Reading Limericks (Limerick-Off Monday)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 11:59 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:
A woman was trying to read…*
or
A fellow was trying to read…*
*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)
Here’s my limerick:
Reading Limericks
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A woman was trying to read
The very fine print on a screed,
But the words were a blur.
Seems her eyeglasses were
Way to weak, cuz of eyes gone to seed.
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Competition Limerick, Eyeglasses Verse, Eyesight Humor, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Poetry & Prompts, Reading Humor, Vision Humor, Writing Prompts
I’ve got a spooky one right here!
A Flower Bed?
A fellow was trying to read
Instructions for planting his seed
In a place I can’t name
(Due to blushing or shame?)
He sighed and proceeded to weed
His yard since the writing had faded,
And those needs now seemed somewhat degraded.
Just then, Daisy and Rose
(With no hose ‘neath their clothes)
Strolled by: distant neighbors who traded
Their favors as flow’rs of the night,
And today were a most welcome sight.
“Ladies, I’ve got the tools
But I can’t follow rules:
Is a two-for-one special alright?”
They glanced at each other, then back,
And surmised that there wasn’t much slack
In his jeans front. Well, hey,
It had been a slow day;
They grinned, and all three hit the rack.
A woman was trying to read
A new recipe Hubby’d decreed.
“You’d think he would know
I don’t like working dough,
And that’s surely not all that I knead.”
A fellow was trying to read
How to play a new game “Cars at Speed!”
But a few mere tokes later
His ac-celerator
Got stuck, and he Whoopsie!d on Whee!d.
2AM. I just happened to read
Of St. Patty and Sue Dulley’s need.
But here in my home,
I don’t fancy a pome,
We had corned beef and cabbage, indeed!
On Face Book I hurried to read
these limericks so funny indeed,
I’ve laughed ’til I cried
and ached in the side,
and once in my PJs, I peed.
ERROR
An old fellow was trying to read
the fine print on a bag of birdseed,
but the bag was so wrinkled
and his eyesight so crinkled
that he used it as yeast to make mead.
The obit that I want them to read
At my wake is the following screed:
“Drink a toast to the lad
Whose last limerick Mad
Anointed the best of the breed”
Paul Krugman was trying to read
The Republican budget; but he’d
Found so many mistakes
That it gave him the shakes,
And his eyeballs were starting to bleed.
A farmer was trying to read
about how to get chickens to breed:
The book said: “Low light,
Some white wine, Barry White…
Really: what more would anyone need?”
A woman was trying to read
On the different ways to breed
Her husband was lacking
Or at least slacking
So she hired out for the deed
Clarinetists unable to reed
What’s written on score may impede
The concert. They’ll blow it
But although they know it
They can’t produce all notes they need
A two fer, since I missed last week..
A fellow was trying to read
His wife had another need
He let off flipping pages
foregoing those sages
And let his wife continue to knead…
A woman was trying to read
Of men she had no longer had a need
Well into into her years
Into her nineties my dears
Romance novels, her dreams they did seed
A user was trying to read
The license that he has agreed.
At page forty five
He got half alive,
But his legal claim failed to succeed.
a fellow was trying to read
but his wife his shoulder did kneed
until he relaxed
and off came the slacks
to take care of her every need
oh my, where did that come from…haha…
A woman was trying to read
The mind of a guy she would need.
She had to get paid
If he hoped to get laid
On the money they hardly agreed.
A fellow was trying to read
While snacking on junk at light speed.
His face was so bloated
With cheeks that were coated.
The crumbs to a horse he could feed.
A woman was trying to read
How to win friends and maybe succeed
In finding a buddy
Carnegie’s book was the study
Of how easy it was to proceed.
A man was trying to read
messages from a force unseen
between the lines
he was doing fine
but words could not serve his need
St. Paddy liked to party, even when he was tardy
he’d tip a few then sing loud and hearty
with limericks his sham rocks
so, once a year we all stop
dance a jig, take a swig, and kiss the blarney
A fellow was trying to read
A novel to satisfy his need
He didn’t fancy
It’s a bit queasy
Would be happier to just sleep
Hank
A woman was trying to read
the lord’s blessing and final creed
but her fellow had plans
he had wild roaming hands
she went for a ride on her steed.
Whenever I’m trying to read
My limericks, I must concede:
To make happy Mad
I have to get mad
And let all that madness exceed!
In the book she was trying to read
They were always off Doing the Deed…
How she wished that the lover
Adorning the cover
Would carry her off on his steed!
TRUE HEADLINE, 3/12/13: VATICAN OWNS GAY NIGHT CLUB*
The Bishop was trying to read
The words of the Catholic Creed.
But the words “unum Deum”.
Came out, “Iam Gayum” —
A stunning confession indeed.
——-
(*It’s a terrible start for Pope Francis,
For the press is demanding some ancis…
Does he get in half-price?
Is the bartender nice?
Does he wear his red shoes when he dancis?)
A fellow was trying to read
All the blogs on his aggregate feed,
‘Til he finally shrugged
And completely unplugged…
How he savors the time that it’s freed!
My puppy succeeded to read
The scent of our prey with such speed
That the hunt was soon through…
But, pray, what does one do
With an elephant once it’s been treed?
Once, In Coventry
A woman was trying to read
whilst riding atop of a steed.
The town was admonished
to not look astonished.
No NEW tax, if they all agreed.
So the town folk averted their eyes
and king got the word from his spies:
“She was reading a book.
Not one soul took a look!”
Horseback/hardback…oh what a disguise!
###
A fellow was trying to read
A message that his girl-friend keyed:
“To follow u Jack
I can’t hold it back”
His answer was simply “Agreed”
A student, while trying to read
In the bathroom (the book was “Candide”)
Heard “Come play this game
Testing balance and aim!”
So he put down his novel and wii’d.
… For my friends in Scotland …
Some trav’lers were trying to read
A map of the banks of the Tweed.
The reading went well, so
They made it to Kelso,
A bonnie wee town, they agreed.
A driver was trying to read
A sign that said “Do not exceed
60 mph – tops”
When along came the cops
And charged her with excessive speed.
Oh Will, talk to Jane – you can read
Her book that’s about being treed.
But on second thought
About el’phants it’s not.
So that isn’t the book that you need.
a woman was trying to read
but a fly did her eyesight impede
it flew back and forth
until she was forced
to throw the book at it, indeed
In Herodotus’ writings, one reads
About Cyrus, who conquered the Medes.
I can’t tell you the rest
‘Til I’m properly dressed
In my crisp professorial tweeds.
PS —
(I mentioned Herodotus’ version,
Though others described the incursion.
But the tale, sad to say,
Doesn’t mean much today:
One man’s Mede is another man’s Persian.)
For years, I’ve been trying to read
George Eliot’s book “Adam Bede”.
But I feel like each page
Adds a year to my age,
So I find that I always concede.
An old Jewish man tried to read,
The fine print on a property deed.
“Alter bok!*” teased his boy.
The old man replied, “Oy,
Like a loch in the kop,** this I need.”
*old goat
**hole in the head
A fellow was trying to read,
On the toilet. While doing the deed,
His wife shouted: “Hey!
Will you be there all day?”
He replied, “Hon, I’ve barely just peed.”
A student is trying to read
A textbook by Margaret Mead
Which room-mates keep stealing
Because it’s revealing
Some Growing Up knowledge they need.
A dog owner, trying to read
About how to get puppies de-flead
Came across what was written:
“If you haven’t been bitten.
Could be, to de-flea there’s no need”.
In pubs there’s a sign you can read
“Young-looking? You will be ID’d”.
For me it’s too late
But there’s Seniors’ Rate
T’ which, ID or none, they’ll accede.
A gardener’s trying to read
The back of a packet of seed.
For the sake of a rhyme
Let’s say that it’s thyme
For glasses she’s starting to need.
Dear Steve, I’m so sorry to read
You’ve been ill — that’s a pity indeed.
Wishing speedy relief
Hope your absence is brief
Or our lim’rick-off might go to seed!
More about the dog owner:
He decided he further would read.
“If bites make you itch, scratch and bleed,
The problem to fix:
Catch the fleas! Teach them tricks!
In a circus, they’re sure to succeed”.
A young lady who pledged she would read
Only songs of a knight chilvalryed,
was soon found, alas, dead,
And it turned out she read
Every ode in the world and ode-eed.
A woman was trying to read,
Undeterred by a gushing nosebleed.
With a shiver, she said,
As the pages turned red,
“This story is gory, indeed.”
A woman was trying to read
her annoying new Facebook feed
She went to that page
and felt all her rage
It was useless to call them and plead
A woman was trying to read
Of doings at old Runnymede
A chart, we conclude
Of great magnitude
With various rights guaranteed.
Oops, that’s Runnymede, not Ganymede, which follows.
Note from Mad Kane: I fixed it for you.
A woman was trying to read
What she could of the moon, Ganymede.
It was one of a trio*
That old Galileo
Discovered.
*Oops, one more indeed.
A fellow was trying to read
to be like the golfer, Sam Snead
But out on the links
he found his game stinks
and his clubs were summarily kneed.
A fellow was trying to read
An old warhorse pun with a Mede.
It seems, in one version,
He’s another man’s Persian.
(Then we gasped and we groaned and we peed.)
A toddler pretended to read
A cookbook. He liked what he seed.
He teared pictures out
Until Mom gived a shout:
“To the Naughty Chair! Now!” So he fleed.
(out-of-competition)
PRELUDE & FUGUE
“It’s time,” said the poet in bonhomie,
“To use what we call ‘heteronymy’:”
It’s silly! It’s fun!
And it’s two words in one,
Which is great in a lousy economy!”
(– ahem –)
A printer named Grinter from Reading
Was reading a book about leading.
He wanted to read
About leading his lede
(That’s the leading bit after the heading).
One night I was trying to read
A note in a small pumpkin seed.
“I’m a captive,” it said
Well, that’s what I read.
The light wasn’t good, I’ll concede.
I’m glad from Sue Dulley to read
That her views from her verse have been freed.
I’m so happy, tra la,
But I fear that her bra
May not be the rhyme word I need.
Sue —
Some dogs get so used to the scratch
That they need a sensation to match.
When the medicine’s done,
They go off on a run
To Flea Markets, to get a new batch.
Dear Edmund: I don’t like to carp,
But our Sue is no dulley — she’s *sharp*!
Go near her brassiere,
And the next sound you hear
Will be seraphim playing the harp!
:)
On conducting 2 repartees at the same time:
Today I just had to write back
In two places – it’s hard to keep track.
This simultaneity
Requires spontaneity
In stereo – something I lack.
Will, I’m not into dogs, I like cats,
Though fleas sometimes lurk in their mats.
But where did I *read*
That fleas also breed
On bigger fleas, gnats, bats, and rats?
Sue: It’s not only kitties that purr:
All warm-blooded creatures with fur
Who give birth to live babies
Get fleas… (Wait — that’s *rabies*;
To your reading I guess I’ll defer).
I’ll make one exception, and that’s
That gnats don’t get fleas (or fleas, gnats!).
But the gnat and the flea
Love the flavor of Me,
Though I’m loaded with sugars and fats.
Oops — looks like I included an identity where I wanted a rhyme in that first one. I must be getting tired.
“…In stereo – something I lack.”
I’ll bet Craig can do it. He’s ambiDykstrous.
A farmer was trying to read
Of hybrids, a skill he might need.
“Two plants get together
But will I know whether
Each seed will be glad to con-seed?”
A driver who never could read
Got ticket for imprudent speed
didn’t know what it said
claimed ignorance abed
His ride is now only a steed
An agent was trying to read
Rights to a doer of bad deed
he quoted Miranda
out on the veranda
Who cares cause his name is Kalid
A diver was trying to read
A sign at bottom of Lake Mead
it said “No Phishing
or Satellite Dishing”
As power was yet to succeed
A beatnik was trying to read
His poem on how to succeed
bongos were drumming
guitars kept strumming
Snap fingers and wishes will breed
In English I struggled to read
The works of The Venerable Bede.
His stuff was so dry
That my colleagues and I
Went to drink with all possible speed.
A miser was trying to read
A how to for increasing greed
this hording hobbyist
hired him a lobbyist
Now Congress is meeting his need
A snorkeler had a blocked reed
After a shortcut thru some seaweed
this caused him to surface
before meeting his purpose
To last breath he was forced to concede
Will T: (going back to yours of 3:12 pm)
When last I was at a flea market
I thought that I heard something bark! It
Must be those dogs
Come to de-flea the togs.
(Is this theme getting old? Should we park it?)
Kama Sutra is where you can read
About limits to passion and greed
And if you’ve a teeny
collapsed kundalini
It’ll soon bring you right up to speed
I have both my downs and my ups
And life has its Nopes and its Yups
Where I will not go near
Is a woman’s brassiere
Or a man’s when I’m into my cups.
A fellow was trying to read
A bit much into shades that he peed:
“If it’s cloudy, desist
From arranging a tryst.
If it’s clear, dive in and proceed.”
A fella just now got to read
All the limericks his will succeed.
If you think that sounds hollow
“Succeed” here means ” follow”
Instead of “to end in the lead.”
A woman was trying to read
Goodnight Moon to a small centipede.
But the furry wee fellow
Asked, “Why’s the moon yellow?
Was it Armstrong or Aldrin who peed?”
A fellow was trying to read
The works of the Venerable Bede.
But the reading was taxin’
Being all Anglo-Saxon.
Would you pass me some more of that mead?
I hope that you readers will read
All my limericks, soon to succeed
And unlike our Craig
Being coyishy vague
I’ll win this thing, guaran–damn–teed!
> “Is this theme getting old?”
I tried a few more, but hit bottom
(don’t ask for details: I forgottom).
My rhymes were so dismal —
so TRULY abysmal —
I took ’em out back and I shottom.
> “I’ll win this thing”
Ed’s rhymes have become nonchalant. He
Is earning the right to be jaunty.
It’s terribly moving,
How much he’s improving:
Of course he can win it. Why Conti?
A woman was trying to read
About poultry she might like to breed.
“But Rhode Island red?
Oh NO!” the gal said.
“I don’t NEED Commie chickens to feed!
A woman was trying to read,
Seeking words with emotional seed
To rekindle her passion
Letting fantasies fashion
Fifty shades of libidinous need.
A fellow who thought he could read
A trilobite fossil decreed:
“The Ice Agers’ ears
Were swathed, it appears,
In something like herringbone tweed.”
A fellow was trying to read
His agenda for this year’s Stampede.
Is it horses and steers,
Pancake breakfasts with beers?
No, it’s those mini-donuts he’ll need.
I’m shocked, I just happened to read
About the ballet “La Sylphide”.
Sweet “Les Sylphides” it’s not;
There’s a weird Scottish plot
In which witches brew up a misdeed.
Were Shakespeare this story to read
He’d roll in his grave, guaranteed.
His crones from “Macbeth”
have moved on to wreak death
In a show of a different breed.
Jeff Davis was angered to read
Not so much that the slaves had been freed
But that Unionists were
On the To line—O slur!—
And secessionists only cc’d.
A woman was trying to read
when from her necklace sprang a bead
The exquisite rare pearl
rolled downhill to a burl
but then what did it do but proceed!
A fellow was trying to read
“The Story of O” as he peed.
But wouldn’t you know
He had to say Oh!
As he thrilled and then spilled all his seed.
A woman was trying to read
Up the method for brewing some mead
She collected some honey
Which seemed rather funny
With the end satisfying the need.
A fellow was trying to read
Of a man who was trying to breed
On someone’s behalf
(and here you can laugh)
Intercede? Yes indeed. Enter seed.
A fellow was trying to read
Of a man who could never succeed
Everything that he ventured
Just left him indentured
In doubt and in debt and in deed.
We forgot to teach Phil how to read
The symbols that all skiers heed;
We found our poor friend
Sitting dazed at the end
Of the Black Diamond trail he’d just skied.
(out-of-competition: short vowel)
In old Persian legend, I’ve read
Of Shahrzâd, and the Caliph she wed.
Shahrzâd, it is sung,
Used her talented tongue
To get out of giving him head.
(The author insists what he writes
Is suited to family sites:
It’s not dirty a bit
If you’re up on your lit,
And you know your Arabian Nights.)
In the Genesis story we read
About Onan and Tamar. Pay heed!
In the middle of bonin’,
He pulled out, did Onan!
God smote him for spilling his seed.
Poor Tamar. Her first husband, Er,
Also didn’t want children with her.
(So bad was God’s smiting
That even in writing
Er’s story’s is barely a blur).
Then Tamar got mad. Who could blame her?
For her father-in-law tried to shame her.
So she tricked him instead
Into sharing her bed…
It’s a dangerous job: *lie on Tamar*.
Will, since we can’t Like you on facebook,
Like
Like like
Like like like
A young beekeeper essayed to read
How to capture a queen who’s been treed.
He claimed that the swarm
Wouldn’t do him great harm,
But soon he was venerably bee-d.
A woman was trying to read
a book on which others agreed.
But the plotting was lame
so she wasn’t to blame
when she said, “From this group I secede.”
She sat on her Poang to read
A catalog fuelling her greed.
Though assembly’s required
She never gets tired
Of furniture sold by a Swede.
In a joke I once happened to read,
Descartes and a friend drank some mead.
Said the friend: “One more, eh?”
“I think not” said Rene,
Then vanished with infinite speed.
A fellow was trying to read
But his eyesight was way poor indeed
He went to a clock shop
Cos the sign looked like knock shop
And the owner said “Time out I plead”.
no limerick today cause my eyes have gone to seed
thanks Mad…
Fun whirl for bibliophiles! Thanks, Mad Kane!
Here’s mine:
Doing the NaPoWriMo and A to Z Shuffle
A woman was trying to read
A pamphlet that told how to breed
Little chickens and ducks
She said: this just sucks
And went out to ride horses in-steed.
A woman was saddened to read
A note from her guy which decreed
Though in Stockholm they’d met,
They were finished. I’d bet
At this parting the sorrow was Swede.
The Lorax said: hay! 21.03.2013
A fellow was trying to read
While thatching his roof with wild reed
But the Lorax said: hay!
Put that old book away!
Cause today hay’s the reed we all s’need
A fellow was trying to read
What he thought was The Apostles’ Creed
But it wasn’t a credo
That was written on Playdough
Just a five-year-old spoiled brat’s screed.
In poker you’re trying to read
The faces and weed thru the greed.
When you get the right card,
Of course you bet hard,
Otherwise it’s just best to concede.
A woman was trying to read
Instructions for planting a seed.
The words were so small,
She started to bawl,
“Please tell if it’s wheat or a weed”.
A fellow was trying to read
Of how best to get Fido deflea’d
The best way: Say “Please,
Will you leave?” to the fleas
And “Thank you” to all that pay heed.
A music buff’s trying to read
The orchestra list at “Das Lied
Von der Erde” by Mahler;
She’s paying top dollar
To see it live, not DVD’d.
A fellow was trying to read
While driving his car at high speed
Didn’t see the road block
So, it was quite a shock
When he flew off the road and was treed.
A woman was trying to read
A fatwa by Imam Walid,
Which issued a curse
On limerick verse:
“It’s immoral,” the Imam decreed.
A woman was trying to read
A novel her friends all agreed
Explored all the shades
Of sex escapades,
Except those intended to breed.
A woman was trying to read
A story of envy and greed,
And gluttony, sloth,
The pride and the wroth,
And lust (that’s the 7th misdeed).
The woman was trying to read
The way to the green as she teed:
“I don’t mind the lie
Of these fairways by Dye,
But prefer the designs of Sam Snead.”
The woman was trying to read
The mind of her boss, Mr. Fried.
(If you’d rather avoid
To become unemployed,
It’s a skill that you gen’rally need.)
A woman was trying to read
The stocks that may lag or may lead.
Said she: “I don’t care
For the bull or the bear,
As long as I’m in the stampede.”
My friend Buddy had started to read
That new book, How to Grow Your Own Weed,
But his dealer found out,
And then said with a shout,
“I will never let Bud go to seed!”
A justice, on starting to read
Oath of office to one dressed in tweed,
Got ahead of the game
(Smelling scandal and shame)
And asked him, “Boss, how do you plead?”
A fellow each day longed to read
An adulteress’s latest misdeed.
That heroine’s art
Drove a dart in his heart
When his wife had her journal rekeyed.
A fellow who’s trying to read
His birthday cake doesn’t succeed,
But comes off as well read,
More lettered, well bred,
With a face that’s mustached and goateed.
A cop, getting stoned, tries to read
The riot act high on his steed:
“The street concert’s off!
Leave the area! [cough]
And surrender the rest of your weed!”
A doctor was trying to read
The results of a drug test for weed:
“No trace of dope here.
His instructions were clear?
‘Cuz, golly bejeez, can he breed!”
I would like to know how to put some words in italics, as Konrad S did about 5 limericks up from here. Copy-and-paste from email doesn’t seem to work. Anyone?
I will now trepidatiously read
Your verse though it makes my heart bleed.
I’m sure, more and more, kids,
Your poems bloom like orchids —
Mine belch up like dandelion weed.
The woman was trying to read
The stick on which she had peed.
As the plus sign appears
It draws laughter and cheers
And a kiss from the man she has wed.
an old joke …
A fellow was troubled to read
A message in snow that was peed:
“The style is my friend’s
And we can’t make amends
‘Cuz the hand is my wife’s!” he decreed.
Another test
@DrGooseEcon: A woman was trying to read
If deposits were still guaranteed
If her bank would consign
To Frankfurt am Main
Or Cyprus would have to secede.
A woman was trying to read
The number of caplets she’d need
To clear her congestion
“‘How bany?’s da question
To stob wit da cough an’ da sneed!”
As the lady made efforts to read,
Miss Prissy, her cat, would just knead
Her arm and her knee
It was distracting, you see!
The cat didn’t hear her lady plead!
A fellow was trying to read
And gradually increase his speed
He hoped that he could
Do as Evelyn would
But dyslexic, he didn’t succeed.
A fellow was trying to read
A tale of infinite greed
But Too Big to Fail
Just made him go pale
So back to the fiction he flee’d
Thanks so much everyone for your fun limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Congratulations to the Limerick of the Week Winner, the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award Winners, the Limerick Saga Award Winner, and the Honorable Mention Winners! Limerick of the Week 106
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Bold Limerick