Limerick Rays — 2nd Anniversary Edition (Limerick-Off Monday)
A few minutes ago, I announced the 104th Limerick of the Week. And that means it’s anniversary time at Mad Kane’s Limerick-Offs.
The Limerick of the Week Awards started as an experiment nearly two years ago in March 2011. Of course, I had been informally posting limerick prompts for years before that. But it was on March 13, 2011 that I decided to get organized and start picking weekly winners. Here’s what I wrote.
But I’m trying something a bit different this time: One of your limericks will be anointed Limerick Of The Week.
As you can see, my experiment took, and next week I’ll be awarding the first Limerick of the Week for Year 3. So congratulations to all of you and thanks so much for helping to make this limerick competition such a success.
Oh … and in case you’re wondering who our first Limerick of the Week Winner was, it was our very own Phyllis Sterling Smith a/k/a Granny Smith. You can read her clever winning limerick here, along with delightful Honorable Mention limericks from David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose, Versebender, and co-writers (not to mention married couple) Catherine Palmer and Ron Mardix.
In light of our 2nd Limerick of the Week Anniversary, I’m offering you an alternative: In addition to your regular challenge, you may write a limerick related to any kind of anniversary, using any first line. Next week I’ll present an extra award — one for the best anniversary-related limerick.
And now, getting back to the business at hand, it’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 11:59 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:
A fellow who wanted a raise…*
or
A woman who wanted a raise…*
or
A fellow was catching some rays…*
or
A woman was catching some rays…*
(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)
Here’s my limerick:
Limerick Rays
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A man had been catching some rays,
Lazing lakeside — he’d done it for days,
While his wife hid inside:
“Sun is bad for your hide,
And besides, wasted time never pays.”
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Anniversary Humor, Competition Limerick, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, March Holidays, Poetry & Prompts, Relaxation Humor, Skin Damage, Sun Bathing Humor, Tanning Humor, Writing Prompts
Congratulations, Madeleine, on two full years of erudite silliness. It looks like an anniversary for me as well, as I first jumped into the pool at Week 52.
Here’s to you Mad, our glasses we raise
For the work that you do, we give praise
It’s not Hegel or Kanty
But very gallanty
Your kind are too scanty these days!
Thanks so much, Craig and Steve, for your kind words and your delightfully entertaining contributions to my Limerick-Offs!
A woman who wanted a raise
Was working all nights and most days
She needed a rest,
Work was stealing her zest
And turning her brown hair to greys.
A fellow who wanted a raise
Worked long nights and still longer long days.
‘Til his boss, late one night,
Said, “Your wish I’ll requite.”
Then she added, “Let’s find other ways.”
A fellow who wanted a raise
Asked his wife to resolve his malaise:
“Sounding rather half-assed,
My flag’s stuck at half mast.”
She replied, “I can count a few ways.”
oh she should have gone and joined him… lazy time spent together is never wasted time…smiles
A fat steer who wanted a raise
Refused to continue his graze
without a pay hike
he threatened to strike
Management thus settled with braise
A wan woman was copping some rays
On low cape between a pair of bays
in the high tide ambled
as sunbather scrambled
She and her top went their separate ways
A poor escort was seeking a raise
From his madame who exploited gays
she met his demands
without reprimands
Now he gets much more out of his lays
A chef who was seeking a raise
Perfected his Chicken Francaise
unless more pay began
he would strike with his pan
Causing his boss’s eyes to deglaze
A gal who was catching some rays
Provoked boy’s short arm to some raise.
But it fell down flat
Once she noticed that
And said: “Je voudrais que tu m’baises!”
A woman was catching some rays
On days when the sun was ablaze
She turned a bright red
Couldn’t lie down in bed.
Poor hubby was left with his raise.
A fellow was catching some rays
Spied a gal who gave him a gaze.
He said babe you look fine
I’ll buy dinner and wine.
Then later in bed she’d amaze.
A farmer was trying to raise
The volume of what his hen lays
He read via Twitter
To feed the gal glitter
Now the poor thing just lays Fabergés!
Her candidacy failed to raise
Any money – she ran out in days –
Turns out it’s essential
To look presidential
But not if it’s Rutherford Hayes.
An overboard fan of Blu-Rays
Can blow lots of money these days
I bought a whole box
Of that film with J. Foxx
Who sang blues in some ways that amaze
A fellow who wanted a raise
Found out that crime never pays
He stole from his boss
Who noticed the loss
And is incarcerated for the rest of his days.
Our fellow Jack who wanted a raise
Showered his boss with lavish praise
However, on D-day
Julie got the greater pay
Sorry Jack, you missed her strategic gaze.
He walked in demanding a raise.
She offered instead her soft chaise.
Taking matters in hand,
She did more than he’d planned.
Let’s just say that she cured his malaise.
A fellow who wanted a raise
Gave his boss a birthday gaze
She was really a he
Not liking all being set free
Now he knows stripping never always pays
Congratulations on the 2nd Anniversary, Madelaine.
Here’s my contribution to the celebration (it’s nice to be back after a month away). —K
A fellow who wanted a raise
proceeded his new boss to praise
but his boot-licking
earned him butt-kicking
when his real work was appraised.
A fellow who wanted a raise
tried hard his boss to amaze
He brought her a rose
what did he suppose?
get paid for set her fire ablaze
A woman from Rye, trynna raise
Her spouse from his bedroom malaise,
Left her clothes on the shelf
And just covered herself
With some ham, and a little mayonnaise.
A comedian, onstage at Ray’s,
Told the secret of how his act plays –
“I’m goofy, I’m wise,
And look straight in their eyes”
Ham on wry, with a little man gaze.
Poor Wilbur stepped out for some rays,
But soon found the price that one pays,
For playing with fire,
To ease one’s desire.
He soon lacked the means or the ways.
Donald Trump said he wanted to raze
A hotel from New York’s glory days
“Let’s just rocket The Plaza
“Like a shanty in Gaza –
“It isn’t where anyone stays!”
Congratulations Mad!
A fellow was catching some rays
and he said ‘La France est un pays’
He sat on La plage
for free without charge
and dreamt about the good old days.
A fellow who wanted a raise
Was very liberal with his praise
Couldn’t get through
To those who knew
But it didn’t bother him the least
Hank
A gambler who wanted to raise
Has won some good cash on green baize
But never been given
On sheet of white linen
A prize that he would most appraise.
A man was catching some rays
From a planet far, far aways,
Where little green men
Turned big dials, which then
Morphed his lame brain to mayonnaise.
Global warming’s predicted to raise
The oceans, the seas and the bays
We’ll build houses on stilts
And we’ll hitch up our kilts
As our bums burn in summer’s cruel blaze
happy anniversary mad!
A history buff always would raise
A few eyebrows along with much praise:
Of events small or great
There was only one date
That he couldn’t deliver: today’s.
A fellow who wanted a raise
had been colorblind most of his days.
So instead of the blue pill
he took Metamucil,
and his “piece of ass” came ‘nuther ways.
A writer who wanted a raise
wrote some sexy and steamy screenplays.
The producer got hot,
then he gave her a shot.
Not with cash but in sexual ways.
A chubby lass often caught rays
At the beach on warm summer days.
And in her bikini –
One really quite teeny –
She prayed she’d draw a lustful gaze.
In June we will have reached fifty
In married years–nice, neat and nifty.
Oh yes, we are old
So guess what, it’s gold
Or pewter for givers more thrifty.
A fellow was catching some Rays
Well, maybe it’s time to re-phrase.
The team’s Tampa Bay
The boys want to play
The pitchers are hoping for praise.
A woman who wanted a raise
Made her case with some weak-kneed cliches.
Her boss, unimpressed,
Denied her request.
And now she works all holidays.
Two years already??
Happy Anniversary MADam!
My how rhyme flies!!
a woman was looking to raise
her man’s libido to a blaze
her boobs went up
the rest got a tuck
and her body of work got her praise
Congratulations on your anniversary!
DATE NIGHT
Once too many a past anniversary
we have tended to tots in the nursery.
But tonight we will not;
we will spend time, a lot,
in the bedroom, and won’t make it cursory.
JEALOUSY
Francis Bacon once wanted to raze
the old Globe, where they played Shakespeare’s plays,
for he thought the old Bard
just a great tub of lard
and his sonnets but merely a phase.
SYNCHRONICITY
A woman who wanted a raise
saw a man quite deserving of praise;
when he caught her wide eyes,
she looked on in surprise
as he rose, quite in phase with her gaze.
Bruce Wayne gave up trying to raise
Young Dick Grayson, who’d run off for days
He’d turn up at the edges
Of ornate floral hedges:
The ward lurks in wisteria’s maze.
As the bathers turn cheeks to the rays
At the seaside resorts where they laze,
Those sunshiny beams
And temperate streams
Kiss the jet set—astride their bidets.
Neither pencil nor pen can I raise
Each day is like One Of Those Days
The lim’ricks won’t come
So I’m feeling quite dumb
And hoping it’s only a phase.
A gal who was catching some rays
Doffed her pants and lay prone on her chaise.
She displayed herself vainly
So we have to speak plainly:
She moons. (It may just be a phase.)
It’s already six, and the rays
Of the sun still stream down through the haze.
Spring Forward is great
When you like to sleep late
And anticip..ate long summer days.
A fellow who wanted a raise
showed the boss five letters of praise.
When the boss quickly said, “No can do;
those notes were all written by you,”
the worker went out in a blaze.
A fellow was catching some rays
Smoking pot with his friends, like most days
Such kind words were evoked
Every time his pals toked
Made the man simply crave their high praise
We’ve been dating for almost a year
And commitment is something I fear
Although it’s a cursory
First anniversary
I manned up and I bought you a beer
A fellow was catching some rays
On the very hottest of days
It was a sizzling June
He fell asleep at high noon
And now he looks like a lobster that’s braised
You’ve been married last year, so I see
Wedded bliss for a year, joy and glee
But there in the nursery
On your first anniversary
Is an infant who is two, maybe three.
If ever I wanted to raise
My girth or the need to wear stays
Id eat lots of pies and
fried fish with French fries and
Spaghetti with sauce Bolognese.
A pianist, spirits to raise,
Gets on the piano and plays
A Chopin prelude,
A waltz, an etude,
And lastly a Grande Polonaise.
A woman who asked for a raise
After twenty-six years and three days
Has a terrible feeling
That ACME GLASS CEILING
Won’t change the amount that it pays.
A fellow who’ll normally raise
A glass on most festival days
Says that he draws the line
At green Guinness and wine
But green beer on St Pat’s he okays.
A “neigh”-bour of mine likes to raise
His voice in some animal ways:
“Woof-woof” or ‘Meeow”
Or he moos like a cow
Or makes like a donkey and brays.
“A fellow was catching some rays…”
Wrote the lim’ricist, hoping for praise;
Then decorum he broke
With a Steve Irwin joke…
(“Oh, Crikey!”, I think, is the phrase).
(Said I to the editor, “Listen,
It’s fine if you moderate this-un.
It’s tasteless and crass,
So I won’t be an ass
And complain if this verse should go missin’.)
A young man was catching some rays
Without sunscreen. Gone mad from the blaze,
he smeared honey instead
from his toes to his head…
Now he’s cooked to a delicate glaze.
A worker who asks for a raise
In the corporate jungle these days
Has about as much hope
As the average dope
In the bleakest of Sam Beckett’s plays.
May our marriage through profit and loss,
Our blessing, more often our cross,
Be forever enshrined
In this lustrous and kind
Anniversary plaque from the boss.
On the web site, the wine bends the rays
Into rainbows through glass, winning praise
From critics who spout:
“While it may taste like trout,
It’s the best liquid crystal displays.”
My veggie consumption to raise
I sometimes eat out at buffets.
There’s red meat of course
Which I hope isn’t horse
But I’m there for the greens and the graze.
(out-of-competition #1)
An aspiring young actress (a hot one)
Wished to be a big star… but was not one.
So she went to make porn, in
The suit she was born in —
She wanted a raise; she sure got one!
(out-of-competition #2)
On the beach my friend Ray has been lazin’,
And what’s happened is truly amazin’:
After seven straight days
Of absorbing the rays,
Ray’s no longer a Ray — he’s a Raisin!
(out-of-competition #3)
As a child growing up on the coast,
I used SPF 10 at the most.
These days at the shore,
Use 300 or more;
If you don’t, just use butter. You’re toast.
A fellow out catching the rays
Gave up and resorted to sprays.
From here it gets bleaker:
They made him House Speaker,
And the rest of this limerick has been suspended due to sequestration.
Oh, Sue? when you go to buffets,
The meat that you see in the trays
Doesn’t come from a horse.
There’s a much cheaper source:
It’s employees who asked for a raise!
Will T, are you trying to raise
My hopes when I go to buffets?
Not sure if I’d rather
not-eat someone’s father
or not-eat a beastie who neighs.
I hate to be telling you, Sue,
But there’s really not much we can do.
What I read in the news
Scares me out of my shoes —
And I’m scared of the vegetables, too!
(Though now I’m worked up in a lather
From racking my brains, just to gather
If it’s fathers and brothers,
Or horses and others
I’d rather not rather not-rather.)
Fat Hugh was out catching a ray,
When suddenly, to his dismay,
A crowd formed, demanding
Marine Mammal Stranding
Come push him back into the bay.
“Please stop,” shouted Hugh; “It’s insanity,
And a terrible blow to my vanity!
I’m a person like you,
Not a dugong!” cried Hugh…
Sobbed an onlooker: “Oh, the Hugh Manatee!”
…
(OK, this one’s kind-of mean. Sorry; I couldn’t pass up the pun.)
A officer trying to raise
A mounted division assays
A monocular bronc.
In the words of his wonk:
“It fails with one eye and ten neighs.”
Will T., if on Facebook you’d post
All your lim’ricks like “..butter. You’re toast”
And others like those (ya
deserve more exposure)
We’d find out who Likes you the most.
I flinch when I see Rachael Ray’s
ads in print or on Facebook these days.
The biblical Rachel
Is R-A-C-H-el
But Rachael (Ms Ray) has two A’s.
Well done, Sue!
(It’s Paula Deen scares me instead —
They’re always airbrushing her head!
Some Photoshop fool
Makes her look like a ghoul
From a horror film: Deen of the Dead!)
(RE: SD, 12:07)
That’s kind of you, Sue — many thanks;
But I fear I belong in the ranks
Of the Facebook-impaired,
For I’m terribly scared
It’s a tool of Big Business and banks.
There may be a book for my face,
But Facebook just isn’t the place.
My political view
And my language (both blue)
Might be bad for employers to trace…
And I hope I don’t jangle your nerves
About food that the restaurant serves;
It’s better, I find,
For my own peace of mind
If I simply avoid the horse d’oeuvres.
(There’s a Chinese buffet with an error
on its signage that’s truly a scarer:
Seems they mis-spelled “Hunan”
With an “m”. Man, oh man,
How the customers scattered in terror!)
a man was catching some rays
when a girl caught his gaze
he said with a sigh
on my oh my
how I wish she would stand there for days.
////////
a man was asking for a raise
but his boss had noted the glaze of his gaze
and said with a smirk
I’ve not seen any work
from you for days
OK, one more and I promise I’ll shut up:
ANNIVERSARY PRESENT
— or —
“Love means never having to say… Iamb Sorry”
This year, I went to write my love a Sonnet —
A present for our Anniversary.
But when I’d worked a little while upon it,
That anapest tread
Reared its terrible head,
And it quickly turned dirty, doggone it!
Take One:
He dreamed all his life of Sting Rays.
Those Corvettes would set him ablaze.
How he longed to own one,
With it’s requiste fun,
The roof down, just catching some rays.
Take Two:
He dreamed all his life of Sting Rays.
Those Corvettes would set him ablaze.
How he longed to own one,
With it’s requisite fun;
Till he entered his minivan phase.
… A Brutal anniversary tomorrow …
“Beware around March the XV”
Was the warning to Julius C.
He died on that day
Crying “Et tu, Brute”
Back in XLIV BCE.
Will T., just one short final note:
If a few others liked what you wrote,
In the race for “Liked Best”
You’d be leading the rest;
At least you have my virtual vote.
I am referring to the scientific journal “Science”, which actually had an article indicating this.
Physiologists wanting to raise
Scientific thoughts (such are their ways)
Found according to “Science”
Where I place my reliance,
We’re just flasks in which microbes can graze.
A fellow who wanted a raise
Used the following threatening phrase:
“My worth’s not in doubt;
Move me up or I’m out!”
Now ‘gainst working in Nome he inveighs.
A Dutch cook awaiting a raise
Tried to smother his boss with false praise.
Said he: “You’re a good egg!”
“Oh, to differ I beg!”
Ben’s edict: “No free Holland days!”
A worker who wanted a raise
was tired of his boss’s cheap ways,
so he sold tools from the shop…
to an undercover cop,
proving once again crime never pays!
Remember, we’d grab us some rays,
Digging Hendrix’s deep Purple Haze,
Sipping glass after glass,
While high on the grass,
Young and happy, yes those were the daze.
On a subject I happened to raise
In an earlier lim’rick (buffets):
After lettuce for lunch
I’ll binge on a bunch
Of cheesecakes and (yum!) creme brulees.
And thanks, Jane, for first mentioning ‘buffets’ which inspired me a few times this week.
Happy Anniversary
Well, it’s magical: one hundred four —
2 times fifty-two, four and five score!
As for me, I keep time
Working lim’rick-off rhyme
After rhyme till I can’t rhyme no more.
And that brings me to my presentation:
Though I happened here sans invitation,
‘Twas like finding a home
Where the funny folk roam
When the funny farm goes on vacation.
I spent years, Mad, before you, in truth,
Sitting ‘round, growing long in the tooth.
So I thank you, Ms. Kane,
For, through you, once again,
I’m the fun-loving me of my youth!
Ode to Spring Training
A fellow who wanted to raise
The crowd to its feet between plays
Hollered: “Come on, you guys,
Lift your hands toward the skies
And shout out those Y-M-C-A’s!”
A fellow who wanted a raise
Was rebuffed by his boss Mr. Hayes,
Who said: “I advise
That serving up fries
Is not a profession that pays.”
When a guy asked his boss: “Where’s my raise?”
She asked to excuse the delays,
As taxes preclude ‘er
To move from Bermuda
The cash for employee outlays.
An actress demanded a raise
To do one of Will Shakespeare’s plays.
“The lady, as such,
Doth protest too much,”
Said Will, “To repurpose my phrase.”
On the phone she demanded a raise,
And her words set the wire ablaze.
“No agents are free,”
Said a voice, adding she
Must call back in the next business days.
Said the boss: “So you wanted a raise?
Your naïveté, sir, does amaze!
You’ve clearly not heard
That your comp is deferred
Into company 401(k)s.”
HR said: “We can’t give a raise,
But please don’t allow this to faze.
For those who perform,
It’s now the new norm
To hand out citations and praise.”
Anniversary cheers to Mad Kane!
Anniversary cheers to Mad Kane!
I’m glad this is fun
‘Cause I’ve only Begun!
Anniversary cheers to Mad Kane! …
San Diego teachers wanted a raise
Despite neswpaper’s bashing, we’re amazed
With class sizes increased,
And resources decreased
Finally get one, after 10 years’ delays!
(For more info, check the San Diego Union-tribune archives, they’re a real piece of work).
(Following Jamie’s lead:)
Since I’m new here, I hope you’ll explain
The puzzle that’s straining my brain:
Tell me, how is it one
Can begin as Begun?
(Begun, like as not,
Long before you’re begot?)
Why, it must drive her Mad… (Begun Kane).
Still…
Together, our voices we blend
For humorous verse’s best friend:
The fun that we’ve had
Has been thoroughly Mad…
May what Mad Kane’s Begun never end!
A fellow who wanted a raise
Scanned the want ads in kind of a daze
He moaned with a sob
“I could find a new job
Just not one that actually pays!”
Congratulations Madeleine on your Anniversary:
This year 60 yrs did pass
Since marrying a beautiful lass
And although still together
There’s been much stormy weather
And at times just a pain in the ass
A fellow who wanted a raise
was screwed with what government pays.
He sat on stacks of old news
and put lifts on his shoes,
the best raise he could hope for these days.
Thanks so much everyone for a great two-year Limerick of the Week anniversary week celebration and for so many delightful, funny, and even touching limericks. I really appreciate it!
This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Congratulations to the Limerick of the Week Winner, The Special Anniversary-Themed Limerick Winner, The Limerick Repartee Award Winners, and the Honorable Mention Winners! Limerick of the Week 105
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Reading Limericks
Hi Mad, I’m terribly late to the party–however, I still wanted to wish you a happy anniversary! (part deux) and thank you for keeping me in smiles and laughter :-)