Limerick Ink (Limerick-Off Monday)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 11:59 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:
A fellow with too much red ink…*
or
A woman was trying to ink…*
or
A woman was hoping to ink…*
or
A fellow was purchasing ink…*
*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)
Here’s my limerick:
Limerick Ink
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A woman with too much red ink
Spilled some paint and rushed off to the sink.
But the stains were severe
And removal costs dear.
You might say she was NOT tickled pink.
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Competition Limerick, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Money Verse, Poetry & Prompts, Red Ink, Stains, Stains Humor, Writing Prompts
A woman was hoping to ink,
those places where bodies do stink.
She was at the end of her wits
trying to ink those two pits,
Until she passed out with a lot of strong drink.
A fellow with too much red ink
from his editor, made such a stink
his editor said
if you don’t like red,
write things that won’t make me blush pink!
A fellow with too much red ink
Had shareholders making a stink
He said “Never Fear!
Sales will skyrocket next year!
Our spokesperson then will be Pink!”
If you are purchasing ink
Take heed what graphologists think:
Select blue: you are caring
Write with black — overbearing?
As for green — you should see a shrink!
A woman was purchasing ink
But this action bore truly no link
To writing letter or memo —
‘Twas to take part in a demo
To throw over those who wear mink.
A fellow with too much red ink
Said, “The colour’s too strong, let me think …”
Silver ink was there plenty
He poured in bottles twenty
The result? A grotesque shade of pink.
A fellow was purchasing ink
While under the ‘fluence of drink
To this day the stain lingers
Where it slipped through his fingers
His brain and his hands out of sync!
A fellow with too much red ink
Poured gallons of it down the sink
His mum cried: “You varlet!
You have turned the chrome scarlet!”
She didn’t half kick up a stink …
A fellow with too much red ink
From a quite painful use did not shrink
One tattoo, then another …
Oh, why did he smother
With scarlet his skin — did he think?
When the foreman found too much red ink
In the cupboard, he gave a broad wink,
“I’ll take these bottles home —
They won’t care if they roam!”
But they did, and he’s now in the clink
A chemist was purchasing ink
A straightforward task, one might think
But of ingredients leery
None could answer his query
If the product contained powdered zinc.
A woman was covered with ink
After plying tattooists with drink.
They worked in rotation
Then signed their creation,
On her left buttock, I think.
A fellow was purchasing ink
The coins in his pocket went *chink*
He pulled out a dime
but committed the crime
when he ran without paying, the fink!
As fellow would prenuptials ink,
About married sex life he’d think,
Thus cost of each stand,
Would great costs demand,
And so he withdrew at the brink.
A woman was trying to ink
A deal to put her in pink
The producer no sap
Made her sit on his lap
In return for he gave her a mink.
A fellow was hoping to ink
A deal with a gal outta sync
They lay on the floor
Till she cried out “no more”
“But I will have another mixed drink.”
A woman was trying to ink
A deal with a real rat fink.
She lay on the floor
And he cried out “more, more”
Then he signed with out even a blink.
A gal got a guy to ink
A deal from which he would shrink.
“You know I can please
So no more will I tease.”
Her wink got the ink before he could think.
A fellow with too much red ink
Decided he needed pink
What he got instead
Was a green head
Now he can’t even blink
A woman was hoping to ink
Her memoir, with a laugh and a wink;
With sexual exploits
Both risqué and adroit
And positions that must be in sync.
A fellow with too much red ink
Was currently seeing a shrink
Cos he liked to drink
His ink from the sink
So his piddle would turn a bright pink.
The same guy with all this red ink
Because of his deep seated kink
Maddened his shrink
When he’d piss in his sink
To prove that his piddle was pink
This one is inspired by a true story:
When in love and considering ink
On your buns after having a drink?
Get his name on your ass?
If you’re smart you’ll just pass,
As you pause for a careful rethink.
Now for the story. Madeleine and I were at one of our local bars this past Friday night and I bumped into the woman who washes my hair before I have my hair cut.
Well we chatted a bit and then she proceeded to show us her her new Tat.
It was way cute, a pair of scissors, inked in just behind her left hair and completely hidden unless she had her hair way up, or cut especially short.
Madeleine proceeded to complement the woman on her Tat, but jokingly mentioned that she should be careful about inking in any lover’s name because hell, you just never know, right? How long a relationship might last.
And with that a woman bared her lower lip and revealed a Tat on the inside of her lower lip which read S-T-E-V-E the name of her Ex, and we all had a good laugh.
Fortunately she’s still great friends with her Ex so they can both still laugh about it.
Well that’s what inspired this limerick.
A fellow with too much red ink
On editor had a re-think;
His draft gave to one
With more sense of fun –
The blockbuster proved them in sync!
A fellow was using red ink
When his girl shouted “you’re a real fink”!
He used it as spray
To her greatest dismay
Without even the hint of a blink.
Inspired by Mark’s…
If you’re thinking of getting some ink
walk in, and the artist does stink
then you should beware
he may not take care
to wash his hands in the sink!
A printer who ran out of ink
Decided to put up a stink
He quit graphic arts
Began cutting farts
By the ream with nary a blink
A banker awash in red ink,
Was depressed till he heard the bright “clink”,
Of a martini glass,
Then he thought, this will pass,
As he ordered a second stiff drink.
Some stars will act up for the ink,
Shed clothing, and yell, “Save the Mink!”
Wearing less gets them more
News coverage to score,
As they pose for the press, with a wink.
The goalie who sported some ink
Became a hit down at the rink
fans would often ask
if he’s donning a mask
Or were they scars tattooed in pink?
A woman was hoping to ink
A memoir clad only in mink
Her text became iffy,
Went south in a jiffy,
But, the coat’s not to blame for the stink.
A woman with too much red ink
Decided to mix up a drink
“It’s from ‘Sex In The City’
“But cripes, Is it shitty!
“This Cosmo is worse than you’d think!”
A woman was trying to ink
a love heart while all dressed in mink
She wrote I love Fred
then heard he was dead
And ordered another stiff drink
A guy who was purchasing ink
Gave the buxom cashier a wink.
“We’d make quite a pair,
I’m a man with great flair.”
“Great flair and the mind of a skink.”
In the ‘fifties young playwrights would ink
Gritty plays that would raise a big stink.
Uncensored, uncut,
They had “everything but” –
So the genre is called Kitchen Sink.
My printer has run out of ink
(The turquoise and yellow and pink)
And the black is low too
So the cheap thing to do
Is to buy a new printer, I think.
A fellow with too much red ink
Trying hard to get a direct link
To his accountant
It was just blatant
Never thought his accounts stink
Hank
My fountain pen’s run out of ink,
My VCR’s gone on the blink.
I think one fine day
I’ll just sail away
And pray that my raft doesn’t sink.
Before I commit this to ink
I’ll stop for a moment to think.
Though Facebook has “Edit”,
On Mad’s blog, you’ve said it.
No chance to enhance, should it stink.
A fellow with too much red ink
Added white, and then turned it pink.
An inventive fellow,
Adding blue then, and yellow,
And now he’s back in the black – wow – ka-chink!
********************************************
A fellow with too much red ink
Threw up mucho in the kitchen sink.
Spending all of his cash,
he wound up in the trash,
And now can’t afford a good shrink.
*********************************************
A fellow with too much red ink
Added white, so then it’d turn pink.
When asked: Why? His answer
Was: It’s for breast cancer.
I dye all the ribbons, he’d wink.
A fellow was covered in ink,
A bright red, just as you would think,
Since his ex, Leeza,
Stuck him with the VISA
And ran to the arms of some fink.
A Romanian with too much red ink
Tried mixing some into his drink
He became very tipsy
And assaulted a Gypsy
Now he’s doing some time in the clink
Once just bikers and freaks got the ink.
Now its common, at least that’s what I think.
When young girls by the dozens,
Get their “Tats” with their cousins,
Say good bye to this time honored kink.
An Alcoholic with too much red ink
One day found he’d nothing to drink
So the ink he did swill
When asked, “Are you OK Bill?”
His reply was, “I’m right in the pink.”
A fellow with too much red ink
Thought, “I’ll drain some off down the sink
But it gushed out too quick
Flooding room to his dick
And dyeing the family jewels pink.
A fellow with too much red ink
Tried to get rid of some down the sink
But it blocked up the sewer
Made the air most impure
And caused an unholy stink
A voyeur with too much red ink
Used it to invent a new drink
Mixed it with Brandy
Which made him so randy
He shagged himself right into clink.
DO TELL, MR. BOEHNER
The octopus uses its ink;
The skunk, its incredible stink.
But when *I’m* threatened, I
Soil my trousers and cry —
And it works twice as well as you’d think.
A Congressman garnered much ink
For driving with too much to drink.
Despite hyped-up yammer
Resisting the slammer,
The judge sent him off to the clink.
A giant squid was fresh out of ink
Got angry and spit into the drink
said ‘here’s mud in your eye’
something went quite awry
The Black Sea appeared with a wink
I’m changing my name to “Will, Inc.”
As a corporate person, I think
I can do as I please:
Pay no taxes or fees,
And take dumps in the water you drink.
A limerick written in ink
Requires the writer to think.
If instead, he just scribbles
There’s bound to be quibbles:
Both meter and rhyming will stink.
An ice skater purchased some ink
Mistakenly took a long drink
He spit with a spurt
All over his shirt
And began a new style at the rink
A fellow was trying to ink
A five line poem I think.
He stopped quite short
When he could not retort
Too astutely, his rhymes out of sync.
Tough Times?
A fellow with too much red ink
Knew his business would soon sink
Needed to change his menu
Got a Navy cook with a tattoo
Serving S.O.S. night and day made ‘im rethink…
That it might be better give up
Than to continually sup
On the same thing all the time
Even if folks are waiting in line…
So he thought, crying in his tea cup
He really wanted to make the scene
With delightful French cuisine
Escargot, fine wines and petit fours
Gilded gold accents on the doors
At least his bank account was no longer lean.
©JP/davh
The GOP gets lots of ink
As they try with great effort to link
The prez to a scandal
(A job they can’t handle).
Who’s running this crew? Colonel Klink?
When their child spilled indelible ink
On his wife’s best fur coat, her white mink,
His first thought was, “Oh, brother!
She will shop, buy another.
New bank balance: red ink in a blink!”
a fellow with too much red ink
had an editor who was really a fink
again he’d re-write
stay up all night
this writing thing really did stink
haha
A man with too much red ink
went down to the store in a sink
He glided on in
and red as sin
he said I am thinking I stink
The octopus squirted its ink
And disappeared into the drink.
The predator’s wish
For a cuttlefish dish
Was foiled as quick as a wink.
In Id it’s a crime to own ink
Leading Bung to partake in drink
The Lone Harangur
Met royal hanger
When in print said the King is a fink!
I read this for dVerse…and love it. I am still having my own problems with writing limericks, but enjoy yours and the posts here.
Thank you for much joy in reading,
Peace
Siggi
A fellow with two much red ink,
found his comments had faded to pink.
The paper’s he graded,
were all over-rated.
His patience was pushed to the brink.
(I give myself a B-)
Instead of using the ink
from my favorite pen, now I think
I’ll use Google Drive
To keep poems alive.
It saves them all, quick as a wink!
a fellow was purchasing ink
to dispose of thoughts he did think
to most he was a joke
and feared he may go broke
but it was cheaper than paying a shrink
thank you K…a little levity DOES go a long way
A woman with too much red ink
across her bare rumpus distinct
was found jogging outside
showing off her bare hide
Inked hiney read: Bite me, you fink.
***
A woman with too much red ink
Tattooed on her rumpus distinct
Pumped them with a wiggle
A squiggle, a jiggle
Which made most men come in a blink.
Oops, there’s supposed to be a space between those two.
Note from Mad Kane: I fixed it for you.
A woman who wanted to think
About limerick rhymes in ink
Had help from her cat
Who sat down with a splat
And occupied ipad in a blink…
(True story)
A woman flowing red ink
Found a vampire to lap at her pink
With coochie quite hoochie
He gave her French’d smoochie
Bloodied Mary his most favorite drink
A fellow who fell in red ink
Was wracking his brain just to think
He begged me, “Prey tell!”
“What can I sell?”
“Still keeping my sink…and my shrink!”
A fellow tattooed in black ink
Was lacking in color, I think
Proving my blunder
He shows his down under
As rainbows burst from his stink
Writing this from my store of red ink
Cos I’ve lost my Blue Biro I think!
I just can’t be sure
Now I’ve turned 84
If with Alzheimer’s I’m on the brink
A cartridge who can’t release ink
Says “Help bring me back from the brink!
I’ve not been used daily,
My nozzles are scaly,
Please give me a bath in the sink.”
(Apparently this works, or so I’m told)
A woman with too much red ink
Gave her pussy a colourful drink
A girl who’d do that
To a poor little cat
Must surely I’d say have a kink
An agent was trying to ink
Cartoon character; said, “I do think
That you probably knew
To sign Pepe Le Pew
Would, of course, raise a really big stink.
A poultry man with too much red ink
Used it to paint his cock pink
When the hens saw their rooster
Didn’t look like he used ter
His love life went right down the sink.
An Alcoholic with too much red ink
Died trying it out as a drink
They said at the Mortuary
Due to his debauchery
His old feller had turned vivid pink.
What I’ve learned: Better get it in ink
When your coworker gives you the wink,
And says he will cover
Your tryst with your lover —
Nine times out of ten, he’s a fink.
There once was a substance called ink
Connecting all people who think.
A keyboard will never
In any way sever
My bond with that non-hyper link.
There’s something so earthy in ink;
Like water, without it we’d sink.
“As in drowning in sand?”
Her snide editor panned.
(I’ll be back when I work out that kink.)
By now, if you’re reading my ink,
You’re thinking, “this gal needs a shrink.”
But no need to cure me —
The voices assure me
My grey matter’s still in the pink!
Republicans like to get ink.
Their favorite way? Make a stink.
But the louder they yell
The more fear we can smell:
That ole rinky-dink ship gonna sink.
I devoted today’s bit of ink
To that well-endowed, trash-tweeting fink
Who, OK, likes to sext,
But maintains he’s the next
Mayor Koch (squeeze an “r” in, wink, wink).
I take up pen, paper and ink
(well, keyboard) — our Sue made me think
The would-be star, in despair
Thought his name was so square
And with showbiz pizzazz out of sync!
However, we can’t lay the blame
On Gerry for his change of name
I point out, for veracity
His was not the audacity
To make such a bold bid for fame
Gordon Mills, who then managed the singer
(And Mills was a total humdinger!)
Helped his kids one night settle
With Hansel & Gretel
While thinking of Gerry, pop swinger
It occurred to the man in a blink
That from story to op’ra the link
Was composer German
Whose name wasn’t Herman!
But Engelbert — (Prof. Humperdinck)
The agent then yelled out “Whoopee!”
Acted fast to no common degree
He at once, if not sooner
Rang the struggling crooner
And “Guess your new name!” said, with glee
Our German friends — tubs they did thump!
Thought this re-brand the act of a chump!
They raised Sturm und Drang
With Teutonic harangue
It’s fair to say they’d got the “Hump”!
This was not Gordon Mills’s sole crime
Ray O’Sullivan’s name changed quick time
So when I tell a man
I’m a G&S fan
“Oh yes,” he’ll say, “Clair was sublime!”
I shudder at men who use ink,
They risk ruin and live on the brink.
Placing all fears aside,
And with dangers denied,
They do crosswords. Why what did you think?
Since Tim James brought up another oldie but goodie, I thought we should have a limerick homage:
For Hogan invisible ink
Was the best way to fool Colonel Klink.
Herr Klink was suspicious
LeBeau meritricious
And Shultzy of course knew nuffink!
The scribe was all covered in ink
and his eyes looked a little too pink.
He said, “It’s a phase,
I have been up for days!
I am going to sleep now, I think.”
The owner of Zany Pets, Inc.
Drove all of her neighbors to drink.
When they came to complain
‘Bout the skunk in the lane,
They ended up raising a skink.
The owner of Zany Pets, Inc.
Knocked over her pot of red ink.
When she cleaned up the mess,
As I’m sure you can guess,
It’s not just the pigs who were pink.
The owner of Zany Pets, Inc.
Having turned all her animals pink,
Had to dye the birds blue,
Give the cow to the zoo,
And take the pink mink to the shrink.
Farewell to the rhyming word “ink.”
At midnight, with spirits in sync,
By some dark force propelled,
Our collective breath held,
We will meet up at sanity’s brink.
And we’ll say, “That’s a fine lot of ink”
Or “Those inklings grow up in a wink.”
Then clutching our word,
More faintly: “That turd,
Number one, thinks his shit doesn’t stink.”
Thanks so much everyone for another fun week of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Congratulations to the Limerick of the Week Winner, the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award Winner, and the Honorable Mention Winners:
Limerick of the Week 115.
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick Ills.
A fellow who stole some red ink
By the case down an alley did shrink.
But, some bottles were leaking
And he couldn’t help shrieking
Caught red handed he sits in the clink.