Ill-Bred Limerick (Limerick-Off Monday)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 11:59 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:
A man who was rather ill-bred…*
or
A gal who was rather ill-bred…*
or
A fellow who liked to bake bread…*
or
A woman who liked to bake bread…*
*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)
Here’s my limerick:
Ill-Bred Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A man who was rather ill-bred
Often hogged nearly all of the bed.
Then he’d flare up with pique
At his wife (who was meek)
When she noisily fell on her head.
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bad Behavior, Beds Limerick, Competition Limerick, Husband Humor, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Marriage Humor, Poetry & Prompts, Writing Prompts
A woman who liked to bake bread
Had a thought to improve life in bed!
So her husband, she greased
With some leftover yeast —
But she got an infection, instead.
(Yuck. There’s nothing in the rules that says it has to be “pretty”…)
A fellow who liked to bake bread
Was filled with despair in his head
Too many orders he took
Without enough ovens to cook
All the Easter treats for customers live and Undead
A gal who was rather ill-bred
sought lesson, since she was unread.
So with rain found in Spain
she became more urbane
‘though the song is still stuck in her head.
A man who was rather ill-bred
never left words uncivil unsaid.
When he died, no one mourned.
Still, someone had adorned
his tombstone with (expletive deleted) in red.
A man who was rather ill-bred
got stuck in his old Murphy bed.
‘Though he cussed and he swore
his wife chose to ignore
him, and went off to high tea instead.
A man who was rather ill bred
Disgustingly gorged when he fed;
At a restaurant, five star,
Flattened all caviar –
‘-A bill’ he got was quite ‘incred-’!
A fellow who liked to bake bread
Was henpecked, and frequently said,
‘I do need to knead,
Replacing the deed
Of squishing my dear wife instead!’
A gal who was rather ill-bred
Gave a toot on her horn as she said
I’ve come honest to blarney
Born of Rufus and Marney
When measles took them both to their bed
It’s the mark of a person ill-bred
Not to sample what one has been fed.
But the hostess brought out
Cheesy Chocolate Trout,
So I threw down my napkin and fled.
A man took some leftover bread,
And his neighborhood pigeons he fed.
But the pigeons, they just
Looked at him in disgust:
“No thanks. We’re on Atkins,” they said.
It’s the mark of a person ill-bred
To slurp soup from a bowl (it’s been said).
Though there isn’t a law
Against using a straw,
I eat soup with my fingers instead.
A gal who was rather ill-bred
For some reason likes to bake bread
Rolls dough ‘tween her fingers
Has dreams while it lingers
Then sticks in the oven instead.
A gal who liked to bake bread
On which she always would spread
A gob of cream cheese
For her fellows to please
One bite would bring things to a head.
A man who was rather ill-bred
Had a fetish for gals who baked bread
With fantasies wild
The gals always smiled
As he fed them the bread while in bed.
A fellow who liked to bake bread
One day simply dropped dead
He offended his gal
By going out with a pal
At least rat poison beats off with his head
A woman who liked to bake bread
Went to the office instead
But all she could think of
Was kneading dough
So she could have cakes galore to show.
When a John was fresh out of bread
With hookers he lost his street cred
Had no jam for his PB
Or a slice for a freebie
KY came in handy instead
A woman who struggled to bake bread
Hoped that would change once she wed
She had all new supplies
But the dough wouldn’t rise
So she stocked up at Costco instead.
A man who was rather ill-bred
Decided to stand on his head.
But alack and alas
He just fell on his ass
He should have, I think, stood in bed.
A man who was rather ill-bred
Decided he better re-sked.
He did say two-thirty
(This pun isn’t purty)
Meant saying “tooth-hurty” instead.
A woman who liked to bake bread,
tried rising her husband instead.
Her oven was warm.
She took him by storm.
Twice kneaded she left him for dead.
A fellow who liked to bake bread
Made a muffin that went straight to his head
It filled him with bliss
Cause he added cannabis
So he layed around all day listening to the Dead.
A man who was rather ill bred
Said, Damn it, it’s Easter, he said.
I know I’m repeating.
This poem’s self-defeating
But I said what I said. Sign me Ed.
A fellow who’d sworn off the bread,
And pizza, for eight days, pure dread!
Was he going to heaven?
Well he’s not eating leaven,
Just matzoh with butter instead.
Said a man who was rather ill bred
“Damn kosher, I have to be fed!
I don’t give a damn
If it’s pork or it’s ham.”
But the Curses of Ham got him dead.
Said a man who was rather ill bred
“Excuse me for what I just said.
It seems, Ma’am, that you,
Self-defined Parve venue
Have gone where I dare not to tread.
This woman was clearly well bred,
From her manner, and things that she said.
But he put that aside,
When it came to their ride,
A thoroughbred ready to spread.
A family whose kids were inbred
Sat their son down one evening and said:
“We think incest is fine
But we must draw the line –
Since that cousin yer boinkin’ is dead.”
Two cannibals sat to break bread.
The host turned to the other and said:
“What dish shall I pass?
Like a nice piece of ass?”
“Not just now, thanks, just give me some head.”
A guy from the States, not ill-bred,
To a person from Canada said:
If you must pronounce Zee
Like it’s spelt Z-E-D
Then why not say “A Bed Ced Ded…?”
Some kids who were rather ill-bred
Refused on a snow-slope to tread.
“Walk downhill on snow?
It’s so boring and slow!”
So instead down they sped on a sled.
A woman who liked to bake bread
Had planned all her baking ahead.
On Sat., Mon. and Tues.
She’d flatly refuse,
Just baked on Thurs., Fri., Sun. and Wed.
A man who was rather ill-bred
Went down to the gym for Phys Ed.
He looked at some pinups
While doing his chinups
And pushups, then went home to bed.
It’s butter I put on my bread,
Not that “buttery” substitute spread.
I’d rather die young
Than subject my poor tongue
To such nonsense. I’m going well-fed.
Dear Moms: it’s a habit ill-bred
To disparage the girl your son wed.
Please don’t mention her weight,
Or her tentacles eight,
Or her spooky additional head.
A baker I met buying bread
Must love how I treat him in bed.
Has “Fredrico Fellini”
Tattooed on his weenie
But his wife thinks it only says Fred.
When a cat with an antelope’s bred
Mother Nature is turned on her head
The mad scientist’s hope:
To achieve cantaloupe
And the full 18 minutes on TED
A man who was rather ill-bred
put ‘way too much jam on his bread
it fell onto his shirt
and he really was hurt
when his wife said, “Now behave, Ned!”
A couple who like to eat bread
But honored Passover instead
Without any yeast, sir
They still enjoyed Easter
And crossed their hot buns in the bed.
They woke up their roommate ill-bred:
“Get up! Carpe diem!” they said.
He replied, “Carpe NOCTEM…”
Rolled over, and shocked ’em:
Their girlfriends were with him in bed!
Here’s a macabre bit of history:
There’s a man from Wisconsin, ill-bred,
Named Gein… was it Albert? No: Ed.
In no-one confiding,
He went into hiding…
(The *hides* were piled up in his shed).
Joe Baguette is a loafer, ill-bred;
He can’t earn enough dough to stay fed.
His family knows
Why Baguette never rose:
“‘Twas his Sourdough Mother,” they said.
A BLESSING IN DISGUISE
Ill-bred was a man from Chicago,
not meant to be like solidago.
But fail did his parents
in making adherence.
They gave him the birth name Diego.
From a Jew who was rather ill-bred:
“Kosher lim’rick? A winner!” he said.
But he fell on his keister —
On waking, ’twas Easter.
He pigged out on choc’late instead.
A guy who was rather ill-bred,
Wore his boots and his spurs into bed.
The girl said “To ride me
You should curl up beside me
And whisper sweet nothings instead.”
A fellow who liked to bake bread
Was suddenly filled with great dread
His wife’s yeast infection
Cause great circumspection
Now he uses self-rising instead
Sounds like my house!
At Passover, unleavened bread
From Israel is better, they said.
True: the stamps make a treat
When you break down and eat
The box it was shipped in instead.
(True story:)
I once tried to feed my dog matzoh…
I said, “Try these new biscuits! You’ll platzoh!”
But my dog said, “You’ve gatzoh
Be kidding: it’s matzoh!
To nosh on, this stuff’s not so hatzoh.”
A redneck who was born in-bred
Thought granny was his ma instead
his dad was his brother
and sister his mother
Two siblings that shared in abed
A man who was rather ill-bred,
Lived with one insurmountable dread:
That the lim’ricks he’d write,
Would be seen as too trite,
And thus ruin his hard-won street-cred.
I know a mechanic, ill-bred,
Who from enraged wife swiftly fled.
She’d found someone’s lipstick,
All over his dipstick.
My guess? The man’s as good as dead.
I’ve heard dragging your feet is inbred…
And I’ll someday confirm it — that said,
Let me pause to profess
I’d procrastinate less
Had my folks not been pokey in bed.
Do lim’ricks attract the ill-bred?
I can only infer from Craig’s spread:
If your reader can’t chew it
tattoo it or screw it,
Forget it, you ain’t got no cred.
Flo’s diner ran out of cornbread
When a burglar took it and fled
turns out he had all thumbs
always stealing for crumbs
A trail to trial it led
One of cannibals munching on bread
Who went for the ass then the head
Said “If I had my pick
I would go for the dick”
(Or that’s what they told me was said.)
A girl who enjoyed baking bread
Filled it with pellets of lead
And if you ate it hot
Many people got shot
And sadly they ended up dead.
A girl who was very ill-bred
Tried to prove she was not easily led
At Fred’s School of Charm
She kept out of harm
And walked with a book on her head.
Dear Sue: In the U.S. we’re bred
To say ‘zee’ where all others say ‘zed’:
“A-Bed-Ced” is absurd,
Or our hymn would be heard
At the ball game: “Oh, say, can you said?”
— or, to take it to my usual ridiculous extremes: —
On the night that young Ded-Ded was wee,
Shed looked at her husband and see,
“All night I’ll be fred;
If you’re looking for med,
I’m gonna bed up in our bee!”
A woman who liked to bake bread
Used a machine to knead it instead
Of her hands she’d protect
So the guys they’d respect
More how she’d make them rise in her bed!
©JP/davh
Friends had said my guy, Ted, was ill-bred.
Filled with dread, they had pled, “Please don’t wed!”
But it’s fate that we mate—
That first date was so great—
The way Ted gave me head broke the bed.
THE BAKE AISLE OF INNISFREE
A man who was trying to bake bread
‘Yeats’ for ‘yeast’ in the recipe read.
To his awe and surprise,
The dough did arise
And go now. (He made Pound cake instead.)
A man who was rather ill-bred
and also was rather ill-fed
one day up and died,
his wife at his side:
the fellow was also ill-wed.
A lady considered ill-bred
Was forced by her folk to wear red
A big Scarlet “A”
Coz she hit the hay
Or was it nat whore-thorne instead?
A girl who was very ill-bred
Was simply amazing in bed
She gave them orgasms
All manner of spasms
Documented in “Fifty Shades of Red”.
A man who was rather ill-bred
Did all his conceiving in bed.
A few that were cursed
Met life there feet first
But most of them came out a head.
The lumberjack was rather ill-bred
Harvested trees with a dull axe head
his output was lacking
from much wasted hacking
His clients are now stuck with Con-Ed
a man who was rather ill bred
used to scheme all the girls to his bed
he’d work the charm
and shuffle them off at the alarm
which was all well and good in his head.
a fellow who liked to bake bread
was usually getting quite mad
when it burned down to coal
tastes like his old shoe soles
and this made him feel oh so sad
A man who was rather ill-bred,
All scruffy and much too well fed,
Would scream, belch and curse
And write tasteless verse.
And Tom was his name, so they’ve said.
Wonderful and funny! Bravo!
The young man was rather ill-bred
And not especially well-read
Still, he knew better
The instant he met her
–He shouldn’t eat garlic in bed.
A couple who liked to eat bread
But honored Passover instead
Without any yeast, sir
They still enjoyed Easter
By crossing hot buns in the bed.
A fellow who loved to bake bread
Preferred dough to flesh, it is said
When he makes a quick pass
At your glutenous mass
Just a pinch should keep him well fed.
A man who stood up to break bread
Was feeding 5000 he said
With 5 loaves and 2 fishes
He filled all their dishes
And I heard that they all were well fed.
A man who was rather ill-bred
was always requesting head
Cause his bride would go south
with no teeth in her mouth
It’s no wonder they long ago wed.
A fellow who liked to bake bread
Saw dollar signs dance in his head.
“My angst has increased,
Lo! Wonder’s deceased,
My plan didn’t pan out,” he said.
A cat who was rather ill-bred
Licked his privates while lying in bed.
But the smell of his pee
When he came to lick me
Nearly led to that kitty’s bloodshed.
A man who was rather ill-bred
wore his nasty old socks to bed.
The smell and the stench
quite offended the wench;
she rather preferred him dead.
A fellow who liked to bake bread
was sure of himself when he said,
“You want me to switch.
Forget it, you bitch.
I’m sticking with baking instead.
A gal who was very well-bred
(But excessively.) One day she said,
“Please don’t talk family, food
Or the health of your brood!
Can’t we contemplate Plato instead?!”
Some people lived mostly on bread
And much of the time went unfed.
They appealed to ‘la reine’
To help with their pain,
All she told them was, eat cake instead.
I went to the Safeway for bread
It made sense what Marie A. had said!
The pound cake cost less
Than a loaf, so I guess…
No more toast, I’ll make trifle instead.
A man had a fetish for bread
Fresh baked from the oven, unspread.
In a frenzy of lust
He’d munch through the crust.
(The ‘crumb’ line is best left unsaid.)
If a cousin to wed is ill-bred
Consider the royals – I’ve read
Most married their cousins
Of which there were dozens,
For the others, divorce lay ahead.
You can call me ill-bred or inbred,
My great-grans were sisters, it’s said.
I’m missing one set
Of great-great grandfolks, yet
There’s not a lot wrong with that round thing on top of my shoulders.
Now Sue D is very well-bred
Not so much as a hole in her head
And in these hard times
Her humorous rhymes
Will cause me to get out of bed.
Seems this guy who was paid to bake bread
Was soon found to be scamming instead.
The boss yelled, “You’re a fake!
You don’t know how to bake.”
“But I needed the dough,” the guy pled.
An actor who wasn’t well bred
Regarded himself as drop-dead
Gorgeous, that is
As they say in the biz.
Said his “fans,” “That’s your cue, knuckle head!”
“At the risk you may think I’m ill-bred,
I’m a trifle attached to my head.”
Says no zombie ever
As sword swings to sever
Its skull in the show Walking Dead.
Those mamas who cook and bake bread
Fill the rest of us mothers with dread.
Between ruining minds
And spanking behinds
Where’s the time left for keeping them fed?
Steve is back! Let’s put all our ill-bred
And ill-mannered verse banter to bed.
Rejoice and give thanks;
Save your premium pranks
Cuz our best lim’rick days are ahead!
What’s the matter? What’s wrong with inbred?
I’ve a cousin who’s gorgeous (drop-dead).
Enjoy fam’ly, they say;
Tell me, what better way
Than to relish relations in bed?
A man who was rather ill bred
The one that Sue Dulley calls Ed
Sounds very confused. A
Good poet for Tuesday
But not for Thurs, Fri, Sat or Wed.
The limerick sobbed “I’m ill-bred,
Not a serious thought in my head
Casanovas and tarts
And obscene body parts
I wonder what Shakespeare’d have said?”
A man who was rather ill bred
To his cousin was heard to have said
“Let me dip, smoke and chew
Swear a streak Navy blue,
And I’ll bathe every time that we wed”
A woman who liked to bake bread
Met a pottery artist named Ted
Now he butters her rolls
And she fondles his bowls
While his kiln and her oven glow red
They cooked up a loaf of in-bred
And all of the relatives said
We can’t abide dangers
From lettin’ in strangers
But look at the size of it s head !
In Moonstruck the movie, the bread
Is baked by Nick Cage, who would bed
The lovely Loretta
(He’s only just met her)
– His brother, she’s planning to wed.
Loretta, who’s acted by Cher,
Gets a makeover, new dress and hair,
They go to the Met
On a date, and they get
To see her unfaithful Pa there.
Her fiance comes back from his trip,
It’s scary until he lets slip
His momma’s all better,
He won’t need Loretta
To marry, to save her – Hip hip!
It all turns out fine – Cher weds Nick
(I hope I’m not making you sick?
I left out a lot
Of details of the plot) –
Just an old-fashioned fairy-tale flick.
A movie reviewer, well-bred,
Judged films with his heart and his head.
I can’t help but frown
With both thumbs pointed down
Since I heard Roger Ebert was dead.
That girl who was rather ill-bred
With panties adorning her head
Asked “My style make you smile?”
“You are out by a mile
It’s very confusing.” he said.
A dictator rather ill-bred
Who liked shaving the sides of his head
Found his late daddy’s bomb
Tried to lob it at Guam
And left half a peninsula dead
A man who was rather ill-bred
kept hogging for space in the bed.
By elbowing ribs,
he insured his dibs
and that he would remain unwed.
A guy who was rather ill-bred,
Thought naught of not washing his head
Nor the rest of him, either–
We all needed a breather!
So we sent him to stink up the shed.
The pup, being rather ill-bred,
Jumped all over the older dog’s head
Not respecting others’ pedigree
Nor even his own perigee
He landed on his own head instead.
If this doesn’t sound too ill-bred,
This addict is thinking ahead.
I can’t wait to see
What the next Word will be –
At midnight I won’t be in bed.
Awards, though they don’t include bread
Or laurels to wear round one’s head,
May give me a thrill
But a better prize still
Is Mad’s newest Lim’rick-off spread.
A man who was rather ill-bred
Hated poems by guys who were dead,
But considered it fun
If Lit 101
Did limerick-writing instead.
A man who was rather ill-bred
Acknowledged, while rubbing his head:
“Though to me, your position
Invited coition,
It’s possible that I misread.”
A gal who was rather ill-bred
Remarked to her young neighbor, Ned:
“If I were refined,
I’m sure I would mind
Your trying to get me to bed.”
A man who was rather ill-bred
Attended a Talk a la TED:
“It was done by a guy
Who was probably high,
And the concept was over my head.”
A man who was rather ill-bred
Appeared on the TV and said:
“To squeeze out the sort
Who like to go short,
I’ll corner the market instead.”
A man who was rather ill-bred
Had a look in the mirror and said:
“Gor blimey, it galls
That the ‘air on me balls
Is more than the ‘air on me ‘ead.”
A man who was rather ill-bred
Was constantly scratching his head:
“It exhibits more class
Than scratching my ass
While watching Jay Leno in bed.”
A man who was rather ill bred
Was noted for wetting the bed.
At first it was piss
Later on it was this
Which was semen-ly better instead.
SURPRISE
A woman who liked to bake bread
used sugar to make it instead
of wheat, as she noticed
her man the remotest
idea had not she would knock dead.
THAT ORGASM
A limerick writer, ill-bred,
made bawdry of being in bed.
He thought he was funny
but wasted his money
by showing what fucked him instead.
A woman who loved to bake bread
Had withdrawals the day she was wed.
Her new husband was plump
With a large doughy rump.
All night he was kneaded in bed.
Mr Shakespeare, considered well-bred,
Could talk dirty too — take him to bed
As a tool; read up guys,
Between “quivering thigh[s]”
Many men’s “manly marrow” hath sped.
A man who was rather ill bred,
Burped and farted all night when in bed.
His poor wife quite aghast,
Ignited the blast.
Now he orbits ’round Venus instead.
A fellow who tried to make bread
The bit about rising mis-read
Though the waiting was tough
He sat on his dough
And wound up with matzoh instead
Willy Shakespeare very well bred
Always had “Love” in his head
If Music’s the food
It would not be too rude
To play me your flute while in bed.
A man who was very ill bred
Quoted Shakespeare, from A until Zed.
OOOO that Shakespearean rag
Soon became on long drag.
Oh, to be or not to be dead.
Thanks so much everyone for your fun limericks! This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Congratulations to the Limerick of the Week Winner, the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award Winner, and the Honorable Mention Winners: Limerick of the Week 108
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick Stack
I was pre-setting blog posts for the April A-Z Challenge, so this one went up late.
J is for Jerks