Say “NO!” To “Yes, Dear”
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Here’s something most husbands should fear:
Wives’ reactions on hearing, “Yes, dear.”
It’s a phrase to avoid
Cuz we’re not just annoyed,
But enraged. Guys could lose precious “gear.”
Archive for April, 2014
Say “NO!” To “Yes, Dear”
Wednesday, April 30th, 2014Life With Mark Kane
Tuesday, April 29th, 2014(All dialogue guaranteed true)
Mark: “Now that I’ve won, I can go to sleep.” (gazing down, admiringly, at his laptop’s “free cell” screen at 10 pm)
Me: “Remember that Walter Kirn book I mentioned the other day?”
Mark: “Yeah, yeah, yeah.” (still looking down)
Me: “The one about the impostor…”
Mark: “Yeah, yeah, yeah.” (still looking down)
Me: “I just started reading it.”
Mark: “Yeah, yeah, yeah.” (still looking down)
Me: “You’re not listening to me.”
Mark: “Yeah, yeah, yeah.” (still looking down)
Me: “I said you’re not listening to me!”
Mark: “Huh??? Yes, I am.”
Me: “What am I talking about?”
Mark: “Uh…”
Me: “Remember? The Kirn book? I was telling you about it the other day.”
Mark: “Oh yeah.” (surreptitiously typing.)
Me: “You’re looking up “Kirn” in Google aren’t you?”
Mark: “Of course not! I remember you talking about Bruce Kern.”
Me: “I’ve never even heard of Bruce Kern. Stop trying to cheat with Google.”
Mark: “I’m not trying to cheat.”
Me: “Yes you are. I’m talking about WALTER Kirn’s book about the Rockefeller impostor.”
Mark: “Oh, yeah. Jay Rockefeller and the Hamptons.”
Me: “No! “CLARK Rockefeller. Driving a crippled dog from Montana to Manhattan.”
Mark: “Yeah, yeah, yeah.”
Me: “I give up!”
Limerick Ode To Roget’s Thesaurus
Tuesday, April 29th, 2014Limerick Ode To Roget’s Thesaurus
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Serenade, sing, belt out, croon in chorus:
Happy Birthday to Roget’s Thesaurus,
Sterling word-meister’s brew,
Published Eighteen-Five-Two
In late April. The tome is a Taurus!
(Dr. Peter Mark Roget released his ground-breaking English-language word reference book, Roget’s Thesaurus, to the public on April 29, 1852.)
Limerick Disguise (Limerick-Off Monday)
Saturday, April 26th, 2014It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 11:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:
A woman was dating three guys…*
or
A fellow was out with the guys…*
or
A fellow who wore a disguise…*
or
A gal was just one of the guys…*
*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)
Here’s my limerick:
Limerick Disguise
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A sales clerk who dates many guys
Keeps them coming with kudos and lies.
She’ll bellow in bed,
“What wonderful head!”
A whopper each buys — no surprise!
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Limerick of the Week (161)
Saturday, April 26th, 2014It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SUE DULLEY, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
With manners polite and restrained
Victoria’s household was trained.
At twenty past three
Someone else served her tea —
The Queen never poured when she reigned.
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special Holiday-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
It’s Easter. We’ve run out of money;
Our rabbit’s regarding us funny.
We can’t afford lamb,
And we’ve finished the spam —
She suspects she’ll become roasted bunny.
Congratulations to CRAIG DYKSTRA, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
“You are guilty of meter that’s strained,
And of puns that are terribly pained.
You’ll be struck twenty times
For your crimes against rhymes;
Please step forth to be Madeleine-caned.”
Congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners in the “Holiday Limerick Division” (in random order) Fred Bortz, Will T. Laughlin, and Steve Krodman a/k/a Elisson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Fred Bortz:
After one week of matzah, he strained
To egest all the stuff that remained.
The whole town heard him howl
From the pain in his bowel.
Alas, he’d from prune juice refrained.
Will T. Laughlin:
Said the rabbi, “Commandment from heaven
Says you have to get rid of your leaven
By Nissan 14.”
What on earth could he mean?
I drive a Toyota 07!
Steve Krodman
Now it’s Pesach. The thing that I dread
Comes from all that damned unleavened bread.
For whenever I eat,
It sets up like concrete,
And I spend all my time in the head.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners in the “Strained Limerick Division” (in random order) Brian Allgar, Robert Schechter, Chris Doyle, Tim James, and Konrad Schwoerke. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Brian Allgar:
They asked why my Dad’s been restrained
From approaching Bill Gates. I explained
That his eyes become crazed,
Turning glassy and glazed —
At the mention of ‘Windows’, he’s pained.
Robert Schechter:
If Clinton had been more restrained,
If before he was done he’d refrained,
Both Monica’s dress
And his good name, I guess,
Would have come through the scandal unstained.
Chris Doyle:
All of Denmark’s top quad sculls have strained
Through long workouts and tirelessly trained
For the national race,
Which — let’s cut to the chase —
Makes first place for one crew four-oar-Daned.
Tim James:
A woman had struggled and strained
To keep her young beau entertained.
With all of that sexing
She found something vexing:
Who suspected that *that* could get sprained?
Konrad Schwoerke:
When Mark’s bawdiness can’t be restrained,
Does dear Mad feel her contest’s profaned?
Does her presence of mind
Turn to anger that’s blind?
And if so, does dear Mad have Mark Kaned?
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Wavering Limerick
Wednesday, April 23rd, 2014Wavering Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Shall I mention this day? Yea, or nay?
Can’t decide which opinion holds sway.
So I’m stuck on the brink.
Let me know what you think
About noting Ambivalence Day.
(Ambivalence Day is April 24.)
Pasta Dreams (Limerick)
Monday, April 21st, 2014Mark (unlike me) follows the Passover dietary rules. And now that the end’s in sight, he’s practically panting in anticipation of pizza and pasta.
Pasta Dreams (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
My husband’s excitement is rising.
His mood’s leavened, which isn’t surprising.
Cuz Passover week
Is soon ending its streak;
Bread and pasta-decriminalizing.
Nosy Neighbor Appreciation Day (Limerick)
Thursday, April 17th, 2014Happy “Nosy Neighbor Appreciation Day!” Yes there’s really such a day, though I’m pretty sure this isn’t what they’re talking about:
Nosy Neighbor Appreciation Day (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A man with a habit of peeping
Into homes while their owners are sleeping
Was arrested and tried.
His appeal’s been denied.
Now he’s jailed for his neighbors’ safekeeping.
An Eclipsed Eclipse (Limerick)
Tuesday, April 15th, 2014An Eclipsed Eclipse (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Last night, I kept searching the skies
For that promised “blood moon,” but my eyes
Were betrayed by the pall
Cast by clouds — a thick wall,
Which cut my dream view down to size.
Passing Over Some Rules (Limerick)
Tuesday, April 15th, 2014Passing Over Some Rules (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Though I’m Jewish, I’m still eating bread
And refuse to munch matzo instead.
I spurn rules all the time,
Except canons of rhyme
And of meter … so don’t be misled.
Passover Verse
Monday, April 14th, 2014May your seder be lovely,
A holiday treat.
May it not be too late
Till you finally eat.
Happy Passover to all who celebrate it!
Strained Limerick (Limerick-Off Monday)
Saturday, April 12th, 2014NOTE: THIS IS A TWO-WEEK LIMERICK-OFF. LIMERICK SUBMISSION DEADLINE IS SATURDAY, APRIL 26, 2014
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
Please note that due to the holidays, this Limerick-Off will run for two weeks, instead of one. So I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner two weeks from today, on April 27, 2014, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full two weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, April 26, 2014 at 11 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
And since you’ll have two weeks, I’m offering you a topical alternative: In addition to your regular challenge, you may write a limerick related to any April holiday, using any first line. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best holiday-related limerick.
And now, getting back to your regular Limerick-Off challenge, I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:
A woman whose budget was strained…*
or
A singer whose voice sounded strained…*
or
A fellow had struggled and strained…*
or
A woman whose mood was restrained…*
*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)
Here’s my limerick:
Strained Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A chef who had struggled and strained
To serve noteworthy food appeared drained:
“I’m losing my shirt,”
He said, scarfing dessert.
Seems his rep (and his shirt) had been stained.
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
UPDATE: July 25th is National Culinarians’ Day.
Limerick of the Week (160)
Saturday, April 12th, 2014It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to KONRAD SCHWOERKE, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
A crabber got into a scrap
With a mermaid who gave him a slap.
’Twas his rude repartee
After setting her free.
He should never have opened his trap.
Congratulations to Colleen Murphy, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
My husband decided to scrap
The need for consulting a map,
Which of course would explain
How we ended in Maine,
Instead of the Cumberland Gap.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Chris Doyle, Colleen Murphy, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Brian Allgar:
A fellow got into a scrap
When undoing the bimbo’s bra-strap.
As he tugged the elastic,
He punctured the plastic,
Deflating the doll on his lap.
Chris Doyle:
It appears I will soon have to scrap
Using plastic to buy all my crap.
Keeping MasterCard waiting
For payment’s creating
A creditability gap.
Colleen Murphy:
The young lass decided to scrap
Her plans with the old British chap.
Though he rocked in a suit
And his accent was cute,
Too often he needed a nap.
Tim James:
On Fridays he’d frequently scrap
All his scruples, and not give a crap.
First a keg of good brew
Followed up with a screw:
An end-of-the-week double tap.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Blame Game (Limerick)
Thursday, April 10th, 2014Blame Game (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A guy who was rather a stoner
Was pulled over and uttered this groaner:
“That jalopy was stole
“By me, so this bowl
“Of hash must belong to the owner.”
Note from Mad Kane: My limerick was inspired by this news headline: That’s not my pot; I stole the car, says Jay man.
Astrology Duet ( 2-Verse Limerick)
Wednesday, April 9th, 2014Astrology Duet (2-Verse Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
The sign Virgo is mine through and through,
And there’s nothing at all you can do
To convince me it’s crap
And frivolous pap.
I’ll critique you precisely on cue.
Now my spouse is a “home and hearth” guy.
When asked why, he’ll respond with a sigh:
“It’s a Cancer-type trait.
“Love my mate plus a plate
“Of home-cooking — stuff money can’t buy.”
Update: International Astrology Day is celebrated yearly on the first full day of Aries (on the Vernal Equinox.)
Limerick Scrap (Limerick-Off Monday)
Sunday, April 6th, 2014It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 11:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:
A fellow got into a scrap…*
or
A woman decided to scrap…*
or
A merchant who bought and sold scrap…*
or
I was writing some verse on a scrap…*
*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)
Here’s my limerick:
Limerick Scrap
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A fellow decided to scrap
His plans to develop an app
That would help him make beer.
He’d been told with a jeer:
“That app is already on tap.”
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Limerick of the Week (159)
Sunday, April 6th, 2014It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
When you’re singing the Anthem, beware!
Choose the pitch that you start on with care.
Even old Francis Scott
Went off-Key when he got
To the line, “And the rocket’s red glare…”
Congratulations to JANE SHELTON HOFFMAN, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
A woman was quite unaware
That her spouse had a job at La Bare,
Till she went out with friends
To look at rear ends,
And spotted his sweet derrière.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Chris Doyle, Konrad Schwoerke, Joel Wasinger, Sue Dulley, Robert Schechter, Christopher Finch Reynolds, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Brian Allgar:
The sign on the gate said “Beware
Of the Shih Tzu” – too tiny to scare.
But the son of the house
Had a Pit Bull, the louse —
I was bit by the dog of the heir!
Chris Doyle:
The hot couple next door to us wear
Not a stitch – mother-naked, buff-bare —
Lounging out by their pool.
Having neighbors is cool
When they’re not such a clothes-minded pair.
Konrad Schwoerke:
My wife disappeared — don’t know where.
To be honest, I really don’t care.
I expect them to leave me,
So this doesn’t peeve me.
My dungeon holds many a spare.
Joel Wasinger:
Her jeans were très chic “tear and wear,”
And she’d mindfully messed up her hair.
Forgive my dissension,
But so much attention
For a look that says, “Meh, I don’t care.”
Sue Dulley:
Rocks and mud slide down hills everywhere,
Airplanes vanish right out of thin air,
And now Windows XP
May quite soon cease to be,
And that really does give me a scare.
Robert Schechter:
Some say there’s an afterlife where
Sweet heavenly tunes fill the air.
But they tell me as well
That there’s also a hell
Where the music is Sonny and Cher.
Christopher Finch Reynolds:
The boastful old man was aware
That the top of his head was quite bare:
“It should be quite plain
That the size of my brain
Means that no room is left for my hair.”
Tim James:
My gal disappeared ― don’t know where.
I’ve a nugget of wisdom to share:
With your love, set a goal
Like the one when you bowl
And make sure that you pick up a spare.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Limerick Ode To Tweed Day (April 3)
Thursday, April 3rd, 2014Limerick Ode To Tweed Day (April 3)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Though it’s “Tweed Day,” don’t rush to conclude
It’s a fabric allusion — that’s skewed,
For I’ve just gotten word
That this day, April 3rd,
Is a birthday — Boss Tweed’s — sleazy dude!
A Fool’s Errand? (Limerick)
Tuesday, April 1st, 2014A Fool’s Errand? (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
It’s alarmingly easy to lose
One’s sense of what’s true, so peruse
With great caution tales spun–
And not JUST April One.
There’s disinfo galore in the news.
