Limerick Tie (Limerick-Off Monday)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And since Valentine’s Day is coming soon, I’m offering you an alternative: In addition to your regular challenge, you may write a limerick related to Valentine’s Day, using any first line. Next week I’ll present an extra award — one for the best Valentine’s Day limerick.
And now, getting back to your regular Limerick-Off challenge: I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 11:59 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:
A man who was wearing a tie…*
or
A gal who was wearing a tie…*
or
A fellow was trying to tie…*
or
A woman was trying to tie…*
*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)
Here’s my limerick:
Limerick Tie
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A woman had purchased a tie
For her husband, a jeans kind of guy.
He declared, “I won’t wear it.
My neck just can’t bear it.”
“Then good luck bearing kids,” her reply.
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Clothing Humor, Competition Limerick, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Poetry & Prompts, Ties Humor, Writing Prompts
A man who was wearing a tie
Thought he looked good enough to get by.
He got taken away
By the ol’ TSA
“’Cause you’re not wearing pants, sir – that’s why.”
A man tried to put on a tie
Leaving drunken romance on the sly
But when he went to check
How it looked ’round his neck
He found it was wrapped ’round her thigh.
A woman was attempting to tie
as she twisted her torso and thigh.
All guys who are straight
long to take her on a date
because she’s so nimble and spry.
See picture that goes with it and hear it read:
gripping girdle limerick
A tycoon was wearing a tie
On a Friday, so minions asked why
On a Casual Day
He would dress in that way.
“It’s my business, okay?” his reply.
A man who was wearing a tie
Was kissing his girlfriend goodbye
When her nicker elastic
Broke and went spastic
And he came away with a black eye.
There’s a singer who’s wearing a tie.
He’s Korean, and calls himself Psy.
Since his song about Gangnam
The girls, he is bang’n ‘em.
If I hear it again, I might die.
A prostitute wearing a tie
Was aiming to look like a guy
Pin striped suits, bowler hats
Pink carnations and spats
And her prices were terribly high.
A man who was wearing a tie
Had the ladies giving him the eye
He wore a big grin
Unnoticed by him
His tie was caught in his fly.
A jarhead, while wearing a tie,
Put his hand on a young lady’s thigh.
He was somewhat a louse,
As she wasn’t his spouse:
“Always Ready,” but not “Semper Fi.”
Today I just burned my last tie
Told my boss that I’d spit in his eye
Consulted my ouija
And bugged off to Fiji
Well, I wish I were that kind of guy
From Patience:
A man who was wearing a tie
that he bought in a sale in Shanghai,
With a wide windsor knot
He looked like a clot,
good taste just just waved him goodbye.
and The Prodigal;
A woman was wearing a tie
while watching a movie on Sky,
Though she jumped kicked and hacked,
something manly she lacked,
She wont be the eight Samurai.
A gal who was wearing a tie
Top a dress seen through by the eye.
She knew her sheer sheath
Showed two things beneath
A firm bust of an ample supply.
A fellow was trying to tie
His shoes after drinking some rye.
He felt like a jerk
Cause it just wouldn’t work
The rye made him fly clear up to the sky.
A woman was trying to tie
The knot with a guy who was sly
The lady was slick
She knew every trick
I’m late cause of you can’t deny.
A woman was trying to tie
laces not strung through an eye
She fumbled with aglets
ruined by maggots
scarfing up old cherry pie
A guy who was wearing a tie
So awful he couldn’t deny
It should have been trashed
Cause the colors all clashed
And it looked like a burnt pizza pie
A couple was trying to untie
The knot that wedlock came to belie
when they wound up in court
he recoiled at support
Enough rope to hang him out to dry
Who is this cherub they call Cupid
Who’s able to confuse and dupe id
egging on Valentines
with their pathetic pines
Giving in proved again that I’m stupid
A woman was trying to tie
To bedpost a most willing guy
proceeded to get rough
putting on his handcuff
Tighter said he with tear in eye
The gal who was wearing a tie,
George Sand, and her pants had no fly.
Called odd sort of duck,
Though she’d prefer schmuck,
With Fred Chopin she often would lie.
Now, ol’ Freddy, he too wore a tie
With piano the guy was quite spry
He’d knock out a tune
Then with Georgie he’d spoon
Crooning some heavenly lullaby.
Yes, that couple who each wore a tie
Have gone down in modern histor…rye.
He for his music
She for her tunic
Each more famous than Miss Nellie Bly.
A fellow was trying to tie
His laces, then heard a nice sigh,
From a girl, she was staring,
At what he was wearing.
Did her need match his eager supply?
A fellow so needed to tie
Down his gymnast because she’s too spry.
She’d buck, sway and wiggle.
He’d slip out, she’d giggle.
She’s curvy but tough to come by.
A man who was wearing a tie,
Tried to find out if he could fly.
He leaped from a roof,
Which sure was a goof,
Now all but his tie reside in the sky
A man who was wearing a tie
Got blamed under wife’s severe eye:
“I bought you a present
And find it unpleasant:
You don’t like two other, tell why?”
A Scot in an awful brown tie
Attracted some stares and here’s why
He aimed to be thrifty
So for Two dollars fifty
He made one himself out of ply.
Young woman was eager to tie
The knot with her fella, but why?
“He isn’t a prince or
Heir to House of Windsor”
Said she, “But my beau’s a nice guy”
Willy Turner who once wore a tie
Was the shy type and timid but sly.
When asked, “Will he turn her?”
He’d give this rejoinder:
“Every which way but loose, by and by.”
Found my dog in her pretty bow tie
Fast asleep near a half – eaten pie.
I said “Fifi, confess!
It was you made this mess!”
But you know how those sleeping dogs lie.
A gal who was wearing a tie
Got pulled over and started to cry.
“OMG, why’d we stop?”
“FYI,” said the cop
“IMO you’re DWI.”
A gal who was wearing a tie,
had no problem getting a guy.
Long and real narrow,
it looked like an arrow,
and on it read “Have some free pie!”
A man who is wearing a tie
Should never persist to deny:
In certain condition
It may ruin the mission,
Despite a dress-code to comply!
A man always wearing a tie
Dressed early – still almost bye-bye;
One day, by mistake,
He put on a snake –
That was knot a good way to die!
A man who was wearing a tie
To show his high breeding thereby,
As breeding things go
Showed more than he’d know –
Forgetting to fasten his fly.
If you don’t want to spend your night cry’n
Remember your sweet Valentyin’
Please don’t be stupid
Just listen to Cupid
A small gift with nice flowers should do fyin’
A man who was ordering Thai
Had some trouble with language, Oh my!
When he mentioned Phuket
‘Twas the worst it could get
Next time, have a nice pizza pie….
I got asked by a guy in a tie
Where my sexual preferences lie.
Was I straight? Was I gay?
“Well I guess I would say
That I do just enough to get bi.”
A baker in search of Romance
Asked a young lady to dance
“You’re the best since sliced bread
My Darlin’ he said
Give my heart shaped cookies a chance.”
A gal who was wearing a tie
Passed by a mirror with a gasping–Oh My!
This tie looks so silly
I haven’t a “willie”
I’m not a boy..so why try
That elephant wearing a tie
And was getting his knot all awry
Would have to de-bunk
Either cravat or trunk
As the crowd round his face made him shy.
In Times Square, some poor schlub in a tie
Grasped his chest as his heart went awry.
But a guy in a car
Did New York CPR:
He yelled “Get up! Or you’ll fuckin’ die!”
St Valentine’s Day in New York:
Some roses & chocolates & a cork
But where is the bottle?
Not a jit nor a tottle!
And it’s snot very eashy to talk……
A man who was wearing a tie
decided to tell a big lie.
But I said, “You see
you cannot fool me
I’ve already seen Life of Pi.”
A fellow was wearing a tie
wrapped round his head and one eye
He yelled, “I’m a pirate!”
which made us all irate.
Twas our business he’s trying to buy!
Olga’s hubby was wearing a tie,
(Birthday gift from his Great Auntie Vi)
“Hmmm? Ignoring …” mused Olga,
“Orange stripes … red dots (polka) …
“Tartan check … it’s quite soft on the eye.”
A woman who picked up a tie
For a noose said ‘I s’pose I could try
it with this … ‘ And a voice in her ear
said ‘Just do it, my dear.
Tie or tie not. For there is no ‘try’!
A man who was wearing a tie
George Will style, a real button down guy,
Gets on FOX, ABC
Sunday morning TV
For as long as they’ll pay him to lie.
In sports when there is a tie
Proud fathers just want to die
Their Pee-wee beginners
Need not play like hell bent sinners
We mothers stand back and sigh
A man who was wearing a tie
Was told he should make one more try.
He answered, “Oh heck!
Must it go round my neck?
No wonder I’m feeling cock-shy.”
A man who was wearing a tie
Was hanging around. Wonder why?
You guessed it. It’s true.
I’ve got some noose for you.
What a bad pun to hear when you die!
A fellow was wearing a tie
At a party for one last “Good-bye.”
It was nothing too arty;
Just a small necktie party.
And who was that guy? It was I!
A man who was wearing a tie
Met a gal who was wondering why.
Sir, what is that tie for?
It’s something to die for.
What for? Four-in-hand. End verse. (sigh)
A man who was wearing a tie…
A front for something on the sly
Tried his first job
It was a total flop
But it spurred him for another try
Hank
A man who was wearing a tie
Asked his wife once again, “Tell me why.”
I was tie-less in Gaza,
At the Hilton, the Plaza
And doing the gangnam with Psy.
smiles..i don’t feel limericky myself…so just enjoyed reading yours and some of the other entries…happy monday to you..
A Valentine’s Day Limerick
Valentine’s Day, it is looming
And both sexes assiduously grooming
To enhance their appearance
And with perseverance
To assure Love will soon be blooming
While not wishing to spread doom and gloom
I think all should give thought to whom
Once the festival’s done
And we’ve all had our fun
We’ll from then on needs share the bathroom.
I might just be willing to try
Going out for some food, said the guy.
But you know I’ve been frail
With a stomach unhale
So I beg you won’t make me eat Thai.
You are my true Valentine
I’ve wanted you since I was nine
The curve of your lips
And the shape of your hips
You’re a statue in the middle of the Rhine.
A woman was wearing a tie
As she set out, Viagra to buy
It’s ironic a lot
That she got what she sought
Even though it was in short supply
Roger Ailes in his best power tie
On improving his share, has an eye
But he just doesn’t get
That his station’s all wet
As he hangs some more drips out to dry
A father was trying to tie
His son’s Keds but gave up bye and bye
When the dad couldn’t shoe him
The youngster said to him
“Next time, let’s give Velcro a try”
I remember it happened this way
We blind dated on Valentine’s Day
It was love at first sight
That not only sounds trite
It’s quite possibly even cliché
Here’s a Feb 14 greeting that rhymes
I will miss you on this Valentimes
I’ll be down in the rain
On the coast once again
You’ll be home where the sun always shimes
A man who was wearing a tie
tried giving a cutie the eye.
She cried, “Go away.
I can tell you the day
we hook up is the day that pigs fly.”
The best kind of Valentine card
Is fondly hand-made by a bard
With thoughts sweet and warm
In limerick form
If that doesn’t make it too difficult.
As Girl Guides we learned how to tie
Knots that sailors and cowboys won’t try,
With cord, string or rope –
Not much use, but we’d hope
They’d some day lasso us a guy.
A tourist was wearing a tie.
She wanted to look like a guy
So why did we fail
To see her as male?
She asked for directions, that’s why.
If you dare to be wearing a tie
In our town near the start of July
It’d better be bolo
Or you’ll drink your beer solo
Or worse, get stampeded and die.
They say a crowd’s “not <3”
Which is just the right way it should be.
When sending a heart
In emoticon art
You’d best make your spouse the heart-ee.
For one who’s the joy of my life
The spoon and the fork to my knife,
She is my main squeeze,
Abelard’s Heloise.
(Now, where’s there a card for my wife?)
A man who was wearing a tie,
Was seen by another to cry.
When asked, “why the tears?”
“This tie, it appears,”
“Was used on their onions to dry.”
Lola ripped off the ballplayer’s tie;
So he flung off his shirt in reply.
As his belt hit the floor
She grinned, “yes, I want more–
And this inning’s next move’s a pop fly.”
The mosquito wore a loud tie.
I suppose you want to know why.
In the swamp dark and damp,
It flashed like a lamp,
“Looking to mate? I’m your guy.”
Debra Sue was trying to tie
The knot with a very rich guy.
But the tycoon, Larry,
Did not wish to marry,
Put off by the greed in her eye.
A bunny adjusts her bow-tie
Upon thumping a wolf of a guy,
Unaware that his paw
Left but one little flaw:
Her tail’s now stuck to her thigh.
A man who was wearing a tie
Sported also a very black eye.
So, what caused the latter?
A very small matter
Which was hanging out from his fly.
A man who was wearing a tie
Was choking and didn’t know why
On a nail he’d snagged
And the fellow he gagged
When he chased a hot girl passing by
A Japanese gardener donned a tie
When presenting his miniature bonsai
Although merely ornamental
The audience was judgmental
Twas relief when an expert asked to buy!
A man had just loosened his tie
To relax while preparing to fly
To a city Down Under.
His aplomb tore asunder
Hearing, “Welcome to Qantas to die.”
The oldest gal tightened her tie
To one item and said with a sigh,
“They say I’m too old,
Possessions all sold.
My computer still helps me get BUY!”
A man who was wearing a tie
Knew his time had come to eat pie
He pulled the thing of his neck
gave cupid a bet
and waited for arrows to fly
a man who was wearing a tie
got some of his lunch in his eye
wash it he tried
until it cried
and finally found it was a fly
Miss Muffett when seeking Romance
Came upon a small spider by chance
In a passion she flew
And sent billet -doux
To his arachnid website in France
A Japanese gardener donned a tie
When showing his potted bonsai
Tho merely ornamental
The crowd was judgmental
And sadly not likely to buy.
Well that was cute and funny. I have heard a ton of limericks lately and make them up with my kids…I may have to start writing them again.
Haha, perfect. Loved this!
The State of the Union is…interesting
A fellow was wearing a tie,
A purple one, that kind of guy.
In front of him sat
A president that
Told Congress, America, “Hi.”
And to be fair and balanced–
A fellow was wearing a tie,
A pink one (and don’t ask me why)
As Barak proposed
He seemed ill-disposed
And countered applause with a sigh.
“A fisherman knows how to tie
An alluring and eye-catching fly,”
Said fish to trainee,
“So don’t bite till you see
The facets of each compound eye.”
As the pirate was trying to tie
Up his wench, she refused to comply.
“Prone again on the bed?
I want face-up instead!
We will—arrgh!—never see aye-to-aye.”
Three fellows were wearing three ties
Three colors or so I surmise.
i have to say truly
That Sue Dulley, duly,
For noting that, gets the first prize.
Now Damien wearing a tie
With world famous singer did vie
Said “Great minds think alike
So I’ll go for a hike
Coz you are more famous than I”.
A man who was wearing a tie
was saving his pennies to buy
a new shirt and pants
to wear to the dance
that was scheduled for mid July
A fellow was trying to tie
To a dial-up, for porn on the sly.
By the time it had loaded
His lust had eroded.
He should cough up the bucks for wi-fi.
A Marquess in old school tie
Made all the aristocrats cry
When in tones far from plummy
He asked for a rummy
And Curacao limey Mai Tai.
Two songs must be voted a tie:
Don McLean’s fine “American Pie”
and Weird Al’s from much later
’bout a nascent Darth Vader
“But for now he is still a small fry!”
A fellow was wearing a Thai
Round his neck and was wondering why.
Can it be that all these
Unrestrained Siamese
Have trouble just saying “Good-bye.”
And on an unrelated (OK spider-related) note–
Come into my parlor, said I,
The spider, to my friend the fly.
My dinner is near
But don’t worry, dear,
For you I am ordering Thai.
A gal who was wearing a tie
Had sex with the nation’s top spy.
It became quite a scandal,
More than he could handle,
When he was busted by the FBI.
In honor of Valentine’s day,
I told my dear wife I am gay.
It came as a shock,
But she tore of her frock,
And said, Who cares, let’s have sex anyway!
A fellow was wearing a tie:
Very long, it ran down to his fly.
Ask him why he just sighs
And then gently replies,
“Comes in handy, to wipe her mouth dry.”
A fellow was wearing a tie.
Is it OK if I call him Sy?
His real name is Sid
But you know if I did
The rhyming police would stop by.
A dancer liked wearing his tie
In place of a belt; that’s no lie.
Fred Astaire was his name
And he’d probably claim
That it helped keep his pants up sky-high.
He wasn’t seen much in a tie
JDS (R.I.P) was so shy
Still the Glasses live on
(Except Seymour, who’s gone)
And the Catcher remains in the Rye.
Fair Phyllis was wearing a tie
Alone on a mountain so high
A long way from Rome
but she knew she’d get home
As Qantas would surely drop by.
Whether simple or bursting with frills,
Hope your Valentine frolic fulfills
Each libidinous want;
If it doesn’t, come haunt
Mad Kane’s blog for vicarious thrills.
I’m haunting the blog with the frills
Searching for Valentine thrills
Where’s that handsome guy
With a gleam in his eye???
The anticipation just kills.
A knot theorist couldn’t quite tie
The loose ends on his theory of why
He could grasp tangled links,
Four-dimensional kinks,
But a shoelace was pi in the sky.
It’s good to be “state-of-the-art”,
But beautiful roses apart,
One thought makes me shiver:
Why poison one’s liver
With junks of your chocolate heart?
A miniscule man (real name Nate)
Met Val, his enormous blind date.
No one’s love is as shiny
As ol’ Val and Tiny –
Each year we acknowledge their fate.
Happy Val and Tiny’s Day to my very tall wife, Val.
A kangaroo in a bow tie
Was pestering a man passing by.
So he said with a frown
” Will you tie that thing down
Or you’ll get a meat pie in the eye!”
Got a perm from my hairdresser, Ty.
And as we were saying good-bye,
I asked if he might
Make the next one less tight.
He said no, because “Big Curls Don’t Dry.”
(Some might call foul, but my wife’s hairdresser really is named Ty, so there.)
Those cyclists each wearing a tie
After Craig’s house came skeltering by
One said “I’m appalled
At the last place we called
A flasher said “f#$*K off and fly”
So when you are wearing a tie
Don’t visit Craig D , Sue or I
We are busy as Hell
And we’re all doing well
We have other big fish to fry.
“Hey, Squeeze, can you cinch up my tie?”
Says a guy whose two hands won’t comply.
“Why, Hon, never think
I could pass on such kink!
How’s this knot?” says the hangman. “Goodbye!”
Those gentlemen each in a tie
Were just something different say I
One Witness, One Mormon
Door to Door stormin’
Ecumenically splitting the pie.
A man who wore a coat and tie
got so hot he wanted to sigh,
but it’s a power thing ya’ know
a uniform, an image to show
he’s the boss, that’s his armor do or die
A fellow doffed jacket and tie
To give cleaning a clogged pipe a try.
But he fibbed to his spouse:
“We’ve no Drano in-house!”
It was clearly a little white lye.
Ahoy, all ye valentines! Note:
Long distance relation-ships float!
No undoing your knots
Provided you’ve lots
Of clear sailing ‘tween set and remote.
I don’t have a valentine card
Though I searched on the whole boulevard.
There were none on the shelf
So I wrote this myself
And I’m hoping I won’t be dis-bard.
Enjoy, Dear, this valentine card
And the fact I don’t cite Kierkegaarde.
I hope you don’t laugh
But I drew a giraffe
Now let’s neck like a camelopard.
Are you sure a camelopard necks?
And how would they be having sex?
I think Val’s Day’s over
It’s time to roll over
With a good cuppa tea and a Bex.
A man who was wearing a tie
Incited a hue & a cry
When, aside from his hat
And his purple cravat,
He was nakedly ambling by.
A man who was wearing a tie,
And whose business card read “FBI”,
Took a sheet from a file
And said to me: “I’ll
Have to ask what you’re doing, and why.”
A man who was wearing a tie
Found it hard to explain to us why,
After mortgage loan fraud,
It doesn’t look odd
They can’t find a banker to try.
A man who was wearing a tie
Said “I’m only a regular guy
Who used to be retro
But now has gone metro,
With help from the men of ‘Queer Eye’.”
A man who was wearing a tie
Remarked, with a gleam in his eye:
“Although I’m well-dressed,
I’m not as repressed
As these regiment stripes would imply.”
Said a banker: “We’re looking to tie
The credit for which you apply
To products with fees.”
Said I: “If you please,
Your proposal may fail to comply.”
Thanks so much everyone for your fun limericks! This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Congratulations to the Limerick of the Week Winner, the Special Valentine’s Day-Themed Limerick Award Winner, the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award Winner, and the Honorable Mention Winners: Limerick of the Week 101.
But you can still have lots of Limerick-Off fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: The Role of Limericks.