Limerick Drill (Limerick-Off Monday)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:
A fellow was wielding his drill…*
or
A teacher was trying to drill…*
or
The experienced clerk knew the drill…*
or
A fellow had loaned out his drill…*
*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)
Here’s my limerick:
Limerick Drill
By Madeleine Begun Kane
As the dentist was wielding his drill,
He yelled at his patient, “Sit still!”
Then he bellowed with gravity,
“God-awful cavity!
It’s nearly as large as my bill.”
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
UPDATE: On January 26 we celebrate the anniversary of George Green’s 1875 electric dental drill patent. Okay … perhaps “celebrate” is the wrong word.
Tags: Cavity Humor, Competition Limerick, Dentist Drill, Dentist Humor, Dentistry, George Green, Inventions Humor, January Holidays, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Odd Holidays, Patent Humor, Poetry & Prompts, Writing Prompts
A fellow was wielding his drill
His technique was run-of-the-mill
But she let him go
‘Cause she was a pro
Then said: “Will you now pay my bill?”
A fellow was wielding his drill;
The repair job was run-of-the-mill.
He chomped at the bit
And couldn’t fix it;
For honey-do’s, he had no skill.
The fellow who wielded the drill
Was a workman of dubious skill,
But the miller seemed thrilled
With the holes that were drilled,
‘Cause he gave him the run of the mill.
The sergeant was trying to drill
All his troops in an infantry skill.
“What the hell is this shit?
Don’t you realize that it
Ain’t enough that you’re dressed fit to kill?”
Okay ladies, you know the drill
No diaphragm, condom, or pill
Will be bought by employers
Who have the best lawyers
Like Hobbyin’ Lobbyists will.
A fellow was wielding his drill
As he tried to give wifey a thrill,
But she wasn’t fooled
‘Cause the way that he tooled
Proved his drill bit was lacking in skill
The dentist decided to drill;
He explained, “There’s a tooth I must fill,
But before I begin,
I’m just slipping this in”
As he entered her mouth with a will.
Said Shakespeare “Thou knowest the drill,
’Tis said every Jack shall have Jill.
’Twixt thy legs I shall lay me –
Seek not to gainsay me,
For where there’s a way, there’s a Will.
Said the man with the pneumatic drill:
“Filling holes is a job that takes skill,
But before I can fill ’em,
I’ve first got to drill ’em,
Or else there’d be no holes to fill.”
Armed with hammer and chisel and drill,
Noah worked at fulfilling God’s will,
But his Ark remained beached,
For the Flood never reached
Quite as far as the top of the hill.
The new Senator’s learning the drill
For succeeding on Capitol Hill:
“Avoid truth if a lie
Helps your campaign to fly;
Be as straight as a three-dollar bill.”
When Darwin first saw a mandrill,
Its colouring gave him a thrill
With its red and blue nose,
Streaks of purple and rose,
And a bottom that’s gaudier still.
The soldiers were learning the drill;
“At the double, men, run up the hill.”
As they ran down again,
One was heard to complain
“Will we ever have time to kill?”
The riggers had broken the drill
And the oil was beginning to spill.
A disconsolate whale,
With a flick of its tail,
Exclaimed “They’ve polluted my krill!”
She went through her usual drill
With a guy who was over the hill.
When he dropped off the trolley,
The hooker said “Golly!
Guess I’ll sue his estate for the bill.”
Elmer Fudd says, “I have a new dwill.
It’s a pwesent fwom Big Bwother Bill.
It has pwenty of power and speed.
It fills evewy hole-dwilling need.
Dwilling holes can be quite a thwill.”
A fellow was trying to drill
His lady, whose screams had turned shrill.
The first time was fine,
But after much wine,
He chose to forgo a refill.
A teacher was trying to drill
Her students for State exam swill.
Her students are bored,
She feels herself whored.
They all want arts and thinking skill.
Rich companies just want to drill.
But fracking turns water to swill.
We must take a stand
And protect our land!
Or it will be one big dunghill.
My dentist is wielding his drill,
My tooth roots he’s going to kill.
So glad there’s no pain
Thanks to Novocaine.
I’m counting on my dentist’s skill.
It was Jeremy Bentham’s ample skill,
Utilitarianism distill:
Greatest number, greatest joy,
And cruelty to destroy.
And thank you,also to John Stuart Mill.
Deep inside me my guy loves to drill,
Just the thought of it gives me a thrill!
His foreplay is hot-
Oh, please, PLEASE don’t stop!
And I’m laughing, “Oh faint heart, be still!
A fellow who loaned out his drill
Discovered it there at Good Will
Right from the rack
He bought it back
And sent his neighbor the bill
He attacked with his chainsaw and drill,
Then, snarling, moved in for the kill
With his trusty six-shooter,
Shot dead his computer,
And screamed “That’s the gates closed to Bill.”
A fellow was wielding his drill,
but she wasn’t getting a thrill,
and told him, “your pecker,
I’ll call Black and Decker,
it certainly isn’t a Skil.”
A gal was wielding her drill
But her aim was all willy and nil
She needed new glasses
And a few more classes
To finish her house on the hill
Fulfillment
A fellow was wielding his drill
To a lass up on top of a hill
Now down in the grass
Was the lass on her ass
Fulfilled by the thrill of his skill
Randy Mazie
Said the dentist, revving his drill,
To the patient, writing his will;
“Don’t be such a martyr,
It’s just a de-tartar,
NEXT week’s your root canal fill!”
My hillbilly gal knew the drill;
She would make the best moonshine until
Federal agents one day
Came and took her away.
Now she’s gone, and I yearn for her still.
Throbbing like a pneumatic drill
He worked on me with all his will
Pumped and pulsated
Ejaculated
Giving me the ultimate thrill
My neighbor borrowed my drill
Then went to live in Brazil
It’s hard to ignore it
I paid big bucks for it
Oh well, I’ve still got his grill
McCain ran on “Drill Baby Drill,”
And those oil guys got such a thrill.
But the voters thought twice,
Valdez memories — Not nice!
‘Twas the chill of the kill from that spill.
A guy joined a French escadrille
Flying Sopwiths, well, you know the drill
He shot down a Fokker,
Became quite the talker,
And got laid by three chicks for the kill
Said the dentist, clutching his drill,
‘Now just open wide and sit still,
First a tiny prick,
That should do the trick,
You won’t feel a thing – but I will!’
He went about wielding his drill
Just sowing his oats for the thrill
Not knowing wife, Sue,
Was out doing this, too,
With a band on- Mike, Steve, Frank, and Bill!
You’re married, out wielding your drill
As if you’re a single man still.
You’re trying to deceive
And make them believe,
But a band on your plans- They are nil.
So, is anyone else getting pop-up ads from Mad’s blog? I only got one- the first time I visited this morning. Just wondering if it is the site or if it was something on my pc.
Jon, it must be your computer, because my site has no pop-up ads.
A zealot wielding a drill
Was ranting upon a hill
“ALL THOSE WHO USE PRAYER”
“STEP CLOSE NOW, I SWEAR”
“I’LL MAKE YOU MUCH HOLIER STILL”
Our marchers were sharp in their drill
The fanfare of horns gave a thrill
But our band came in second
Because judges reckoned
Our drummers were run-of-the-mill.
In Praise of the Complainers that Mad Complains About
My limerick bit like a drill
A sure winner, I thought, for its skill.
Then I squawked in dissension,
“Just hon’rable mention?”
Mad’s choice was but run-of-the-mill.
Please change honorable to hon’rable.
Note from Mad Kane: Done. :)
A Trip to the Dark Side
The surgeon perfected the drill.
He made each incision with skill.
He created a hole
Where there once was a pole,
And Ms. Willa was no longer Bill.
She was wearing just one espadrille
On the nudist beach. Oh, what a thrill
To imagine her toes,
So deliciously rose –
She was certainly undressed to kill.
My neighbour has leant me his drill
And I’ve googled “dentistry skill”
So I’m sure without doubt
I could soon have it out
If the child would only sit still.
C’mon Jon, you know the drill
You visit those smut sites, they will
Infect your machine with
Bad bugs you must clean with
Kaspersky’s TDSS KILL
(jus’ kidding)
My bone surgeon has a big drill,
And chisel, and saw made by Stihl,
My knee needs replacing
I know what I’m facing
Screw that. I’ll keep taking this pill
Some Sad Recent History
On a platform intended to drill
Deep beneath the Gulf’s Waters at will,
A blast wreaked great damage
Now BP must manage
A huge liability bill.
If only they’d had greater skill
With blowout protectors, the spill
Would not have occurred,
And the toll–Oh, my word!
Those roughnecks would be with us still.
Drill Does Not Thrill”
A teacher was trying to drill
That life was a humorous thrill
The good and the bad
Were happy and sad
And good deeds would count at the till.
But his student’s short hair and small brain
Meant his efforts all went down the drain
Cause Minecraft was cool
And the only life tool
Percieved to be worth any strain.
The gay recruit marching in drill
Was swishing, and sarge had his fill:
“You’ll face a discharge!”
Then the boot replied, “Sarge,”
“Can I handle your privates, until?”
The barkeep’s wife, Tilley, I’d drill
Every chance I could get—what a thrill!
But I took it too far
Having sex in the bar;
I got caught with my hand in his Till.
That horndog Jack thought he could drill
a girl with a bucket named Jill.
But she pushed him back, cursing,
so now he is nursing
his head at the foot of the hill.
With limericks, I know the drill:
five lines (A-A-B-B-A) will
indeed pass the test
if you use anapest,
but that last line must go for the kill!
Can you tell me why my dentist’s drill
must always be high-pitched and shrill?
It’s enough to put dread
in this patient’s head –
as for cavities, I’ve had my fill.
I don’t care– it is NOT es-ca-DRILLE.
It’s ES-ca-drille, you stupid dill.
Your pronunciation,
Like a squadron invasion,
Bombs more than George Bush on the hill!
A woman expected a drill
From a hunk of a man named Will.
But Will was so loony
And his manhood was puny.
The bonk slumped headlong downhill.
A fellow glued blades to his drill
It ran with a high-pitched shrill.
Then, to his surprise,
When he ran it clockwise,
He created a cooling windchill.
A teacher was trying to drill
Her students on San Juan Hill
She said Teddy the bear
Ran up on a tear
Won the war then sent us the bill.
A teacher was trying to drill
A lesson in voice too shrill
She quit in despair
And pulled out her hair
Went home and uncorked the swill.
If you’re married, then you know the drill.
Make her fantasies ones you’ll fulfill,
While providing the kisses
for your lovely missus,
And enjoying the thrill of her skill.
In boot camp, Will knew the drill
To shoot on the range was a thrill
He’d never get shot,
But it made his sack taut
When the sergeant yelled, “FIRE AT WILL!”
The attempt to perform a quadrille
Can make lobsters incredibly ill.
Their convulsions attest
To the need for a vest
That resists all the butter they spill.
Joe Friday was starting to drill
A gun toting moll named Lil
He frisked her by hand
While searching her, and
Thrilled her while under her frill
There once was a lobster quadrille
With many a secretive thrill
While snapping their claws
To the ohs and the ahs
They waggled their tails with skill
The Prez and the intern would drill
On the ways his desires to fulfill.
He would offer to guide her:
“Open up your mouth wider!”
And that’s how the gal fit the Bill.
The platoon got prepared for their drill.
Then they marched in great form up the hill.
But they sputtered as they
Looked around in dismay,
For they found there was no one to kill.
So they went to continue their drill,
And to march in great form down the hill.
They all, once they peed,
Uniformly agreed
You don’t have to kill to show skill.
The apple-on-head was the drill.
He instructed his son to hold still.
He’d forgotten his bow,
So a rock and a throw
Did it. If there’s a way, there’s our Will.
A dentist, who sat on his drill,
Screamed high, loud and long, sharp and shrill
Yelled his nurse, “Stand and cough,
And your drill will fall off,
But your cavity’s large – you must fill”
A writer best known as Khalil
Penned wise quotes with love, heart, and skill
So greatly admired
By those he inspired,
His readers are Propheting still
The hen the cock wanted to drill,
Had breasts like a great-beaked hornbill
He knew just the ticket
He’d snag her a cricket,
Then show her his new coop de ville
My husband just bought a new drill,
So we’ve holes in all walls—what a thrill.
Now he’s drilling the doors,
And the ceilings, and floors;
I sure hope that he soon gets his fill.
The delegates – they knew the drill.
As they lined up to sign, they were still.
To declare they were free,
Which soon they would be,
They stood tall and were all dressed to quill.
The executor started his drill
As the children all dreamed of the till.
“Now you all get some money
Except you, Black Sheep Sonny.
You’ve been put in his won’t, not his will.”
Come here son said Father Vodrille
And please kneel at my feet if you will
What you see — mustn’t waste it
God wants you to taste it
Pretend it’s a pickle — a dill
Said the doc, “We’re done with this drill.”
“Your blood pressure’s way too high, still.”
“With follicles dying,
And blood pressure flying,
You’re off of minoxidil!”
Thanks so much everyone for another fun week of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Congratulations to the Limerick of the Week Winner, the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award Winner, and the Honorable Mention Winners: Limerick of the Week 172.
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick Floor.
How long have I tarried and toiled
Week by week to only be foiled?
I’m usually wafflin’
Behind Will T. Laughlin
Or get Allgared, Dvoraked, or Doyled!
And to everyone else that I missed
Who has bested me here on this list,
To them, here’s a toast
For each line that they post.
Let’s drink till we’re totally pissed!
Thanks for making good on your “promise”, Mad, but I didn’t expect it quite so quick! I know I still didn’t win “limerick of the week” because I was drilled by Konrad’s hilarious limerick, but a win is a win! Congrats everybody and thanks for liking my post!