Pining For Limericks (Limerick-Off Monday)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 11:59 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:
A fellow would often opine…*
or
A woman would frequently pine…*
or
A woman had planted a pine…*
or
A craftsperson working with pine…*
*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)
Here’s my limerick:
Pining For Limericks
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A poet would frequently pine
For lost love, a dark topic he’d mine
In most of his verse,
Until sad went to worse —
She returned — now he can’t write a line.
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Competition Limerick, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Love Limerick, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Humor, Relationship Poetry, Writing Prompts
Very nice limerick Mad.
The casket, all crafted in pine,
Needs changes ‘fore I make it mine.
Interred with my bones
Must be working cell phones;
If I’m buried alive, I’ll be fine!
My dear Southern wife likes to pine
For Johnny Cash, “I Walk the Line.”
I will cut her some slack
‘Cause he IS “Man in Black”
But I really prefer my John Prine.
A woman had fashioned from pine
A dildo that managed to combine
The width she desired
With a length that inspired
Pole-vaulters to steal the design.
Granma swore by the cone from a pine
To tell if ‘twould rain or ‘twould shine;
If it stayed tightly shut
Bloomers stayed on her butt,
If open, they’d flap on the line!
Pining Squirrel 04.08.2013
A squirrel supine chomping pine
If the weather is fine he’ll incline
To savour each seed
What more does he need?
A lady to share his sweet wine.
“I need money,” the stripper pined
“For relief from financial bind.”
As she gyrates and thrusts,
Says, “The boredom disgusts,
‘Cause it’s always the same old grind.”
The Territorial Dwarf 04.08.2013
In the mine big George lay supine
Them bottles of wine were divine
A dwarf then appeared
And shaved off his beard
Above and bellow trouser line
The aromas of ocean and pine,
Waft over our naked recline,
Alone on a beach,
With clothes out of reach,
After drinking too much of that wine.
A woman had planted a pine
That grew in a very straight line.
One day the wind blew.
And down the pine flew.
With the roof of her house did entwine.
A fellow would often opine
Of days before twenty nine.
The wealth it would flow
Like a vine it would grow.
Days of roses and fine sparkling wine.
A fellow would often opine
Of days before twenty nine
His stocks were a float
Then sank like a boat.
His wealth dried up on the vine.
A fellow would often opine
Of matters devoutly divine.
He was quite analytic
Whined apocalyptic
Doom for mankind in twenty nine.
A fellow, a fan of John Prine
Thought the folksinger’s singing was fine
“I love his ‘Dear Abby,’
“It isn’t too shabby!
“But couldn’t he gargle sometime?”
A craftsperson working with pine
Really hoped to make something sublime.
But she just couldn’t see
Things well in 3-D.
To painting she was more inclined.
A woman would frequently pine
Over designer clothes she thought divine.
But she couldn’t afford
To go overboard;
Had to settle for fashion less fine.
A fellow would often opine:
“You should say what you think; show some spine,
But I’ve frequently found
An opinion’s unsound
If it glaringly differs from mine.”
A fellow would often opine
that any tree would be fine
but he did have a preference
and just for your reference
the tree like most was the pine.
Don’t sit by the phone and just pine.
Encourage your courage with wine.
Then wear something tight,
To troll through the night,
For your next, lusty hot intertwine.
Pinocchio’s penis was pine
And sanded exceedingly fine.
But for him, STDs
Meant “Some Termite Disease”
So I think I’m quite happy with mine.
A fellow would often opine
On the evils of whiskey and wine,
So we townsfolk were tickled
On finding him pickled
As though he’d been soaking in brine.
Nicely Mad, there’s more than an element of truth in there.
A woman had planted a pine
Instead of her usual vine
It tasted like bleach
She started to preach
Then pulped it and drank it like wine
What faux character was once said to pine
For the fiords, in a now famous line?
I am sure you don’t need
More than this idle lead,
And the answer you’ll quickly divine.
As I’m sure that you know who did pine
In this way in this riddle of mine
Watch it Palin relation
To last week’s creation
Of Steve’s that was truly divine
@Sancho:
If a craftsperson working with pine
Really made such a dildo design
In this unlikely fashion
Then in fits of passion
I’m afraid it might splinter in time
Use of wood that is so soft like pine
Would most likely be just for design
Then the engineer folk
Would suggest using oak
So the wood would be hard just like mine
Sometimes (I admit it) I pine
For the life, youth and health that were mine.
I think with despair
Of my full head of hair,
And I pull up the covers and whine.
Ex street walker went into a pine
As sex stopped making her whine
Positions don’t vary
Now it’s missionary
Since prude husband liked her supine
Baseball player riding the pine
While world series was on the line
Feeling butt cheeks clench
At far end of the bench
The fool couldn’t get off asinine
A craftsperson working in pine
Made a coffin while drinking cheap wine
The next day his sore head
Made him wish he were dead
In the grave in his latest design
Correcting my meter:
This one craftsperson working in pine
Made a coffin while drinking cheap wine
The next day his sore head
Made him wish he were dead
In the grave in his latest design
A retired craftsman who worked in pine
Came and cut down a tree that was mine
I said to the swine,
“It’s time to define
Why your craft output soon will decline!”
On a lower bunk fashioned of pine,
The trysting pair went to recline.
They squealed and they wriggled
At least ’til I giggled.
Then they blushed, for the upper was mine.
The physicist liked to opine
That’s Schroedinger’s cat was just fine.
Then he opened the box
And alas, shock of shocks,
He discovered a half-dead feline.
Oops. Extra apostrophe-s
The physicist liked to opine
That Schroedinger’s cat was just fine.
Then he opened the box
And alas, shock of shocks,
He discovered a half-dead feline.
Tarzan’s Old Travel Memories
A fellow would often opine…
when chimp and he took in sunshine,
and dear sweet Jane
would always complain:
there was not enough room on the vine.
@Jon Gearhart
A parrot was once said to pine
For the fi-ords, a fav’rite of mine.
This Norwegian Blue
(Lovely plumage, it’s true)
Was demised and not just in decline.
The parrot did not really pine
For the fi-ords while it did recline.
Poor Polly’s decease
Was complained of by Cleese –
In that sketch, he and Palin both shine.
A sad story of quantitative love that was not to be:
Said the mathematician, “I pine
For a woman with this shape divine.”
He displayed his equation
On every occasion.
It wasn’t a very good line.
A young girl who tried not to pine
Met a guy on a quite steep incline
But the dirty old devil
Was not on the level
To recline she just had to decline.
Fred Phelps will often opine,
we’re headed for Hell un-divine,
but that highway is paved,
for the cruel and depraved,
and he is the first one in line.
@Fred Bortz
He has caught the short end of the pine
If he thinks it’s a half-dead feline
That’s a pessimist view
When it’s logical to
Assume any life means the cat’s doing fine
@Jon Gearhart
For that semi-dead feline, we pine.
It’s lost four-and-a-half lives of nine.
But it isn’t bereft;
Four point five lives are left.
To an optimist, that’s a good sign.
And if I may further opine,
I’ll point out that this half-glass of mine
Still cheers if half-empty
And sorely will tempt me
To top it off with some more wine.
Too much of that sends me supine
Though I feel as if I’m on Cloud Nine.
So a pessimist’s view
Is to stop at to few
While an optimist cheers with L’Chaim.
(Note 1: I hope that one semi-rhyme is acceptable in the quest for humor at the end.)
(Note 2: For the origin of “Cloud Nine,” read my review of The Cloudspotter’s Guide at Cloudspotter’s Guide)
She was gullible, pure as the pine
When she pondered, “These panties aren’t mine”
He said quite unabashed
“They’re for when I feel rashed”
Which she fell for, hook, sinker, and line
Mrs. Lovett was known for meat pie’n.
Sweeney Todd brought her folks who were dyin’
But chopped up with thyme
Made a taste so sublime
That they sold without her really try’n.
This lady who used to opine
On her theory of Moses’ time
In the desert spent wandering
She felt it proved one sure thing
“Men won’t ask directions, the swine.”
While we’re on the subject:
“Who will go on a big, long hike? I am.”
said Moses. “I will.” said Hiram.
“40 years, day and night.
Glad my pack Israelite.”
(Author’s Note: He’s a smart ass L’chiam.)
For the Post of the Grahams we pine.
“Why did Bezos haveta buy it?” we whine.
But Amazon’s boss,
Ne’er at a loss,
Wants to *Kindle* more reading on-line.
A good old boy lives on South Pine,
Met a gal who was lookin’ so fine.
He lined up his old trucks,
Then said “Like ’em? Aw, shucks.”
And she fell for that old pickup line.
@Jon & Sue
Of course Palin’s parrot would “pine”
For the fi-ords. The pun is a sign
That the shop-keep, like me,
Always wanted to be
A LUMBERJACK!
(bumm… bumm… bumm… bumm…)
Leaping from tree to tree…
(bumm… bumm… bumm… bumm…)
… in the mighty forests of British Columbia…
(bumm… bumm… bumm… bumm…)
… with his best girl by his side…
(bumm… bumm… bumm… bumm…)
… and he’d sing… Sing… SING…
(And if any of this makes sense to you, then you know how the rest of the post would go on from here)
He fashioned a paddle from pine,
Attempting to keep her in line.
She followed his cue,
And whittled one too.
Now Ping Pong with them is just fine.
A sad tale of a physicist who tries to teach his child a lesson too soon.
“It’s a pion,” I said, “not a pi-un.
It’s two quarks joined by Nature’s design
To cause nucleon changes
In strong force exchanges.”
At which point, my kid started cryin’.
(I actually wrote a series of kids books on subatomic particle, including one called The Quark.)
@Will
While the shopkeeper pines for the pine
And the larch and the spruce (goes the line)
I too yearn for BC
Where there’s still the odd tree,
Lots of vineyards and good local wine.
A fellow would often opine
That dating is best if supine.
But his date who was loath
To lie down and unclothe
Said, “staying erect is just fine.”
Through my windshield, a post made of pine.
The word STOP, an eight-sided design.
It smashed up my old Ford
“That ain’t what I meant, Lord,
When I asked you to send me a sign”
A pompous old snoot did opine,
“You must match your meat with the wine.”
A man, young and smirky
Quizzed the snoot re: beef jerky.
And the snoot, with the man, would not dine.
In my school Latin class I would pine
That our teacher, Miss Jones, would be mine!
I’d dream of a date
When we’d conjugate
But I knew if I asked, she’d decline :(
Olly and Stan’s “Lonesome Pine”
Seems to age like a cask of fine wine
Since first, as a lad,
When I watched with Grandad
Now my own grandkids’ joy echoes mine.
A German would frequently pine
For those who would send him a line.
He gathered them up
Like some little pup
And threw them into the Rhine.
A birdwatcher perched in a pine
to finish his bottle of wine
He giggled and squawked
at eagles and hawks
’til loons thought him one of their kind
A birdwatcher climbed up a pine
past the ‘no trespassing’ sign
His cackles and caws
soon attracted the law
and he paid the park ranger his fine
Inspired by my need to avoid one of my favorite online activities, except in this venue:
On Facebook, we often opine
With comments reserved and benign
You won’t find us flaming
Except when we’re blaming
Those fools who won’t follow our line.
They certainly have heads of pine
With sawdust for brains by design.
Their politics flawed,
Which they claim come from God,
But that deity sure isn’t mine.
I’ve promised no more to opine
On political topics on-line
Except if they’re suited
To be rhythmically tooted
In limerical form, line by line.
Almost forgot to submit on the blog!
A fellow would frequently pine
for a girl in Trig (period nine):
“Can’t she secant she hear
that I hold her most dear?
If only she’d give me a sine!”
A woman would wallow and pine
Of assets in rapid decline!
But trips to the gym,
Could bring back that trim,
Tight body and she would be fine.
My uncle loved cladding with pine.
Take the bathroom — was this by design
It resembled a sauna:
Pine walls to each corner
With its varnished and orangey shine?
For the days of my twenties I pine
To old age myself I resign!
My memory’s worse
It’s hard to write verse
Let alone an amusing punchline
Rog Whittaker sang: “I will pine
When Durham I leave, and the Tyne.”
The mistake here is clear
Durham’s river’s the Wear
Who neglected to proof-read that line?
[Roger Whittaker: “Durham Town (The Leaving)” 1969.]
In its wisdom the Court did opine
That the product of Jerez from vine
Alone is termed “sherry”
Which is logical — very.
Made in Britain, it’s “fortified wine”.
Vine Products Limited v MacKenzie & Co Limited [1969]; Commission v United Kingdom [1996]
For those tales of the Midwest I pine
Brave men and companions equine
Roy Rogers! George Custer!
Embued with such lustre
In childhood, these heroes of mine
On the ocean I floated, supine
Admiring the blue sky divine
I rolled over; now prone
I could see every stone
Every pebble and shell ‘neath the brine
These limericks cause me to pine
As my thought processes twist and then twine
On the subject today
What on earth can I say
To get a pun in the last line?
FOR (and against) KEN CUCCINELLI
Ken’s sodomy laws make me pine
For my writing: I now face a fine
If I stick a big dick
In my rude limerick
And it doesn’t go in a vagin’.
Thanks so much everyone for another fun week of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Congratulations to the Limerick of the Week Winner, the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award Winner, and the Honorable Mention Winners: Limerick of the Week 126.
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick Pair.