Fleeing Limericks (Limerick-Off Monday)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:
A fellow was tempted to flee…*
or
A dog owner spotted a flea…*
or
A man who would not hurt a flea…*
*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)
Here’s my limerick:
Fleeing Limericks
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A fellow was tempted to flee
While enjoying a sexual spree,
Cuz an absence of tact
Interfered with the “act”–
He distinctly heard someone’s “Tee-hee!”
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Animal & Pet Humor, Battle of the Sexes, Bawdy Humor, Competition Limerick, Flea Humor, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Poetry & Prompts, Writing Prompts
A fellow was tempted to flee
This horny old gal named Marie,
Till she showed him her spread:
A fine crusty bread,
Ripe brie, and a lovely Chablis.
I once had an acrobat flea
Whose stunts were a pleasure to see,
But he leapt through the air
Ending up in my hair,
And he’s still living somewhere on me.
I heard of a literate flea
Who could spell right from ‘A’ through to ‘Z’,
Except for one gap:
“I’m a Fla” wrote this chap,
For he’d never quite mastered the ‘E’.
Her brain was the size of a flea,
And she couldn’t think how it could be
That she needed to pay
For the toilet that day,
With the lock on the door showing FREE.
I found that I just had to flee
When the hooker went down on her knee,
For the “her” was a “him”
And had only one limb,
So I legged it – I’ve two of them, me.
John Donne said, “Thou art bit by a flea,
And the selfsame hath also bit me.
This I read as a sign
Thou art meant to be mine.
Scratch my itch metaphorically.”
If your feelings for men start to flee
And you think, “maybe gay is for me,”
Come to Vegas. Our service
Can assist, if you’re nervous.
Our whores work for bi-curious fee!
A fellow was tempted to flee,
Since he and his gal can’t agree
On all things politic,
Then he thought of his dick!
So what! The hot sex is still free!
A man who would not hurt a flea
Caught a fly that was stuck in his tea.
He got it unstuck
And lifted it up
Then the fly took a leisurely pee.
A fellow was tempted to flee
From a gal who sang in high C
She sang in strange tongues
At the top of her lungs
And was heard to the river Yangtze.
I never was tempted to flee
When she laughed at my hat and goatee,
Then spooned oats in my bowl
And said, rather droll,
“Nothing’s better for me than thee.”
My girlfriend’s made all my cash flee
From my wallet yet wants more from me.
I said, “Since the first day,
You’ve rubbed me the wrong way.”
“Well, the right way’s a much higher feel!!”
Now this circus is one you should flee.
Sit with me and I’m sure you’ll agree
That a flea with a ball
Is no act at all,
But the itching and scratching are free.
Flea Circus
My sweet wife would not hurt a flea
And I tease her unmercifully
When I think it will linger
I pull my own finger
Who knows how she tolerates me
To El Norte you’re trying to flee?
Find José. He will take you for free
‘Cross the river at night
By the dawn’s early light
In the famous José Canoe, ¡sí!
A fellow was tempted to flee,
But suffered a break in his knee.
He stumbled along,
Just singing a song,
And climbed up the nearest darn tree.
A dog owner spotted a flea
Just buzzing around the dog’s knee.
He captured that pest
And thought it was best
To hold it in captivity.
U.S. settlers forced natives to flee
And declared this the land of the free.
Gave them parcels of land,
Then revoked it as planned.
We were Indian givers, you see.
“How on earth could our dog have a flea?”
Cried my wife. I was forced to agree,
Though I knew that our itches
Were both caught from bitches –
The human one gave it to me.
The Israelites wanted to flee
Out of Egypt across the Red Sea,
But the sea wouldn’t part
Till a bearded old fart
Waved his stick, and said “Leave it to me.”
The burglar was trying to flee,
But he felt a sharp pain in the knee.
Looking down, he said “Shit!
I’ve been horribly bit
By a dog who’s more vicious than me!”
A woman was tempted to flee
Whilst out on a shoplifting spree
It gave her a buzz,
Till caught by the fuzz
She confessed and pled insanity
There’s no point in your trying to flee,
And there’s no way of hiding from me.
With your very last breath,
You will recognize Death
As a friend … though you may disagree.
What a din! I was longing to flee
From the concert, but lingered to see
Whether one of those turds,
Those unmusical nerds,
Would get fried by a surge of AC.
They thought he was beating a flea,
And complained of his cruelty. He
Told the crowd “It’s a tick,
Not a flea, and the trick
Is to kill it before it kills me.”
From the shipwreck, the crew tried to flee,
But the cannibals caught them with glee.
The ship’s boy was too small –
Almost no meat at all –
So they just threw him back in the sea.
I
A man who would not hurt a flea
Seemed as peaceful as peaceful can be.
Then deep in his heart,
Evil did start,
And he turned into Simon Legree
II
A man who would not hurt a flea,
Could feel in a mattress – a pea!
But his heart did conceal,
A deeply felt zeal
For corruptness and debauchery.
III
A man who would not hurt a flea
Refused condoms when making whoopee.
Though quite a nice man,
His sexual plan
Did nothing to stop STD
IV
A man who would not hurt a flea,
One day showed intense cruelty.
His sugar turned spicy,
His spicy turned icy.
Then we thought he had turned SOB
Randy Mazie
Flea.
Though a louse or a mite or a flea
I admit you are likely to see
On some bodily part,
Yet I’m still pretty smart,
For at least there are no flies on me.
“La puce a l’oreille” – that’s “A flea
In the ear” in the tongue of Paris.
For the tourist who seeks
Rubbish sold as antiques,
What you need is “Les Puces”,* Saint-Denis.
* Flea-market
His new bird has the brains of a flea
And a body that won’t quit on ye.
He’s the ugliest gander.
How on Earth did he land ‘er?
With what? Some bit o’ Lirdie’s Mulled Tea!!
From this Knight, e’en the heartiest bent flee.
He’s the strongest and noblest of Kent, fully,
So if I were you,
I’d beware of him, too,
And to that good knight, do naught, cogent, fully.
She has beaus, and none of them flees
From this girl football player, a tease
Her scoring, tremendous
Her knockers, stupendous
She lets them all view her TDs
We neither one wanted to flee
When I put my hand on her boobie
She looked in my eyes
And grabbed both my guys
We’re coming to grips, I could see
CHAPTER XVII
Cried Florizel, “Fly, Florence! Flee,
Oh, flee from thy foes forty-three!”
To and fro Florence fled
Through the floes on her sled…
Flo’s foes froze on the floes: she was free!
“I spotted a dog with a flea,”
Says I. And my friend says to me,
“You spotted a dog?
Man, your brain’s in a fog:
He was born with them spots, don’t you see?”
Chris Christie keeps trying to flee
The scandal he caused in Fort Lee.
Just as big of a boner’s
His giving his donors
Their own 9/11 debris.
The audience threatened to flee
When I broke into “Rose of Tralee”.
“Well,” said I, with a sneer,
“What would YOU like to hear?”
Then they all shouted: 4’33”!
A woman was tempted to flee,
Lazing naked under a tree,
She heard a loud buzz,
Too late, for her fuzz,
Felt the sting of an angry bee
A fellow was tempted to flee,
this thing we call reality,
yet he couldn’t cope,
with whiskey or dope,
and wouldn’t join the GOP.
If the GOP wins should we flee?
This is no idle question or plea.
The Senate may fall.
(Then G-d help us all.)
A nation for sale for a fee.
@Mark Kane:
I think you should probably flee
Regardless of who wins; you see
There’s no shortage of folks
Who aren’t sell-outs or jokes
On either side, if you ask me…
I gazed, then I wanted to flee
Her puppies were barking, you see
She busted me leering
My retort: (so endearing)
“Your boobs should stop staring at me”
Beat the ravage of Time? All men flee!
But from life’s ups-and-downs we’re not free;
On this most human topic
We obey laws entropic—
When we hit fifty years, we can’t pee.
.
.
‘Ere the famous Victorian flea
Wrote his Autobiography, he
Proved his morals were scant
When he tempted his Ant
To commit Formication with glee.
(A bit of dyslexia
Makes it still sexier:
They’d commit Insect, you see…)
That famous Victorian flea
Once pondered a party of three
By jumping the bones
Of a young pair of drones…
“Two bee,” he mused, “or not two bee?”
The Scotsman discovered a flea
Swimming ’round in his whiskey
Spit it out he did shout
As he shook it about
While the drunken flea giggled with glee.
Almost every man always wants to flee
When a demand is made by his sweetie
To go down on her
He prefers to demur
Because cunnilingus is hard on the knee
Your son Walter has brains like a flea,
So your reading plan’s likely to be
One on which you will falter.
You can read lores to Walter,
But you can’t make him think, don’t you see?
Please delete the other version.
(Note from Mad Kane: Done.)
Variation on a classic
In a flue were a fly and a flea.
And they wondered just why this should be.
Said the flea, “Let us fly.”
Said the fly, “To the sky
Through a flaw in the flue that I see.”
Sometimes we must from the rules flee
In the name of some humorous glee
Some folks I would guess
Don’t like words with false stress
But someTIMES i like ABsurdiTY
A fellow was tempted to flee..
He was getting the third degree
He’d proposed, she’d said yes
Now he had to impress
His dear mother in law to be
Here’s when he decided to flee:
He’d slipped his hand up past her knee
He intended to nail her,
Then found her impaler
Good God! she was longer than he!
At the cheese plant, we all had to flee
From explosions they didn’t foresee.
At the end of the day,
Heard a newscaster say
That the only thing left was de Brie.
A bawdy house kept a trained flea
Which the clients could view, for a fee.
When the coppers descended
This bug’s life was ended.
It died in the Raid, don’t you see.
A fellow was tempted to flee,
At the altar, on bended knee,
He needed the loo,
Instead of ‘I do’
He exclaimed ‘I must have a pee’.
All my dogs have had many a flea.
If I bug fleas or dogs, they’ll bite me
I have learned that it’s best
To let sleeping dogs rest
And to also let leaping bugs be.
A giant was bit by a flea
Resulting in toxicity
He went apoplectic
Then later, dyslexic
And thenceforth yelled FI FUM FO FEE!
In his scalp there lived a lone flea
Who longed for some bug company
But the crabs in the hairs
All lived too far downstairs
And would never itch hike there for tea
A gorgeous babe picked up a flea
Who made his way up past her knee
Not fearing rejection
He sprang an erection
An ambitious lil’ bugger was he
The octopus wanted to flee
When his girlfriend became suction free
Her hugs left him lacking
He thought of self -whacking
Then realized he had no weenie
A butterfly asked of a flea,
“I love you, will you marry me?”
She said, “First, perchance,
Shall we go to the dance?”
“We cannot, it’s a moth ball.” said he
Sam Lett mused that to flee or not flee
Is the question. His heart longs to see
If it’s nobler to suffer
Then to never once stuff ‘er
And doth she like it rougher than he??
Since, dear wife, you have chosen to flee
From the team, you have no say, you see?
You can’t question our goals
Or mock which belle now bowls
When I tell you Estelle bowls for thee.
A princess knew that she must flee
From a prince who insisted that she
Be his bride, thus she cried,
“I’d not have to hide
If I’d not had to sleep on that pea.”
To the market flew one naive flea
Licking chops for the scalps he would see
Instead of such splendor
He was caught by a vendor
Oh duh!, it’s a flea market, gee!
The lady would not hurt a flea
But when she confronted a bee
She was so nonplussed
She wriggled and fussed
T’was truly a great sight to see
Panic stricken, tempted to flee
I just think, deep breathing’s the key
Keep calm, relax
Damn these attacks
They’ll not get the better of me
The princess did not want to flee
When a frog said, “You have to kiss me.”
This time she denied him
Then breaded and fried him
“I don’t frikkin think so,” said she
In the spider’s clutch struggled a flea
Who asked, “What’ll happen to me?”
Said the spider, “Don’t fret.”
“I’m going to get
On the web for a good recipe.”
Flo fearfully faced the foe flea
That flipped forth from Fido, fell free
And flopped on Flo flat,
Flashing fangs, feasting fat
From the fleshy front folds of Flo’s wee
A most curious bug is the flea.
It can jump high and long, don’t you see?
And since we are its food,
I just have to be rude –
It’s better on thee than on me.
When he knew from the Pan he must flee,
He planned to escape by the sea.
But his boat wouldn’t float.
“Who’s to blame?” – then the gloat,
“I confess, Captain Hook, that it’s Smee”
There once was a Francophone flea
Who perched on a pooch in Paris.
Not a bit would he shrink
From what others may think:
“Une petite parasite? Oui, je suis!”
Her brain was the size of a flea
Her cup size, a huge Double ‘D’
She wasn’t that dumb,
Success was to come
Flaunting her assets on page three.
2 mins · Lik
A fellow was temped to flee,
While committing a mini crime spree.
But he took too long,
In doing his wrong.
And the judge is ignoring his plea.
‘Cross the river Eliza did flee
While escaping from Simon Legree*;
On the opposite bank
She got squashed by a tank
From the St. Louis County PD.
* I think I’m eliding a few chapters for the sake of the rhyme. Sorry.
And the winner is…
Congratulations to the Limerick of the Week Winner and the Honorable Mention Winners: Limerick of the Week 180.
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick Laps.