Limerick Post (Limerick-Off Monday)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:
A fellow was offered a post…*
or
A woman was planning to post…*
or
The dentist inserted a post…*
or
A fellow who wrote for the Post…*
*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)
Here’s my limerick:
Limerick Post
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A writer was offered a post
As an autobiographer’s ghost.
He would make lots of bread,
Though one dreadful clause read:
“If you boast that you wrote it, you’re toast.
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Competition Limerick, Ghost Writing, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Poetry & Prompts, Writing & Publishing Humor, Writing Prompts
Her new dentist inserted the post.
In his work he was fully engrossed.
He pushed in the crown
Slowly slid it on down
To her core. His technique made her boast.
The priest was removed from his post
For creating a fraudulent host.
The substitute cracker
With nary a backer
Was leftover stale garlic toast.
A fellow who wrote for the Post
Was conservative more so than most.
His ideas were disarming
But very alarming
When parsed and with care diagnosed.
A woman was planning to post
A recipe of grandma’s rye toast
It was really absurd
For she mis-typed a word
On poppy weed all diners overdosed.
A fellow was offered a post
On a island just off the West Coast
He accepted with relish
Then found it was hellish
The island was owned by a mischievous ghost.
A fellow who wrote for the Post
was his own writer – not a ghost.
He wrote a biography
and a hagiography
which is good ’cause it rhymes…almost..
The bugler had played the Last Post,
And they’d drunk a memorial toast.
But they heard a faint shout
From the grave: “Lemme out!”
For the Colonel was far from a ghost.
“And now I’m inserting my post”,
Said the dentist. The girl was engrossed;
Though she’d guessed that the drilling
Would be rather chilling,
His instrument felt warm as toast.
Each angel was called to his post
For the count of the Heavenly Host.
“One is missing; that’s odd –
Oh, I get it”, said God.
“Late as usual, that old Holy Ghost!”
“You’ll find I’m as stiff as a post”,
The hopeful seducer would boast.
But the girl, unimpressed,
Said “You’re just like the rest,
Except that you’re shorter than most.”
In Washington, I read the Post
‘Cause I like their cov’rage the most
They first made their name
On Dick Nixon’s shame
And inspired him to move to the coast!
He typed away, post after post;
“Thirty entries at least!” was his boast
Until one fateful day,
The poor chap passed away,
For on limericks he’d overdosed.
The look-out man fled from his post
When the pirates appeared from the coast.
They were cannibals, too,
And they smirked at the crew
As they murmured “Oh, yummy! Pot roast!”
(Madeleine, could you please delete the previous version? I think this one’s an improvement.)
Note from Mad Kane: Done. :)
A woman was planning to post
Her symptoms: what bothered her most.
She then realized
Much to her surprise:
Love sickness she had diagnosed.
The dentist inserted a post
Of metal: I’m NOT a doorpost!
Expensive, that Zirconium,
But avoids pandemonium.
One’s health is what counts, bottommost.
A fellow who wrote for the Post,
Thought truth was what counted the most.
He found out his facts
Were stopped in their tracks.
When he realized his job was toast.
I eagerly watched for the post
And my cheque from the Ivory Coast.
“Twenty million”, he’d said,
But the bank wrote instead
To inform me my savings were toast.
A fellow who wrote for the Post
Was far more offensive than most.
The folks found him heinous
From here to Uranus,
That’s how far out they were grossed.
A fellow bragged on of his post.
She thought it an empty vain boast.
But after insertion,
She bought his assertion,
And found herself wholly engrossed.
While wrapping some fish with The Post
I chilled for a second at most
My filet of sole
Attracted the soul
Of Casper the hungry ol’ ghost
A psychic impaled on a post,
Who was weary of being a host,
Said: “I’m not at all mad;
It’s a boon to me, Vlad,
‘Cause I’m ready to give up the ghost.”
While hunting for songs I could post
From YouTube to my FB host
I typed in all spaces
And up popped old “Traces”
From Classics IV with Dennis Yost
As the horses were nearing the post,
One horse seemed more jumpy than most.
Once out of the gate,
He bolted off straight
But the track took a turn, so he’s toast.
The Chemist said, “Pay by fast POST
‘Cause this terminal’s faster than most.”
“So, it’s TERMINAL, Doc?”
He said “Yes.” Then in shock,
I fainted, as white as a ghost.
When consciousness I did regain
The Chemist said, “Let me explain.
You aren’t terminal, sir,
And you never were.
I refer to our fast check-out lane.”
*POST- Point of sale terminal
A soldier deserted his post
On a shoal along the west coast
When caught was asked why
Said “the tide got too high,
and sharks were eyeing my rump roast”
A messiah sat perched on a post,
There imparting his Word to the host.
To appease luncheon wishes,
He blessed loaves and fishes
And served them all kippers on toast.
Mechanics must stay at their post
While working on cars down at Kost
If not they’ll get fired
As more cars are tired
Of inflated profits owners will boast
A fellow who wrote for the Post
knew his job was just about toast.
No readership found
With the internet ’round,
The paper turned into compost
A fellow who wrote for the Post
wrote movie reviews, he would boast,
panning Citizen Kane
and Singin’ in the Rain,
You can see his career turned to toast.
“Woah…I just saw Emily Post…”
“You sure act like you’ve just seen a ghost.”
“That’s not what I meant…
This post had been bent
Underneath and taped up by its host…”
She replied, with a pointed riposte,
To the fellow who hated her most.
He, at first, gaped and sputtered;
Then quietly muttered,
“That damnable Melba is toast!”
A piece in a smallish town post
On parties where guests made the most
Of the doob brought along,
It got mixed in a bong,
And they called this shindig a ‘Pot Roast’
The dentist implanting a post
In a buxom young gal from the coast,
From his stool he would lean….
Her grand cleavage was seen….
And sedation was three times re-dosed
Post Limerick ~
A fellow was offered a post
along the Ivory Coast
his laptop was banned
his flight was un-manned
the natives his un-willing hosts
Written By: Patricia Sawyer
8-4-2014
A fellow was offered a post
He’d secretly wanted the most.
And when in command
He exported our land
And retired on the money he’d grossed.
—
Thinly veiled reference to the Australian PM.
My contribution to the Gazza debacle.
“Toast For The Ghost”
Tom toasted his car on a post
While toasting his ride to the coast
“Hot roast and cold beer,
With toast for good cheer”
Burnt toaster turned roaster mocked ghost.
The explorer was tied to a post
While the savages thought how to roast
Him. Said one, “Seems to me
That I’ve seen on TV
It’s an hour and a half at the most.”
The soldier had slept while on post
And dreamed he had diddled a ghost
“Her looks made me drool”
“She was a cover ghoul,”
“With ethereal boobs,” he would boast
He tied his horse to a post
What he saw next had him engrossed
On a hill through the pinyons
Was the Queen and her minions!
This Raid Spray should decimate most
With zits like a knotty pine post
She repulsed all her peers, or most
But brainy Jerome
Held her hand, walked her home
She had netted more than she grossed
A woman was planning to post
the time she had met with a ghost.
But her tale wasn’t fact,
so she had to retract.
A celeb she was not, just almost.
This morning as I thumbed the post
On the bus, I was fully engrossed.
Lady drivin’ said, “Cease
Or be tossed off!” “Well, geez,
Go ahead with plan two. Then we’ll toast!”
An angel was proffered the post
Of the Deity’s Heavenly Host.
“You will greet every sinner
Invited to dinner,
And offer the ‘Sin o’ Men’ Toast.”
She tied my four limbs to each post
Of the bed and then gave me the most
Diabolical glance,
Stole my keys, cash, and pants,
And then disappeared like a ghost.
She tied my four limbs to each post
Of the bed and then played the mad host.
With a dark, evil glance,
She whipped out her lance
And revealed she’s a better man than most.
Donald McGill
To the ‘King of the British saucy postcard’, Donald McGill, with affection …
In those long ago summers we’d post
Saucy cards to our folks from the coast;
Ma would sigh, Pa would tut,
Gran would shake her head … BUT
‘Twas McGill’s made them chuckle the most!
Every week I await Mad’s post,
Whose limerick did she like most?
I’m desperately tryin’
To outdo that Brian,
And then I’ll have reason to boast
They had fettered the witch to a post,
And were confident soon she’d be toast,
But she’d spoken a charm
That would shield her from harm,
So she called for some weenies to roast.
A dentist inserting a post
Slipped up and committed the most…
Well, to tell it’s not easy.
It makes me quite queasy.
By *this* oral hist’ry I’m grossed.
My wife may be dumb as a post,
But that’s not what matters the most.
Her heart’s golden pure,
She’s loyal for sure,
And spreads quicker than butter on toast!
A crooked accountant would post
False entries of which he would boast:
“My work is well done—
I’m A-number-1!
Your books are as cooked as this roast.”
Even though I had just read a post
On the way to dry hops in an oast,
There were tricks I’d not learned,
‘Cause a few things got burned—
Maybe nine or ten houses at most.
They write in the Havasu Post
It’s hotter right there than most
Just go buy some bread
It’ll jack with your head
‘Cause when you get home, it’s toast
A dyslexic who wrote for the Post
Sought a great supernatural boast
From a house that was haunted,
He emerged seeming daunted
And said he’d been seen by a ghost.
A fellow was offered a post
As the friendliest neighborhood ghost
He could be. So he booed
From huuse to house nude –
A wee bit too friendly for most.
A woman decided to post
Facebook pictures revealing the most
Private parts of her bod
With no text – why, how odd?
She was far much too bashful to boast.
Ichabod, thin as a post,
Of his dancing skill often did boast
Brom Bones got sore
Recited local lore
No Ichabod, no head on a ghost
A cowboy just planted a post
Repairing a fence for his host
A cow broke it down
And spoiled mama’s gown
But then they enjoyed a great roast
A cowboy just planted a post
Repairing a fence for his host
A cow broke it down
And spoiled mama’s gown
But then they enjoyed a great roast
Though my woody is thick as a post,
(And at parties, I’m likely to boast)
It can be problematic
(Some noes are emphatic)
When coaxing it into a host.
Thanks so much everyone for another fun week of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Congratulations to the Limerick of the Week Winner and the Honorable Mention Winners: Limerick of the Week 176.
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Cold Limerick.