Coming Clean About Limericks (Limerick-Off Monday)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 11:59 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:
A fellow had planned to come clean…*
or
A fellow who hated to clean…*
or
A woman had planned to come clean…*
or
A woman who hated to clean…*
*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)
Here’s my limerick:
Coming Clean About Limericks
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A fellow had planned to come clean
About actions he knew were obscene,
Till he noticed the knife
In the hand of his wife,
Well positioned for venting his spleen.
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Cleanliness Humor, Coming Clean, Competition Limerick, Honesty Humor, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Marriage Humor, Poetry & Prompts, Relationship Humor, Violence Limerick, Writing Prompts
A fellow had planned to come clean
To his son, speaking like a machine
He said “Luke, I’m your father
I hope it’s no bother
I guess though, you’ll make a big scene
Hubby had planned to come clean,
But his wife was being horribly mean.
Since you don’t want to hear,
I’ll just go have a beer,
And leave you in-charge of this scene.
A fellow had planned to come clean
On his exploits, facts his wife gleaned
Just too late
It was his fate
Left high and dry, now just a has-been
Hank
A fellow had planned to come clean
By being with Oprah on screen
This arrogant prick
Just made us feel sick
He’s “Winning”…just like Charlie Sheen
A fellow had planned to come clean,
When by GI doctor was seen,
Spent all day on the pot,
With results not hot,
That screwed up colonoscope screen.
A woman had planned to come clean
Instead she created a scene
Her message backfired
Not what she desired
And the language she used was obscene
A fellow had planned to come clean
In the shower (you know what I mean?).
But found when he came
It was more of the same.
The same act, the same cast, different scene.
A fellow had planned to come clean
Bought a fresh pack of condoms, in green
Cuz the old ones he’d used
Left his girlfriend confused
About where that danged thing had been
A fellow had planned to come clean
For a liberal whose first name was Gene
He stopped being swarthy
For Mr. McCarthy
Ah, the ’68 political scene!
Lance Armstrong had planned to come clean
But with Oprah no tears have we seen
Guess ’twas not his intent
To mourn or repent
But only to not make a scene
A woman had planned to come clean
On behavior she knew was quite mean
She slept round galore
Well past four score
Then said “screw it this fun is too keen.”
A fellow had planned to come clean
Of his sexual addiction supreme
But soon he’d discover
There under the cover
Was his wife with the other fifteen.
As a husband tried hard to come clean,
His wife turned a pale livid green:
“She’s how old you say,
You are ancient and gray!”
Well I think she’s at least seventeen.
Once caught yes he finally came clean,
And revealed all the crimes he had seen.
A stew of deceit,
Caused Nixon’s defeat.
The Nation should thank you, John Dean.
A woman who hated to clean
Was caught in a washing machine
It went into SPIN
And she was sucked in
Saying “Oh what a fast moving scene!”
When a woman had planned to come clean
Re liaison with her new voisine
Her man said I surmise
You should open your eyes
Before you fall in the latrine.
A fellow who planned to come clean
About his dirty movie scene
Changed his mind
When he saw his behind
Was plastered on ads for jellybeans
fellow had planned to come clean,
from the greatest addiction he’d seen,
but succumbed to the hook,
of rhyme and Facebook,
and here I am back at the screen.
A housemaid who hated to clean
Spoke of the places she’d been
“I’ve polished the chalice
In Buckingham Palace
For Phillip and also the Queen”
A lady had planned to come clean
For having black-washed her own Queen.
The King who was baffled
Prepared her a scaffold –
She had to escape through latrine.
A student who sort of came clean
About cheating in Stats told the dean:
“We ALL cheat, you know,
So my test answers show
That extremes will regress to the mean.”
Said a fellow who hated to clean
The gunk off his new guillotine,
“It’s a pain in the neck
Cleaning all of this dreck
Just to peel one small tangerine.”
To a fellow who planned to come clean
Re a small minor crime as a teen
I would ask this of him
“Does the statute of lim-
itations apply to that scene?”
Said a fellow who hated to clean
All his teeth and the spaces between,
“My life’s such a rush
That I’ve no time to brush.”
His do-list says Buy Listerine.
A fellow had planned to come clean
About his affair with Maureen.
He thought he’s confess
How he made her undress
And how it involved vaseline.
A fellow had planned to come clean
when his sweetie arrived on the scene
But he fell for Inga
who was quite the swinga
with him, Dr. Frahnk-en-steen.
A woman had planned to come clean
about all the men she had seen.
Her hubby got wise
about all those guys
and now there’s a lawyer on scene.
A farm-hand who’d planned to come clean
Just as soon as he’d managed to wean,
Said, “Too late, now I’m creamed,”
When the farmer’s wife screamed,
“Oh my god, not the milking machine!!”
A woman who hated to clean
Checked the room of her typical teen,
Where she found seven plates,
Peanuts, walnuts, and dates,
And some ham, biologically green.
A farmer who planned to come clean
Of his satyr life (Spoiler: obscene)
Merely wanted to note
That he birthed no goat
“I haven’t the yen yet to yean.”
New Year’s Day, Eddie planned to come clean
From addictions like tar, nicotine,
Uppers, Vicodin, speed,
Downers, acid, and weed
Always washed down with too much caffeine.
A fellow who paused to come clean
With a shower, was called by Colleen:
“Only three times sounds funny.
You coming back, Honey?”
“I need to spruce up muh… muh sheen.”
A gal thought it wise to come clean
With the truth to men she had seen:
“I’ll say Yes but—don’t hate me—
The best way to date me
Is to measure my carbon 14.”
I just logged on for the first time today and haven’t even begun to think of limericks, but is it possible for anyone to equal the one you wrote? I’m still laughing!
a few seconds ago
A woman who hated to clean
Buffed the floor to a very high sheen
On the surface like glass
She slipped on her arse
And said “Help me, I ‘ve ruptured my spleen”.
this is blogged at A Woman Who Hated To Clean.
A woman who hated to clean
Thought it was terribly mean
Of dust to collect
Where eyes would inspect
So she put everything in polythene
An actress required him clean,
Before she’d consider that scene,
Where they’d roll in the hay
For some naked hot play,
Once assured it was thoroughly green.
Under oath, Clinton finally came clean
‘Bout that whole infidelity scene.
What doesn’t compute?
Hypocrites such as Newt
For whom office affairs were routine.
I’m dreading that hour I must clean
My recently egged front door screen
Cheeky kids in the night
Mixed the yolk with the white
And left me to regret Halloween.
A fellow had planned to come clean
About robberies made as a teen
Got as far as the station
Then without hesitation
Ran home without making a scene
A fellow had planned to come clean
To explain his bicycling scene
Tricked a bad urine test
‘Cause yellow jerseys are the best!
The spinning begins to careen.
A fellow who hated to clean
Has created a washing routine
Now he schedules each bath
Using log’rithmic math
So they’re fewer and farther between
A woman had planned to come clean
But in Smithers, just making the scene
She was randy and lonely
And so she not only
Got drunk, she blew two Smithereens
A kitten who hated to clean
His fur, was repeatedly seen
Almost black from the scuttle
Which would brook no rebuttal
When his Ma said ‘I know where you’ve been!’
Al decided he had to come clean
and truly to make his life green.
But without carbon dodges
he went for massages–
The masseuse said -get rubbed by machine!
A woman who hated to clean
Lived with a man who thought it obscene
He bought her a mop
But that was a flop
So he tried a washing machine.
It still remains to be seen–
What she says does Madeleine mean.
Surely, folks, I would love the
Further tales here of the
Noted woman who hated to clean.
a fellow who hated to clean
got caught up once in a moon beam
and he tried to scrub
all the yellow color off
but no success could be seen
A fellow began to come clean
On the things he had done and had seen,
But his crimes were extensive,
Which made him defensive,
“At least I have never been mean!”
A woman who hated to clean
loved instead to live life, not be mean
a few bits of dust
wipe ‘em up if you must
I’m made to laugh, I’m not a machine!
A fellow who hated to clean
Was thought to be lazy and mean
But no, they were wrong
His determination, too strong
And thus he invented the washing machine.
A fellow who hated to clean
Tried to fashion a cleaning machine.
When he flipped the thing’s switch,
He encountered a glitch.
What ensued would be viewed as obscene.
A fellow who planned to come clean
On his role with the mujahideen,
Changed his mind when his friends
Said he must make amends.
After that, they were not heard or seen.
A pusher who planned to come clean
felt a dull ache in his duodene.
His crooked old quack
took a toke of his crack
and handed him back glycerine.
A woman who hated to clean
Saw all food in her fridge turn to green
She left open the door
And it crawled ‘cross the floor
Then away never more to be seen.
A young fellow didn’t come clean
To his mom about where he’d been:
Down to the garden,
All over the yard ’n
The evidence showed on his jeans!
I can’t get my daughter to clean
How typical is that at fourteen?
Clothes strewn on the floor
Think I’ll just shut the door
I’m better off leaving it unseen.
With calories she is destined to come clean
That culinary host Paula Deen
If her blood sugar starts spiking
And it’s not to her liking
She might resort to the humble black bean.
Inauguration Day
A president chose to come clean
In a red, white and very blue scene,
And the subtext was this:
Here’s my rear for a kiss,
GOP, if you think I’m still green.
A soldier who hated to clean
Went to war with a dirty canteen.
Cuz the water ingested
Was microbe infested,
He’s venting much more than his spleen.
A suspect had planned to come clean
Re: the evidence found at the scene
His lawyer urged silence
Concerning the violence
CSI then, the facts had to glean.
A comedian planned to come clean
In his stand-up. “My future routine
Won’t have cussing from me
‘Cause my humor,” said he,
“Unlike kids, should be heard, not obscene.”
An old fellow who was’nt too clean
Had false teeth a nice shade of green
Through some misadventure
He’d lost his old denture
And found these laying in a latrine
A Geisha who planned to come clean
Spoke behind an ornate silken screen
“Though my assets aren’t real
You can still have a feel
As long as you won’t be too mean”.
A fellow who likes to come clean
Stuffs himself in the washing machine
He plays with his parts
‘Til the rinse cycle starts
Gets his wish, if you know what I mean
A contest with limericks to be clean
seems rare from what I’ve seen
with sex and innuendoes
who knows where the mind goes
and leaves the spoils to those obscene
A fellow had planned to come clean
so he went to the TV screen
admitting a character flaw
he said,”Aw shucks, I guess to y’all
leveling the playing field 7 times was a bit extreem.”
Take 2
A farm-hand who planned to come clean
Met an end perhaps not unforeseen:
Got his dairy-air licked
By Elsie and kicked
By Bathsheba, the milking machine.
When he told her he wished to come clean,
Simone, the fellatio queen,
Said, “Jeepers, by golly
Might you have a lolly?”
He obliged. To correct would be mean.
Said a fellow who hated to clean,
“I think GALS have a house-cleaning gene
That is lacking in MEN
And I’m sorry, but then
With genetics one can’t contravene!”
The farmhand who had to come clean
Had a brain like a pea (which is green)
But I just didn’t know
What was told us by Jo
Until Steve showed me what it DID mean.
a fellow had planned to come clean
his record was not so pristine
out came it all
each little flaw
in the backseat he was last seen
A fellow who hated to clean
Had a sink that looked quite obscene
Piled high with soiled plates,
Forks, knives, and spoon mates
He was forced to seek outside cuisine
——————————
A woman who planned to come clean
Was fearful her husband would scream
At her numerous trysts
And calling it quits
Would reduce her to canned pork and beans
—————————–
A fellow who hated to clean
Had a fridge much less than pristine
It went on the fritz
Left him to eat bits
Of green eggs and ham, know what I mean?
In the confessional he’d planned to come clean
About the shagging of twins 19
And the Priest said, “Old son,
With the address of just one
Your absolved, if you get what I mean.”
A fellow had planned to come clean
On how he had used the tureen,
But when doggy poop
Was found in the soup
He hastily quitted the scene.
A young actress who wished to be “clean”
Was embarrassed to read on the screen
That it rated an X
Just because she had sex
In a scene that was seen as obscene!
A dumb blonde planned to be clean
By filling her bath with cream
Said the Milkman surprised,
“Do you want it Pasteurised”?
“No! Just up to my boobs would be keen.”
A fellow had planned to come clean
Explaining the meaning of “mean”
it’s not a deep riddle
Just thing in the middle
That number that’s there in between.
A fellow had planned to come clean.
His envy was turning him green.
I want all you own
I want your iPhone
But mostly your age–seventeen!
I’m sorry, Mad, I forgot to cross post!
I confess, I hate having to clean
I find things to avoid it- I mean,
what’s the point, scrub and then
The dirt’s right back again
Thus our home’s not exactly pristine.
The carpet stains just won’t come out
It’s dirty, seeds planted might sprout
Dust bunnies are high
Watch them multiply
‘Pledge?’ Let the dust settle…about.
For years we were so into ‘clean’
But we now hit the dirt- it’s obscene
I once lived in great fear
That our friends would come here
I solved that with a sign: QUARANTINE
Truth be told, it’s past time to purge
Mad’s limerick created the urge
Yes, it’s time to come clean
After facebook, I mean,
and email-Tomorrow I’ll emerge.
Cinderella who hated to clean
Her Step Mother’s dirty cuisine
Said “Let the two ugly Sisters
Get some of my blisters
While I see if Prince Charming’s still keen”
When in New York I wanted to clean
Out the basement for good old Filene
So I blew out my stash
Of savings and cash
And from now on I have to live lean.
A chap who was freakishly clean
Scrubbed his butt to a high glossy sheen.
He went out in the sun
Where he mooned everyone
Causing blindness to all. Now that’s mean
A hooker planned to come clean
On a quiz form at question 14
That asked what her left knee
Might say to her right knee
Answer: Nothing! They never convene.
Mother Bear said to Father “Come clean”
As she pointed to the couch velveteen
“You’ve had Goldilocks on there
And some blonde pubic hair
On your old rocking chair I have seen.”
A hooker planned to come clean
On a quiz form at question 14
That asked what her left knee
Might say to her right knee
Answer: Nothing! They never convene.
A farmer who hated to clean
The poultry pen built a machine:
It tilted the floor
So the duck muck would pour,
But, unhapp’ly, it made the duck lean.
That fellow who hated to clean:
His fridge was a horror-flick scene.
The cheese had grown legs
And would dance with the eggs
And the plant life was quite Pleistocene.
A fellow who hated to clean
Found a Virgo and made her his queen.
While cooking he’d wiggle.
She’d sit back and giggle.
Each night they’d enjoy his cuisine.
A Dervish had planned to come clean
To explain why he’d spin and careen
Then he whirled round so fast
He disappeared up his arse
Never again to be seen.
A chiropractor begged to come clean
Am I a quack or a doctor supreme?
If it’s relief that you seek
Try this convoluted tweak
Without the drugs that usually intervene.
A fellow who’d planned to come clean
Realized his idea was not keen.
He admitted a bit,
Then lickety-split
Wrapped himself in a saintly sheen.
A woman who’d hated to clean
Since back when she was but a teen,
Opened up Pine Sol
Let it sit, that’s all.
’Til the house smelled ever so clean.
The prez dared the court to come clean,
Forge ahead with a liberal lean,
By framing a past
In which Stonewall is cast
As a civil rights victory — keen!
A fellow is now coming clean
Fastest bicycling junkie there’s been
And he might be forgiven
If he’d only striven
T’ apologize for being mean
There’s a girl who should plan to come clean
‘Bout a man and a milking machine
‘Cuz I wouldn’t a’ thunk
With it hooked to his junk
He’d do anything more than turn green!
The Brawny Man hates Mister Clean
And locked him inside a latrine
But bald guy stayed in it
For less than a minute
Then wiped flannel boy from the scene
Michelangelo hated to clean
His brushes, he’d no kerosene
Though he shouldn’t of ought’a
He used holy wata
When painting the chapel Sistine
A fellow who failed to come clean
Of a tryst with his neighbor Nadine
Said: “A conscience that’s clean does
Much less than Nadine does
In making my slumber serene.”
Lance Armstrong had to come clean
‘Bout the truth of his doping routine.
He ‘fessed up to Oprah,
Who warned him: “I hope ya
Don’t say things ya don’t really mean.”
An officer had to come clean
After crashing his armored machine:
“Now that it’s wrecked,
They’ll have to inspect
The bev’rage within my canteen.”
A trader had planned to come clean
When losses arose unforeseen,
But then tried a tack
Of winning it back,
On the strength of some extra caffeine.
Ms. Couric made Manti come clean
On the hoax of his Internet queen:
“To not be a victim,
It’s best to have picked ’em
From those who you’ve actually seen.”
Icahn and Ackman came clean
That no love was lost in between;
On CNBC,
Acrimoniously,
To each other they vented their spleen.
A young fellow planned to come clean
To his Mum about his wet dream
For she thought that her son
Had let his nose run
On his bed sheets no longer pristine
Dimaggio declined to come clean;
Kept his secrets ’bout Silver Screen queen.
You could ask Joltin’ Joe
About Mar’lyn Monroe
But to him she was plain Norma Jeane.
A woman who hated to clean
Left a floor with a beautiful sheen,
When she came back
Her kids she did whack.
They’d used the floor for a latrine!
A prince thought he shouldn’t come clean
With his role-playing dreams of the queen.
“They’re a little ‘complex’
(As in Oedipus Rex)—
Am I king? Or is she the dauphine?”
A fellow had planned to come clean
on kicking a vending machine
but this plan he adjourned
when the thing then returned
his cash and some candy cuisine.
The stain simply would not come clean
even with tetrachlor-ethylene.
So he tie-tied the shirt
blending color and dirt.
Now the sweater’s all blue, pink and green.
A murderer wouldn’t come clean
even ‘though he was found at the scene
with the knife in his hand.
He said, “Please understand.
I was only just venting his spleen.”
A fellow had planned to come clean
Of a fault that he had most obscene
‘Twas rather risque
The guy had to say
His standard deviation was mean
Michael Jackson felt bound to come clean:
He in no way knocked up Billy Jean.
But a “dance in the round”
“On the floor” has the sound
Of a more than CHEEK-kissed beauty queen.
A Preacher planned to come clean
After shagging the wife of the Dean
Seven times, – then she said,
“Your not bad in bed,
Though the Vicar once scored 13
An inventive young voyer to clean
And remove pubic hair (his cuisine)
Used a small sharpened stick
Now known as a toothpick
To restore to his teeth former sheen.
Thanks so much everyone for your fun limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Congratulations to the Limerick of the Week Winner, the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award Winner, and the Honorable Mention Winners: Limerick of the Week 98.
But don’t worry! You still can have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Hall of Limericks.