Lax Limerick (Limerick-Off Monday)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 11:59 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:
A fellow was terribly lax…*
or
A woman who longed to relax…*
*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)
Here’s my limerick:
Lax Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane
When a man who’d been terribly lax
About practicing trumpet and sax
Was axed from his band,
He vowed that he’d land
A new gig and get down to brass tacks.
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Competition Limerick, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Poetry & Prompts, Writing Prompts
A fellow was terribly lax
‘Bout serving his newborn his snacks
Instead of purees
He filled him with Lays
And now finds his baby’s got backs.
A guy who in his youth was unusually lax,
And learnt too late life’s essential facts.
When finally educated by a lady,
Whom he met in a lane quite shady –
He took off with a bang and went off the tracks.
A woman who longed to relax
Smoked by the carton not packs.
She started to choke.
From all of the smoke.
For polluting she paid a huge carbon tax.
A woman who longed to relax
Thought of reading a book from her stacks.
She reached to the top
Before taking a flop.
Decided instead she’d have snacks.
A fellow was terribly lax
Playing fast and loose with the facts
His jiggered conclusion
Proved quite a delusion.
To the revenue man he still owed the tax.
A woman who longed to relax,
Would stop random men in their tracks.
Using feminine wiles,
And warm wicked smiles,
She soon had them flat on their backs.
Lazy lumberjack tends to relax
Way too much. Good work ethic he lacks.
He gets so much flack it
Is clear he can’t hack it,
So the lumberjack’s given the ax.
A candidate called in his flacks
To explain some hate ads from his PACs
“It’s not really slander,
“We just want to pander
“To voters who don’t care for facts”
A woman who longed to relax
Was obsessed with political facts,
She worried all day
And had plenty to say,
How to stop future terror attacks.
A fellow was terribly lax
About spelling and proper syntax
He made freinds his laugh
At embarrassing gaffes,
Not good when one grammar ransacks.
A fellow was terribly lax
Submitting his figures for tax,
IR got IRate
Because he was late –
His penalties are at the max!
A fellow was terrible lax
Not a care for rhyme or syntax
His words were frenetic
His limericks pathetic
Which is why this ends in giraff.
A woman who longed to relax
Was set to spin gold out of flax.
That it turned into linen
Was just the beginnin’
Of tales that she told about tax.
a woman who longed to relax
in hope she would reach a climax
wore out her man
her new Steely Dan
and several battery packs
A fellow was terribly lax
He’d bellow without all the facts
When asked to back up all
His claims he would buckle
And yell, “Oh, you need to relax!”
Pardon me for the visual:
An old woman who longed to relax
Took off both her top and her slacks
She unfastened her brar
And her drawers hit the floor
Along with her boobs and her cracks…
The neighborhood children were lax
In sidestepping boulevard cracks;
By the end of the day,
When they wrapped up their play,
They’d broken twelve mothers’ poor backs.
An old woman who longed to relax
Took off both her top and her slacks
Dropped her drawers and her brar
And her tits hit the floor
So darn hard that the floor boards have cracks!!
An old woman who longed to relax
Took off both her top and her slacks
Dropped her drawers and her brar
When she walked ‘cross the floor
Her wet lips drug along leaving tracks!!
A women who tried to relax
had tried several medical quacks.
What they told her was lame.
Her distress stayed the same.
So she settled on buying new slacks.
A pallet of generic X-lax
Was stolen from one CSX
Saw the train derail
Now leaving a trail
From Hershey to far LAX
Bill O’Reilly makes up what he lacks,
With virulent scathing attacks
On folks who might whine,
But that would be fine,
If only he stuck with the facts.
The fellow was terribly lax
When he worked on his income tax.
Ignoring instructions,
He missed deductions
And ended up paying the max.
New Yorkers have tried to relax
But they are short on some favorite snacks
Gabila’s knishes
are what everyone wishes
Will see one of life’s biggest come-backs!
Knish Factory Fire
To make up for knowledge he lacks,
The candidate simply attacks.
His strategy’s smart,
For political art
Shows that voters ignore all the facts.
Long after her death, Mrs. Lacks’
Lives on through her cell line extracts.
It isn’t a rumor:
Her cervical tumor
Is the subject of medical tracts.
Henrietta Lacks
Lizzie Borden showed major mad knacks
In giving her mom forty whacks
With an axe; and when done
She gave pop forty one
Then she beat the rap, Jack! Them’s the facts!
My adherence to rules is lax
For the limerick game, to the max.
Mad Kane laid down the law
And I shall not guffaw!
For are we not men, ‘stead of hacks?
A young nympho whose morals were lax
Whispered coyly to boyfriend Max
“If it’s pussy your craving
I’m too weak to be saving
Myself from the bulge in your slacks.”
An employee of Smucker’s was lax
In guarding ‘gainst grizzly attacks;
He hiked with grape jelly
Smeared over his belly
And strawberry jam on his slacks.
A lady who longed to relax
Took far too many Ex-lax
She sat on the throne
With a wince and a moan
Singin’ the blues to the max
Whenever I try to relax
I start to consider the facts:
I’ve lost all my gambles,
My life’s in shambles,
And my morals terribly lax.
a fellow was terribly lax
and blew at life like a sax
a mournful tune
of the misbegotten lune
if only he’d catch up, he’d relax
A woman who longed to relax
Lies down on a couch on her back
The dogs start to drool
the kids home from school
She rested 5 seconds – max!
A librarian longed to relax
When she met with her guy in the stacks
Where, ‘mongst Sartre and Gide,
They repeated “the deed”
As his manhood would wane and re-wax.
Two naive girls knowledge was lax
So questioned the use of their cracks
“It’s easy to see
They were put there to pee
But other than that what’s the facts?”
Her sex act knowledge was lax
But now she’s aware of the facts
For she learned new positions
From a couple of physicians
And the old family Priest Father Bracks
An old bushman whose habits are lax
A dead whore found in one of his shacks
Said, “I know it’s not nice
But I’ll keep her on ice
Then for town I won’t have to make tracks”
A fellow was terribly lax
In filling and filing his tax.
But in the auditor’s pursuit
They missed all his loot
Buried in the garden, in sacks.
A duck, whose bowels were quite lax,
Had severe diahorrea attacks.
He thought it unfair
That he missed Medicare
And had to be treated by quacks.
A woman whose morals were lax,
Despite some corrective firm smacks,
Dressed up in deep scarlet,
And lived as the harlots
Who spent all the night on their backs.
Some Hookers these days seem lax
For they’re spending more time in their sacks
But claim earning per day
What was once a month’s pay
Without getting up off their backs
A Cannibal’s bowels became lax
After eating a Dog and two Yaks
An Ape and a Gnu
And a Missionary too
He now keeps shitting his dacks.
There was an old whore very lax
Who only charged one dollar max
Her front you could F***
For half of that buck
And for fifty cents more round the back.
An actress who knew what she lacks:
“A Large Rack,” which always attracts.
So she made her decisions,
To have the incisions,
Then flaunted her breasts via flacks.
An old drunk who’d become very lax
Came home with zigzagging tracks
Kissed the cat on the floor
Threw his wife out the door
And went to bed with his PC and Fax
A Musician has become very lax
Now for music enthusiasm lacks
With all instruments he’s done
And has kept only one
For an ashtray, he uses his Sax
A woman who longed to relax
Gave herself a Brazilian wax
She waived her legs in the air
Like she just didn’t care
Whilst removing the hair from her cracks
At the deli, security’s lax.
But there’s no way to stop up the cracks,
For when customers wish
To top bagels with fish,
Then they’re picking the lox with their snacks.
To the concert I went, to relax;
But the orchestra’s made up of hacks.
They murdered the fragile
First bars of “Tintagel”,
So I shot ’em all in the Bax.
Tintagel
TSA is surprisingly lax
With unusual things in our packs:
They gave my wife hell
For four ounces of gel,
But they let me get through with my axe.
DOG WHISTLE
Republicans’ ethics are lax:
Break the country? No skin off their backs;
Our laws they erase,
While assuring their base
It’s the fault of the uppity… (ahem) permanent urban underclass accustomed to government handouts.
A fellow was terribly lax
While chopping firewood with his ax
He hadn’t a clue
As to where the chips flew
But had to sweep into sacks.
The fellow was terribly lax
In starting to figure his tax
When April rolled ’round
The fellow’d be found
Begging his taxman named Max.
OOPS!
But then had to sweep into sacks.
An old maid has now grown very lax
After giving a flasher some whacks
When in her direction
He exposed his erection
She nearly had six heart attacks.
A woman was terribly lax
About life in general , and facts
But since a sex course she took
Knows every trick in the book
About relieving the bulge in your slacks.
An old man had grown very lax
And a Gent no longer was Max
For he’d unzip his fly
And shock passers by
Hanging old feller out of his slacks.
A woman who longed to relax
Was accompanied by albino yaks
The one on the right
Thought she was too tight
And proceeded to push to the max.
A fellow was terribly lax
In his choices of soft drinks and snacks.
Had he listened to “Bloomie,”
His clothes, which were roomy,
He now would not have to relax.
The American government lacks
A basis of adequate tax;
From offshore locations,
Our big corporations
Are sheltering all their greenbacks.
Obama was terribly lax
So ACA’s laden with cracks;
To my shame & bereavement,
His signal achievement
Is open to right-wing attacks.
The Weight Watchers CFO’s lax
In responding to shareholder FAQs.
When a fat guy complains
Of unwanted gains,
He asks: “Is that net or pretax?”
The hypnotist said to relax
As the audience lay on their backs.
When they entered a trance,
He went through their pants
And paused to admire some racks.
The Congress regrettably lacks
A consensus on amnesty acts
So the alien crowd
Is completely allowed,
With support of Caucasians and Blacks.
Bonnie Heather went traipsing through the flax
Gamboling and frolicking to the max
Just to make this lewd
She went in the nude
and caused a tilt in the kilt of young Laird Max (R-rated version)
and hummed a lilt in the kilt of young Laird Max (X-rated version)
It’s humor my work clearly lacks —
Of late I’ve let life’s trials tax
What is left of my brain,
So from jokes I’ll refrain
Before Madeleine gives me the axe!
A woman who longed to relax
Recalled that she’d not paid her tax-
Es: filed, paid by fax,
Next a dose of Ex-Lax.
Now she dozes, content, in loose slacks.
A guy who’d been terribly lax
Learned one day he’d been given the axe:
Promptly went to the pub,
Got drunk – glubbity-glub,
Slurring, “Listen, dese are da real fac’s!”
Thanks so much everyone for another fun week of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Congratulations to the Limerick of the Week Winner, the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award Winner, and the Honorable Mention Winners: Limerick of the Week 140
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-off has just begun: Limerick Jest