Limerick Rap (Limerick-Off Monday)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 11:59 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:
A gal in an elegant wrap…*
or
An innocent man took the rap…*
or
A fellow was trying to wrap (or rap)…*
or
A woman was eating a wrap…*
or
The director announced “That’s a wrap…”*
*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)
Here’s my limerick:
Limerick Wrap
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A gal in an elegant wrap
Was dating a wealthy old sap.
She bed and misled him,
While scheming to wed him,
And dissolve her large bank account gap.
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Competition Limerick, Greed Humor, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Marriage Limerick, Money Verse, Poetry & Prompts, Scheming Humor, Writing Prompts
The director announced ‘That’s a wrap’
The stage crew hurrahed with a clap
a long night it was
all was keen for a buzz
they went off to the inn for a tap
A gal in an elegant wrap
came over and sat on my lap
She teased me all ride
until I espied
that “she” had a boner. Oh, crap.
I like yours Mad!
A gal in an elegant wrap
Gave my face one hell of a slap
As my cheek flushed red
I said “let’s go to bed”
She responded with her left knee-cap
A woman was eating a wrap
When some contents fell into her lap
To avoid getting grubby
She asked of her hubby
“Please pass me a napkin dear chap”
An innocent man took the wrap
For the despicable Walter Von-Trap
Who stole lots of money
And thought it was funny
To pin his crime on a hapless sap
Fastidious, she tried to wrap
Her dog’s pungent leavings – well, crap.
But she slipped on the grass,
Then fell flat on her ass
Thus the crap ended up on her lap :(
An innocent man took a rap
For a gal who was caught in a trap.
She was speeding, you see
At a hundred and three.
And the judge with a fine he would slap.
A fellow was trying to wrap
A wound he got in a scrap.
The bandage went to and fro
And covered him head to toe.
He found he was wrapped in a mummy-like trap.
A woman was eating a wrap
Along with a good looking chap.
After bottles of wine
She said “my place is fine.”
There they both settled down for a nap.
The director announced ‘That’s a wrap!’
He had finished without a mishap!
The stunts were great fun,
He was glad they were done,
He hoped critics would find them madcap!
A gal in an elegant wrap
Envisioned a rich guy to grab
Made herself pretty
A sultry of a lady
But stalked instead by an old jab
Hank
A fellow was trying to rap
About a less than clever chap
But he was sol
It tended to suck
The silly sap was crap
A gal in an elegant wrap,
Arrived at the ball with a map.
Here was her thinking,
She’d finish her drinking,
Then aim for a wealthy chap’s lap.
A gal in an elegant wrap
With nothing beneath, laid a trap
To get impregnated –
Unwrapped when she dated,
And bounced when she sat on his lap
The director announced “That’s a wrap…
“For our film on the Family von Trapp
“We’re soon gonna see
“Lots of green do-re-mi!
“The world’s never seen this much crap!”
An innocent man took the rap
For a guy in a red base-ball cap
It was worn back to front
And to put it quite blunt
If I see him I’ll fill it with crap.
She lunged for his knuckles: rap, rap!
“You know I won’t take any crap
When I’m your mean teacher!
You wanna play preacher?”
They grinned, then she sat on his lap.
I tore off the sparkly gift wrap
Preparing to cheer and to clap
On disclosure of gift.
Oh boy, was I miffed!
He’d bought me a British roadmap.
My lim’rick was ready to wrap,
The meter and rhymes were a snap,
But my beat count was wrong,
The last line is too long!
Man I hate it whenever that hap—
An innocent man took the rap
For a murder—I bought in a snap.
But found the depiction
Of crime strange for fiction
Then realised: this was a real chap.
[John Grisham, The Innocent Man, 2006. His first, I believe, work of non-fiction.]
In the old days of banjo (not rap!)
Pete Seeger sang Cumberland Gap.
On Appalachia ’twas written
Not a dull road in Britain!
I blush that I fell in that trap …
[The “Cumberland Gap” in Britain was the name given to a 6-mile stretch of the A74 linking England and Scotland in the 1960s. There was a time when I genuinely, if bewilderedly, thought that Lonnie Donegan was singing about a section of road between Carlisle and Metal Bridge. (I was very young.) This link refers, but be warned, it will bore you to death.] Gap
Bottle green was the thick, cosy wrap
That I bought for last year’s winter snap
I shivered; I froze
From my fingers to toes.
(Snugly clad outside: one water tap.)
The director announced ‘That’s a wrap’:
The musical family von Trapp
Fled pursuers with guns
When the quick-thinking nuns
Took the Nazis’ distributor cap.
When the goy in the shul wore a wrap
And a blue and white yarmulke (cap)
Rabbi said in surprise
“That is just a disguise
Your book’s upside down my dear chap”.
The waitress, she got a bad rap
For calling a frappé a “frap”
She said “Aw fer God’s sake
Just call it a milkshake
I’m not paid enough for this crap!”
An innocent man took the rap.
“Ain’t no grass,” he said proudly (the sap!)
From his plea he’d not budge
Until the dread judge
Draped over his wig the black cap.
If you’ve ever been to Boston, then you know how challenging it can be driving anywhere in Beacon Hill, one of the oldest and most picturesque neighborhoods in the United States.
Legend has it that roads were designed by cows. Perhaps, but what we have today is a maze of very narrow one way streets all over the place which makes it just about impossible to get from Point A to Point B, by car. So that’s what inspired this limerick:
Beacon Hill has the suitable rap
Of making no sense on a map.
If you walk you’ll make time,
But by car, it’s a crime.
You’ll just circle blocks lap after lap.
The thief saw her fine ermine wrap
And her neckline that plunged to her lap.
Twixt her breasts was some bling
But the thing was a sting
He got caught in the ol’ booby-trap.
On my front door I heard a loud rap
And the bug zapper gave a sharp zap
As it captured a fly
I noticed that my
Kitty had had a mis-hap.
I published a limerick rap
With rhythm: Snap tap / clip-clap / slap.
Its words: A libretto
Drawn deep from the ghetto.
But critics said: “Pap, clap-trap, crap.”
I’m back, Mad!
mine:
Wedding Bliss;
Not for Long
A gal in an elegant wrap
She married a regular sap
She couldn’t cook a bean
He didn’t know to clean
They fell apart, blew off the map
A fellow was trying to rap,
And his lyrics were saccharine sap.
He called it “unique,”
“Individual,” “chic,”
But his listeners christened it “crap.”
As she gathered the sheets in a wrap
A lover spoke true to her chap:
“Your performance?—no cause
For thund’rous applause.
But it’s likely I gave you the clap.”
his mistress was kept under wraps
she thought being a secret was crap
she threatend to tell
and constantly yelled
so then he paid and fell for her trap
silly rabbit cant rap
gotta rhyme more than 2 syllables for that
the tongue trips
& spit drips,
takes more than a kick left cap
In the outhouse a farmhand would rap
On the walls with an agonized yap.
And the farmer would then
Say, “So much for my zen—
There’s the sound of my one hand with clap.”
An Innocent Man took the rap
For another car-house mishap
The homeowner was fine
But maybe next time
The Piano Man should take a map
A guy used aluminum wrap
Tightly set on his head as a cap.
And just why’s that the case?
It blocks mind beams from space.
(His campaign to be Prez is on tap.)
An innocent man too the rap
For the girl in the elegant wrap.
He knew he would face a fall
but she was worth it after all
they were in it together – a trap!
We saw, when she took off her wrap,
That she’s wearing a dress with a flap —
And thus she is able
To stay at the table
And dine, while she’s taking a crap.
A lithesome gal, eating a wrap,
Received on her shoulder a tap:
“I admire your technique!
May we set up this week
A paid ‘session’ sans wrap, with a strap?”
The spirits on the table did rap
And ectoplasmic pulses did zap
But Harry Houdini
That sleight of hand meanie
Showed it all to be crap
Mad Wants More
I wrote one and said, “That’s a wrap!”
But Mad asked for more in a snap.
It’s late, but I’ll try,
‘Cause I’m such a nice guy.
And now for my overnight nap.
I watch a woman eating a wrap..
Tis my wife at Mcdonalds nigh..
Oh! what a thrill it is to eat healthy why..
The balance comes earlier i…
So we continue the McDonalds way…
Humpty Dumpty felt a sharp rap
As he fell off the wall with a clap
And he uttered “Oh Hell
I have busted my shell
I must have I heard something snap”
Be warned: if you’re trying to rap,
And your limerick talents you tap,
This anapest beat
Doesn’t work on the street…
So you’re better off shutting your yap.
(If your rhythm and rhyme are precise,
Then your rap may sound prissy and “nice”,
And you probably will
End up sounding like Gil-
bert and SulliVanilla-y Ice.)
Why is it most nights I feel rap-
Acious? Eating can be a big trap
When I’m happily reading:
Metab’lism speeding?
Perhaps, because now I must (crap).
{Mad, I think I like my prurient ones better than bathroom humor!}
The doctor purred, “Dear, do unwrap
Yourself – and I’ll fill in the gap.
Your body is charming!
Why, who are we harming?”
The nurses all heard the loud slap.
Miss Muffett was eating a wrap
While sitting on Jack Horner’s lap
She had finished two thirds
And gave some to the birds
But to Jack said “No whey you poor sap”
Manufacturers should take the rap
‘Cause the way things are packaged is crap.
Goods blister pack sealed
Aren’t easily peeled,
So the merchandise gets a bum wrap.
The photographer got a bad rap
At the wedding. He had a mishap
And received a big thwack
‘Cause the pictures were black.
He forgot to remove the lens cap.
Eminem (for his son) wrote a rap
When the one year old sat on his lap.
Lyrics said, “Life’s not fair
For my boy sitting there
‘Cause he constantly gets a bum wrap.”
A girl in an elegant wrap
Went for a walk with a skinny chap
She tripped on a stone
And went down with a groan
Said she, this track is a death trap
Said a Dutchman while giving a wrap
On baggy pants, clogs and black cap
“My pants are not daggy
Just patched and quite baggy
In fact they are ‘harstikke kenap'”
A gal in an elegant wrap
Sat down with an elegant chap.
In a manner refined,
He asked: “Would you mind
Removing yourself from my lap?”
A gal in an elegant wrap
Had a man who she sought to entrap.
When she told him she frowned
On his dancing around,
He replied: “Is that soft shoe, or tap?”
Said a dame in an elegant wrap:
“What is this Obamacare flap?
I cover my health
From resources of wealth –
Insurance is just a lagniappe.”
Said a gal, in an elegant rap:
“Feel the beat and endeavor to clap!
Raise your hands in the air,
While your plump derrière
May wiggle, and fingers may snap.”
A gal in an elegant wrap
Woke up from a 20-year nap.
She turned on the news
And shouted out: “Who’s
This White House mahogany chap?”
A gal in an elegant wrap
Favored cutting the budget of SNAP:
“It’s just to ensure
That each of the poor
May lift himself by his bootstrap.”
The first time I listened to rap
On a subway, revived from a nap,
Shakespeare still in my head
From the lines I’d just read,
I’d have sworn I could hear the Bard clap.
The nun gave his knuckles a rap,
Chiding, “Button up! Zip up your trap!”
Years later his shrink
Neglected to think
When he asked him, “So why did you snap?”
Thanks so much everyone for another fun week of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Congratulations to the Limerick of the Week Winner, the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award Winner, and the Honorable Mention Winners!
Limerick of the Week 133
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick Place