Happy New Year Limerick (Limerick-Off Monday)
Since 2013 is almost here, I’m offering you an alternative: You may write a limerick related to new year’s resolutions, using any first line. Next week I’ll present an extra award — one for the best new year’s resolutions limerick.
And now, getting back to my regular Sunday challenge: It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 11:59 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:
A fellow was making a list…*
or
A woman was making a list…*
*(Minor variations to my first lines are acceptable, but rhyme words may not be altered.)
Here’s my limerick:
Happy New Year Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A fellow was making a list
Of items he’d try to resist
In the upcoming year.
But he lost it, I fear:
Both the list and his will to desist.
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Competition Limerick, December Holidays, Holiday Humor, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, List Humor, List Limerick, New Year's Resolutions Humor, New Year's Resolutions Verse, Poetry & Prompts, Writing Prompts
The bossman was making a list
Of employees at whom he was pissed
Or of whom he was tired
Any rate, they are fired.
No Schindler, this guy; that’s the gist!
The fat guy was checking his list
of mommies that he’d gone and kissed
and so Mr. Claus
would often give pause
at those where it led to a tryst
A candidate looked at his list
of issues that he’d have to twist
He went to debate
and tried not to state
things that the media missed
A fella created a list
of odds and ends he might’ve missed
he thought up in tandem
things utterly random
and so his jots thatted and thissed
A fellow was making a list
Of girls who had never been kissed.
He repents of it still,
For good kissing takes skill,
And their lips were the mill to his grist.
A gal was making a list
of all the men she had dissed
She wasn’t a prude
Nor was she rude
But her T-shirt read: cease and desist
A pervert was lengthening his list
Of every female he had thoroughly pissed.
It was 10 feet long
Of wine, women and song
And his spouse was at the top….get the gist?
A fellow was making a list,
Of folks that “would never be missed,”
His name was Ko-Ko,
From “The Mikado”,
Who spoiled Yum-Yum, Nanki-Poo tryst.
A fellow was making a list
of men that he thought Communist.
It got in his head
that Obama was red.
With the Prez on TV he just hissed.
But the fellow was a big dope.
He let Fox “News” ruin his hope.
Obama was blue.
But there were “red” states too.
He finally fled. Couldn’t cope.
There’s a new actuarial list
For some claims that will soon be dismissed
In fact now we are told
The disease “getting old”
Is among those we know pre-exist
I resolve to begin a new diet
I’ve gained weight and I cannot deny it
Now, this promise I fear
I repeat every year
Only this time I think I might try it
A fellow was making Franz Liszt
There’ve been rumors at least, of a tryst
But Chopin was his rival
And so this contrival
Holds no proof the men even kissed
A woman was making a list
To try all the things she had missed
Surfing, skateboarding,
Sky-diving, rewarding
Herself, she said, shaking her fist.
A woman was making a list
of all the men she had kissed.
But they had feet of clay
and they all got away,
which, of course left the woman quite pissed.
The songbird was checking his list
of songs that he knew must persist
the tunes he could tweet
all on one spreadsheet
he saved it then went to play whist
A fella was reading a list
of things his doc said should be missed
it wasn’t his fault
that now table salt
had become a season desist
I wrote myself out a long list
One week after my merry Christ-
Mas. Grand resolution
Bad habits? Eschew! Shun!
By Easter this list will be hist
Resolutions, they say, are the bunk.
Resolving is only one chunk
of whatever is needed
for the thing to be heeded.
(I just put myself in a funk)
An alcoholic was making a list
Of the years resolutions he’d missed
And vowed to adhere
To them in New Year
But while at it got thoroughly pissed.
A fellow was making a list
Of the favorite things that he missed
When, without thinking
He said he’d stop drinking –
At the top was Canadian Mist.
A lush sat making a list
Of all the reasons to exist.
She wrote quite a few,
Then crossed out all but two –
Wine. And love, when not too pissed.
A woman was making a list
Of the Christmas card friends that she’d missed.
Far too many. It seemed
She’d apparently dreamed
That she’d mailed them. They didn’t exist.
A fellow was making a list
Of conquests he had missed
He tried to remember
What had gone asunder
If only he had not been a beast!
Hank
a fellow was making a list
of foods that he could resist
trying in the new year
he’d ingest without fear
wihch was fine til he tried nettle fish
A lady was making a list
Of men, to whom couldn’t resist.
Although, I suppose,
Excluding all those,
By whom she has been only kissed.
A fellow was making a list,
Of things they’d do after they kissed:
Champagne then a bath.
Now you do the math.
I’m picturing one sexy tryst.
A fellow was making a list,
Of women he’d fondled and kissed.
Back in his day,
He’d lead many astray.
The stories of him still persist.
The schooner was starting to list,
As an island appeared through the mist.
A nude beach in sight!
What a naughty delight.
A view all found hard to resist.
This lad from the Emerald Isle’s
Resolving his Lims may bring smiles
So from me over here
A big “HAPPYT NEW YEAR!”
To all you great folk ‘cross the miles!
no limerick from me today but many happy new year’s wishes…smiles
A fellow was making a list
Of amorous acts for a tryst.
His girlfriend, though hot,
Said, “You wanna do WHAT?”
He found himself quickly dis-missed.
A woman was making a list
To the spas, she couldn’t resist
She’d escape the in-laws
For pullin’ her last straws
Instead of ballin’ an’ haulin’ her fist
© JP/davh
Here’s one about the the Dallas team owner, for all my fellow Redskins fans today:
Jerry Jones is compiling his list
Of the Cowboys at whom he’s now pissed
One shouldn’t make fun
Now his season’s all done
But with Jerry, it’s hard to resist.
A fellow was making a list;
However, his list had a twist:
Instead of his aims,
He inserted the names
Of asses ‘twood have to be kissed.
Casanova was making a list
Of lovely young maidens he’d missed
Buxom blondes, lithe brunettes
Dancing with castanets,
But chose a redhead for his tryst.
Cheers!
JzB
An old woman was making a list
And she called to her mate to assist:
“Where were we that year?
Was it cloudy or clear?”
“l’m too old! Can’t remember!” They kissed.
A fellow was making a list,
But not written in a firm fist,
The list was to port –
Drunk more port than he ought –
And it was because he was pissed.
A fellow was making a list
Of things of the past that he missed,
It grew so extensive
That he waxed all pensive,
And promptly slit open his wrist.
For our Happy New Year! :
May your New Year see plentiful bliss
For it has to be better than this.
Soon we all shall see if
We’ve gone over the cliff,
As we wait to explore the abyss.
A chicken once peered at a list
and suddenly he got the gist
the recipe begs
for chicken and eggs
needless to say, he was pissed!
A young girl was making a list
Of all those who has to be kissed
On this New Year eve.
And would you believe –
No one from this list has been missed!
“I’ll grant any three wishes you list.
You must first ‘rub my lamp’ – get my gist?”
She did as he bid her
Then he laughed “I’m a kidder,
Did you really think genie’s exist?”
As Santa was checking his list,
He discovered a thing he had missed.
“Financiers, as a whole,
Should receive only coal,”
Read the latest North Poll—folks are pissed!
The guests had been checked off the list.
Vows were read, bride and groom had been kissed.
Said the priest: “With these kisses,
I pronounce you a Mrs.
As of now, you are hereby dis-Miss’d.”
Wishing you all a Happy New Year
With soda and pretzels and beer
And my resolution
A new Constitution
So poverty no-one must fear.
Dyslexic young girl made a list
And she was a make-up artiste
She listed her lippy
Passed it on to a hippy
Who then stored the list ‘tween her “tist”
New Year’s Eve is a time to reflect
On the things we would like to perfect,
So I vow, here and now
If my lim’ricks don’t wow,
Then at least they will leave you erect.
A chemist was making a list
Of SRM’s purchased from NIST
And checked with God’s bless
Them all by MS
As expert mass-spectrometrist
A Santa was making a list
Of kids, who had not to be missed
Thus small girls and boys
Got plenty of toys
From Santa who didn’t exist
I spied a man making a list
Of habits from which to desist;
“Resolutions?” I wondered,
“My new Kindle!” he thundered,
” ‘Confessions of A Hedonist’!”
A backpacker making a list
Of all the pitfalls on his piste
Potholes on the right
Keep others in sight
And never go hiking while pissed.
A woman was making a list
of ways to encourage being kissed:
Remember to smile,
use words that beguile,
and make sure that you never get pissed!
(Australian definition of ‘pissed’, i.e. drunk.)
A woman was making a list
but she screwed it up in her fist.
She decided, I fear,
that in this New Year
she was going to do just as she wished.
A woman was making a list
but one or two items were missed.
She began the New Year
a little bit freer
than her conscience had meant to insist.
A fellow was making a list
When he became rather pissed
He thought about the point
Grabbed onto a certain joint
And simple wore out his wrist
A woman was making a list
Of men who joined in her tryst.
They all were compliant
Each a good client
She had never an arm to twist.
A woman was making a list
Of guys who she sorely missed
She vowed to select
Only those when erect
She stood on her toes as she kissed.
I had wanted a brand new TV
That is sharper and clearer to see.
Technology’s solution,
My new year’s resolution:
Nineteen twenty by ten eighty — HD.
A Gay was making a list
Of the times he’d been buggered and kissed
Hoping there was a way
To change the name Gay
To that of love ANALyst.
An angry man made up a list
Of gold diggers with whom he was pissed
He turned into later
A confirmed woman hater
Who only makes love to his fist.
In his mind our dog’s making a list
Of the times in the house he has pissed
Then out the door flew
On the end of my shoe
He’s hoping one day I’ll desist.
A man who was making a New Year’s list
while watching the Dick Clark show was miffed
when the ball finally dropped
and the hoopla stopped
Jenny kissed the Navy and he could Sea Ryan was pissed
I started to write out a list
Of my body parts needing assist
Of some drug or crutch
And I listed so much
That all that was left was my cyst.
A fellow was making a list
and with his broom gave a whisk
it fell to the floor
and floated out the door
and the fellow forgot what he wished
A fellow was making a list
of bedroom passion and bliss
said she to he, “You’d better rethink
after what you’ve had to drink”
so his sweet dreams ended up in a twist
A fellow was making a list
of bedroom passion and bliss
said she to he,”You’d better rethink
after what we’ve had to drink”
and they both had to settle for a kiss
A fellow was making a list
and added a sly little twist
said he to himself
I’ll not put this on the shelf
then I’ll see the dreams I’ve missed
Making a list on New Year’s day
said she to he in a casual way,
“Why go to the botha
just do what you otta
cause the dues you’re not willing to pay”.
A fellow was making a bucket list
of to do’s before life he missed
time was marching on
and he wrote from midnight to dawn
but fell asleep on what he’d wished
A man was maling a list
when his woman said, “I get the gist
of what you are saying
and I’l be praying
that you’ll add my little twist’.
To Jamie, who made out a list
Of the younger man’s joys that he’s missed:
Maybe stop with the humor
And see to that tumor –
Simply put, you should cease and de-cyst.
It’s 2013, and I’m not
Really one who looks backwards a lot
If you feel Auld Lang Syne’d
You will probably find
Old acquaintance are best left forgot.
a fellow was making (another) list
one he hoped they would get the gist
of blessing this year
as the new came to bear
on which, without you’d be remissed
haha happy new year
ALWAYS love your limericks…you’re the master
2012 left your body abused –
Cholesterol ridden and boozed.
Can’t invent evolutions
Of new resolutions?
Use last year’s – still wrapped and un-used!
Peter Piper was making a list
Of the women he’d like to have kissed.
“Of all of these belles,
Only she who sells shells
Can tickle my tongue with a twist.”
McCarthy, he claimed had a list,
Of communists right in our midst.
And though he would shout,
In the end truth won out,
And who history now has dismissed.
The songbird was making a list
Of tunes that he’d previously whist
le, and he’d sing and he’d gloat
Making noise from his throat
Till the farmer came out with a pist (ol).
An angry man made up a list
Of the words that made him a Misogynist
Dramatist, Antagonist,
Masochist, Psychoanalyst
And last but not least Masturbationist.
An angry man made up a list
Of gold diggers with whom he was pissed
He turned into later
A confirmed woman hater
Who is known as a Misogynist
Said a doc, “At the top of my list—
My greatest success, I insist—
Was the time, with my knife,
When I saved a young life
By removing a man from a cyst.”
:-) This was wonderful!! Limericks are crazy tough to write (at least for me), Great job!!
New Year’s Day: Santa’s making a list
For next Christmas. He couldn’t resist:
In the column of “Nought”
Goes the Congress that’s thought
Doing nothing’s their grounds to exist.
The president eyed his kill list
And said, “Take ’em out, General. Dismissed.”
The officer thought,
“At least now I’ve got
A method to prove they exist.”
To Bob Dvorak – Probably getting worse.
It’s sad re the state of my brain
I sure understand Sarah’s pain
I’ll just have a wee drink
And try hard to think
Of a “list lim” to not break the chain.
An artist was making a list
on his model – begun at her wrist,
and despite her alarm
at the top of her arm
to continue he couldn’t resist.
Old Santa was making his list,
Although with a bit of a twist.
Shunning girls who were nice,
He picked naughty and vice,
And hoped they’d agree to a tryst.
A fellow was making a list
Of the things he could do to subsist.
Even after much thought,
The result was still naught.
The poor bastard soon ceased to exist.
A fellow was making a list
Of the things he would need for his tryst.
He forgot the protection,
But still plyed his erection,
Which is why the gal’s menses was missed.
She’s been making an ‘is it worthwhile’ list
You’d expect nothing less from a nihilist
But her “God is dead” quips
Don’t encourage big tips
Where she works as a high fashion stylist
A woman was making a list
Things to do ‘fore her son could be ‘brissed’
Marinade London broil
Buy some wine, call the Moyel
And then pray no small thing will be missed
Thanks Bob Auler …
Wallechinsky—in publishing list
After list, after list—did persist
With such gusto unmatched
That you might say he hatched
A whole new profession: listIST.
Happy New Year Limerick
by Susan
When she finished writing her list
of things this year to resist
she re-checked her spelling,
thought, “Hey, that’s jelling!”
and titled it “jokers exist.”
Hehehe! Happy New Year!
Can I do two? If so, here I go:
Happy New Year
by Susan
A woman was making her list
of what she hoped would exist
Peace and love were on top
but so elusive she’d swap
both for one certain tryst
A fellow was making a list
Of sins the next year to resist.
The following day
He tossed it away,
Dismissed with a twist of the wrist.
A woman was making a list
Of men that she should not have kissed
And would not go near
In the upcoming year
Except, of course, during a tryst.
A lister is making a list
Of diseases to cure in his midst
When he hits halitosis:
“I know what the dose is!”
(As I mentioned, he’s Lister. You missed?)
John Wayne started making a list
Of the roles that he couldn’t resist:
“If they give me some boots
And a rifle that shoots,
My career mill will have its True Grist.”
A poser was making a list
Of distinctions on which he’d insist:
“I write poems, not verse
(Rhyme and rhythm, what’s worse?)
And I am an ‘artiste’ not ‘artIST’.”
A fellow was making a list
Of women with whom he’d like to tryst
But he left it intact
With no room to retract
His wife found it, and she’s pretty pissed
A woman was making a list
When her husband said “cease and desist!
Would it make me a felon
To conk you with a melon?
It’s honeydew that and honeydew this!”
A madman was writing a list
Of which nobody else got the gist
He wrote it in code
Which of course was a load
Of rubbish that wouldn’t be missed.
A fellow was making a list,
another was shaking his fist,
a third one was lying,
the fourth one was crying.
Folks, this ain’t no way to exist.
Perusing a long, bloody list
Of crimes done by those who insist
On having their way
Compels me to say:
The problem’s not -ISM but -IST.
A moron was making a list
Of some ways he might free his poor fist.
It was jammed in a jar
Holding keys to his car.
And so now, his arm ends at the wrist.
Upon further review of this list,
My early conclusion’s dismissed:
Black-and-white are their eyes
And the gray evil lies,
In truth, between -ISM and -IST.
An old guy was making a list
(until he got cramps in his wrist)
Of ‘sports’ he enjoyed
But ought to avoid
Like wrestling and dancing the Twist.
The temperature’s up to the skies
I’m bothered by insects and flies
Am trying to harden
And work on the garden
But I fear I shall need a few tries.
A Squaw added names to her list
For the babe she would have from a tryst
Crazy Horse, Mustang Bucking,
Yellow Moon, Two Dogs Fucking
Thought again and the last name dismissed
The sailor amended his list:
“Aye’ll be swiggin’ s’much port as I list!”
Spake his pal, with a snort,
“If ye snort that much port
“ ‘Twill be port into port that ye’ll list!”
A mother was making a list.
The title was “Cease and Desist
Using all these bad words,”
Then: “Got that, little turds?”
The irony, sadly, was missed.
Like a ship, she was starting to list
Half in shadow and half heaven-kissed.
Did her diet slim one
Unaccompanied bun?
Or is that just one hell of a cyst?
St Peter was making a l;ist
Of Sinners who had to be pissed
To that place down below
Where the red embers glow
On a spot where no angel has kissed.
A Sperm was making a list
Of the times he and pals get pissed—-
–off after fucking
And then get a ducking
When the John’s flushed by somebody’s fist
An old man was making a list
Of the times in his life he had missed—
–out on his chance
To get in a girl’s pants
Cause he never could quite get the gist.
The doctor was making a list
Of things from which he’d desist.
It wasn’t his duty
To slice folks for beauty,
But, yes, he’d still do a decyst.
An Indian boy on reading Mum’s list
Of her kid’s names, was thoroughly pissed
For instead of Horse Bucking
He was named Two Dogs Fucking
Which Comedians now use with a twist.
A Wanker made a New Year list
Of the pleasures he’ll have with his fist
Marking dates all down pat
And making sure that
Palm Sunday is not to be missed.
A fellow was making a list
Of all of the women he’d kissed
And fondled and groped
And also had hoped
To… okay, now you get the gist.
Some children were making a list
Of toys that were not to be missed.
They mailed it to Claus,
Expressly because
It could prove whether he did exist.
A professor has published a list
Of 10 principles he would insist
Innately unite
The left and the right
In the field of the economist.
Here is the list of 10 economic principles.
A cruise ship was starting to list
On a reef, as the hull groaned and hissed.
Their Captain Schettino,
By everything we know,
Rowed off in the murk and the mist.
My manager made up a list
Of the faux pas that got me dismissed:
“It’s most indiscreet
To ‘sh*t where you eat,’
And also to ‘drink where you pissed.'”
Congressmen made up a list
Of tax breaks that had to persist:
“It’d be a shame if,
While avoiding the cliff,
We leave out the poor lobbyist.”
A fellow was making a list
Of folks he might punch with his fist.
But a man so rapacious
For all things pugnacious
Will not very often get kissed!
A fellow was making a list
Of the taverns where he’d gotten pissed
He put extra stars
Beside some of the bars,
Where he’d gone to the men’s room and missed…
A fellow was making a list
Of all the girls he had kissed
He counted to ten
Realized some were men
Cross-dressers he couldn’t resist.
My alternate entry:
Every year a man made it his goal
To see his team win the big Bowl,
He’d be ever so cross
when they suffered a loss
And would take weeks just to console.
My list entry:
A woman was making a list
of reasons to avoid slitting a wrist,
or sitting on the edge
of a high window ledge,
and realized her point might be missed.
A violinist was making a list
Of ladies with whom he did tryst
He’d perform Kama Sutra
While he played a sonata
No patroness of arts could resist.
On checking their Back Scuttle list
The Irish gays wiped those they’ve kissed
New Year, more depravity
Ben Doon & Phil McCavity
Are now adding Knob Jockeys they missed.
A virginal old maid wrote a list
“I’m a hundred and never been kissed”
So expect it would take
A crowbar to break
Her Hymen before any tryst.
Thanks so much everyone for a great week of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Congratulations to the Limerick of the Week Winner, the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award Winners, and the Honorable Mention Winners: Limerick of the Week 95.
But don’t worry! You still can have lots of limerick fun because new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick Claim.