Refined Limerick (Limerick-Off Monday)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 11:59 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:
A gal who was very refined…*
or
A man who was very refined…*
*(Minor variations to my first lines are acceptable, but rhyme words may not be altered.)
Here’s my limerick:
Refined Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A gal who was very refined
Found herself in a terrible bind.
She’d been tied up in knots
By two trumpeting Scots.
Her muted response: “Do you mind?”
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Behavior Humor, Limerick Contest, Poetry & Prompts, Refinement, Writing Prompts
A man who was very refined
went slightly out of his mind
He ate someone’s liver
and gave us a shiver
Now Lecter is safely confined.
A gal who was very refined
preferred to relax and unwind
with champagnes from afar
and rare caviar,
‘till she reached a content state of mind.
A gent who was very refined
consistently had wined and dined
debutantes by the score
yet, found them a bore
when they’d share neither good head or mind.
A gal who was very refined
Was tired of her husband being maligned
She said, “this is hard –
Mitt gets less regard
Than the rest of the GOP combined.”
A gal who seemed very refined
In reality had a foul mind
Using all her spare time
Making up rhyme
Of the filthy Limerick kind.
A guy who was most unrefined
Was warned that he would go blind
If he did’nt desist
Making love to his fist
But he gave it a no never mind.
A man who was very refined
But also had sex on his mind
Emphatically proclaimed,
“I truly do feel your pain”
Which was also a great pick-up line
A gal who was very refined
Preferred suitors of a similar mind
If she felt rather chipper
She’d grab hold of his zipper
It was performance art, of a kind
a guy who was most unrefined
pulled poetry from his behind
often free verse
the gift and the curse
as it always danced around his mind
A gal who he thought was refined,
Brought another side quickly to mind.
While eyeing his pants,
She asked, “Want a Dance?”,
Then proceeded to gyrate and grind.
A man who was very refined
Said lady you’re much to confined
Let me show you the ropes
And the slippery slopes
Leave manners behind, bring secrets maligned.
A gal who was very refined
Went out to be wined and dined
She drank Johnnie Black
Then jumped in the sack
And never again she declined
A gal who was very refined
Was tired of the rat race grind.
She moved out of reach,
To her very own beach,
Where she causes all onlookers to go blind.
A gal who was very refined
Ended up going quite blind.
A dog was offered,
Payment proferred,
Poo retinue close behind.
A gal who was very refined
Bought a melon, then went off and dined
The gal wasn’t heedless,
The melon WAS seedless,
But there she sat, holding the rind
A gal who was very refined
In stated ways when she dined
Mistake she regretted
Uncouth dude she dated
Realized a right choice was divine
Hank
My great-aunts were very refined.
When visiting I was inclined
To curtsey so low
That often I’d go
Flat down on my girlish behind.
I loved my mother’s Victorian-born aunts, and knew they loved me, but I could be terrified as well.
When they hosted a gathering of ladies, my sister and I had the job of passing plates of cookies, tarts and hors d’ouevre, as well as carrying tiny silver trays of cream and sugar and wielding silver sugar tongs.
As we weren’t particularly graceful (let’s face it, we were born klutzes) this “honor,” which was intended to contribute to our ladylike upbringing, was usually two hours of torture during which we were expected to smile sweetly at all the old dears who visited “the aunties.”
A gal who was very refined
Brings nobody I know to mind
All the gals that I know
Are just so and so
And they think of me in kind
A woman who’s very refined
Is inclined to be less so when wined.
With sufficient Chablis,
She might even agree
To a Gypsy Rose Lee bump and grind.
A gal who was quite refined
Wouldn’t pay me no mind
I said she was sumpin’
I’d like to be humpin’
She said I was just not her kind
So being this time more refined
I didn’t dare pinch her behind
I said – being polite
You and me girl – tonight
She said I was out of my mind
So how does one get more refined
With you know what still on his mind
I used my best moves
I guess that just proves
I’m really not refined inclined
I want a gal not so refined
One who just shakes her behind
And says “come and get it
And you won’t regret it”
And that gal to me’s the best kind
Now ladies if you’re so refined
That my poetry grates on your mind
Consider the source
The rear end of a horse
A term I am often assigned
A housewife extremely refined
Asked her milkman, “Would you be so kind
As to make your delivery
While dressed in full livery
And please enter the place from behind?”
A gal who was very refined
would sip spirits till she was blind,
holding glass of fine crystal,
she’d get all of the gist till,
with a slide off the couch, dropped behind.
A girl who was very refined,
To others, seemed very unkind,
While in Spain, in the rain,
She slipped on the plain,
It is there that she broke her behind
When a chick says she’s “very refined”
But lets slip that there’s sex on her mind,
It’s not rude to conclude
She’d prefer to be screwed
By a dude from in front, not behind.
A gal who was very refined,
ate the fruit, but eschewed any rind,
even raspberry skin
seemed insufficiently thin
for her compotes; served chilled to begin.
A woman was very refined
Loved old wealthy men, liked ‘em half blind
She wanted champagne, caviar and cake
Thought her new beau was half-baked
When requesting a pre-nup to be signed
A fellow was very refined
Though it was with a cougar he dined
To a few of his friends, she been a trickster
When asked to wed, he’d not budge nor dicker
And demanded a pre-nup be signed
(c)JP/davh
I hope we can enter more than once…
A gal who was very refined
Found herself most uncouthly inclined.
To base rhyme she descends,
And a limerick she pens!
From her lit club she’s forced to resign.
Or, perhaps, this one:
A gal who was very refined
Thought that Verdi was simply divine.
Though she sang with great power,
Her notes were all sour;
For Wagner her voice was designed!
(Verdi once said, “German singers are very powerful. They don’t make music – but they’re very powerful!”)
Oudiva, the more, the merrier!
A man who was very refined
Served Chianti to guests as they dined.
“If our friendship gets strained,”
Mr. Lector explained,
“You may give me a piece of your mind.”
A gal who was very refined
Took a course in burlesque for the blind.
She went twice round the room
With a mouli-legumes
When explaining the meaning of “grind”.
Mitt Romney was very refined
but to 47 percent he was blind;
he dismissed them as takers
or work-challenged fakers
to hand-outs and freebies inclined.
The duchess was not so refined
As to say that she’d terribly mind
If her manservant came
In the front door—no shame—
While the duke himself entered behind.
A gal who was very refined
Could not a discrete lover find
She asked of a Scot,
He said, What you got?
With that, she got stuck in a bind.
Alabama had thought she refined
The old song that Ray Charles had in mind
When she sang, “There’s no peace,
No dream of release,
While Georgia is on my behind.”
A girl who was very refined
Was offered some fun but declined
Said she ‘Understand,
I am untouched by hand ,
And I do want that fact underlined.’
A girl who thought she was refined
Had underwear that was made fur-lined.
Her breasts, round and pink,
Were nestled in mink
While sable embraced her behind.
A man who was very refined
never chose to speak his mind
Until along came a ghost
that would constantly boast
about seeing the man in due time
This young lady who seemed so refined
Privately enjoyed a good grind
But even at this
The prissy young miss
Could’nt handle the stains left behind.
A gal who was very refined
Posted thoughts of the rational kind.
“But these Facebook alerts
Hit my head ’til it hurts,
And they’re driving me out of my mind!”
A man who was very refined
Sought a girl of the profligate kind.
“My butler takes care
Of my meals; what I wear.
But right now, I’ve raw passion in mind.”
A gal who was very refined
Took her pal up the hill, where she pined,
“I’ve no notions of guilt;
Do with me what thou wilt.
From this angle I’m highly inclined.”
A gal who was very refined
was walking one night fully wined.
A saucer came down
threw her to the ground
Encounter, you say? Yes. Third kind.
A matron who was very refined
Didn’t like when she had to remind
Her gentleman caller
(Who was quite a bit smaller)
Not to stare at her ample behind
a gal who was very refined
got entangled with a man
who was blind
he thought she was swell
with a voice like a bell
as the guide dog
sauntered behind
l
A man who was very refined,
Coarse habits he always declined.
Then came a time,
He, bored of this rhyme,
Explored wicked adventures that had him maligned.
A teacher was not too refined
And had quite a lascivious mind.
He used to be trusted
But finally got busted
For feeling a little behind.
A gal who was very refined
Too lavishly wined when she dined;
Said, “Don’t touch the bus-sht
Of the upper crus-sht!”
To a serving man that way inclined.
A gal who was very refined
To pronounce ‘wind’ as ‘wined’ was inclined;
‘For Shakespeare,’ she claimed,
‘In, “Blow, blow,” is famed*
For having it rhymed with “unkind”!’
(‘Blow, blow thou winter wind,
Thou art not so unkind
As man’s ingratitude,’
in case you don’t believe me.)
A gal who was very refined
Would refine poems (words underlined)
Then for better or worse
She would send out her verse
Which the editors always declined.
A gal who was very refined
Drank Chianti Classico wine
At a party one night
Her lips curled up in fright
Said she, `I taste hairs of canine.
A man who was very refined
Met a girl, quite poor, but sublime
He offered to buy her
Silks, satins, sapphires,
But his politics made her decline.
A gal who was very refined
Met a man who ate like a swine
She had no way of knowing
His nose, he’d be blowing
Slurping oysters down two at a time.
We lim’ricists aint too refined —
In fact, “raunchy” just might be too kind,
And your D.P. motif
Was a scream. Here’s my beef:
Now I’m feeling one entry behind.
A gal thought herself quite refined
So she asked if her boyfriend would mind
Kama Sutra-style acts
But did not check her facts
Last I heard, they’re still firmly entwined.
A wealthy dame not too refined:
Her manners she ought to re-find.
When she belched after tea,
She was charged a huge fee;
Belched again: she was caught and re-fined.
There’s this woman whose so, so refined
But to sex she is so uninclined
She thinks it obscene
And extremely unclean
And an insult to all womankind.
This woman was very refined
And had a beautiful mind
While she thought she had class
Face resembled her arse
So to date her you’d have to be blind
Refined Limerick
A gal who was very refined
Met a man with a sweet tooth who pined
For a sugary treat as the best thing to eat
And asked if she was so inclined.
Cheers!
JzB
A young gal once refined
The muscles in her behind
Her mother said Heather
When you squeeze them together
They wrinkle like old lemon rind
a gal who was very refined
for the golden age often repined
when a woman was courted
instead of just sported
as a trophy to be whined and dined.
Did my best Mad–thanks for sharing with us at dVerse tonight.
A girl who was very refined
was feeling slightly maligned
she screwed up her face
crumpling all of her lace
and showed them all
her big bare behind.
A guy who was not too refined
Took a friend out to hunt to unwind.
He took aim at a deer,
Capped his friend in the rear.
(He shot the wrong version of hind.)
A less-favored suitor refined
His approach till it worked as designed:
The chased about-faced,
Said she couldn’t be chaste
By a fellow who came from behind.
Herr Spengler perked up and refined
The idea long fixed in his mind
Upon seeing fair Mae
On the couch where she lay:
“I am glad that the West has declined!”
A suitor revised and refined
His proposal till perfectly signed.
When he got no reply,
He spoke up and asked why.
“You nitwit, I’m NOT deaf—I’m blind!”
A queen who was very refined
had a sailor named Drake on her mind.
“We shall dub thee a knight
if those Spaniards thou’ll smite
till they kisseth our golden behind.”
A man who was very refined
Never felt that life was a grind
Until he missed paying taxes.
Now the IRS axes
Are assigned to grind his behind.
A young woman was very refined
But always had doubts in her mind
That she could endure
All her life life being pure
Without leaving her morals behind.
A naive young lad much refined
With a pox ridden pro wined and dined
But this sexual land lubber
Did not use a rubber
Now his claim to refined has declined.
A gal who was oh so refined
held her pinkie straight up by design.
When she woke itchy-headed
She breakfast-in-bedded,
But it mussed up her hair at tea-time.
Agh! k.
A gal who was very refined
found her lover misaligned….
“A spot of tea for you
maybe a crumpet or two?”
“Nayh,” said he, “I’ll have the hair pie.”
A gal who was very refined
Dated a gentleman who was blind
He was as small as an elf
Mostly kept his hands to himself
Except when he fondled her behind
A bookkeeper coarsely refined
How a term of his trade was defined:
“Double-entry accounting
Is a method of mounting—
One in front plus another behind.”
A mouse who was very refined
Found he was in a bit of a bind
While singing a score
To his intended paramour
A scientist opened the blind
In case no one read this news, science has discovered that male mice do sing to woo their ladies–they can teach each other songs and sing different tunes–puts a whole new spin on Mickey, eh?
Grandpa these days is refined
And all his lewd thoughts left his mind
His wrinkled old doodle
Now resembles a noodle
And from it’s wild days has resigned.
King Arthur was very refined
He and Lancelot, were two of a kind
Rumour had they were gay
For each night they would play
At protecting each others behind.
A young maid who was really refined
Fantasised that one day she’d find
A White Knight on a horse
Who’d abduct her of course
Then a climax with the ultimate grind.
An old maid who was really refined
Had recurring dreams of the kind
Where an alien from Venus
Used his gigantic penis
To give her a bloody good grind.
A gal who was very refined
Loved to be wined and dined.
You had to spend dough
If you wanted her to go
To a fancy-free, footloose state of mind.
A zookeper was very refined
Till he saw two apes having a grind
From this action it seems
He suffered wet dreams
Now his refined mind’s, in a bind
The Captain would act so refined
When at the ships table he dined
But later in bed
Whilst the Mate gave him head
Daydreamed of the Bosun’s behind.
From Patience;
A gal who was very refined
refused to break wind when she dined,
the gas overloaded,
and then she exploded,
her manners were all they could find!
and the Prodigal:
A guy who was very refined
doubted the source of mankind,
“we couldn’t have come
from Dad ape and Mum,
I dont have a bald patch behind”
A woman who wanted “refined,”
After marrying up changed her mind.
She was bored with the ceiling,
But “quadruped kneeling”
His highness could not get behind.
Jamie, avant-garde friends, while refined
Are, qua avant-garde, free, unconfined
By traditional forms
Like positional norms —
If you’re rigid, you’ll just be maligned.
Mitt Romney makes out he’s refined
But agenda shows what’s in his mind
Switching Robin Hood’s pitch
By feeding the rich
And robbing the poor folk blind
A young woman who was refined
With a HIV man was entwined
Learning later her lover
Had not used a rubber
Now her uppercrust rating’s declined.
Mandrake a magician refined
Did feats that would blow out your mind
Now he scorns silk cravats
Or rabbits from hats
To pull “hares” from his hirsute behind.
Old Fitz has tried being refined
But it just does’nt work with his mind
Since finding Mad Kane
He keeps racking his brain
To write verse that is so UNREFINED.
Bossy woman makes out she’s refined
But her demeanour’s the worst you could find
As she holds the floor
Talking down to the poor
With her head stuck right up her behind.
A Man well endowed and refined
Showed a pro who nearly declined
Changed her mind and said “Chum
on it’s end I’ll stick gum,
and if I start chewing unwind”.
A Muslim man was refined
But like most of the rest was inclined
To worry like hell
When he hears the death knell
Handling 72 Virgins assigned.
Poor Spot! Feeling so unrefined
Has him caught in a doggy-style bind:
“My bitch likes it (ruff),
And in this mound of fluff
Her tail end is all I can find!”
A man who very refined.
Had completely gone out of his mind.
Thus he called for his valet.
For get dressed for the ballet.
And wore chaps that exposed his behind.
A couple revised and refined
Their prenup, but left it unsigned.
It seems the affair
That nettled the pair
Was how the word “is” is defined.
A lady who’s very refined
must unfailingly be disinclined
to partake in relations
with freakish mutations,
lest she, and her kin, be maligned.
A butcher thought he had refined
a meat grinder that he designed,
but he sat on it (jerk!) –
you could say in his work
he just got a little behind.
A oilman was highly refined—
Not at all the crude norm of his kind.
He’d drill with such skill
That he never did spill,
Nor leave barren wasteland behind.
In poker, this guy had refined
his technique – left all others behind.
But his game’s in the crapper
since a young whipper-snapper
had a flush to his three of a kind.
A gal who was very refined,
With a mien of a delicate kind,
Occasionally scribbled
Some rhymes that were ribald
And told ’em, if folks didn’t mind.
The President, very refined,
Found nations with which we aligned
In Libya’s foment,
But then his opponent
Insisted he led from behind.
If BP and Exxon refined
And fracked and extracted and mined
Those combustible fossils,
There’d be a colossal
Effect on the globular rind.
A librarian tweaked and refined
The search that a patron assigned:
” ‘Celebrity nude’
Is perhaps a bit crude—
Renoir is the best I could find.”
While trombones are not highly refined
In their tuning while marching aligned,
That’s as good as it gets
When beset by cornets—
A hundred and ten right behind.
refined …
While their tuning is not as refined
As their manner of marching aligned,
The trombones, one forgets,
Are made deaf by cornets—
A hundred and ten right behind.
A pharmacist thought she’d refined
What to say when a card was declined
But when Willie’s Cialis
Bounced back, with no malice
The words “Serve ‘er down!” sprang to mind.
A librarian searched and refined,
Leaving no bit of data unmined.
Her quarry: not books,
But the vilest of crooks—
Every overdue patron was fined.
A professional woman refined
Her terms for a client’s cash bind:
“It’s been such a pleasure,
You may pay at your leisure.
Better yet, I’ll take payment in kind.”
“He’s intelligent, witty, refined
A good listener, loving and kind …”
“And you’re here WHY?” (the shrink).
“Um, we’re rarely in synch…
Fact, I’m ninety orgasms behind.”
Mitt Romney has surely refined
His rep as a horse’s behind.
He’s (among other crimes)
Changed positions more times
Than the studs in our lim’ricks combined.
Thanks very much everyone for your fun limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Congratulations to the Limerick of the Week Winner, The Facebook Friends’ Choice Award Winner and the Honorable Mention Winners: Limerick of the Week 84.
But don’t worry — you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick Pose.