Strained Limerick (Limerick-Off Monday)
NOTE: THIS IS A TWO-WEEK LIMERICK-OFF. LIMERICK SUBMISSION DEADLINE IS SATURDAY, APRIL 26, 2014
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
Please note that due to the holidays, this Limerick-Off will run for two weeks, instead of one. So I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner two weeks from today, on April 27, 2014, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full two weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, April 26, 2014 at 11 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
And since you’ll have two weeks, I’m offering you a topical alternative: In addition to your regular challenge, you may write a limerick related to any April holiday, using any first line. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best holiday-related limerick.
And now, getting back to your regular Limerick-Off challenge, I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:
A woman whose budget was strained…*
or
A singer whose voice sounded strained…*
or
A fellow had struggled and strained…*
or
A woman whose mood was restrained…*
*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)
Here’s my limerick:
Strained Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A chef who had struggled and strained
To serve noteworthy food appeared drained:
“I’m losing my shirt,”
He said, scarfing dessert.
Seems his rep (and his shirt) had been stained.
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
UPDATE: July 25th is National Culinarians’ Day.
Tags: Chef Humor, Competition Limerick, Food Humor, July Holidays, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, National Culinarians' Day, Odd Holidays, Poetry & Prompts, Restaurant Humor, Writing Prompts
A woman, once gagged and restrained
Seeks sex till her passion is drained.
She needs the “right” Master,
If not, pure disaster!
For you see he must first be ordained.
Another nice limerick Mad, thanks for always providing such great examples.
Queen Elizabeth struggled and strained
To serve wine to the guests who complained
That the drink had run out.
How she splashed it about!
She never could pour, but she reigned.
The tenor was vocally strained
By the high notes that he had attained.
He became a castrato
With thrilling vibrato,
But lost rather more than he gained.
While having his missus restrained,
Her husband, the werewolf, explained:
“She makes such a racket
She needs a straitjacket,
At least till the full moon has waned.”
“My quality cannot be strained”,
Pleaded Mercy, on being arraigned.
Said the judge: “You’re a menace!
‘The Merchant of Venice’
Won’t save you”, and ordered her chained.
Ham loved to be tied and restrained
While his mistresses whipped him and caned.
But one had a stammer
And thought he said “Hammer”;
She left him completely no-brained.
“You are guilty of meter that’s strained,
And of puns that are terribly pained –
You’ll be struck twenty times
For your crimes against rhymes;
Please step forth to be Madeleine-caned.”
A woman whose mood was restrained
Knew anger would be nothing gained.
He was cruel, not mischievous,
To her pain, was oblivious,
But she seethed inside, just the same.
A singer whose voice sounded strained,
Realized that she should have refrained
From singing like Callas
Bel canto, so wondrous,
She thought nothing feigned nothing gained.
A fellow had struggled and strained
He knew that he should have refrained
Trying to catch a bunny
Easter gift to his honey,
He saw his idea was harebrained,
A woman whose mood was restrained
Of her actions last night she explained.
She was feeling quite mellow
And bedded a fellow
Whose undying love was quite feigned.
A woman whose mood was restrained
Insisted on virtue maintained
A guy plied her in vain
Yet through all she’d refrain
“I’ve been there before,” she explained.
A singer whose voice sounded strained
For a week from singing refrained.
But it did him no good
As the audience stood
When he missed a high C and complained.
A fellow had struggled and strained
To pay for debts when he campaigned
He begged a rich donor
Who called him a moaner
Now to debt this fellow is chained.
They asked why my Dad’s been restrained
From approaching Bill Gates. I explained
That his eyes become crazed,
Turning glassy and glazed –
At the mention of ‘Windows’, he’s pained.
The rock singer’s voice sounded strained
And his facial contortions looked pained
He was surely a sight
‘Cause his pants were too tight
From all of the weight he had gained
But a trouper he was, and refrained
From explaining the pain he’d sustained
When he ventured to shout
The Spandex gave out
‘Til only his jockstrap remained…
But still he sang on, never waned
Although it had become quite plain
That this idol of youth
Was too long in the tooth
He could not contain gain and stay sane
“Your humour’s become too constrained”
The limerick-offers complained
“Would it hurt anyone
If you worked in a pun
It might help if you got MaryJaned”
A woman whose mood was restrained
Stayed quiet while she was arraigned.
Yes, she did shout
With citizen’s clout.
For that she was being detained?
Asked my wife, as the noodles I strained,
“Change of menu?” “Yes dear,” I explained,
“Every night we’ve Foo Yung’ed,
“Up with eggs I’m just bunged!”
“Ah! So that’s why tonight, you’ve Chow Mein’ed?!”
“I prefer my koala tea strain’d
Through the Mersey,” Will Shakespeare explain’d
In response to a blighter
Who said to the writer,
“It’s puns that keep folks entertain’d.”
“A behind that is barely restrained,
Is a gift to mankind,” he explained.
“When a girl wears a thong
Not a thing can go wrong …”
(So he thought, before he was arraigned.)
“Your client should not be restrained,
Your request to dismiss is sustained!
He should not be in jail
Just for looking at tail –
That’s the judgment I’ve just ‘ass-ertained.’ “
At the Best Little Whorehouse, Tex strained
Through his twenty-third hooker and gained
Their “Top Client Award”
For the number he’d scored
And the ounces of semen he’d drained.
The G.O.P.’s mercy is strained
No matter how much it’s explained.
The poor feel the wrath
Of Paul Ryan’s new math,
While the plutocrats’ fortunes have gained.
Their philosophy stands unconstrained.
By the facts, it can never be stained.
Give the wealthy more dough
So the bubble can grow
‘Til it bursts, and our jobs are all drained.
My sarcasm might be restrained
If a flicker of hope still remained
That the voters will rise up,
Tell Congress to wise up,
That demagogues won’t be retained.
From its onset their marriage was strained.
The reverend when cornered explained,
“I’m doing G-d’s will,
While drilling each Jill,
I’m hearing it’s all been ordained.”
(A postscript to Craig)
But the judge’s reaction was strained
When the facts of the case were explained,
For the girl with the ass
Was his own teenage lass:
“He is Guilty! The verdict’s maintained!”
The Song of the MCP
“My libido is quite unrestrained
And my lechery deeply ingrained.
I’ll even make passes
At girls wearing glasses
Provided they’re cute and well-trained.”
A man on the toilet had strained
and then he quite loudly complained,
“I need lots more fiber,
to be like the Khyber
and Pass all this stuff unrestrained!”
With the hatch on the silo he strained
Then fell in when he got it unchained.
They just found him this morn
Under three tons of corn –
Yes the poor guy was firmly ingrained.
…
A two-fer
After one week of matzah, he strained
To egest all the stuff that remained.
The whole town heard him how-l
From the pain in his bowel.
Alas, he’d from prune juice refrained.
Here’s to matzah ball soup, steaming hot.
And the unleavened crackers you’ve got.
Seder night, for a treat,
Maybe brisket for meat,
And some tzimmes stewed up in a pot.
A woman whose budget was strained
Decided her man could be trained
To sell blood and spunk
And much other junk
Until he was utterly drained.
Said the rabbi, “Commandment from heaven
Says you have to get rid of your leaven
By Nissan 14.”
What on earth could he mean?
I drive a Toyota 07!
***
“Here’s breakfast,” I said. Kitty purred,
Then said to me, “Don’t be absurd!
This week I may nibble
Just unleavened kibble…
It’s Pussover. Hadn’t you heard?”
wrote:
“My orangutan must be restrained
while he travels by rail,” I explained.
“He’s a really great ape
and won’t try to escape,
but you see, he has never been trained.”
Oops! Didn’t mean to leave the “wrote:” on that last one. Here’s another:
By the light of the moon, Batman strained
as he fought with the Punster till brained.
Then he fell, fast and far,
and went splat, on a car.
This, which once had been waxed, was now Wayned.
Now it’s Pesach. The thing that I dread,
Comes from all that damned unleavened bread.
For whenever I eat,
It sets up like concrete,
And I spend all my time in the head.
Thus I sat, and I strained. O, I strained,
And regretted not having refrained
From eating the matzoh
That ties guts in knots-ah
Whether plain or when slathered with chrain.
Easter comes when three cycles attune
Seven weekdays, the sun, and the moon
As night’s length equals day’s
Past the moon’s fullest phase
On a Sunday, some time before June
On April’s fourth Friday, the breeze
Reminds us to celebrate trees,
Which respond to our callin’
By releasing their pollen.
Yes, Arbor Day’s cheer is a sneeze.
Odysseus puled as he strained
’Gainst his pole while the Siren song reigned:
“Charybdis will beat me
Or Scylla will eat me
By trip’s end, I’m bound to be drained.”
For Lent I’ve given up the booze
But I’ve got a bad case of the blues
A large G and T’s
Crying ‘Drink me, drink me!’
It’s an offer I cannot refuse
Relationships are severely strained
By actions that remain un-named
How can they be resolved
and grudges be dissolved
if “You know what you did!” is maintained?
A lady had struggled and strained
to lose all the weight she had gained,
but her plan had its flaws
and included malt balls,
So what little she lost, she regained.
He preferred his potatoes well strained,
but her interest in pleasing had waned.
So he often sat down
to eat with a frown,
his displeasure barely restrained.
Easter Sunday: on tottery legs,
Food and water both drained to the dregs,
I was stranded with Clara
In deepest Sahara,
So we ate all the East Tuaregs.
Odysseus puled as he strained
’Gainst his pole while the Siren song reigned:
“Soon Scylla will eat me,
Charybdis will beat me
In time, I am bound to be drained.”
The Tell-Tale Jelly Bean
I was sure my young daughter would beef —
Thought she’d blubber and call me a thief
When a blush-colored bean
On my workspace was seen —
But instead, to my utter relief,
She made not a scintilla of a stink;
Smiling broadly, she gave me a wink.
“When the rabbit took flight
Said my daughter, “last night,
I instructed him: mommy likes pink!”
If King Lear had preferred a restrained
Show of love over one that was feigned,
Fate may still have brought down
All that rained on his crown
But lengthened the time his crown reigned.
On Walking to Work on Walk to Work Day
Walked to work once – about couple miles.
‘Long the way there were plenty of smiles;
For it’s humorous, see,
To step into some… sheesh!…
With black wingtips and spats, climbing stiles.
It’s Easter. We’ve run out of money;
Our rabbit’s regarding us funny.
We can’t afford lamb,
And we’ve run out of spam –
She suspects she’ll become roasted bunny.
I won’t dwell on these puns that seem strained,
’cause apparently none have complained.
I will strive to let go,
and be good, even though,
to be clear, like a window, I’m pained.
A woman had struggled and strained
To keep her young beau entertained.
With all of that sexing
She found something vexing:
Who suspected that *that* could get sprained?
In Australia we are not restrained
In wishing more often it rained
And Koala tea
s a new one on me
I probably haven’t been trained.
3 mins · Like
Reminder: This Limerick-Off runs for an additional week. So feel free to continue posting “strained” and holiday-themed limericks through Saturday, April 26th, both here and on my Facebook post. Thanks!
When, achingly, April unfurls
Pink sapphires and rubies from pearls,
And its breezes redeem
Our old courage to dream
Let us celebrate women and girls.
Although Easter and Passover do
To remind us to bloom and renew,
And acknowledge our past,
There were mysteries vast
Stirring awe before Christian and Jew.
Take Eostre, from “austron,”: “the dawn”
Still sacred, forgotten — not gone…
The bright eggs children dye
And the Bunnies that fly
Are from this lovely grand-goddess drawn.
April’s glory can make mothers pine
For a day when the female divine
Feels as real as the male —
Fewer people would fail
To appreciate daughters like mine.
A lady’s voice was strained
As she patiently explained
To the man who’d just put
His case on her foot
That her anger was unconstrained
A chicken traversed the A1
In the sweltering midday sun
You don’t have to try
To tell me why
I just wanted a hot cross pun
“So how are you planning to spend
This beautiful Easter weekend?”
“Oh, just hanging about
With a thief and a lout,
But I’ll see you on Sunday, my friend.”
His tumescence could not be constrained
as her bottom was lovingly caned.
When he told her to strip,
what he saw made him flip,
and so neither erection remained.
As a VETERAN of holiday fêtes,
I should PASSOVER most of those dates.
I wish SAINT PATRICK would,
or the PRESIDENT could,
in the NEW YEAR, rescind what awaits.
A nor’EASTER could whisk them away,
if ALL SOULS would endeavor to pray,
and God LENT us his strength;
then I’d LABOR at length
to put THANKSGIVING foremost each day.
My lim’ricks are all, as a rule,
Distillations of culture and cool.
I’m an artist who shuns
Smutty sex talk and puns.
And if you believe that…April Fool!
A woman whose budget was strained
Tried to lose weight but she gained
To be quite concise
Her only real vice
Was eating buffet when she trained
Said Will, with a hint of despair,
“I really do wish I could share
A seasonal verse…
But (unprintable curse)!
Tell me WHAT season? WHICH season? WHERE??”
“Mid-April, we should’ve thought twice;
But the weather was so freaking nice
That we said, ‘Now the days’ll
Be warm. Plant the basil!’
The very next day, we had ice.”
When Mark’s bawdiness can’t be restrained,
does dear Mad feel her contest’s profaned?
Does her presence of mind
turn to anger that’s blind?
And if so, does dear Mad have Mark Kaned?
A woman was feeling restrained
To the bedpost handcuffed and chained
Powerless to fight
She gave in to her plight
With passion pure and unconstrained
A woman whose budget was strained
Had no toilet, and so she explained:
My garden’s my potty;
I go and get squatty
And water my plants till I’m drained.
My poor little brain has been drained
I’m slow and I’ve been poorly trained
But I feel like a dill
Re the Koala tea’s ri(dd)le
Now the “Quality of Mercy’s not strained”
Topical alternative limericks for Earth Day, April 22:
On Earth Day it seems there’s a dearth
Of folks who respect our land’s worth.
It’s a major disgrace
How our planet’s defaced.
Type of people I like? Down-to-earth.
To the one that has given us birth,
Be respectful and show what’s she’s worth.
We’ve been somewhat errant;
Neglected our parent.
Please be kinder to our Mother Earth.
With some noise in the background, I strained
To hear as my brother explained
How (like mine) had increased
His blood pressure, at least
Twenty points, and we’d both some pounds gained.
In the kitchen I fussed and complained
The cookbook at length of arm craned
A presbyopian squint
Cannot help with small print
Which is light, on dark background contained.
My impulse to cook had fast waned
I ate steak that was GRASS-fed, not grained
I’ve lost, in all truth,
Some premolars of youth
But incisors at least I’ve maintained!
I could fume, but I’ll keep it restrained
From expletives I have abstained.
Old age, when it comes
Has some unwelcome chums!
Small wonder I’m feeling so drained!
“Our rivalry must be constrained,
or the end will be bad,” I maintained.
“Like those biblical siblings
with their trivial quibblings,
you ain’t able to take being caned.”
To reach treble C, I now strained
After G4 my poor voice just waned
I sing lower key
(Reaching down to C3)
So the choir a tenor has gained.
(A true story. There is an appalling lack of proper treatment in the UK for hypothyroidism, and one side effect of this condition can be a deepening of the voice. I used to sing in the mezzo-soprano range, but am now a tenor. On the plus side, tenors are like gold-dust to choirs.)
Thanks so much everyone for another fun week of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Congratulations to the Limerick of the Week Winner, Holiday Limerick Award winner, the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award Winner, and the Honorable Mention Winners:
Limerick of the Week 161.
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick Disguise.