Limerick Advance (Limerick-Off Monday)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 11:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:
A fellow was warned in advance…*
or
A woman rebuffed an advance…*
or
A gal got a tiny advance…*
or
A fellow prepared to advance…*
*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)
Here’s my limerick:
Limerick Advance
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A pit boss who tried to advance
His career using guile and romance
Picked the wrong gal to date–
The veep’s secret mate.
Is that man still employed? Not a chance.
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Ambition Verse, Casino Humor, Competition Limerick, Employment, Gambling Limerick, Gambling Verse, Gaming Poem, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Poetry & Prompts, Workplace Poetry, Writing Prompts
A woman perceived an advance
Enjoying herself at the dance
“I don’t care to be cruel
But I don’t like this fool”
She thought as she looked out askance
A woman had rebuffed an advance
Scantily clad she had been warned
Wolves at bay
Better not stay
Fetish for clothes not her they want
Hank
Reinforcements were required, to advance,
Was the message down the line in wartime France –
But at end what was reported
Came out horribly distorted –
‘Three and fourpence, and we’re going to a dance!’
An Autobiographical Limerick:
A fellow was warned in advance
That his throat really needed a chance
To rest to best fight this
Severe laryngitis-
He speaks and his wife looks askance!
The amorous knight’s bold advance
Was defined by the bulge in his pants
“You’re showing your mettle,”
Said maid, “I will settle
Assuming you have a free lance.”
I wish I’d been warned in advance
When approaching that doorway by chance
I stood stupefied there
And could do naught but stare
For the sign overhead read, “entrance”
An actress named Vivian Vance
Confessed an illicit romance
She said, “See this hickey?
“I got it from Ricky!”
Now Desi is too sore to dance…..
….
An author’s substantial advance
For a book on carnivorous plants
Alas led him to doom
When consumed by a bloom.
All they found was a shoe and his pants.
A woman rebuffed an advance
From a creep she had met by mischance.
She ran from the bar
And yelled from afar,
He should put his dick back in his pants!
If Only
A governor tried to advance
His career when he got any chance.
At his pressers (though I’d
Never say that he lied),
Giant flames would erupt from his pants.
we people know well in advance
Utah’s appeal has no chance
and the 10th District Court
will choose not to thwart
the right of a sanctioned romance
A gal got a tiny advance,
from a tiny guy wanting a chance,
to explore outer reaches,
of romantic beseeches,
but she longed for more male expanse.
A woman rebuffed an advance,
refusing an ask for a dance;
resolutely she sat,
a confirmed plutocrat,
awaiting some barons of finance.
A fellow was warned in advance
That the weather was awful in France
So the cautious young fella
Bought an umbrella
Galoshes and waterproof pants.
A fellow was warned in advance
re the dangers of Argentine ants
So he set up a test
Having lunch on a nest
And oh boy did the folks see him dance.
A fellow was warned in advance
to be sober when placing his plants;
he ignored what they said,
then when sodding his bed,
face-planted, his balance askance.
I asked for a kiss in advance
A pre-evening buss, perchance?
Soft hand on my cheek
My knees just went weak
She whispered so sweetly, “Fat chance”
My waistline has made an advance
O’er the years; now it’s quite an expanse.
“It’s never too late
To take off some weight,”
Said my wife. My rejoinder: “Fat chance!”
I knew I screwed up in advance
Forgot to take Beano, by chance
The salad of cabbage
Turned out to be savage
I sharted and ruined my pants
When the carabinieri advance,
Their tradition leaves nothing to chance.
When the danger is clear,
They advance to the rear,
With a now-and-then Parthian glance.
I may get demerit for lack of political correctness, and for using a word (Parthian) that people might look up without being enlightened, unless they look up “Parthian shot”. Even so, I like this enough to submit it.
The young lady heard in advance
That Fred said he’d get in her pants.
“He can’t be serious.
He’s delirious.
Why he hasn’t a snowball’s chance.”
You ought to be warned in advance
That my ancestors come from Penzance
Cryptic it may seem
Or I’m starting to dream
Take out “enz” and it’s Pance.
It’s time for my rooks to advance.
A two-pronged flank attack! Here’s my chance!
With my bishop uprightly,
I’ll fork the queen knightly–
Pin her down while the king looks askance.
That chappie whose pants did advance
And whose long name was shortened to Lance
Had a need to wear glasses
Cause some of those lasses
Were guys wearing pretty lace pants.
A fellow was warned in advance
not to take such a stupid chance.
But he wished to be seen
waltzing with the new Queen.
At the end of a rope he doth dance.
She blinked at my devilish advance:
“Think there’s a ‘hereafter’, perchance?”
“Of course I do!”
Said cute Nancy Lou
“Then you know what I’m here after, Nance.”
A gal lost a tidy advance
From some monks at an abbey in France
To compose something choral.
But she couldn’t. The moral:
Don’t compete when you know you’ve no chants.
A waltzer turned down the advance
Of a fellow in tight-fitting pants:
“The place is so packed,”
She observed with great tact,
“We don’t have enough ballroom to dance.”
Hamlet Re-Imagined
“Had we known what he’d do in advance,
We’d not be in this hole, Rosencrantz!”
“Shhhh! Let’s think, Guildenstern…
How to make Hamlet burn?—
We’ll have Stoppard look at him askance!”
A woman received an advance
From a fellow who wanted a chance
To fondle her breasts,
The ultimate of tests,
To see if they’re really implants.
Now our National Anthem’s “Advance
‘Stralia Fair” (an enormous expanse).
Kangaroos and koalas
Can enter our parlours.
Provided you give them a chance.
Too shy for a proper advance,
I sent her a smouldering glance.
She ignored me. I sighed,
And said, “Please kiss the bride”
To the groom. Guess I bungled my chance.
@Diane:
An alternative plan I’ll advance
(Meaning no disrespect to your anc-
estors): simply, my friends,
You’re revealing their “enz”
If you take off your ancestors’ “Pance”.
A woman paid in advance
for a call-boy, she took that chance
She opened the door
of her suite on first floor
and saw her husband looking for romance
A fellow was warned in advance
Not to take such an offensive stance
But ignoring his admonishing boss
Resulted in permanent job loss
And now he is doing the unemployment dance.
A woman rebuffed an advance
At the weekly singles dance
He asked for more
She scowled for sure
Now regrets not taking the chance
Vegetarians learn in advance
All those “don’t eat the animals”rants.
But I don’t avoid meat
‘Cause I like things with feet –
No, it’s just that I LOVE killing plants!
So boldly I make my advance:
I tenderly take both her hance*,
Saying, “Why don’t we go
To some woodland I know,
Which is perfect for making romance?”
No sooner the sentiment drops
From my lips (maybe five seconds, tops)
When I find out how she
Truly feels about me,
As the young lady runs for the copse.
(* Sorry; I felt the need for a new rhyme word. Purists may substitute: “I threw her a passionate glance…”)
So far does his boner advance
That his schlong is too long for his pants.
His dick, sticking out,
Leaves the ladies no doubt,
And the certainty kills the romance.
(Trust me to lower the tone of the place.)
A fruitcake prepared in advance
Filled with raisins and lots of curr-ants
Which were soaked in some brandy
And topped off with candy
Jenny Craig isn’t in with a chance.
She made herself up in advance
Her beauty she tried to enhance
And she entered the Diner
Disguising her shiner
With her “eats” displayed in a – bun- dance.
“As I have said so many times, God doesn’t play dice with the world.” — Einstein
The theories thinkers advance
To explain the whole starry expanse
Now tell us all things
Are just vibrating strings…
So it’s fiddling, not games of chance.
I rebuffed a flirtatious advance,
From a wraith at a seance in France.
I could see through her clearly:
She did not love me dearly–
We hadn’t a ghost of a chance.
Mad, hate to be a bother. Would you mind deleting the first two versions of my “ghost” limerick? Thank you for your kind assistance.
Note from Mad Kane: Done.
For our nation today to advance,
A directive is needed–a stance;
Or like previous cultures,
We’ll be picked clean by vultures–
“Love thy neighbour” is still our best chance.
There are times I can’t tell in advance,
If or when I might pee in my pants.
Though the end, it portends,
I’m now wearing Depends–
Panty liners now give me a chance!
Our coach doesn’t want to add Vance.
It’s ’cause Vance has a weird batting stance,
And pops up and strikes out,
And can’t run–the big lout;
Still, we’re hoping coach gives Vance a chance.
Thanks so much everyone for another fun week of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Congratulations to the Limerick of the Week Winner, the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award Winner, and the Honorable Mention Winners: Limerick of the Week 148
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Fried Limerick