Finding Limericks (Limerick-Off Monday)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 11:59 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:
A fellow was trying to find…*
or
A woman was thrilled with her find…*
or
A man was irate — he’d been fined…*
*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)
Here’s my limerick:
Finding Limericks
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A woman who found she’d been fined
Worked hard at escaping her bind.
She got tied up in knots
Cuz the court system rots:
It seems justice and law ain’t entwined.
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Competition Limerick, Fines, Justice Humor, Law Humor, Legal System, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Poetry & Prompts, Writing Prompts
A man was irate — he’d been fined
In front of the judge he opined
“I was not phoning while driving—
To scratch my ear I was striving
But policemen, like Justice, are blind!”
A fellow was trying to find
Motivation to get his car shined
But the lure of the telly
And bread, butter and jelly
Left him for chores disinclined
A woman was thrilled with her find
A skirt of pure silk, fully lined!
In the thrift shop—dirt cheap!
But oh, she could weep—
‘Twas unflattering, when viewed from behind …
A man was irate—he’d been fined.
He’d dropped a bank note—absent mind!
A policeman, buttons glittering
Then nabbed him for littering
An action bizarre and unkind!
[Sadly, based on a true story in England]
A fellow was happy to find,
A young lass with no tits or behind:
“I don’t know if it’s gay,
But I like ’em that way,
And a penis? I guess I don’t mind.”
A fellow was trying to find
The woman with the perfect behind.
He fondled and caressed,
Some hundreds of the best
‘Til he finally went out of his mind.
A fellow was trying to find
The best pudding, and then came to mind
A chilled orange sorbet
That will please every gourmet
Served up in its hollowed-out rind.
A guy was annoyed to be fined
For giving a piece of his mind
To the arresting cop
Who told him to stop—
He didn’t, so now he’s confined.
A fellow was trying to find
A flea in his itchy behind
A woman did pass
Saying “Don’t scratch your arse”
And he said “You are very unkind”.
A fellow was trying to find
A style somewhat more refined.
He ravaged a lady
By method most shady,
Bumping but failing to grind.
Willy Darkstar was trying to find
A way to escape the egg where he was confined
T’was an unsavory spell
Which trapped him inside this hell
Where he was sure he’d go out of his mind
When staring at navel we find,
Of screw head it does quite remind,
So with turns, a few
Counterclock, you
Can detach your zaftig behind.
A man was irate he’d been fined
For driving his car while half blind
The judge said your foolish
For being so muleish
And tossed him in jail to unwind.
A woman was thrilled with her find
A guy with a nifty behind.
She grabbed his tight rear
Went into high gear
They frolicked for hours entwined.
A guy was thrilled with his find
A gal with fine wine he had dined.
All the way did she moan
As he took her back home
To unwind unconfined in a wild bump and grind.
A woman was thrilled with her find-
The bag for so long she had pined,
Was finally on sale:
Such leather, such detail!
Such style and it is so well designed!
(OK, nothing crucial to Mankind!)
I too was once thrilled to find
What I’d coveted time out of mind
A fab Guinness tote
Oh, how I did gloat!
That it had been to eBay consigned …
Caught naked and heavily fined,
This couple felt they were maligned.
With their form of free speech,
At this desolate beach,
They just tried to unwind with their grind.
Inspired by this recent news article:
Bionic Bottom
A cyclist was startled to find
That an accident stole his behind!
But with electronics
And fancy bionics
The fella’s now been re-assigned.
A housewife, emboldened to find
That her diamond was one of a kind,
Said, “See ya, you wimp!
I’ll scrape and I’ll scrimp,
But this stone will bring great piece of mined.”
A fellow was sorry to find,
His date not at all as defined.
From that internet site,
She appeared a delight,
But now he just wished he were blind.
After trial and error I find
I’ve diagonal sex on my mind.
I feel so alive
At degrees forty-five
With a girl who is likewise inclined.
At a Starbucks the worker did find
He was caught in a job most unkind.
When the coffee machine
Had been fixed and was clean,
He returned to the same old grind.
Oh wow that is very clever! Loved it =)
I’m sure Diane Wah will say “In your dreams” but …
In a bar, this young hottie I find
Wants to give me the old bump-and-grind.
Though I’m older and fatter
It’s mind over matter:
It don’t matter, and I sure don’t mind.
Kevin Klein is an actor I find
Who only APPEARS to be kind.
Though he once signed a card
He then crossed it out hard –
Yes indeed, folks, my card was de-Kleined.
An autobiographical contribution. I’ll probably be back with another.
A physicist, trying to find
Why limericks ruled in his mind,
Could never be certain,
For Heisenberg’s curtain
Hid measurements, making him blind.
In Wedderburn I had a find
(It’s an area very well mined)
A small golden nugget
Where no-one had dug it
Near a church “Blessed be ties that bind”.
A fellow was trying to find
The optimal way to unwind.
He tried food and sex,
Which at work got complex,
Leaving him jobless and nearly blind.
A woman was thrilled with her find,
A nice guy with a marvelous mind.
And not only that,
Right where he sat,
Arose a beautiful behind.
A man was irate – he’d been fined
For bad parking where he’d been wined and dined
By a prospective boss
Who was at a loss
As to why the man screamed, cursed, and whined.
A fellow was trying to find
A lady who just didn’t mind
His unusual leanings
And sly double meanings
As he saw she was very well wined.
The limerick writer was fined
For the prurient thoughts in his mind.
The judge called him uncouth
For his indiscreet youth
And crude actions of each shape and kind.
That perfect cup Joe’s seeking to find
From grounds that are freshly divined
Shells out nine bucks
At a local Starbucks
Each day while on his way to the grind
A woman was thrilled with her find –
Her tummy had firmed and declined;
The joy didn’t last,
Her weight had all passed
To settle upon her behind!
A woman was hoping to find
The truth in the term, ‘Love is blind’;
It needed to be:
Her visage, you see,
Seemed as if Picasso-designed!
The Parrot was feeling confined
In a cage that’s poorly designed
He won’t say that it’s thin
As the bars touch his chin
And the door is now his behind
Digging deep made a stunning find
In an orifice that is often mined
As index finger goes
Further into his nose
Found boogers were there on his mind
To my lady, I said, quite refined
“You’ve a shapely and proper behind”
She replied, “Please be crass,
And say.. What a nice ass.
For those words make me much more inclined.”
A man was irate – he’d been fined
That too just after he’d dined
A wonderful game of peek-a-boo
Followed by a dinner with brussel sprouts and shallots too
“Drank too much again?” his wife whined
Modern science progressing I find
Has a shocking effect on the mind
And who woulda thinkta
A bionic sphincter
Is there a fart button combined??
A woman was thrilled with her find
Something she wanted all the time
She was happy
Needn’t be angry
No more tantrums, tears nor whines
Hank
A woman was thrilled with her find
She found a man, sexy and kind
But when he spent her dough
on women, wine and blow
She tossed out the trash by his behind
A fella was trying to find
a shaker of salt left behind
the bit with the pop top
and busted up flip flop
were distractions of a drunken kind
Timmy was trying to find
ways to his deep inner mind
he felt so damned placid
when he tried the acid
till government got most unkind
We’re counting on Craig for to find
details of robot behind
Like, did he say “Oh?”
When C-3PO
informed him he was so inclined?
The cop at the crime scene did find
the bodies of lovers entwined
it seems that they died
while he was inside
a beast with two backs chalk outlined
Stevie Wonder, Ray Charles, both did find
That the research they did was aligned
To account for their plight.
It was termed “out-of-sight!”
‘Cause the study was done double-blind.
A fellow was trying to find
exactly how AWOL’s defined.
He found that a trip
couldnt quite flip
odomoters thusly designed
A couple was trying to find
partners of the swinging kind
they took out an ad
and found that they had
plenty they could get behind
A fellow was trying to find
If he truly was losing his mind
He said to the Doc
When I go for a walk
I keep leaving my trousers behind
A man was trying to find
Some clean words for rhyme in his mind
But was caught in a rut
And could only find smut
To suit verse of the filthiest kind
An old maid was so thrilled to find
She could fantasise with her old mind
So each night around nine
She’d imagine Einstein
Was giving her a bloody good grind
On his Talking Scales stood just to find
If he’d gained more weight on his behind
The Scales screamed , “Quick,
Get off you fat prick,
Before I become misaligned”.
A young lass was searching to find
If she’d have any doubts in her mind
When she met a bloke
Who wanted a poke
Would she leave her morals behind
A fellow was trying to find,
Why bigots can be so unkind,
It doesn’t take glasses,
To see those big asses,
are more than a little behind.
a fellow was trying to find
his very own behind
but even two handed
he felt rather stranded
a few of these people, i have in mind
ha
A fellow was trying to find
a girl who was one of his kind.
On his last blind date,
when he said, “We should mate,”
his offer was quickly declined.
A woman was thrilled with her find
She glimpsed it amiss
and sent out a kiss
and found it right on her behind
“If we screw doggie-style, you will find
That you love it,” he said. “I don’t mind,”
She replied. “Catch me, boy;
Then some sex we’ll enjoy.”
In the end, she was caught from behind.
A woman was angered to find
When driving, and hit from behind,
That the shock of the bump
Made her breast implants jump.
So now her front end’s misaligned.
The best presents, I think you will find,
Are the kind that are rather refined.
If you want a big lift,
Meditation’s the gift
That’s the best. You get presence of mind.
This for Dianne Groothuis:
A few nuggets of gold I did find
When one of the fossicking kind
And at Wedderburn too
I found one or two
But that was 20yrs ago mind.
Twas a pleasant pastime I did find
As the Bush is good for your mind
But my patience ran out I must say
Cos’ the lucrative side didn’t pay
And digging rubbish became a real grind
A man was irate he’d been fined
Just because he had a foul mind
And wrote limericks Crude,
Rude and quite lewd,
Plus some of the filthier kind.
Old Grandpa was trying to find
Any sex romps still in his mind
But the state of his doodle
Which resembled a noodle
Was a sure sign those thoughts had resigned.
A chicken, arrested and fined
By a thought-cop, contritely resigned
To the jaywalking rap
Without raising a flap:
“I confess that the thought crossed my mind.”
“You got banned from the dance club and fined?
For tardiness? Why would they mind?”
“No, you misunderstand me –
I said that they banned me
For feeling a little behind.”
Mathmeticians were heavily fined
For non-payment of loans…what a bind
But by law there’s no blame
Dotted lines bore no name
For instead, they had sined and co-sined
A physicist trying to find
The dark Matter of space had designed
A cleverer test.
“No luck!” he confessed.
“Clearly, Matter can be over-Mined!”
A woman was thrilled with her find:
A Roman scroll, hard to unwind.
But then her face fell.
Tears started to well.
She wailed, “But it hasn’t been signed!”
A peeping Venetian was fined
So he hired a lawyer who whined:
“Your honor, that maid
Had lowered her shade—
In effect, the Venetian was blind!”
In reply to Steve Whitred, re our usual opinion of SCOTUS:
When the justices say that they find
An opinion that boggles the mind
It’s Nino and Thomas
And Alito who bomb us
With words which cause our teeth to grind.
Now Ruth thinks that Nino’s refined,
And I know that they often have dined
Where they share jokes–so dirty,
After which they hear Verdi
Or Mozart if they’re so inclined.
When voting in chambers they find
That their views are not one of a kind.
There’s plenty of venting
When it comes to dissenting,
And logic is left far behind.
A deviate was irate he’d been fined
The charge was he had a Fowl mind
So for rooting a chook
The Judge threw the book
For behaviour that was most unrefined
A Lesbian was thrilled with her find
Of a Dildo , just the right kind
With a knob either end
She could share with her friend
So they both could enjoy a good grind.
A decrepit old man tried to find
A Hooker who’d give him a grind
But when he showed one his doodle
She cried, “With that noodle?
Old feller your out of your mind.
Now Lady Godiva did find
She’d drive a man out of his mind
She looked rather sweet
As she went down the street
Mode of transport? She surely equined.
A geriatric went out to find
A Hooker in bed for a grind
When his old boy played dead
She said to him, “Fred
Your sex drive is all in the mind”
A randy fellow was trying to find
A Hooker that was so unrefined
That she’d get on her knees
Her lover to please
So that he could enter behind.
SO HE WAS SITTING ON IT?
A fellow was trying to find
The place where he’d left his Right Mind.
Sadness left him bereft
Of the Mind he had left…
(All the time it was left right behind).
(Sorry — it’s too hot to be clever.)
We’ll awaken one morning to find
That the Earth has been squeezed to the rind
Of its oil. So what then
For the world’s richest men?
Bet the Bailout’s already been signed.
Mr. Rencible came home to find
His wife and his best friend entwined —
*Man’s* Best Friend, I should say,
An enormous Shar-Pei —
And the sight of it troubled his mind.
“Please stop it,” cried poor Mr. Rencible;
“Bestiality’s quite indefensible.
Oh, why go to hell
For a sin you can’t spell?
My darling, it just isn’t sensible!”
It doesn’t surprise me to find
lim’ricks of all sorts of kind
we jump through our hoops
but this fun ol’ group’s
fond of the lesser refined
He arrived home early to find
A scenario far from his mind
He discovered his Brother
Having sex with his Mother
So would that be incest of some kind?
An old fellow was trying to find
The energy to indulge in a grind
But his “old boy” you see
Was now 83
And sex drive was all in his mind.
Watched the US news today re Legalising Californian Gay Marriage and comment from one of the participants, hence:
A Gay was happy to find
He could now marry one of his kind
And since that now was the case
Look his lover in the face
Instead of always being at his behind
When staring at buns you may find,
Right before you a curvy behind.
If it’s lean, soft or round,
Don’t you dare make a sound.
Just enjoy it, and this she won’t mind.
A Hooker aided the blind to find
The right spot to give her grind
In Braille the direction
Upon her midsection
And also on her behind
A fellow was trying to find
Fruit from a too ripened vine
But the grapes he ate
Began to roil and grate
So he stewed and drank them as wine
A dressmaker lately did find
Her eyesight was verging on blind
She had many stresses
Sewing those evening dresses
Extremely, ornately se-quined.
A wanker was trying to find
The answer to stop going blind
For they’d warned this young hick
“Stop flogging your dick,
Or you’ll be joining the white cane kind.”
A girl on an airplane did find
That she was feeling quite tightly confined.
She asked, “Sir, could you sit
With your seat up a bit?”
Said he rudely, “I’m not too inclined.”
the chef after work he did find
affections for all kinds of rind
i do like it best
when it’s more than zest
but underripe canteloupes bind
A mathemetician did find
some digits that were misaligned
he thougt he could fudge it
when making his budget
but now all his notes are cosined.
A fellow was trying to find
A woman with sex in her mind.
In asking around,
He typically found
The ladies were not so inclined.
A woman was trying to find
Foundations adroitly designed.
Her boobies, she knew,
Were somewhat askew
And she wanted to keep them aligned.
A banker was heavily fined
For robbing his customers blind
But made no admission
Of sins of commission,
In terms of the bargain he signed.
Bernanke is trying to find
When recession is safely behind,
Which allows him to taper
The purchase of paper
That’s turning out hard to unwind.
The boss wasn’t startled to find
His new employees intertwined.
He said with a smirk:
“I knew in your work
You’d be getting a little behind.”
A mogul, in trying to find
A market that hadn’t been mined,
Made tunes to be shared
By the hearing-impaired
And movies to show to the blind.
Thanks so much everyone for another fun week of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Congratulations to the Limerick of the Week Winner, the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award Winner, the Limerick Saga Award Winner, and the Honorable Mention Winners: Limerick of the Week 120
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick Board