will
and is worried still
how to bequeath his baguette
The woman had reason to fret
She’d done something rash for a bet
Her spectacular boob
Was now out on You Tube
With ten thousand hits as of yet
Republicans don’t seem to fret
There’s no Surgeon General yet
Eleven months passed
Since Congress was asked
To confirm Murthy. Still they beset
Why can’t we give Congress a nudge
It’s her stance on guns that they judge
Shootings impact our health
But gun advocate wealth
Sways Congress- so they just won’t budge
With Americans starting to fret
About Ebola being a real threat
Budget cuts, all obscene
Have now stalled a vaccine
VOTE THEM OUT-How much WORSE can this get?
A trapeze artist tended to fret
‘Cause as partners he only could get
Gals named Nancy and Claire.
As he spun through the air,
He so wanted to work with Annette.
The King in his castle did fret
When his Queen took a lover, and yet
He quickly decided
Since she had been knighted,
He could crown anything hot and wet.
If you’re horny, you don’t have to fret.
Simply tell me; you’ll have no regret.
You’ve a fire down below?
I’ll be fireman. You know
I will find you real hot, leave you wet.
His assignment was making him fret;
The washing-machine had been set,
But it seemed a bit funny
To launder the money –
He feared it would come out all wet.
A woman had started to fret
That they’d cancelled her trip to Phukhet
But by some stroke of luck it
Was listed as “fuck it”
That dumb clerk will get it right yet.
Now Boris was starting to fret.
He had problems while surfing the net
And each time he’d login
It messed with his noggin
The pop-up kept saying “Not nyet”.”.
Eyes and Ears
At the opera, Mame started to fret
That she may have misplaced her lorgnette,
But the music she heard
Sounded really absurd!
Was that 8-track or maybe cassette?
The cannibal started to fret:
“My digestion is badly upset;
I’ve acute diarrhoea
Since Thursday – I fear
That it must have been someone I ate.”
There’s a young, single man who will fret
At a wedding; quite nervous he’ll get.
When the bride says, “I do,”
He will always feel blue
‘Cause to him it’s a veiled threat.
A woman intended to fret
When her husband brought home a Corvette
But she soon was elated
For the car had inflated
His under-extended pipette.
Fingers press the right string to each fret;
Strumming lightly, our love song you’ll get.
Such melodious tones
Harmonize with your moans
As I tickle your G-string, my pet.
Saint Augustine woke in a fret
From a dream that he couldn’t forget.
He fell to his knees
To ejaculate, “Please
Give me chastity, Lord — but not yet!”
If the turf on your lawn dies, don’t fret.
Simply go to a sod farm. I’ll bet
They will have what you need.
You don’t have to plant seed.
Instant grassification you’ll get.
Though Republicans claim that they fret
At the size of the National Debt,
Just promise one more
Irresistible war
And observe how excited they get.
I asked Great Grandma, “Don’t you fret?
You can’t ‘member the minuet?”
She said, “Listen here, dude,
I can’t think who I screwed,
Let alone all the men that I et.”
His new URL made him fret
His online pen business was set
He looked twice at the name
Felt a slight twinge of shame
‘Cause it read: penisland.net
The traveler started to fret
Whether he should come home from Tibet.
He was eager to pack,
But grew fond of a yak,
And his lease won’t allow for a pet.
The general public may fret
That Ebola is easy to get,
Prompting panicky pleas
To many MDs,
And occasional calls to the vet.
E-bola has caused me to fret
And be fearful while surfing the net.
And though I’m aware
Of this new viral scare
Norton says my PC’s ok yet!
Republicans typically fret
‘Bout the size of the national debt,
While Krugman explains
That according to Keynes,
“It hasn’t hurt anyone yet.”
Putin will frequently fret:
“I wish we were still Soviet.
It was better by far
In the USSR;
Is democracy pref’rable? Nyet.”
A fellow was starting to fret
That his memr’y was starting to get
A bit odd now and then,
Especially when
He forgot what he hoped to forget.
The villagers started to fret
That they might have too much to regret.
But they found that the food
Was so good that their mood
Was transformed by the feast of Babette.
The husband was starting to fret
That his wife was displaying regret.
When he asked her for clarity,
She replied, “I’d like parity.
You should give quite as good as you get.”
A dog-lover started to fret
About contracting fleas from his pet.
While petting his bitch,
He started to itch,
So he took himself down to the vet.
After decades of anguish and fret,
The rabbis proclaimed: “You’re all set!”
For an Orthodox Jew,
After all she’d been through,
There is nothing as good as a ‘Get.’
Note: For Orthodox Jews, without a ‘Get,’ no matter how long the couple is separated, and no matter how many civil documents they may have in their file cabinet, in the eyes of Jewish law the couple is still 100% married. The ‘Get’ procedure is performed in front of a rabbinical court consisting of three rabbis.
Thanks so much everyone for another fun week of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Congratulations to the Limerick of the Week Winner, the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award Winner, and the Honorable Mention Winners: Limerick of the Week 185.
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Gored By Limericks.