Limerick Port (Limerick-Off Monday)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 11:59 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:
A fellow was sipping some port…*
or
A woman was sipping some port…*
*(Minor variations to my first lines are acceptable, but rhyme words may not be altered.)
Here’s my limerick:
Limerick Port
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A tall lawyer was sipping some port,
While doing some prep work for court.
He drank more than he should have.
Too bad, cuz he could have
Prevailed, but instead came up short.
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Competition Limerick, Drinking Limerick, Law Humor, Legal & Lawyer Humor, Legal Limerick, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Liquor Humor, Poetry & Prompts, Port, Writing Prompts
A woman was sipping some port,
and keeping us up on our sport,
of limerick rhyme,
even at Christmas time,
Dear Mad, we love your support.
Happy Hanukkah and Merry Christmas everyone.
A fellow was sipping some port
By the pool at a high-end resort
Air escaped from his trunks
Smelling somewhat like skunks
T’was a snort from his shorts of a sort
A fellow was sipping some port,
Although he knew he didn’t ought,
For he was about
To bring back his gout –
A storm in port so often caught.
a fellow was sipping some port
and says: cheers to the poetry fort
weaving verses and rhyme
in and out of christmas time
is a wonderful fun thinking sport
A fellow was sipping some port
While thinking out a sinister plot
How he had wished
She’s such a dish
But a pity for that’s asking a lot
Hank
A fellow was sipping some port
While building a new snow fort
Before he was done
His bladder needed a run
Since it turned yellow all abort
A doctor who sipped too much port,
Did “nose job” decidedly short,
Pug-nosed lady boo-hooed,
And then quickly sued,
For doc, sober, lesson well tort.
A fellow was sipping some port
While considering bedrooming sport.
“Tell me, dear, wanna flirt?”
He unbuttoned his shirt.
“Fat chance,” she was heard to retort.
A woman was sipping some port
So much did her actions distort
She arrived at a party
Kissed the fellows too hearty
And in bed she went down a good sport.
A fellow was sipping some port
For a holiday treat of a sort
He finished with disdain
Said this is insane
To the scotch and soda he’d resort.
A judge who’d been sipping some port
While pond’ring a fine point of tort
Declared in tones giggly, “Gents!
“My finding is Niggligence!
“This stuff’s been aged less than it ought!”
A fellow thought, sipping some port:
“I lust to make bloodier sport—
With a straw and syringe,
To redouble my binge,
To sip, and to mainline, and snort.”
A fellow was sipping some port
when his wife asked for a report
on his chores to be done
said he,”I’ll get right to it hon”
“When, said she, did this become a resort”?
A fellow was sipping some port
with some friends at a mountain resort
the snow was getting deeper
and the laughs were getting cheaper
so to sleep they had to resort
A fellow was sipping some port
after dinner in his car port
he gleamed at his new ride
and his chest filled with pride
until he read the maintenance report
A fellow was sipping some port
reading his latest stock report
his blue chips were declinin’
and his bills were a climbin’
so his retirement he had to abort
A fellow was sipping some port
Which seems to be not a strange sport
But this port was scuzzy
So how crazy was ‘e
To, such an odd habit, resort?
A fellow was sipping some port
most probably more than he ort
he sipped ’til he slipped
and then he was whipped—
next time he’ll keep his sipping short.
Mad asks us again to rhyme “Port”
The second time within a fort
Night. I think that’s too soon
But still this I’m doin’
Because I just can not ignor’it
A lady was sipping old port
With hard berkswell cheese to assort,
Consuming sensation
With due moderation
And never exceeding one quart.
Said a man: “There’s the USB port!
But dammit, my cable’s too short!”
His wife said, “My dear,
It may reach from the rear.
Failing that, we can call tech support.”
A relaxationist sipping some port
Thought, “This is a hell of a sport!
No running or jumping
No rolling or thumping,
I’ll just have me a mighty, long snort.”
He awoke from his might-long snort
And opened another fine quart
He finished it quickly,
But felt kind of sickly,
But on-his-torso there’s no longer a wart.
As the captain set sail from the port,
The owner enjoyed his escort
From this well managed tug,
Who’s motions he dug!
All and all she made quite the consort.
Shore ’nuff I’ve confused Maddie’s “port”
With a “dock,” both are used for “export”
Although they’re much the same
My complaint is quite lame
And my dignity, this won’t restor’t
When constructing a verse on word “port”
Do not, to trick rhyming, resort
Unless you’re expert
In this art and alert
If you are, hit the gas and just floor’t
Much the same are these words “dock” and “port”
Whether iPod or in water sport
As Cyn ‘n’ them say
Each could go either way
So this thought, I’ll no further explor’t
Think sharp when you rhyme about port
Use meter writ right, I’ll exhort
Do yourself proud
And proofread aloud
That way there’ll be no excuse for’t
A fellow was sipping some port
Now, it looks like his poem will fall short
Meter’s bad, rhyme is crap
Fresh wine stain on my lap
So, methinks that it’s time to abort
A fellow was sipping some port
When his partner yelled “Quick look athwart!”
He looked up and around
Then surprisingly found
That his wine glass was two fingers short
A fellow was cooking with port
Inside of a Swedish resort.
He prepped all day long
While singing a song
“Ye bor de boon. Mort! Mort! Mort!”
A fellow was sipping some port,
While working the thwart of his boat.
He sips more port to a quart.
Until he snort and spurt it out.
A fellow was sipping some port,
Until his face was all in distort.
The technician connects the wrong port
And the motherboard’s fried by the short.
His client’s as silly,
Now threatening shrilly:
“I’ll sue you in high circuit court!”
A young man who loved drinking port
In preference to playing some sport
Overdid this activity
Which caused his rigidity
And he’s now just a buried afterthought.
A Delhi cop kept sipping his port
while six goons had their sport
with a girl on a bus.
He said, “Don’t blame us!
It’s their skirts that are too short.”
Sorry, Madeleine, not a very festive one. Just feeling so angry and upset about it!
Wishing you and everyone here a very merry Christmas and a joyful 2013.
Dogged Supporters 23.12.12
A fellow was sipping some port
While watching his favorite sport
His wife popped her clogs
So he called in the dogs
For some howling moral support
A man who loved guzzling port
Swallowed the stuff by the quart
Though twas anticipated
Death was not grog related
He was killed by heavy transport
A young woman loved drinking port
Mixed in with much indoor sport
So due to this obsession
Joined that oldest profession
And now she’s a Madam in Newport.
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to Madeleine, Mark and family and to all of you great Limerickists. Don Fitzp……………..
Mercury Rising 24.12.12
A fellow was sipping some port
Enough though to make him distort
The truth of the matter
Am not a Mad Hatter!
His Mercury Rising was short
(Mercury rises with heat)
The die hard fan 24.12.12
A fellow was sipping some port
While watching his favourite sport
wife kicked the bucket
he held in and stuck it
She knew they would need his support
A fellow was sipping some port
On safari his aim came up short
With his camera in hand
Got a shot not well planned
Framed the hind end, and huffed off with a snort
© JP/davh
Happy Holly Daze –
Have fun how ever you celebrate!
A fellow was sipping some port,
While choosing a lady to court.
She gave him a smile,
And in a short while,
The evening was theirs to cavort.
A fellow was sipping some port
while watching his favorite sport.
He began drinking
when his team started sinking
and he read a bad scouting report.
A sailor slunk out of a port
with naught but prurient thought.
To a dame he sleazed, ‘You!’ –
she kicked his ass blue,
and now he’s down at the mort.
A fellow was sipping some port
which a cop came and tried to abort
The cop cried out, “Hey!
you can’t drink from the bay!”
The guy knew. “My tongue is too short!”
He attempted to enter her port,
Foreseeing their time to cavort.
He bragged of his girth.
She stifled her mirth,
Sadly finding his stock a bit short.
While sipping a fine Christmas port
I thought about lim’ricks as sport:
Perhaps enough wine
Will make winners of mine
But so far I’m at least a quart short.
A woman was sipping some port,
and thought she saw robot Gort.
“I haven’t had much.
Not more than a touch.”
But really she had a whole quart.
Madeleine who may like to sip port
This year not only brought
To old Fitz just in time
A reason to rhyme
Also saved him becoming distraught.
a fellow was sipping some port
as his ship came into port
and on the rocks did dash
with a mighty crash
and was convicted of illegal im-port
merry christmas mad k
While old Santa was sipping some port,
Dasher poked in the door, gave a snort.
“Need to hurry, Saint Nick,
Got to fly out there quick,
Or this Christmas we’ll be coming up short.”
Rudolph’s nose was as red as a cherry,
Dancer, Prancer were still acting merry.
But they rose to the call,
Comet, Cupid, and all,
And they rushed out the door in a hurry.
Outside Dash stood by Downder and Blitzen
Designated were they, as was Vixen.
As they belted Nick in,
All the deer had a grin –
What a hangover he’d have come mornin’!
Santa raised up his hand with delight,
And the sleigh rose, a toy-ladden kite.
As we closed up the bar,
Santa waved from afar:
“Merry Christmas to all, and good-night!”
While an ailing old man sipped his port
Of material worth he gave thought
About all that you’ve got,
And if you own the lot
It means nothing without health’s support.
A woman was sipping some port
When she laughed out loud with a snort
For before her eyes
Stood a wrapped surprise
Which barked and wagged at his cohorts.
A young woman liked sipping port
Till she’d had one sip more than she ought
So she staggered and barged
And in court she was charged
With no visible means of support
An old fellow sat sipping his port
With the many fond memories it brought
But sadly to say
He’s now had his day
For no more of the old indoor sport.
A French gal was sipping some port
With her boyfriend, a good-looking sort.
The night started fine
With good food and good wine
And ended with la petite mort.
A young lass was drinking some port
with a friend up in his new tree fort
They both were twlelve
but thought they should delve
into life’s mysteries of all sort.
Humpty Dumpty was sipping some port
On a wall round an old Irish fort
And he thought “If I fell
Would it damage my shell?”
Or that’s what the locals report.
A young man was sipping some port
although he was more of a zinfandel sort
As he sat on a vine
He said “It’s all wine
and I could get snorked on a quart!”
A young woman while sipping her port
Had an evil and devilish thought
And would have followed it through
But somehow just knew
By the coppers she’d surely get caught
A hooker who loved sipping port
Had long legs and a cute little ort (Aussie Arse)
When asked, “Do you drink grog,
While doing the job?”
She winked and said, “Sure I’m a sport
While on shore leave, a sailor in port
Got arrested and hauled off to court.
Seems he had a few beers
And then stole girls’ brassieres –
He got busted for lack of support.
While travelling I carried a port
And I filled it with more than I ought
Of biscuits and cakes
Foreign spiders and snakes
So at Customs Of course I got caught.
A man went to a group for sup-port
“My name’s Steve” the man claimed to purport
Then he spoke rather grim
“One day since my last lim”
“Hello Steve!” came the group’s loud retort
Humpty Dumpty now still sipping port
From a bottle which some- one had bought
Got a little bit pissed
Or should I say whist?
I’ll just have to give it some thought.
A frustrated old maid that drank port
Tried out a youth pill that she’d bought
And in no time at all
She was having a ball
With Tom, Dick and Harry and Mort.
An innocent lass drank some port
Which a handsome cityslicker had brought
Now she’s in a real mess
And a Maternity dress
And he’s in Paternity Court.
The newlyweds survived on Port
And the fruits of love, at the Resort
Threw the skins out the door
Causing the owner to roar,
“Your choking my ducks with your sport.”
A fellow while sipping his port
Was served a rare steak at The Court
He cried, “Christ it’s so red,
I don’t think it’s dead.
And I’ll swear that I heard the thing snort.”
A woman who guzzles her port
Was born with a bloody great wart
I won’t say where it’s at
I’ll only say that,
You’d have trouble entering her forecourt.
A fellow was sipping some port
And thought, “Gee, I’d like to cavort.”
So he approached this dame,
Asked for sex and her name,
“I’d love to,” she said, “the name’s Mort.”
A traveler from Liverpool port
To Paree found her language fell short:
“Garçon if you please
Bring me lots of Bleu Cheese.”
“Madame, we have only Roquefort.”
Homage to Gary Hallock:
A gent fond of sipping his port
Faced his wife in a kangaroo court:
She asserted his guilt;
He said “I’ll never spill’t
If you’ll just let me go on and pour’t!”
My apologies in advance:
A sportscaster, fond of her port,
Lost her job with The Evening Report.
Her new gig is tougher
She works as a fluffer
“On staff” at The Wide World of Splort.
A tall lawyer was sipping some port
And therefore was less than alert
Only up to his shoulder
The short one was was bolder
For he had been sipping on Squirt
JzB
A fan dancer who liked to drink port
Imbibed a lot more than she ought
And in the fandango
When she let her fan go
I tell ya the whole audience saw’t.
A fella was sipping some port
and telling of how he’d contort
twisted appendages
and heads in rearendages
when you end up that way… don’t snort!
A fat hooker who drank lots of port
Had info tattooed on her ort
This was really good mate
To check time or the date
Including her charges for sport
A red skirted lass drunk on port
Staggerred to a Post Box in her Court
Where she fell on her thighs
And before she could rise
Three letters were mailed in her ort.
A poet Down Under rhymes “port”
With words of the “thought,” “bought,” “caught” sort.
Is “port” pronounced POT?
Or is THORT said for “thought”?
Or should we consult the World Court?
The woman said mine was too short,
Of the dull, microscopic type sort.
“You’re not a sex symbol
With that little thimble.”
Perhaps if she’d had some more port.
A fellow was sipping some port
Demanding dessert to be brought
Said chef to the waiter
We’ll get him back later
With piss on his strawberry torte.
I sit on mu own sipping port
Who cares if it’s snifter or snort
But if port should be POT
Then snort should be SNOT
And to me that’s a terrible thought
A judge who was sipping some port
During trials saw wine cache run short.
So he called liquor store,
Said, “Deliver some more.”
His request was an order in the court.
An old maid who liked sipping port
Advertised for a man who’d cavort
If theres more than a dozen
She’ll call in her cousin
And they’ll test till she gets the right sort.
A lawyer was sipping some port
While pondering loss in the court.
He was asked what he’d do.
“I’ll appeal and then sue.”
It was both a reply and re-tort.
Santa was sipping some port
With a maiden he wanted to court
She was naughty he knew
And he so wanted to
Stuff her stocking with a present of a sort.
A fellow was sipping some port,
But suspected his serving was short.
“Au contraire,” said the barmaid,
“Such claims often ARE made,
But falter for lack of support.”
A baron was sipping some port
In Versailles at the old Bourbon court.
There came a comtesse,
Who advised: “La noblesse
May have gin as a final resort.”
A lady was sipping some port
With a man who was quite a bit short.
To compensate height-wise,
His crotch, which was pint-sized,
Was padded to look like a quart.
A lady in every port
Was the hope of a sailor named Mort.
In old New Orleans
He made do with queens,
But most were the usual sort.
Dumbledore sipped at some port
With his enemy, Lord Voldemort.
Along came young Potter,
Who warned him: “You oughter
Be careful with whom you consort.”
Miss Muffett was sipping some port
On her tuffet in a dress that was short
That naughty old spider
Looked up and spied her
And said”I think your suspender is caught”.
Catwoman was sipping some port
Whilst robbing the Batcave for sport
Alfred chortled “My word!”
Robin flipped her the bird
Batman snarled “Get out of my fort!”
A woman was sipping some port
When her mom-in-law said with a snort,
“He was raised on filet,
But my son has a way
Of attracting the casserole sort.”
Thanks so much everyone for your fun limericks! This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Congratulations to the Limerick of the Week Winner, the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award Winner, and the Honorable Mention Winners: Limerick of the Week 94.
But don’t worry — you still can have limerick fun, because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Happy New Year Limerick.