Limerick Claim (Limerick-Off Monday)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 11:59 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:
A woman would frequently claim…*
or
A fellow would frequently claim…*
*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)
Here’s my limerick:
Limerick Claim
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A gambler would frequently claim
That his friends and his spouse were to blame
For his being a louse
And losing his house.
Shifting guilt for misdeeds was his game.
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Competition Limerick, Gambling Limerick, Gambling Verse, House & Home, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Money & Finance Humor, Poetry & Prompts, Spousal Humor, Writing Prompts
A woman would frequently claim,
That she dressed to kill, and not to maim.
Yet she mangled her feet,
Into hamburger meat,
And her Jimmy Choo heels were to blame.
A ‘woman’ would frequently claim
That she had the title of Dame;
It wasn’t a lie,
For she was a guy,
And noted for Pantomime fame!
A woman would frequently claim,
That she, for divorce, had no blame,
But proof there was found
Of her playing around,
And that she had been ‘on the game’.
A hooker would frequently claim,
Her prowess at lighting their flame.
While stoking their cock,
With an eye on the clock,
She’d make sure that they left, when they came.
A fellow would frequently claim
When urinating he had perfect aim
But all his bullseyes
Were most definitely lies
And when the seat was wet he was to blame
A fellow kept making the claim,
That marrying soon was his aim,
But the years quickly passed,
With his girl never asked.
Seems like living in sin was his game.
A pitcher would frequently claim,
His fame from an accurate aim,
But today’s not his day,
As they homer’d away.
He accepted full blame for the game.
A woman would frequently claim
She’d a title known as Great Dame
Conferred upon her
By the Don who bestrode her
At a Maffia do down in Maine
A fellow would frequently claim
His orgasm distance was lame
As she rinsed out her hair
He said “I’m well aware”
That’s a problem I just overcame.”
a woman would frequently claim
that climax to her never came
she roamed everywhere
she looked for her share
so ‘vagabond virgin’ her name
A hermit would frequently claim,
“Necrophilic Dave” was his name,
In cave he would keep,
Whores in final sleep,
Cash saving his ultimate aim.
A woman would frequently claim
She had starred in the film, “Auntie Mame”
I must burst her bubble
She was just a stunt double
And we all know that isn’t the same
A fellow would frequently claim
His gal stopped playing the game.
It was only a fling
Yet she wanted a ring.
With a smile down the aisle he came.
A woman would frequently claim
Her boyfriend drove her insane.
All he wanted was sex
It continued to vex
Till the wedding day she could proclaim.
MadKane you may frequently claim
To be the Head Limerick Dame.
Your rhymes they are cute and
You are so astute and
Well deserving of such august fame.
And then there is our Nancy Schimmel
Whose verses disperses pure Himmel.
Yes, I do mean Heaven;
Don’t believe me–ask Kevin
Or that comedy guy Jimmy Kimmel.
I remember old Jim with Ben Stein
And a show I thought top of the line.
Ben’d give you a chance
To take dough from his pants;
But the odds of you winning were Nein.
Stein, line, chance, pants, nein: Oy Gevalt!
Such a mish-mosh, it’s worse than Gestalt.
The best way to show
And for you to know
Is if we down a big glass of ge-malt.
A reunion refuted the claim
That a fireman excelled at his game:
A few tinders were sparked
And his classmates remarked,
“Why, he can’t even snuff an old flame!”
A woman would frequently claim,
Her husband was lazy and lame.
I’m sorry, my dear,
Now fetch me a beer,
And let me get back to the game.
A fellow would frequently claim
That he felt he should dress as a dame
But he went a bit far
When he stole his wife’s bra
And chose Tinker-Bell as his name.
By weekly “likes” oft we can claim
which limericks are best or most lame
too early gets lost
too late, timing’s cost
no shot at the end of week fame
A chicken went to baggage claim
no luggage was there with his name
he squawked and he clucked
and said “God, we’re plucked!
Now, let’s go see who to blame.”
A SENATOR WOULD FREQUENTLY CLAIM
HE LED A PURE LIFE WITHOUT SHAME
HE WAS STOPPED DRUNK AT NIGHT
WHEN HE RAN A RED LIGHT
NOW HIS ACTIONS AT LAST BRING HIM FAME
A preacher would frequently claim
He led a pure life without shame
He was seen just by chance
Running home without pants
An irate husband was to blame.
A woman would frequently claim
That she was something of fame
Like bigfoot or nessie
Things always got messy
She was quite the dame
A woman would frequently claim
Superman and Kent were the same
He didn’t want it known
or his cover’d be blown
So he screwed her and made Lois lame
A clam would frequently claim
to be happy but just the same
We can’t tell if he’s smiling
But no bills for him piling
Makes me think that’s how happiness came.
Dog owners are oft heard to claim
That their dog is just not to blame
For making messes
Jumping on dresses
Belonging to old Auntie Mame
A sailor who sang used to claim
That nothing was quite like a dame.
To be more specific,
The southern Pacific
Lived tediously up to its name.
A drill sergeant backed up her claim
That a skittish recruit was a shame:
“He’s unfit for the service—
Insecure, and so nervous
That he fires before ‘ready’ and ‘aim’.”
A parrot would frequently claim
Its mistress never called it by name.
“You want a cracker?”
“I could just smack her!’
“I just peck her: but, that’s not the same.”
There’s an order of things, so they claim,
And an order’s an order—the same
In love and in war.
And so we abhor
That Fire precede Ready and Aim.
A hockey supporter who claims
To root for the Calgary Flames
Said “Talks were a knockout,
They’ve ended the lockout –
We may even see a few games!”
Nice one Sue Dulley.
A young woman frequently claimed
She did’nt deserve to be shamed
With the family’s curse
Or even what’s worse
The kid’s father going unamed.
Thanks. I optimistically changed it to “may even win a few games” in the fb version.
Sorry, forgot the homonyms and homophones so correction :
A young woman would frequently claim
She did’nt deserve the shame
Of the family’s curse
Or what’s even worse
Not knowing the kid’s fathers name.
A Madam would frequently claim
Palindrome applied to her name
Such as Radar and Rotor
Kayak, Rotavator
Read from each end and saying the same.
An old quarterback repeated his claim
for inclusion in the Hall of Fame.
When they asked what he’d done
he said, “Why, I’m second to none
in intercepts thrown per game.”
A skater might modestly claim
That cycling was not her best game
But pumping the pedals
Won many more medals
And a place in the Sports Hall of Fame.
A woman would frequently claim
She accorded that much disdain
For men who sulked
Childishly balked
When told to be more restrained
Hank
Whatever the folk song may claim,
The true story’s really quite tame.
Oh sure, there was mountin’,
But say those who were countin’
She rode ONE horse, no more, when she came.
A fellow would frequently claim
The problem was not with his aim.
The toilet’s are smaller
And I’m getting taller.
“Have you,” asked his wife, “any shame?”
A fellow would frequently claim
He wasn’t the goat of the game.
“You see, I’m a cripple.
Couldn’t leg out the triple.”
Of course we retorted, “That’s lame!”
A woman would frequently claim
that fun is a part of the game
and when she lost
she would def. toss
the chess board out into the rain
A lady would frequently claim
That she sang the lead role in “Mame”
But the sound of her voice
Gave no-one any choice
But to tell her to get a new game.
Now Madeleine would frequently claim
That her first lines were never to blame
And as hard as she’d work
Not to “stymie or irk”
It came out exactly the same.
A cleric came forth with the claim:
“I’m the only one knowing God’s name.”
This most fervent conviction
Sparked doctrinal friction–
And soon, he just burst into flame.
A pop group from Sweden would claim
That singing good songs was their aim
Dancing queens had a ball,
These winners took all
And the name of the game became fame.
A ‘Stinky’ Limerick …
A woman would frequently claim
The vapors, removing herself from blame
She became quite astute
When the urge rose to toot…
The gents though – they had no such shame
(c) JP/davh
C. Simmons is most glad to claim
Tenor banjo is his claim to fame.
He plucks or he strums.
(Whichever mood comes.)
With a fifth string, it changes the game.
A woman would frequently claim
To have no intention to frame
A man in her snare
But let’s be aware:
All that would be lies without shame!
Some christian would frequently claim
Salvation as their only aim
While keeping to sin
Ambitious to win
In fight for renown and fame
Historians frequently claim
On the Romans, we, sin tax can blame
At each bacchanalia
A bean counter trailed ya
To note if you went or you came
A woman would frequently claim
Her allegiance to old ‘Nottur’ Dame
But for now, as of yet her
Poor Irish are better
On paper than during the game
A fellow would frequently claim
That all women he knew were the same
Always early he’d wait
With concern for each date
And thank god if they finally came
A fellow would frequently claim
Everyone gets a few minutes fame
His tomato soup can
An art movement began
Giving him a much longer acclaim
A fellow would frequently claim
There’s a virtue to ‘ready, fire, aim’
But to me it just sounds
Like you’ve got lots of rounds
And you’re not concerned whom you could maim
The courts ruled against the guy’s claim
That what he called “new rice” was the same.
Said the judge “What you eat
Would it not taste as sweet
If arroz went by some other name?”
A fellow would frequently claim
There’s no team like old Notre Dame.
They came in for a ride
And went out with The Tide.
Take you choice here, it’s Blame, Same or Shame.
Claude Monet would frequently claim
“As an impressionist, Camille’s quite lame.
“Her register’s too low
“For Marilyn Monroe,
“And as for her Gloria Grahame …. !!”
A night owl would recently claim
“Since New Year’s, my brain is aflame.
Now most of the time
I think only in rhyme
And Madeleine Kane is to blame.”
A woman in court made a claim
that her husband eloped on a plane
with a young man
native Iran
she had Lysistrata to blame
A hunter would frequently claim
Always making clean kills was his game.
As a kid, a pet kitten
He’d grievously smitten—
Since then, he has been anti-maim.
A woman would frequently claim
the money he spent was to blame
for the rise and the fall
and whatever he would call
the supply and demand game
A man would frequently claim
the money she spent was to blame
for the frills and the thrills
the pills and the bills
that led to their financial pain
a woman would frequently claim
to be a world traveling dame
go here or there
with a toss of her hair
but life turned out pretty lame…
A woman would frequently claim
That a dragon was easy to tame.
When the town burned to ground
Arson experts then found
That a dragon breath flame was to blame.
A woman would frequently claim
That her dragon was easy to tame.
They set off to the vet,
Scared each person they met.
Doctor’s waiting room emptied. A shame!
The woman with dragon would claim
Her dragon was never to blame
When neighbors were harking
No meowing, no barking!
Her satisfied dragon belched flame.
A cowboy would frequently claim
That riding the herd left him lame
But summoning Molly
Or Polly or Dolly
By golly he stiffened. They came.
A kitten, his litter mates claim,
swore often he’d never be tame.
That all was nixed
the day he was fixed
but he says his fifth leg’s just lame!
A lawyer would generally claim
highest damage for suffering and pain–
“Your arm got a break
but your case I will take
if only you also went lame.”
Sorry. k.
Thought it only fair that both sexes be represented.
A woman would frequently claim
That to sing “Mimi” in “La Boehme,”
She had slept with Puccini
And the young Toscanini
To get the role. She’d had no shame.
But to tell you the God’s truth, Morris
She’d been a no-name in the chorus.
True, the roles that she’d had
Were in the sack, lad
But her name ‘tweren’t “Maria;” ‘twas “Doris.”
*****
A fellow would frequently claim
That ‘twas he set Chicago aflame.
The raging inferno
He’d started with “Sterno”
And O’Leary’s cow, she weren’t to blame.
Now most people would say with a laugh
That the fellow, he was a Moon Calf
Said they, “Lookie here, son
In 1871
Your grandpa, he was six and a half.
So confronted with constant derision
The young fellow made a decision
After a bit of thinkin’
He declared he’d shot Lincoln
Without John Wilkes Booth’s supervision.
A fellow did frequently claim
Lengthy manhood which brought him great fame
He’d show off his stuff
Pose for pix in the buff
But it wouldn’t fit into the frame
A woman would loudly exclaim
At great volume whenever she came
But her man was a fool
Who thought her a jewel
‘Til that night she cried out the wrong name
THERE IS MORE THAN JUST A FINANCIAL DEFICIT IN D.C.
The R’s and the D’s both claim
That their parties are not the same
But when it comes to the debt
You can safely bet
that each other, they both, will blame.
A fellow would frequently claim
That his shrew wasn’t likely to tame.
So on Facebook he offered
That guys who could boff her’d
Gain limitless, unending fame.
Ms. Bachmann once leveled a claim
Of anti-American blame.
It meant not a thing, but
Like any good wingnut
At long last, she’d no sense of shame.
A fellow would frequently claim
That his aim was to pillage and maim.
The result of his hate?
The Feds lie in wait,
Which has earned him Republican fame.
A dear old lady took her claim
To Pensions, 100 miles by train
They said, “Birth date Shirley,
is 5 minutes too early
and were closing so come back again”
A fellow would frequently claim
That as neighbours we’re really the same
Maple leaf and Old Glory
The deal is, we’re sorry
For Howie Mandel and his game
Some athletes would frequently claim,
“I’d never use steroids! That’s lame!”
They resembled in bulk
The Incredible Hulk.
Too bad there’s no Drug Hall of Fame.
A woman would frequently claim
Disney’s sparkle she couldn’t explain
When she was young and when she was old
Her attention the magic kingdom would hold
As a hopeful fantasy she wouldn’t tame
A Gay would frequently claim
That for Sodomy he wasn’t to blame
It was just that in jail
They’d made use of his tail
So got used to the role play of Dame
A single mother submitted the claim
She was bonked by the guard on a train
Then had by the crew
And the signalman too
But enjoyed then and didn’t complain.
A loony would frequently claim
He’d invented this idiot game
He would ignite the hair
On a lady’s affair
And laughingly pee out the flame
A fire-breathing dragon would claim
She liked to set custard aflame.
The surface she’d scorch
With breath like a torch
Until creme brulee it became.
An artist would frequently claim
That his landscapes would get world acclaim
But what burst his bubble
Was when he had trouble
To make the pic fit in the frame.
A poet would frequently claim
That all of these poems seem the same.
Much more than just some
Have merely become
What others before this became.
A woman would frequently claim
That one day she’d win big in a game.
That’s the reason her motto
Was, “Buy every lotto—
They’re tickets to fortune and fame.”
A halfwit would frequently claim
That his doodle had it’s own brain
So to keep it real spruce
He used the excuse
To massage it each night till it came
A Vocalist submitted a claim
For career loss and testicle pain
This budding young singer
Caught his balls in the wringer
Now his voice is Falsetto and lame.
A poor miner would frequently claim
From divorce, his first wife soon became
Very rich. The gold digger
Stole mine’s deed; she would snigger.
He would shout it real loud, his ex-claim.
A fellow would frequently claim
that he wasn’t the one you should blame.
He admitted he’s using
but not really abusing.
We think his excuses quite lame.
A woman would frequently claim
That her husband was solely to blame
For the massive amounts
In those Cayman accounts
That were registered just in her name.
A fellow would frequently claim
There is nothing at all you can name
That even compares
To the womanly airs
On a female-y, feminine dame.
A fellow would frequently claim,
Without hesitation or shame,
That tax plays no role
In the deficit hole,
But spending’s entirely to blame.
Mr. Christie had put in a claim
For a hurricane (Sandy, by name),
Which his buddy, the Speaker,
Delayed by a week or
A month, to his evident shame.
A woman would frequently claim
She could have any man you could name,
And in fact, the consensus
Of quite a few gents is
Indeed yes, the lady’s got game.
A poet would frequently claim
The secret to garnerng fame:
Write the very last rhyme here
Announcing that “I’m here!”
And Mad K will light up your name.
Our mother would frequently claim
That my brother and I were to blame.
“You boys broke what encloses
My painting of roses.”
Together we cried: “It’s a frame!”
A woman would frequently claim
That appearance should not win the game,
But putting on makeup
Would typically take up
A chunk of her time, just the same.
The director would frequently claim
That I lost her account, but that’s lame.
I did not try to screw her
When told I should woo her—
I never had skin in the dame!
A soldier would constantly claim
That a baby had not been his aim.
“’Cause my gun wasn’t loaded!”
He insists when he’s goaded.
(Seems vasectomy failure’s to blame.)
Thanks so much everyone for your fun limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Congratulations to the Limerick of the Week Winner, the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award Winner, and the Honorable Mention Winners:
Limerick of the Week 96.
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Crowing About Limericks.