Hall Of Limericks (Limerick-Off Monday)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 11:59 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:
A fellow stepped into the hall…*
or
A woman stepped into the hall…*
or
A fellow was trying to haul…*
or
A woman was trying to haul…*
*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)
Here’s my limerick:
Hall of Limericks
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A woman stepped into the hall
And bawled, “This is terribly small!”
She’d been hoping to wed
In a “palace” instead.
But her budget kept hitting a wall.
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Budget Humor, Competition Limerick, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Marriage Verse, Money & Finance Humor, Poetry & Prompts, Wedding Limerick, Writing Prompts
A fellow stepped into the hall
Couldn’t help being enthralled
At their best
For the fest
They were all there having a ball
Hank
A woman stepped into the hall
And when her towel slipped took a fall;
Guests let themselves in
To see, with a grin,
That she was displaying her all.
A fellow stepped into the hall
When the bell hauled him from Nature’s call –
His internal squeaks
Solicited shrieks
And the stench was enough to appal!
A fellow stepped into the hall,
(Carnegie it was) to enthrall
A full house – what a night!
Till that demon: ‘stage fright’.
For your refunds, please give us a call …
A fellow was trying to haul
A big TV out of the mall.
But bad was his luck.
Stepped on a toddler’s truck.
Hospitalized, trying to make sense of it all.
A fellow schlepped home with a haul
Of holiday gifts from the mall
The bills came through later
Now he and his mate are
Still paying it off through next fall
A fellow stepped into the hall
with one foot kicking a ball
with the other he danced
full of romance
waving a handknitted shawl
A fellow stepped into the hall
After reading the writing on the wall
Confused by sit on it
As he too a shit
How else can you answer natures call
A fellow stepped into the hall
Effects of Cialis clear to all
He began to sway
And soon lost his way
Left his mistress waiting to ball.
A woman stepped into the hall
With spiked heels and suffered a fall
Completely undressed
And highly distressed
Needing ice for her double highball.
.
A woman stepped into the hall
Tripped over a guy legs asprawl
To her pleasant distraction
He was ready action
Her yearnings she could not forestall.
A fellow stepped into the hall
In order to answer a call,
And when he hung up
He mishandled his cup
But saved face and reentered the ball.
A burglar quite proud of his haul,
Rushed home to show off to his moll,
The cops nailed his ass,
But then showing some class,
Allowed him his one legal call.
A Beauty stepped into the hall
To steal Prince’s heart at the ball.
But by the clock worried
She suddenly hurried
And left no glass slipper at all!
Adult only version:
A Beauty stepped into the hall
To steal Prince’s heart at the ball.
But by his cock worried
She suddenly hurried
And left no glass slipper at all!
Going up the steps I took a fall
with luck grabbed the rail and after all
only whacked my head, and banged up my right shoulder
not sure what happened, can’t be just getting older
must quit rushin’, pick up my feet and accept it as a wake up call
Larry Craig entered Congress’s hall
Backing right-wing designs above all.
But it stopped his advance
When he took a wide stance.
His career then went into a stall.
After miles of an endless straight hall,
We started to stagger and stall.
Sure, our hotel was grand,
But much larger than planned.
In Vegas, next time we’ll go small.
A fellow stepped into the hall
Of his condo to “Answer the Call,”
When from the next room,
He heard Bride yell at Groom
“Please don’t tell me you’re always this small.”
A fellow stepped into the hall.
His cell phone had rung; it was Paul.
“I am running quite late.
Do you think you can wait?”
“I’ll do what you say; it’s your call.”
Into court one sad day they do haul
A burlesque queen who’s really a doll.
When she asks, “What’s the charge?”
She finds out, by and large,
She’s arrested for no gauze at all.
A well hung fellow stepped into the hall
To attend the Fancy Dress Ball
In a barrow his pecker
And sign: WHELAN THE WRECKER
Delighting the crowd one and all.
A woman stepped into the hall
Of mirrors at the carnival
Though contorted, warped and skewed
She sure enjoyed what she viewed
They made her look skinny and tall.
Cinderella stepped into the hall
From a Pumpkin coach into the ball
Danced with the prince;
Made stepsisters wince
To feel like nags left in the stall
A fellow stepped into the hall,
And noted the ceiling and wall,
Missing plaster and lath,
The stage, far from first class,
His show biz career in free fall
A woman stepped into the holl-er
A classic’ly trained square dance call-er
She plays Ludwig Van
And says “Left Allemande”
With the chance that the dancers might Mahl-er
When Ms Clinton stepped into the hall
“You’d be fired by me” said Rand Paul
Hear the Oz lion sing
“If I’d only been king”
Is that pride going before the fall?
I’ve a lesbian friend down the hall
Always sets herself up for a fall
By the end of each date
All her junk’s in a crate
And her bed’s loaded in the U-Haul
This woman, said host Monty Hall,
can choose a door and win it all.
But her choice was so bad
that even her dad
watching at home just started to bawl.
A woman was proud of her haul;
All those savings today at the mall.
But to really save money,
It’s effortless honey,
Stay home and buy nothing at all.
An odd fellow was trying to haul
Giant penis and cubical ball
Into his bus
With mimimum of fuss
If you’d like to help give him a call
A lady stepped into the hall
Dressed up for a most fancy ball
She wore satin and lace
And a radiant face
All heads turned and said,”what a doll.”
Wow! I wrote a limerick without being crude.
[My wife says “it’s about damn time.”]
Her poor ex stepped into the hall
And said, “My dear, you’ve got some gall.
You’ve found a new groom
Inside a chat room
And want me to pay for the ball.”
A fellow was trying to haul
His inhibitions, one and all,
Away to the grave,
So he could be brave
And have sex right there in the mall.
An Eye Doctor stepped into the hall
To attend the Optometrists Ball
Someone in the throng
Said the name was too long
So they voted, now it’s The Eye Ball.
A cockatoo that flew into the hall
Had a vocabulary beating them all
He could deliver a sermon
Speak fluent german
And swear with a deep southern drawl
A woman stepped into the hall
Yelling for—we don’t know at all
Her dire situation
Got lost in translation
She had such a strong Southern drawl
a fellow stepped into the hall
walking, he no longer crawled,
out on his own
to make his own home
some would call this evolved…
ha
A prince stepped out into the hall.
he was leaving a very big ball.
He carried her slipper
that fell when he tripped her.
To return it, he must not forestall.
for pic and audio please see Cinderella Limerick
False Love
A fellow was trying to haul
his girlfriend away from the Mall
when out of the blue
he knew what was true:
She wasn’t for him after all!
Richard Gardiner
Potter Valley, Mendocino County, Calif.
A woman was trying to haul
all the crap she bought at the mall.
When her spouse told her, “No way!
Bring it all back today,”
she broke down and started to bawl.
A woman traipsed into the hall;
Just wearing a tight-fitting caul.
She was sporting her self
No, not anything else.
Said she, “What’s the fuss with you all?’
Potter Valley, Mendocino County, Calif.
A woman stepped into the hall
With bulb on her hand to install
A light for a friend,
Nor did she intend
It guiding the guy who robbed all.
I’m impressed with your 50th Birthday haul
Especially that hand woven shawl
Looks formal, yet sporty
Probably cost more than forty
And will protect you in case of a squall.
Lance Armstrong kept touting his haul:
Seven Tour de France trophies in all!
His deceit was so bold
He might even have told
Us a lie about having one ball.
A mother steps out in the hall
As she breast-feeds her teenager Paul.
Well aware of the glares
And disparaging stares,
She declares, “Hey, you can’t wean ’em all!”
The mayor was out in the hall
Getting high on his back by the wall.
“To judge from his manner,”
suggested the planner,
“He won’t try to stop herb-and-sprawl.”
After playing in Carnegie Hall,
Mary Travers gets caught in a brawl
When her manager cheats
With the evening’s receipts,
Robbing Peter to pay only Paul.
A geezer has rented a hall
For his birthday–his hundredth–this fall.
Would a lady perchance
Care to come to the dance
And enjoy a centennial ball?
If a specter is haunting your hall
Or a wraith has you climbing the wall,
There’s a Ghostbuster crew
With a liquified goo
That will dampen your spirits—just call!
Our baby now crawls in the hall,
Where before he’d just eat, poop, and bawl.
He motors with ease
On his hands and his knees
But, like Roombas, he sometimes will stall.
When women come home with a haul
Of merchandise bought at the mall
After hours of shopping
Without even dropping,
They’re heeding buyology’s call.
A chorine who performs in a hall
In Paree has no booty at all.
She’s a kicking machine
And a dancer who’s lean.
(In the can can, your can can be small.)
The peeling of paint in the hall
Is so ghastly my skin starts to crawl
As I stop to consider
I went with the bidder
Whose price was the highest of all.
An apostle stands up in the hall
With a bulge that’s apparent to all.
Says one woman in shock, “It
Appears in your pocket
You’ve got an epistle, St. Paul!”
The contractor enters the hall
With a message that’s sure to enthrall
Every man in the crew
Seeking work on Phase II
Of the plaza: “We CAN twin the mall.”
What’s the deal with Arsenio Hall?
Had a show on TV, I recall.
But of late nothing big–
One “celebrity” gig
As The Donald’s apprentice–that’s all.
Said the doc, “It’s your tear glands, Miss Hall.
They won’t turn themselves off. Still and all,
With your dacryorrhea,
We’re likely to see a
New belle of the debutante bawl.”
As I read through my limerick haul,
A few tears of remorse start to fall.
What a tasteless display
Of poetics, you say?
I’m repenting by having a bawl!
“I’m sorry, you can’t dodge my hall,”
Said the emperor Shah Jahan, “All
Those who pass by this house
Must revere my dead spouse
And admire the gardens and mall.”
Humpty Dumpty is mindful to haul
Autumn leaves to the base of the wall
Where he’s planning to sit
All September–to wit,
He’s preparing to have a great fall.
Jacob Lew: As you struggle to haul
Up Everest a sizeable ball
Of dollars you stole,
Take care they don’t roll
Into China instead of Nepal.
A woman stepped into the hall
On her way to the newspaper ball.
Her bustline gave head-
lines to undersized thread
Lines that advertised “Come one, come all.”
At a Fancy Dress Ball in the hall
He displayed his bright ribboned left ball
When the judge asked this gent
What did he represent
He said, “I AM The Fancy Dressed Ball.”
A Dutch Company demolishing a hall
Met a guy with gigantic balls
So these Master Builders
Offered hundreds of gilders
If he’d swing’em and knock down a wall
An old hooker tripped up in the hall
Crushing boobs against a brick wall
This made her squeal
But had they been real
I’m sure she’d have screamed, “Fuck it all”
A women stepped into the hall
And that, faithful readers, is all.
That woman will always
Be stuck in the hallways
And wondering whom she should call.
A beauty waltzed into the ball.
No clothing, no nada at all.
With skin oh so fair,
but “buyer beware”!
At three that’s too young for a fall.
Potter Valley, Mendocino County, Calif.
A woman stepped into the hall.
Now this lim’rick’s beginning to stall.
She should have pranced out
With a leer and a shout
And of course wearing nothing at all.
A woman stepped into a hall
Where some Vikings were having a brawl.
She said, “Oh, what the hell
I’m in some parallel
Universe (or the third part of Gaul).
A woman was trying to haul
Her fifteen stone child off to school
But he dug in his toes
Citing bullying woes
And the power of peer ridicule.
A woman was trying to haul
Her petulant child off to school
‘Oh, but mother!’ he wailed
I would rather be jailed
With a man-eating tiger from Seoul!’
A woman stepped into a hall
And instantly started to scrawl
A Bunch of graffiti
None of which was too witty
And none of it funny at all.
A fellow was trying to haul
His possessions and worldly goods, all.
Get a U-haul, said Sy.
No, YOU haul, said I
(Aren’t you glad that a lim’rick is small?)
A woman stepped into the hall
Delighting us with a pratfall
Where she landed, alas,
Not on her soft ass
But a hard rocky place in Nepal.
A woman stepped into the hall…
This doesn’t sound funny at all.
Would it help if I added…
Don’t bother, it’s bad, Ed,
Don’t rhyme before you can crawl.
From Patience:
A woman stepped into a hall
where a spider was having a crawl,
Then quite on the sly
She tossed him a fly,
At least one of them’s having a ball.
And The Prodigal:
A fella stepped into a hall
After gazing at his crystal ball,
In the mirror a glance
To assure a romance,
His reflection, even him, did appal.
A poet stepped into the hall
And there was Chris Doyle–what gall!
Would you please take your ditties
To far distant cities
There’s not enough rhymes for us all.
From Patience;
A woman was trying to haul
A bucket of coal in her shawl,
“It’s heavy” she said,
But my hair was too red,
And the hairdresser’s fee isn’t small.
and The Prodigal:
A fella was trying to haul
a conversion to his pal St. Paul,
On the road to Damascus
For help he did ask us,
We told him to shag off and crawl!
A poet stepped into the hall
Where Chris Doyle was having a ball
Though he was bereft one
He still had the left one
Which is better than no balls at all.
Of Fame, he stepped into the Hall.
Of fire, they thought him a ball.
Whatever the reason
He excels in the season
Of Summer, of Autumn, of Fall.
“I am here for the long,” said he, “hall.”
It’s a pun. Do you get it? That’s all.
This verse is no killer.
The rest is just filler.
And I’m full of it as you recall.
An uncouth guy strode into the hall
Exposing his pecker to all
Then he shit in the sink
Pissed in somebody’s drink
In fact he’d no scruples at all
An actor named Michael. C. Hall
Gives a killer named “Dexter” his all
He’s murdered, with reasons,
For seven whole seasons,
He works at a big chopping maul…
Sarah P, as you exit the hall,
Amidst cold winter winds, we recall,
Though elected, you bailed,
And each gig since has failed,
You’ve held on to one crown: Queen of Gall.
They told me, “Go stand in the hall”
For having the nerve and the gall
To try to match wits
With the master when it’s
Just riding (not far) for a fall.
A fellow was trying to haul
Nicotine through a cement wall
Which seemed really hard
’til he heard a guard
Yell, “Cockroach!”, run fast, then fall.
Inspired by this Mental Floss article.
As Mule Sal was attempting to haul
A long barge through a frightful night squall,
An old song gave her smiles
For about fifteen miles
And it rendered the eerie banal.
A female Rep stepped into the hall
To attend a birth control ball
In her handbag were Pessaries
And all sorts of Accessories
One condom she sold that was all.
Two hipsters stepped into a hall
And danced like a—whaddya call—
A swingin’ safari?
A bop Mata Hari?
No, more like a socket and ball.
I stand on my own in the hall
I just have no money at all
Am down on my luck
“Canya lend me a buck?”
Like Humpty I’ve had a great fall.
A fellow stepped into the hall
And was told his endowment was small.
I can use in a pinch
Even one extra inch
So thank you, Chris Doyle, and all.
A woman who entered the hall
Was feeling incredibly small
The bottle said ‘drink’
And before she could think
She had grown over seven feet tall.
A fellow stepped into the hall
and said: “Am I late for the ball?
“I was hired as the stripper,
but have mislaid my slipper!”
Then provocatively shimmied his all.
A peanut came into the hall
When I hailed him I saw his face fall
He then started to mutter
“I’m not peanut butter
I’ve just been a’salted’ That’s all”
A bank-robber had a huge haul
When he blew up the safe in the wall
But we have to excuse
The length of his fuse
Since it backfired and blew off his “all”.
A woman stepped into the hall.
Indeed it was Lauren Bacall.
She said if you whistle
Be rest assured this’ll
Be not heard by me, not at all.
A pirate, quite pleased with his haul,
To his lady let out a great bawl:
“Me thirst I must quench!
Go fetch me grog, wench!”
Arrrr, matey! That kicked off a squall!
A young lady stepped into the hall
With naught but a towel – much too small
She valiantly tried
Her assets to hide
But the bellboy never forgot what he saw!
When a scholar who dwelled in a hall
Of academe started to ball
All her colleagues, the fruit
Brought her widespread repute
As lead author ahead of “et al.”
The batter was ready to haul
Off and blast the poor ump for his call.
Said the ump, “Scratching’s fine
But you crossed a fine line—
Fair to say that you hit a foul ball.”
A fellow stepped into the hall
‘tween the bed and the head on the yawl
And then grinning he swore
“I’ve been blown offshore
And my mast is beginning to fall”
A feller was fixin ta haul
His ramshackle wreck to St. Paul
The dad-burned directions
Shore had imperfections
He purt near drove by Montreal
A fellow stepped into the hall
First he wept, then he started to bawl
There’s Liz Lemon and Jack
Tracy Morgan and Krak
He had just said good bye to them all
A Nerd hired a large empty hall
And inside constructed a Yawl
Took 10 years but no notion
Of a trial in the ocean
Which he’d given no thought to at all.
A woman stepped into the hall
Where a 7-foot man bounced a ball.
She said, “I can’t quibble
With the way that you dribble,
But I really don’t like you, a tall.”
Sorry to Edmund Conti
That 7 foot man in the hall
Dribbling a big rubber ball
Bent over and tossed it
Unluckily lost it
So now he has no balls at all.
Last October they entered the hall;
In debate, B’rack and Mitt gave their all.
Now which one was Humpty?
And which one was Dumpty?
And whose was the greater of fall?
A fellow stepped into the hall.
Of a school for the chronically small.
But he had to stoop,
His bald head to droop.
‘Cause the ceiling was not too tall.
Ann Martin stepped into the hall
Which made us all try to forestall
Her lessons in Latin
(She’s throwing her hat in)
Not to mention trisecting old Gaul.
“I’m in this thing for the LONG HAUL…”
Said her prince on her seventh close call.
But a wee bit less firm
Were his jump-the-gun sperm
(Around three hundred million in all.)
A fellow stepped into the hall
To answer a telephone call,
And encountered a crowd
Conversing aloud
On cellular phones, wall to wall.
There once was a fellow named Hall,
Who couldn’t write cursive at all.
When invited to sign
On the signature line,
He would scratch an inscrutable scrawl.
Said a corpulent fellow named Hall,
Who was portlier than he was tall:
“It’s a myst’ry to me
How I came by E.D.;
In fact, I can’t grasp it at all.”
Said a truck-driving fellow names Hall,
Who got lost on the way to the mall:
“Though I carry a load,
The traffic has slowed
And there’s no way to answer ‘the call.'”
To her daughter explained Mrs. Hall,
Who saw what was writ on the wall:
“It’s good to have fun,
But you walk ‘fore you run,
And before you can walk you must crawl.”
One evening at Carnegie Hall
The audience came to a brawl,
When a musical fellow
Sang out from his cello:
“Yo! Hands in the air now, y’all!”
In response to some very funny latin limerick banter …
If’n y’all would step into the hall
This here feudin’ we jes might forestall
Ain’t rightly my bidness
But this pro and quid-ness
Is too high-falutin, by gall
A lim’rick-off win’s quite a haul,
But my motive is less to enthrall
Than (forgive me the boast)
So our host will not post
Yet another H-M on my wall!
Twin Citizens struggling to haul
Some crabapples went at a crawl,
When one had a hatch:
“Let’s play pitch and catch!”
“You fool—mini apples ain’t ball!”
A kitty crept out in the hall
Confining itself to a crawl.
There, according to script
Crept into a crypt,
Crapped and crept out. That is all.
An elderly bride in the hall
Married “Stretchy Tri-testicle Saul.”
’Twas her last day — they say
One went down the wrong way;
Well, at least she died having a ball.
A fellow announced in the hall
I can spell “Madeleine” which is all
I can honestly claim.
If you’re looking for fame
Dial Doyle, done deal and droll.
A woman was trying to haul
Bundles and bags from the mall
She slipped on the ice
And spun around twice
But, an’ ass grabbing gent broke her fall.
For Mad and her limerisistas
I’m a Newbie who joined in this hall
penning lim-ricks for Maddie an’ y’all.
But they weren’t so hard
though not up to the Bard.
Now I know I am caught in your thrall.
As I stand here alone in this hall —
Not of fame but of shame — I bid all
Of you bright stars adieu
And apologize too
If I nailed anyone to the wall.
As I sit here and stare at the wall
I feel like I’m stuck in a stall
A blank page for my rhyme
But I’m just wasting time!
So I’ll leave. See ya later, y’all!
Bradley Manning–1000 days in his “stall,”
When he shouldn’t have been there at all.
Transparency and truth are the key
If we want a free democracy!
We could fly so, please, why must we crawl?
Hope Springs Eternal
This Richard was hoping to haul
the grand prize away from you all.
“Best of luck for his efforts,”
so said most of the experts.
’Twas they who knew nothing at all.
The queen asked the mirr’r in the hall:
“Who’s really the fairest of all?”
Said the glass: “Just reflect.
Don’t care how you’re bedecked:
Snow White’s a lot fair’r than y’all!”
Queen (for a day) of the Mountain
Johanna just quipped in this brawl:
and bragged she was top of them all.
She was summa cum laude
over all of the rowdies.
Thus setting her up for a fall.
Thanks so much everyone for your fun limericks! This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Congratulations to the Limerick of the Week Winner, the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award Winner, and the Honorable Mention Winners! Limerick of the Week 99.
But don’t worry. You can still have limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Canned Limerick.