Limerick Eyes (Limerick-Off Monday)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 11:59 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:
A woman with beautiful eyes…*
or
A fellow was feasting his eyes…*
or
A woman with stars in her eyes…*
or
A gal was a sight for sore eyes…*
or
A fellow who dots all his i’s…*
*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)
Here’s my limerick:
Limerick Eyes
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A fellow is feasting his eyes
On a gal in a sexy disguise.
Since her face is quite plain,
Plainly that ain’t the main
Feature giving the man quite a rise.
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Appearance Humor, Bawdy Humor, Competition Limerick, Eyes Humor, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Poetry & Prompts, Writing Prompts
A woman with beautiful eyes
Had a worldview, refreshingly wise.
She said “Don’t climb aboard it
If you can’t afford it.”
That pretty much sums it up, guys!
A woman with beautiful eyes,
Perky breasts, slender waist, and firm thighs,
Is considered a winner.
So men’ll buy dinner
In hopes of a peek at her prize.
They sing of Sweet Judy Blue Eyes –
CSN (you’ve all heard of those guys)
On the label it’s “Suite”
Since three movements complete
This great song which they all harmonize.
Van sang of a girl with brown eyes
With whom he would once fraternize
In the years of his youth
And this may be the truth
Whole or partial – don’t tell me it’s lies.
One handsome young man with brown eyes
Is getting some good exercise
As in two songs of old
He (or so we are told)
Heads for home as round base three he flies.
A young sheila with beautiful eyes
Won the nudist colony prize
For her arse so divine
Great tits and waistline
And vulva of just the right size.
A fellow was feasting his eyes
On her breasts and those glorious thighs.
“You can look but don’t touch,
‘Cause that drool’s a bit much!”
Yet he tried it: a move quite unwise
As he fell, body-slammed, to the floor
And gazed up – ah, so much to adore;
The view, tantalizing,
Was sure not disguising
The underwear – lack of! – she wore.
He lay there in wretched confusion,
Saw the look on her face: an illusion?
…They went “home” after all.
He woke up near the mall,
Wallet gone and cock sore: disillusion :(
The professor crossed T’s, dotted I’s
On the thighs of young women of size.
Sighed, “Your papers are wanting,
Your grammar skills daunting-
Ly poor. But I’m kind and, yes, wise
So we’ll test you for poor punctuation.
My lord, what a novel sensation
I get when enscribing
You, dear! Are you bribing
Me further? A C! Next! Yep, we’re done.”
Oops! Minor thing, but forgot the ending quotation mark ~ thanks, Mad.
Note from Mad Kane: I fixed it. :)
A fellow who dotted his i’s
Also loved to cross-tease (gals and guys):
He explained, “I inseminate,
And refuse to discriminate!”
…His use of a condom seems wise.
Mad crosses her t’s, dots her i’s:
She manages smartly the rise
In her websites’ activity
And shows a proclivity
For humor in many a guise :)
Politicians, we see in your eyes
Dollar signs but no stars. You’d be wise
To court public support.
(That’s rhetorical: snort!)
We’re so sick of your lies and your why’s.
Hillary, you’re so tired :( Your eyes
Reflect all the mileage and size
Of the tasks taken on.
Please come back – though you’ve gone,
We sure need you! ’16? Our hopes rise :)
As US Secretary of State,
It’s tough to dispute you were great.
Though it’s taken a toll,
We think you’re on a roll!
Help your country – again; we can’t wait.
A woman with beautiful eyes
Enchanted the neighbourhood guys.
But her angelic demeanour
Covered a quite mean whore—
A nasty old witch in disguise.
The vote from young men is all “ayes”
When a pole dancer gyrates her thighs
I also should mention
They’ll stand at attention
Although, from their seats, they don’t rise
A gal was a sight for sore eyes
She promised a guy to surprise.
She drank a quick fizzy.
And got herself dizzy.
To chug a fast triple proved sadly unwise.
A woman with stars in her eyes
Had a plan she tried to disguise.
She wanted to marry
A guy she called Larry.
But the plan she’d devise he’d quickly surmise.
A fellow who’d dot all his i’s
Met a gal with stars in her eyes.
In a jiffy they met
Worked up a fast sweat.
He couldn’t disguise his eager high rise.
A fellow who had a high rise
Met a gal with stars in her eyes.
This gal was sublime.
So he wasted no time.
“But, sweetie,” she said. “I want some french fries.”
Up in Congress they are seeking ayes
For a war vote based somewhat on lies
Cons showed them some pics
Assad must take his licks
While Al Qaeda are now our allies?
It’s much harder to know the bad guys
Who’s asking the what’s where’s and why’s
Of who gains the most
When people are toast
Despite rush to judgment outcries
Before the first dirty bomb flies
From depleted uranium skies
Please listen to the sane
No, that’s not John McCain
Since Iraq proved that he is unwise
It’s just not that war I despise
It’s “just war” that will compromise
Our poor country’s soul
There in that black hole
Let peace be our final reprise
A stray dog with beautiful eyes
Was adopted! Indeed what a prize!
But all the good he’s since done
Is now lost to everyone
FB closed doggies pages, how unwise!
He said she had ‘Hemingway eyes,’
A blue like the bluest of skies?
But perhaps he meant red,
Like a bull, when it’s dead?
She hated ambiguous guys!
This week’s offering has a title:
POLAR COORDINATES
If you have mathematical eyes,
You can tell us that e to i pi’s
Just second to none.
That’s right, minus one.
And knowing that makes you feel wise.
The editor dotted the i’s
And crossed t’s so it wasn’t unwise.
But the author rebelled,
Crossed his eyes, and he yelled,
“Now it won’t win the Man Booker prize.”
“For you see, having undotted i’s
And t’s with no crossbars relies
On the reader to find
The author’s lost mind.
That’s artful, which no one denies.”
The editor rolled her sad eyes.
“An ‘artiste’? No, just one of the guys!
You’re a mid-lister, Fred.
Get that through your hard head,
Trim that manuscript to the right size.”
A woman with beautiful eyes
was attractive to all the young guys
But one day she flossed
too hard and they crossed
Now she sighs as the guys make “Goodbyes”
You can’t tell by the look of their eyes
That what they are saying is lies.
They’ll seduce you until
Your deep secrets you spill,
And you never find out they are spies.
A fellow was feasting his eyes
On a woman’s sweet sensuous thighs,
When her pimp happened by,
And asked “Like to try
My working girl here on for size?”
A nympho with beautiful eyes
Treated men to a flash of her thighs.
With a wink and a leer
She’d say “What I’ve got here
Is a thing you should try on for sighs.”
A woman with stars in her eyes
Auditioned for Love Never Dies
But she had dreadful luck
With no script, she was stuck
When they said to her “Now improvise.”
A young girl who dots all her i’s
In a heart shape or similar guise
Is betraying her youth
One need be no sleuth!
Immaturity’s what it implies.
A woman with beautiful eyes,
Blessed with breasts of a very large size,
Wore a shirt way too tight;
It sprang open one night,
Taking most of her guests by surprise.
(I hereby freely acknowledge that this is a re-work of another of my limericks that was posted here months ago.)
A woman with beautiful eyes
Some light-hearted flirting applies!
A man’s heart to win
She’ll look up, with lowered chin
(This gesture, you know, wasn’t just Di’s.)
A fellow would dot all the i’s
And cross all the t’s the right size
But rejected the notion
Of seeking promotion
By licking the r’s—very wise!
The editor dotted the i’s
(so to speak) of the journalist’s tries.
But it didn’t pass muster–
To his staff he had just a
Brief order: “Sensationalise!”
A woman with beautiful eyes
Cosmetic aid did not despise.
With the aid of soft kohl
The casements to her soul
Were enhanced by the products she buys.
A woman with beautiful eyes
Was glad that her Muslim disguise
At least kept those showing,
And who would be knowing
The rest of her they might despise!
There once was a term: “making eyes”
At the males from whom you’d welcome “tries”.
But slang changes so fast,
Meanings morph from their past;
“Get a rise” now seems literal, guys!
In one entomologist’s eyes
The days are too short – no surprise.
With stopwatch in hand
Near garbage he’ll stand
And work on his project: Time flies.
He could not believe his own eyes
When he looked up and saw in the skies
A UFO coloured red
With signage that said
“Four’n Twenty, have the juiciest Pies”
A woman with stars in her eyes,
Said “My art I will not compromise.
I can sing, dance and act,
A young Garbo, in fact,
By the way, would you like that with fries?”
A Terrorist showed only his eyes
Using Berka as a disguise
But that all came undone
When the bomb in his bum
Went off early and caused his demise
An old fellow feasting his eyes
On a Porno got a surprise
When his shrunken old warhead
He’d long thought was dead
Was slowly starting to rise.
A young woman with stars in her eyes
Went in search of a Beauty Queen prize
Though her boobs were her pride
She was disqualified
Because of their unequal size.
Well, Radnoft, you certainly have a way of getting directly to the point :)
The gal was a sight for sore eyes
Which began to make him fantasize
So imagining what
They could do in the cot
Made his blood pressure and old fellow rise
A young thing thought batting her eyes
Would lead to a marital prize.
She snagged “him”, it’s true,
But as many things do
Turn out, she’s now sad (but not wise).
Thanks for noticing Patrice of the ManyCats
The captain thought “peeling his eyes”
Would lead him, with crew, to large prize
s. To grave dismay,
They were capsized that day
And now rest wit da fishes (*Wise “I’s”).
*Wise-Guy “Eye”talian fishermen! I crack myself up :)
They’re lustrous and huge: oh, those eyes!
Her legs, long and elegant – sighs
Were heard from the spider
Who crept up beside her:
Will she bite off his head, or part “thighs”?
A fellow who dots all his i’s
When he’s tightly between a girls thighs
Must wonder about
How he ever got out
When born with regard to his size
A fellow was feasting his eyes
On a very delicious surprise
A platter of bacon made into a pie
So big he would surely die.
A gal was a sight for sore eyes,
and thought by most men, such a prize!
Indeed, quite the looker,
she dressed like a hooker,
and from her suitors, she got such a rise!
A woman with beautiful eyes
Is likely to offer surprise.
After hard fought seduction,
You’ll find an obstruction.
You see she’s a man in disguise.
When a missile caught a Serbian’s eye
He knew nuclear attack was nigh
So grabbed hold of his “eggs””
Put his head tween his legs
And kissed his arsole goodbye.
“eggs” Slang meaning balls.
A woman with stunning blue eyes
Was a hit with most of the guys
Deep like the ocean
They caused such commotion
She oft had to wear a disguise.
A fellow sustained a black eye
And in no way did it gratify
When her nicker elastic
Broke and went spastic
While kissing his sheila goodbye
A polling team uses their eyes
To watch men very closely, and tries
To find out what men do
When they’re using the loo.
Most males are, they conclude, stand-up guys.
Upon waking Eve opened her eyes
Saw Adam and got a surprise
She’d been dreaming of dick
So she acted real quick
And fed him some fresh apple pies.
Miss Muffet had wide open eyes
Accompanied with ecstatic sighs
Just after she’d come
Per Jack Horner’s thumb
Which he usually poked into pies
The glasses help two of his eyes
Add his dapper black cap- what a guy!
Poke in ears, hands and nose
Big teeth, mustache, blue toes
Mr. Potatohead? Uh oh. French fries.
A woman with stars in her eyes
Thought her suitors were all terribly wise
But she soon found out
They’re just mucking about
With thin varnish-of-culture disguise.
a fellow who dots all his eyes
gave a rather frightful surprise
when brandishing a pen
he did it again
and slipped away free in disguise
A fellow who dots all his i’s
met a woman who loved making pies
she baked his favourite letter
and making it even better
scooped an ice cream dot to surprise
Cross your t’s and then dot all your i’s
Cast your vote wise and don’t compromise
Your last precious moral
Or you’ll have a sore hole
When your candidate screws you width wise
When Adam looked into Eve’s eyes
He recalled her ecstatic cries
The first time he was in her
After eating at dinner
One of her great apple pies
Jacky Horner had lust in his eyes
As Goldilocks unzipped his flies
And as she sat on his member
He was sure he’d remember
This was better than poking those pies.
He said suavely, “Let’s break the eyes…”
She murmured, “I do sympathize.
If your accent were smoother,
I’d think you much couther!
Entice, not the same as ‘end ties’.”
Her tee had been crossed by his eyes;
He, blatantly one of those guys
Who proclaimed, “I love chests!
More specifically, breasts:
They give more than my spirits a rise.”
She approached, her eyes fixed ‘neath his waist.
He leered, “Do you fancy a taste?”
She smiled: “Something’s there,
If exposed to cold air?
I doubt it: crotch space gone to waste.”
Had she used both ears and eyes
Bo Peep would have heard her sheep’s cries
Coming out of the trees
Where a band of Kiwi’s
Were emitting their ecstatic sighs
When casting she carefully eyes
The features of willing young guys.
Her task, to apprise:
“Will each fellow give rise
To a sudden and steady upsize?”
Today was the day we cast eyes
Upwards to the shocking blue skies
From which came pure hell.
And for all those who fell,
We miss and we thank you; just whys…
The sun’s nothing like mistress eyes
Says The Bard. I reply, cracking wise:
Were her eyes yellow-sphered,
Burning hot, ‘twould be weird.
Far more meet if the heat’s ‘twixt her thighs.
a juror was feasting his eyes
on the witness telling her lies
she hitched up her skirt
demurely smiled with a flirt
with pleasure he accept her guise
A woman with stars in her eyes
A smile that can melt hearts of guys
Bright and hot like the sun
Burning, yearning for one
Sweet kiss from soft lips, heaven’s prize
A fellow who dots all his I’s
And crosses his T’s may seem wise
But if he uses FC
Like you and like me
He ends up just one of the guys
The Stooges used to poke eyes
Causing mayhem to no one’s surprise
Larry, Curly, and Moe
Sometimes Shemp and Curly Joe
Could it be they are mankind in disguise?
Old Mother Hubbard’s keen eyes
Saw her cupboard was full of blowflies
And her poor doggies bone
Was completely fly blown
So she minced it and served it with fries
At Mary he made sheep’s eyes
With smooth talking soon mesmerised
In 9 months to this ram
Mary had a little lamb
And weren’t all the doctors surprised
A young wife with cool lyin’ eyes,
Does little to try and disguise
Her sexual needs,
And so she proceeds,
To cheat on her marriage with guys.
An editor dots all the i’s
for a big daily news enterprise,
and he has eyes for Dot,
whom he thinks is real hot,
but to her, he’s no Pulitzer Prize.
It’s important to keep both your eyes
on a college degree as your prize.
Put yourself to the task,
or the question you’ll ask
will be “do you want that with fries?”
A fellow was feasting his eyes
On two breasts of considerable size
The deli clerk barked,
“You want white meat or dark?”
So he ordered the pair, with some fries
A woman with nearsighted eyes
Felt the moisture that dampened her thighs
Her man, with alarm,
Said “You’re sucking my arm”
Which cut her mood back down to size
A woman averted her eyes
From a man of considerable size.
He was quite large and pink –
But it’s not what you think.
She scooched over, enplaned: it seemed wise.
The couple could not take their eyes
From the sight of those long railroad ties.
Tie him up, tie her down!
Heard too late, whistlin’ soun’…
Drunken lovers ev’where empathize.
Georgie Porgie had that look in his eyes
And ignored the girls cajoling cries
But when the boys came out to play
He suddenly realised he was gay
So farewell pudding and pies
Three monkeys ( one hiding his eyes)
Are noted for being quite wise
But where Freud does prevail
The sting lies in the tail
And it largely depends on the size.
A woman with beautiful eyes
Was considering my son’s size
Saying “when I wear glasses
I focus on asses
And I do make the “subject” arise”.
Dear Boss: as your ears and your eyes,
I’m one of the best of your spies.
Still… unless ficus trees
Are expected to sneeze,
They may have seen through my disguise.
Was he guilty? The Court of Assize
Soon rang with the jurymen’s cries.
Though the eight who said “Nay”
Finally carried the day,
It was truly a fight for four “Aye”s.
(That last one, I forgot to note, is out-of-competition: putting the rhyme word last.)
THE THREE STOOGES IN EGYPT
I just can’t believe my own eyes:
Louie, Steve and Michele win the prize.
To go on a junket
And thoroughly flunk it
Takes talent. So… good going, guys!
If you’d, to the world’s startled eyes,
Just lobbed some banana cream pies,
The embarrassing mess
Would have been a lot less
(Though much funnier, I realize).
Ms. Bachmann? Michele? “Crazy-Eyes”?
Please try this new role on for size:
Don this uniform. Stand,
And then raise your right hand
And repeat with me: “Would you like fries…?”
A fellow was prone to surm-eyes
For all couples, love blooms but then dies.
And so Certain Harry
Declared he’d never marry;
Solo headstone points out where he lies.
It’s believed we each transit alone
Leaving earthbound possessions (and phone).
Harry wondered what’s next,
But we’re all quite perplexed.
Report back?! No: he’s shed “self” and flown :)
Born with dollar signs there in his eyes
Spent his life getting rich with his lies
Fame and fortune, the lot
Big deal and So what!
He just died like the rest of us guys.
There’s a gleam in the cannibal’s eyes
And ignoring the Missionaries cries
Adds salt to the pot
And when cooked serves the lot
To the tribe together with fries
How the woman with lackluster I’s
Had just won a calligraphy prize:
“After smoking a J—
Cuz I’m nervous, OK?—
There’s no worry concerning the Y’s.”
A gorgeous card dealer with beautiful eyes
Would roll them and wink to attract all the guys.
Bending over while dealing
Caused many a hard feeling
And the guys shot their wads most unwise.
Little children light up Santa’s eyes
He has none of his own though he tries
That’s because the old dear
Only comes once a year
As down a chimney he flies
Confucious with his slanty old eyes
Has sayings both humorous and wise
Such as “Wet kiss from Pleb
Like black spiders web
Soon lead to undoing of flies.”
A fellow was feasting his eyes
on a sleek pair of women’s thighs.
The guy was blind when done
and the girl went to run
screaming “You’re too damn literal a guy!”
Thanks so much everyone for another fun week of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Congratulations to the Limerick of the Week Winner, the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award Winner, and the Honorable Mention Winners: Limerick of the Week 131
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick Fix
Just for fun:
With Alzhiemers your mind goes astray
But it’s not all as bad as they say
So you cannot recall?
But your having a ball
Meeting lots of new folk every day.