Limerick Suit (Limerick-Off Monday)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 11:59 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:
A fellow was hit by a suit…*
or
A woman was filing a suit…*
or
A fellow was wearing a suit…*
or
A gal rented space built to suit…*
*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)
Here’s my limerick:
Limerick Suit
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A fellow was hit by a suit
From his neighbor, and this one’s a beaut.
The core of the case:
“His trees have no grace.”
So the suit failed to bear any fruit.
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Competition Limerick, Law Humor, Lawyers, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Litigation Poem, Neighbors Humor, Outdoors Humor, Poetry & Prompts, Trees, Writing Prompts
Here’s my submission:
A woman was filing a suit
Against a fellow who sold her some fruit.
While it tasted divine,
After some time
It made her incessantly toot.
A woman was filing a suit
A divorce application, to boot
So much ammunition
Was in her petition
It guaranteed her decree absolute.
A woman who wore a swim suit
Sun-bathed on LA’s coastal route
Some cried, “Out of bounds!
She weighs excess pounds!!”
But she just said, “I don’t give a hoot.”
A Viking, while wearing a suit
Of long tunic and cloak made of jute
Could not make subside
The oncoming tide
This Dane King of England, Canute.
–
A lass who was told that a suit
Was required for a photo shoot,
Was most alarmed to find
It was of the birthday kind—
But the photos turned out quite cute.
If you go to work wearing a suit
In the mind of your boss ’twill take root
You’ve interview that day
You chase higher pay –
A competitor’s latest recruit?
A guy rented space built to suit –
Shop premises on busy route
He stocked delicate glass
But so much shattered, alas!
Why did he set up in Beirut?
A waiter was hit by a suit
He had brought into such disrepute
The restaurant, by swerving
Aside before serving
To steal bites of the chef’s boeuf en croûte.
A trial lawyer bringing a suit,
Sure it would add to his loot,
Though damage poor doc,
Or some priest unfrock,
Said, “Frankly I don’t give a hoot!”
A fellow was was wearing a suit,
And a tall hat to boot.
He looked pretty dandy,
And smelled like cotton candy,
But he robbed a bank and hid the loot!
A fellow was wearing a suit
All nicely lined looking cute
Happily
Unabashedly
And he was wearing high boots!
Hank
A woman was filing a suit
‘Gainst a guy she thought was a brute
He treated her poorly
And angered her sorely
Till the suit showed the brute’s disrepute.
A fellow was hit by a suit
By a gal he thought was real cute
He made a fast past
Got a kick in the ass
She proved a tough cookie, no dispute.
A gal rented space built to suit
A woman of royal repute
After flaunting her wares
Found a rich coot who cares.
Took his loot and gave him the boot.
Looking dapper in my new Zoot Suit,
All the ladies were hot in pursuit.
It would have meant more
But I paid at the door.
Say’s here, “Annie’s House of Ill Repute”.
A fellow was wearing a suit
As he played a nice tune on his flute.
He got lost in his song,
But felt something was wrong.
Whoops! His trouser fell down to his boot.
A lawyer was filing a suit
In the hopes of obtaining some loot.
But the case was dismissed
‘Cuz the judge, he got pissed.
As the facts in the case were now mute.
A fellow was hit by a suit
Wrongdoing he did not dispute.
He polluted the air,
But he didn’t care.
The fine was so low it was moot.
There’s a lawyer who wants an old coot
Of the Court; yearns to fondle his root.
To get into the briefs
Of Supreme Justice chiefs,
An old judge has to first drop his suit.
A musician was wearing a suit
In a style that was really “You beaut”
He started a scandal
Not by how he played Handel
But by how he mishandled his flute.
The prank was to measure to suit
the bridge ‘cross the river (a hoot!)
In October, I hear,
shore-to-shore (plus one ear),
end-to-end lay pledge Oliver Smoot.
Well in two short days Madeleine and I will be celebrating our 35th Wedding Anniversary.
So rather than buy her something expensive I figured I’d write a quick limerick describing how we first met.
(Mostly because I’m a cheap son of a bitch)
It was a late week day night, and I was coming back home from my Wall Street gig,
looking rather dashing in my three piece suit I might add.
Madeleine was returning home from a wind quintet rehearsal, in Manhattan, after spending a full day of law school.
Then she sees me walk by her, on the train, gives me this warm come-hither smile, and well the rest is history.
Now for the limerick:
She smiled at this guy in a suit.
On a Train? Well she thought him quite cute.
He strolled by, what a shame,
Then returned, asked her name,
As he started his avid pursuit.
The proctologist settled a suit
With damages hard to compute.
The plaintiff asserted
His doctor converted
The smell of his former sweet toot.
A fellow was wearing a suit
got off the plane after 60 hours en route
happy to be home again
all the way from Afghanistan
kissed the ground, called Mom and to his flag gave a salute
A tribute:
When Sendak’s Max donned his wolf suit,
The Wild Things declared, “You’re a brute.”
He ranted and roared.
Then back home he soared
To a piping hot meal and some fruit.
A gal bought a new Chanel suit
And in it she looked very cute
Til people noticed she
Didn’t wear hosiery
And had different shoes on each foot.
A man who was large and hirsute
Was nevertheless not a brute.
Though he was so hairy
His loving wife Mary
Would often describe him as “cute”.
A man all dressed up in a suit
Caught the train for his morning commute.
His outfit, so formal,
Was looked on as normal
By others who took the same route.
A cute guy was hit with a suit.
The baby was equally cute.
The mom, he’d been dating
But, recalculating,
The timing just did not compute.
… For my granddaughter …
A girl in a gymnastics suit
Performs her routines, looking cute.
She loves to compete
At an out-of-town meet
But the best is the free bag of loot.
A man who was wearing a suit
Fled his wedding with coppers en route.
As he told the town jailer,
He gave lip to his tailor:
He’d said “Birthday!” but should have stayed mute.
Quite impressed with her birthday suit,
Liz said, “Wow! Am I really cute.
A nice rounded butt,
And no sign of a gut,
And, oh boy, these tits are a toot.”
The Prostitute Prosecutes
A woman was filing a suit,
A working girl who’d prosecute
A John who owed
For parts that she showed,
Then leaving her irresolute.
*************************************************
A woman was filing a suit-ey,
She thought she being a cut-ey
With guys who were shy
She’d open their fly
And pull out their rooty-kazooty.
Then this women demanded her boot-ey
Which the men would try to disput-ey,
But she had an attorney,
Their buns he would burn-ey
if they didn’t pay off absolutel-ey.
Randy Mazie @ thewritersvillage.wordpress.com
A fellow was hit by a suit
And though he was quite resolute
Off to a good start
His case fell apart
When he called the judge an old coot
A woman was filing a suit
To get from a fellow some loot.
“He diddled me silly
And sired a filly”
Cried he” I didn’t give a shoot”
A fellow, while shedding his suit,
Asked a woman of some ill repute:
“Have you consternation,
For your reputation?”
She said: “Uh, it’s hard to refute.”
Said the man who thought he would suit
Miss Polly, a gal with much loot,
“My loins – on fire –
I’m filled with desire.”
Said she, “Make a move and I’ll shoot.”
Now young Mark Kane wearing a suit
Made a move which was very astute
And that orchestral chick
Did not give him the flick
As they stepped on the train to commute.
A woman who purchased a suit
by Givenchy, ‘because it was cute’
soon discovered she erred
when her ‘best’ friend declared,
“Mine’s a few sizes smaller, to boot!”
A fellow who filed a suit
went to court to pursue a dispute
over property rights
re air space and plane flights,
but the case didn’t fly. It was moot.
A fellow who wore a new suit
was upset that he had to commute
via subway: A chap
who smelled bad held the strap
next to his for the whole F-train route.
A fellow was wearing a suit
And he went to give a toot
His suit was white
Now in the light
It is as brown as his boot
A fellow was filing a suit
‘Gainst a neighbor for playing his flute
Much too loud and too long
And he HATED that song!
“Can’t the guy at the least use a mute?!”
A student was wearing a suit
For her first teaching stint: substitute
At a poor city school
Where torn jeans were the rule.
When they spied her, they started to hoot.
She was dressed in her best birthday suit
To give her sad lover the boot.
“If you think you’ll do better
I’ll gladly unfetter.
I thought you were much astute”
A woman was filing a suit
To clean out her husband of loot;
In birthday suit found
A mistress wrapped round,
He’d earned that she put in the boot!
A Scotsman was wearing a suit
As an absolute route to look cute –
But the kilt plopped on top
Was a bit of a flop;
“Och, laddie, wha’ ARE ye aboot?”
A knight in a well-armored suit
Was plagued by an itch in his boot.
His helmet he lifted
As sideways he drifted,
Lost balance and fell on his snoot.
That white-headed guy in the suit
Is a mover-and-shaker named Newt.
“Family values!” he sang
While his mistress he’d bang.
Tell me, what’s the reverse of astute?
Caught by the Suit
by M. J. Joachim
A fellow was hit by a suit
He dodged, and it wasn’t cute
The suit kicked his ass
Fines and jail not to pass
For all of his new stolen loot
She rented a skydiving suit
And strapped on her first parachute.
She landed okay
In a field full of hay
After many tense moments enroute.
A park ranger dressed in his suit
Had a barn owl who he had named Hoot.
Nevermore was his crow
And his mule was named Tow.
Oh, and Gingrich the name of his newt.
She entered the barracks sans suit,
A lady of sexy repute.
With rapid ascension,
They came to attention;
Recruits with their firm stiff salute.
A fellow was wearing a suit,
As best man to his buddy Knute.
But the bride changed her plan,
And ran off with our man,
‘Cause, “gaberdine made him
look so darn cute”.
A lassie who wore a tight suit
Laced up one stiletto black boot
She looked for the other
Which she found with lil brother
He was stuffing her boot with a newt
A Frenchman in his sailor suit
With a neat little beret to boot
Went to Paris and Bruges
Notre Dame, Moulin Rouge
Said “I’ll finish when I have seen ‘toute'”.
A lady who wore a tight suit
Went out with a man, quite a brute.
He groped at her cleavage
Then was startled by spillage
Cause he’d come in his clumsy pursuit
The Brown Knight in an armor suit
One time while at war had to toot
His name is what it means
Never should’ve ate beans
Lost the battle to musical fruit
The Great Leveler
No matter the price of the suit;
When that back-talking Maximus (Glute)
Throws its cares to the wind,
Rich and poor are chagrined.
Mighty mouth of the south, I salute.
That woman who out of her suit
With partner as “pissed as a newt”
Although very plucky
Had failed to get lucky
The reason- she wan’t so cute.
A lady who wore a tight suit
Went out with a man, quite a brute
He groped at her cleavage
Which caused him to spillage
His seed in his clumsy pursuit.
SNOW WHITE’S LAMENT
“When Prince Charming was pressing his suit,
He was kind, and attentive, and cute.
Now we’re married, the Prince
Ain’t pressed anything since —
He makes ME do the ironing… the brute!”
My tailor just made me a suit
Of equal parts Spandex and jute.
It’s yellow and green
Striped with aquamarine,
And with bright purple piping, to boot!
Look: I know he’s a guy in a suit,
Who can’t really breathe fire out his snoot.
Yet I still get a thrill
Out of watching Godzilla…
I’m fond of the rubber galoot.
Our limerick rhyme-word is “suit”:
Here’s the worst one — and that’s absolute.
It’s intended in fun,
So I beg: when I’m done,
Would you kindly not hurl rotten fruit?
(ahem)
I’m told that some Hollywood suit
Pitched a biopic: “Hawley and Smoot”.
Smoot never would bend
To the Hollywood trend…
(cough) … but Hawley would.
…………………………………Ain’t THAT a beaut?
That woman who out of her suit
Whose body was rather hirsute
Said “If I’m feeling brave
I’ll have a close shave
And then I will capture that brute”.
A gal rented a space built to suit
Hoping to garner a lot of loot
As a young designer
Not an elder forty-niner
She was hoping to sell, not get the boot!
©JP/davh
She was crowned in a gown, not a suit
To the sound of a cannon salute.
Her son waits his turn
For the throne that he’ll earn,
When his Mummy’s embalmed like King Tut.
Like suitors who never quite suit
Or tutors who seldom will tute,
Though much used for email,
Blogs, pics (male and female)
Computers don’t often compute.
Said the pedant: “It just doesn’t suit
To misuse such a fine word as ‘moot’!
It does not rhyme with ‘mute’
‘cute,’ ‘dispute,’ or ‘impute,’
But with ‘hoot’ ‘toot,’ ‘flute,’ ‘snoot’ and ‘zoot suit!’”
Gareth Hughes now wearing the suit
With a damsel in red hot pursuit
Says “I think she’s too keen
If you know what I mean”
So he puts on his runners to scoot.
I no longer must wear a suit,
Though the one in my closet’s a beaut.
I wore it to work
But my boss was a jerk,
So I went off on him and got the boot.
(Read more of my own political poetry at Newsericks.)
The lawyers are filing a suit
Robot doctors are now in dispute
Machines doing surgery
May commit perjury
Saying “That doesn’t compute”
The sisterhood’s traveling suit
Has ambitions no one’ll refute
So I’d like to conclude
That a first fam’ly feud
Against Jebby would sure be a beaut
A gal rented space fit to suit
The Canuckistan language dispute
Then she rattled a saber
“Your friendliest neighbour
Says ‘eh’ but we don’t say ‘aboot’
A fellow could fill out a suit
From his biceps to butt he was cute
Though the thing that was rare
And made everyone stare
Was the bulge of his low hanging fruit
A fellow was following suit
When forbidden he bit of the fruit
Though it stuck in his throat
He was handed his coat
And his wife was sent packing to boot
Some suitors persistently suit
Minotaurs should be very minute
Come-muters might hum
As they quietly come
And dis puter’s done made from dat pewt
In China Jian Feng filed suit
‘Gainst his bride ‘cuz their baby’s not cute
Seems his beautiful wife
Had gone under the knife
Thus affecting their marriage vows moot
So this New York musician brought suit
‘Cuz a contest was just for the ‘yoot’
‘Course he lost, but the grudge
Filed appeals ‘cuz the judge
“Was too senile to hear the dispute”
My fav’rite Nebraskan filed suit
Against God, with intent to impute
That he caused to transpire
Floods, earthquakes and fire
For his part, the Yahweh was mute
The judge promptly threw out the suit
Saying God had no street or rur’l route
And the bench then observed
Though the lord must be served
“We’ve no viable means of pursuit”
So the plaintiff’s appealing the suit
Says “The grounds for dismissal are moot
We’re subpoena forgoing
Jehovah’s all knowing
We shouldn’t his presence dispute”
Then the high court vacated his suit
Though the brief they reviewed was astute
Now he’s known as the hater
Who sued the Creator
From Oshkosh to Lincoln to Butte
The dude’s done and dusted his suit
Donned a cowboy hat, splashed on the Brut
Grew a moustache and said
From the edge of the bed
How the #bleep# do I pull on this boot
So the dude in the chute and the suit
Gives the crowd a “Yee Haw” and a hoot
Then tightens his dally
And ringward they sally
Like Satan was hot in pursuit
This goes between the last 2 of Steve’s:
The dude in the slick western suit
When he fin’lly crams foot into boot
To Cowtown will speed
And will hit the Stampede
Like a saddle bronc out of the chute.
Ode to 1977
My mother once made me a suit
Of double-knit hounds tooth. Oh, Shoot!
Now the picture of me you might get to see
Cuz my mom really thought it was cute.
In posh-British, suit is “seeute”
And rhymes not with moot but with mute.
But who really cares
And wants to split hairs?
Doesn’t matter as long as it’s cute.
A man who once wore a fine suit
Was nekked, for he lost all his loot
Blown up his nose
And unthinkable woes
Cost him his pink, puckered boot
Thanks so much everyone for another fun week of limericks. This week’s Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Congratulations to the Limerick of the Week Winner, the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award Winner, the Limerick Saga Award Winner and the Honorable Mention Winners: Limerick of the Week 117
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick Rose.