Rueful Limerick (Limerick-Off Monday)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse.
I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:
A fellow was starting to rue…*
or
A woman was starting to rue…*
*(Minor variations to my first lines are acceptable, but rhyme words may not be altered.)
Here’s my limerick:
Rueful Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A fellow was starting to rue
His decision to holler his boo
At a Will Shakespeare play.
What ensued was a fray:
About nothing, he feared, much ado.
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
UPDATE: April 23 is Talk Like Shakespeare Day.
Tags: April Holidays, Audience Limerick, Behavior Humor, Limerick Contest, Odd Holidays, Plays, Poetry & Prompts, Shakespeare Humor, Talk Like Shakespeare Day, Theater Humor, Theater Poem, William Shakespeare, Writing Prompts
An Inuit began to rue
Her rendezvous in an igloo.
When shedding her clothes,
Her nether parts froze:
Her tits were as cold as bijoux.
A Cajun gal was beginning to rue
The way she was cooking her stew
She’d gone off the page
Leaving out cayenne and sage
And didn’t even start with a roux!
It’s been ages since I wrote a limerick. I don’t know why I stopped.
A fellow was starting to rue
Why? he just hadn’t a clue
He wanted out
Was too proud
To admit, sulked and remained blue
Hank
A woman was starting to rue
All the pounds she had gathered anew
Seems she’d taken a cruise
Grazed on chocolate and booze
Now her scale read: one please, not two
A fellow was starting to rue
the job he had down at the zoo
For he studied a monkey
Who was feeling quite spunky
And didn’t respond to his shoo
A fellow was starting to rue
The fact that his payment was due
For he had no money
To give to this honey
Who usually got money to screw
A woman was starting to rue
That she didn’t have the good sense to
Quench the man’s thirst
Without getting paid first
Just like all the good call girls do
Now her pimp was beginning to rue
This new girl who hadn’t a clue
To make sure she got paid
Before being laid
so what was a good pimp to do
Now this fellow was correct to rue
The day that he screwed with these two
For the pimp had a bat
When he got through with that
The fellow was left black and blue
This woman was starting to rue
When she ordered McDonald’s brew
She found it too hot
When it burned her twat
And you know the woman did sue
McDonalds was starting to rue
The fools who ordered its brew
Who then somehow forgot
That hot coffee is HOT
And when spilled what HOT coffee would do
This fellow is starting to rue
A limerick that he sent to you
For it had this one word
That shouldn’t be heard
When a lady is within his view
This woman was starting to rue
this fellow that she hardly knew
who would send her a rhyme
Almost every time
She posted a comment or two
A fella was starting to rue
his youthful pursuit – sniffing glue
It wasn’t a minus
until his sinus
was housing a model or two!
A fellow was starting to rue
the fact that lived in a zoo.
“The pay’s great,” he said,
“but I must share my bed
with an aardvark, a boar and a gnu.”
This fellow was starting to rue
The day that he ran into you
For you flame his addiction
To poetry fiction
He’s in love with the fact that you do
A fellow was starting to rue
As he paddled his leaky canoe
That his vessel would sink
And he’d land in the drink
And who knows what happens to you.
A lady was starting to rue
her fella’s addiction to chew
his smile had turned brown
which caused her to frown
and watch other parts turning blue
This woman was starting to rue
Her monthly friend was over due
She said I’m no virgin
Now I’ve got this urgin’
To start eating enough for two
A woman was starting to rue
She only had sex with a few
Guys who could please her
But barely would squeeze her
Before they announced they were through.
A fellow was starting to rue
Quick sex and then he was through
While in bed this poor schnook
Watched his gal read a book
For in a minute he promptly withdrew.
A fellow was starting to rue
A gal he picked up anew
She gave him a dime
For wasting her time
But a fortune for dinner he blew.
A woman was starting to rue
That her lover was being untrue
The rumours were rife
So she spoke to his wife
Now the subject is strictly taboo.
A guy was beginning to rue
The day that he said, “Oh, I DO!”
To a gal sweet as honey
(He thought she had money)
Can’t afford a divorce, so they’re both really blue!
A limericist started to rue
His endeavors the past week or two
All that clever invention
Got nary a mention
(Perhaps I should switch to haiku.)
The handyman started to rue
That the tools in his kit were too few
When his client, a dame,
Said “No condom?” A shame,
But it looks like you’re missing a screw.
A craftsman was starting to rue
His use of so much instant glue
When wife grabbed a tube
Of vaginal lube …
What happened I’ll leave up to you.
A fellow was starting to rue
His attempt to woo
When he felt down below
And what do you know
A pecker popped up on cue
A playboy was starting to rue
That he’d bidden the fast life adieu
For the life of a shepherd—
His days only peppered
By occasional trysts with a ewe.
Ms. Violet was starting to rue
the day She bought her first Lou-
boutins ‘cause stepping down
Brought her low to the ground
Shrinking Violet vanished from view.
For Jamie (and Mike on Facebook):
The playboy-turned-shepherd did rue
He had only the livestock to screw
Then he got led to bed
By a woman who said
“It’s better with me than with ewe.”
A daughter had thought that she’d rue
That her father had been so untrue
But New York let him marry
His dance partner Gary
Now she’s proud of her new pas-de-deux.
So this working girl started to rue
All her Craigslist ads banned as taboo
Getting clever, linguistically,
Wrote euphemistically
She’s quite good at “playing kazoo.”
A fellow was starting to rue
His reach for the wrong shampoo
It made his head itch
Son of a bitch!
The suds were made for a Shih Tzu
A fellow was starting to rue
His search for the sexually new.
Her licking was nice,
And it added some spice,
But when did he ask her to chew?
A fellow was starting to rue
The day that his little girl grew
From a sweet innocent
To a vixen hell bent
On doing what young women do.
A nudist was starting to rue
Ever moving to rural Mizzou:
“I came here to hide,
But instead I reside
Not in one show-me state, but in two!”
A fellow was starting to rue
His impulse to get a tattoo.
He let out a groan
When the needle hit bone
And then traveled all the way through.
A fellow was starting to rue
His decision to serve his date stew:
“If you value my jaw
She winked, don’t make me gnaw
This tough meat. Fillet only will do.”
A fellow was starting to rue
That he ever decided to be true
The fiancée he chose
Loved so much shopping for clothes
That his bank balance was minus accrue
A fellow was starting to rue
The occasion he told her, “I do.”
He said to the judge
“I don’t love her that much,
So, Your Honor, please make it, ‘Adieu.'”
A woman was starting to rue
That she’d told Bill the Builder, “I do.”
She found that male dolts
Comprehend nuts and bolts
But they don’t understand “gentle screw”.
The poet was starting to rue
Every week when a limerick was due
Just like the plop
Each one was a flop
Cause he wrote while he sat in the loo.
A singer was starting to rue
singing the line ba-ba-boo
They said you can’t sing
like that fellow named Bing
So he started to sing doo-bee-doo.
A woman was starting to rue
Her new hairstyle – much MUCH too foo-FOO!
Forget “save the receipt.”
When your normally sweet
Cockapoo humps your doo, time to sue!
Dear Phyllis, there’s nothing I’d rue
More than mixing up KY and glue.
The mere thought of some rake
With a “stick” that won’t break
Guarantees I will ne’er again screw.
A shepherd was starting to rue
That a knitter gave in to his woo:
The sex was no better—
With her hat, socks, and sweater—
Than that which he’d had with a ewe.
A woman was starting to rue
Her choice of a man to redo
Her house’s décor
When she fell through the floor
And landed on spikes of bamboo.
Too many have gone on to rue
Delaying a trip to the loo.
Hear this, one and all:
When the urge comes to call
Piddle not; ‘taint a thing to poo poo!
A fellow was starting to rue
his decision to stop drinking brew.
It happened one night.
He said, “It’s alright.
I’m simply just having a few.”
A young man was starting to rue
That he practised too hard at Kung Fu
So I said “If you’re arty
You may like Karate.
But don’t come near me if you do.”
A shepherd’s mate started to rue
That the shepherd was screwing that ewe
“Each time that you boob
I’ll post it on ewe -tube
And show the whole world what you do.”
A fellow was starting to rue
All the noise and hullabaloo
It all started when
He got out of his pen
Disguised as a blue kangaroo.
The shepherd continue to rue
Re liaisons he had with the ewe
One day he was found
Flat on the ground
And they buried him under a yew.
A fellow was starting to rue
That he’d hopped on that plane to Peru.
He got ghastly edema
When visiting Lima,
Which wasn’t a swell thing to do.
A fellow who’d started to rue,
How he’d sniffed, as a lad, too much glue,
Said “I know what I know:
That Obama must go.”
(And most brain-damaged folks think so, too!)
A fellow was starting to rue
his choice of a quiet rendezvous
when his girl took a chance
saying “hey, let us dance!”
Now they’re both getting hits on Yahoo.
A cross dresser started to rue
The affair with the hunk passing through
They ignored protection
Which led to infection
Yup- crabs up and down the wazoo
A young groom was starting to rue
so much liquor- he just couldn’t screw
Til his bride, in her slip
Kept a stiff upper lip
Now neither regrets saying “I do!”
I fear I will soon start to rue
Dirty lim’ricks I’ve posted for view
I’m really quite kind
With no dirty mind
What’s an insomniac to do?
A fellow was starting to rue
the condom he’d bought in the loo–
Not much use for this,
he thought as his miss,
didn’t show at their planned rendezvous.
Thanks so much for your kind comments, Madeleine.
k.
Insomniac starting to rue
Recited her lines thru and thru
“So this is my mantra
I won’t throw a tantra
No matter what poo I’m into”
A chef was starting to rue
About what he might add to his stew
He though just a squeeze
But instead had to sneeze
And gave all of his diners the flu
I know you are starting to rue
Your diversion with said curly ewe
But you’re such a glutton
For an old neck of mutton
Which really belongs in the stew.
CORRECTION
A woman was starting to rue
The shine that she put on her shoe
With her skirt on in town
All the men would look down
Enjoying the excellent view
A rooster was starting to rue
His barnyard companions. This crew
Was motley indeed
And he found himself treed
By a hybrid of gator and ‘roo.
A fellow was starting to rue
Re-doing his story anew
The words wouldn’t come
He was almost struck dumb
And he knew that a few wouldn’t do.
A fellow was starting to rue
His wife’s overuse of fondue.
“I’m fond of you, dear,
But I’ll make myself clear:
Hon, you must cut the cheese, or we’re through!”
A fellow was starting to rue
young he didn’t know what to do
from across the hall
almost six feet tall
gently she taught him what to do
A woman was starting to rue
Her choice of a boyfriend. “It’s true
He’s honest and kind
But when we bump and grind
He’s more cowpoke than wild buckaroo!”
One should hope folks are starting to rue,
Bestiality in this venue.
I do not wish, of course,
To beat off a dead horse,
But to spew in a ewe? O mon Dieu!
These “poets” are starting to rue
That their ewe jokes are ever so blue
When we start to prattle
Let’s leave out the cattle
Don’t blame them for what humans do.
A fellow is starting to rue
Having lent his new left shoe to Lou.
The one-legged lad
Brought it back smelling bad,
Now each second step reeks like fresh pooh!
An old maid had reason to rue
When she lured a young man in to woo.
His athletic skill
Almost led to a kill,
When she damn near was split into two!
A fellow was starting to rue
The day he’d taken up with Sweet Sue.
Her touch might be light
But she did love to fight,
And the good times became rather few…:(
Woody Allen refuses to rue
The scene* with the black-stockinged ewe –
She’s Gene Wilder’s sweet pet,
Quite the ovine coquette;
“Daisy” rated a five star review.
*from the movie “Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex But Were Afraid to Ask” (1972). Daisy was really quite an attractive sheep. And I can’t speak for Woody Allen – perhaps he does regret the scene…but why would he? It was brilliant.
A fellow was starting to rue
All those things he used to do
Treating animals as second class
Always acting mean, cruel and brash
It was only fitting he was fired from the zoo
A traveler was starting to rue
His last trip outside Kathmandu
He met up with a monk
with whom he got drunk
On yak’s urine spiked with it’s poo.
Oops, forgot to cross-post this one from Facebook:
Un soir as I walked down la rue
A chat noir et blanc came in view
I knelt down to pet it
But soon I’d regret it
Le chat? It was Pepé Le Pew!
And this one:
@Jamie’s shepherd:
You should not be beginning to rue
It’s no contest twixt me and the ewe.
You just go right to sleep
After me OR the sheep,
But come morning I’ll make breakfast, too!
A fellow was starting to rue
Making love to his pet kangaroo.
When she started to hop
He called out, “Dear, stop.
You’re upsetting my didgeridoo!”
A fellow was starting to rue
The things that he once used to do.
“My life here so far
Has been well below par
And next month, says Mom, I’ll be two.”
The client was starting to rue
His new lawyer’s reluctance to sue.
“Slip and fall? Barking dog?
Ex-wife’s libelous blog?
I’ve got plenty of cases for you.”
A woman was starting to rue
Her choice of brand new pantaloons
Should’ve bought a size four
But instead she swore
No, really, I wear a size two
Mitt Romney is starting to rue
Some things that his firm used to do:
Letting businesses fail
To rake in the kale.
Now, don’t it make red states blue?
The chef was beginning to rue
His ineptness at blending a roux.
But he made it with ease
When he used bacon grease,
Like all the Hungarians do.
This is my heritage. The roux is called Rántás, and this is how it’s done. [I have no idea what in the hell she is talking about. No speak-a da language.]
Note the importance of using a wooden spoon – this is my favorite word in Hungarian: fakanál!
Cheers!
JzB
A hooker was starting to rue
what she said to her John she would do.
“His kink’s not exciting.
He has me reciting
the writings of Albert Camus.”
A poet was starting to rue
how is limericks stopped at line two.
Bo Peep was beginning to rue
Teaching her sheep how to moo;
So she asked he friend, “How’s
One to tell them from cows?”
“I’ll sleep on it,” yawned Little Boy Blue.
That old woman was starting to rue
The day she moved into a shoe:
“How my life would BE altered
“If some kind REaltor’d
“Just find me a size 32!”
Sherlock Holmes was beginning to rue
Writing limericks; he hadn’t a clue!
“Will THIS one please Mad?”
Dr Watson looked sad,
“A lame entry, dear Holmes, in my view!”
A housewife was starting to rue
That her husband had nothing to do
Now listen you loafer
I am not just a gopher
There are jobs and I’ll give you a few.
Humpty Dumpty (again) started to rue
That his talents were only a few
Now if I were clever
I’m sure I would never
Sit on this wall and be blue
A fellow was starting to rue
having ever said anything true.
So he started to lie
and became quite a guy.
Mitt Romney’s his name. But, you knew.
A woman was starting to rue
moving out of a state that was blue.
She moved to the south
and opened her mouth
“Better red than dead” isn’t true!
A fellow was starting to rue
His walk in the rain – “I’b got flu!
By body id achig,
I’b stezig ad shakig
I’d radder be dead – ah-achoo!”
A tipsy host started to rue
Over-eating the chocolate fondue.
Be careful of diction
When asking to “lick son
more skwooers” — your guests might come through.
A fellow was start to rue
His decision to visit Peru.
It wasn’t the scenery,
It was the odd cuisinery:
Alpaca soup and Guinea-Pig stew.
A puppy was starting to rue
His destruction of Daddy’s left shoe;
Daddy picked up the right one
And said, “Don’t you bite, son –
I’ve a hambone to pick at with you.”
Jack & the Beanstalk started to rue
When he reached branch 102
How high must I go
For this pot of dough?
When I get it I owe it to you.
The owner was starting to rue
The day he hired this crew.
They ain’t the be all
at cookin the creole.
No roux, then this gumbo’s just stew!
A fellow was starting to rue
The potion he drank with the glue
The top of his head
turned purple then red
and covered the ceiling with goo.
A fellow was starting to rue
The day he said bugger to Chue
for Chue did demand
the money he hand
but, he thought he was talking to Stue
A husband to wife said: I rue
to critic’ the picture you drew
for knowing darn well
disaster it spell
I’d rather jump off the Montbleu
There was once a fellow who rue
the moment he put on his shoe
The scorpion king
brandished his sting
He thought it was supper for two
A fellow was starting to rue
neglecting to lace up his shoe
cause mud after loot
sucked off his left boot
and caught his face first as he flew
Shiki-san started to rue
That he ever invented haiku:
“Regrettably, it’s
For those sensitive twits
Who have nothing better to do.”
A fellow was starting to rue
His detour on Route 22:
“Route 1’s fun to drive,
As is I-95,
Or the Turnpike, to mention a few.”
A woman was starting to rue
That she painted her fingernails blue;
“I thought I’d look hot,
But regrettably not;
Perhaps I should switch to ecru?”
Thanks so much everyone for your delightful limericks! This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Congratulations to the Limerick of the Week Winner, the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award Winner and the Honorable Mention Winners: Limerick of the Week 71.
But you can still have lots of Limerick-Off fun, because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: The Face Of Limericks.