Astute Limerick (Limerick-Off Monday)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse.
I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:
A man who was very astute…*
or
A gal who was very astute…*
*(Minor variations to my first lines are acceptable, but rhyme words may not be altered.)
Here’s my limerick:
Astute Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A man who was very astute
Was stunned to be given the boot.
He dealt with that blow
By building a co
That sells shoes, so his job loss was moot.
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Business Humor, Job Loss Humor, Limerick Contest, Money Verse, Poetry & Prompts, Shoes Limerick, Workplace & Career Humor, Writing Prompts
A gal who was very astute
heard her date belch out loudly then toot.
She glared at this dude,
said, “You’re ruder than rude.”
After which she gave him the boot.
by Michael Grove
A man who is very astute
Knows that sometimes it’s best to stay mute.
If your girl asks on chat,
“Do you think that I’m fat?”
Just pretend that you have to reboot.
The stripper was very astute.
Cunning as well as quite cute.
She’ll play your friend
up till the end,
or until you run out of loot.
by Michael Grove
A guy who was very astute
Had ways of begetting much loot
Even roadside zoos full of does,
Zebras, pythons and crows
With the main star an old bandicoot.
He added a hot-air balloon
(Up at sunset, down under the moon).
Then amusement park rides
Went in on both sides
And he was rich by the middle of June.
A man who was very astute,
Pointed out “Truth is not absolute.
Religion is dated.
Physics? Overrated.”
(Of course, his point also was moot.)
A girl who was very astute
Was also alarmingly cute
She’d use men for their money
By promising honey–
When promise time came she would scoot!
A man who was very astute
Said, “There’s someone I’d like to boot;
He’s a politician
Bound for perdition.
By his lies, he’ll polity pollute!”
A girl who was very astute
Thought a maths teacher was cute
But he only had eyes
For functions of pi
Until she showed him a lovely square root.
A man who was normally astute
Was chasing a lady of repute.
She was known in society
For her gross impropriety
But he couldn’t have given a hoot.
A girl who was very astute
Avoided the guys in pursuit
By taking them aside
To quietly confide
That she already had one up the chute.
A man who was very astute
Was also extremely hirsute.
The girls were all wary
About men who were hairy,
Something he was keen to refute.
A man who was very astute
Told the young girls they were cute.
If they’d blush with coy pleasure
He’d established a measure
To have his wicked way , the brute!
A man who was very astute
Went shopping to purchase a suit
Said “I’m short of a shekel
Can you give me a special?”
She said “Not in this shop Sir. Now scoot!”
Our English Prof, very astute,
Ruled prepositional endings kaput.
He’d snarl as he whacked us,
“Desist from this practice,
Up WITH it I simply won’t put!”
Alcoholic but very astute
He came home “as pissed as a newt”
He staggered and wobbled
He lurched and then hobbled
Cause his money was stashed in his boot.
You are a true master of this form. I’ll think upon it and return.
A banker who seemed quite astute
Was facing a mammoth law suit
From his villa in the sun
He said “I’m undone”
“They can take me for all but my ‘ute'”
A greengrocer, very astute,
Found a way of increasing his loot;
He purchased large numbers
Of leeks and cucumbers
And sold them a dollar a foot.
(PS: That one will please my doctor. He recommends at least five fruit-and-veg Limericks a day.)
Now Big Al thinks he’s astute
And writes limericks to Mad Kane to suit
Though he writes them to seek
The “best of the week”
He’s been foiled in this pursuit.
A gal who was very astute,
received very little repute.
And because of her dress,
she is doomed to earn less,
than a swinging dick wearing a suit.
A man who was very astute
Held false prophets in deep disrepute:
Their allure is skin-deep;
They are wolves dressed as sheep;
“Ye shall know them,” he said, “by their fruit.”
(Matthew 7, 15-16)
A man who was very astute
Made friends with a colorful newt
They were joined at the hip
Until the man got a good grip
Squashing him as he searched for some loot
A man who is very astute
Will say “flatulence,” not like the brute
Who says “fart,” “cut the cheese,”
And phrases like these,
Of which the most foul is “ass toot.”
A fellow who’s not too astute
Has no worries about his repute—
He belches out loud,
Picks his nose in a crowd,
Gets his mail in an old birthday suit.
A man who was very astute
Heard some protestors holler and hoot.
While FOX News had a day
With this clamorous fray,
He just grabbed the remote and hit MUTE.
Both poets and comics astute,
When about to be given the boot,
Will resort to venereal,
To the “dirty material”—
The laurels and laughs follow suit.
A guitarist who’s very astute
was reading about King Canute
said “in olden days”
to play “Purple Haze”
I would’ve been jamming on lute!
A fella who wasn’t astute
his girlfriend just gave him the boot
upset at this switch
he called her a bitch
said “lady, you aint even cute”
A gal who was rather astute
accepted she wasn’t that cute
to find her a mate
she ended each date
performing etudes on the skin flute
A man who was very astute
chased a girl who was very cute
But his age was too high
so the girl said goodbye
She said, “I don’t want an old coot.”
Electrician not very astute
Neglected to check his conduit
But lucky for him
His assistant named Jim
Tripped over and broke the circuit.
A girl who was very astute
Decided to try “an old coot”
“Don’t worry ’bout that
You’re bald and you’re fat
I’ll collect when you’ve gone down the chute”
A man who was very astute
Never missed any chance to loot
He did the same with Mr.Tardus
Who got vexed and created a fuss
Before kicking him with a metal boot
A merchant who was quite astute
sold Indian rugs made of jute.
So modern, of course
his fact’ry outsourced
and made them all in Zamyn-Üüt
The trombonist was very astute,
Placed behind the young belle who played flute:
He aimed his big slide
Just off to the side,
And he softened his tone with a mute.
A candidate not too astute,
her photo ops were quite a hoot.
The State Fair corn dog
hit many a blog,
and then she dropped out before Newt.
A witch who was very astute
had quite an amazing repute
her potions she’d boil
in water, not oil
before she would add eye of newt.
The trombonist was very astute,
Placed behind the young belle who played flute:
He worked his big slide
Without letting it ride
And “protected” the girl with a mute.
A man who was less than astute
Sought to shorten his lengthy commute.
With pedal to metal
He felt in fine fettle
‘Til cops began high-speed pursuit.
A man who was very astute
Found his checkbook just did not compute
So he said to his wife
“I can’t for my life
Figure what you have done with our loot”
A character rarely astute,
an “Office”-er they call Dwight Schrute.
I’ve watched every season,
but he’s not the reason.
It’s mostly because Pam is cute.
A gal who was very astute
Spent an hour in molding each glute.
Since she did this each day,
Her well-toned “walk-away”
Caused men everywhere to salute.
A man who was known as astute
Chose drinks that were very dilute.
“If I have a snootful
I cannot be fruitful;
My self I choose not to pollute.”
People often ask, how did you land such an attractive wife?
And I tell them I used to work on “Wall Street” and back in the day
I used to wear these finely tailored three piece suits, which hide
a lot of sins, so this Limerick is dedicated to those days.
A gal who was very astute
Had given each fatty the boot.
But one took her in.
She thought him quite thin,
By the drape of his fine three-piece-suit.
A man who was very astute
played a card from his very best suit.
But the deal fell through.
What escaped his view:
his prospect could not give a hoot.
A man who was very astute
Used rope, not of hemp but of jute
For rock-climbing ventures:
“On hemp, lost my dentures
And fell on my butt off a butte.”
A traveler not very astute
Left his map in the pocket of his suit
So then he got lost
And at very great cost
His cab took a circuitous route.
A man who was very astute
Took pride in sagacious pursuits
Yet he took much flack
For his lack of tact
When calling a foe bright but obtuse
A man who was very astute
played hours and hours the flute
and they forced him to stop
with a wet wiping mop
& he thought that this was pretty rude
A gal who was very astute
Had a big earring to boot
She was made up to dazzle
And hid all the frazzle
But still, she didn’t look very cute.
A man who was very astute
was rendered totally mute
when he found that his wife
had found a new life
and had made it away with his loot.
A man who was very astute
thought, as laundry sailed down the chute.
“If I wasn’t so old,
I might just be so bold
as to try it;it’d be a hoot.”
A man who was very astute
could not see he was being a brute,
for his faith in his mind
was so sure all the time,
that he knew not his own inner truth.
A man who was very astute
At a concert for lute and for flute
Knew the show would be bad
And the audience mad
So he brought a large crate with bad fruit
A corporal very astute
Said to a brand new recruit
” We’ll get on just fine
Is it your bunk or mine?
And I’ll teach you how to salute?”
A man who was very astute
Told his son, “Married bliss? Here’s the route:
When you notice that flaw
In your mother-in-law,
You’ll be far better off staying mute.”
A woman who some thought astute
Kept all of her cash in a boot
Along with some cheese,
Seven sets of her keys
And a small salamander or newt.
A man who was very astute
Knew to marry he needed much loot
But he made a mistake
To save money he did bake
The wedding cake, Oh My, what a hoot !!
A gal, who was very astute,
Of her lifestyle declared, resolute:
“Whereas vegan I eat,
There is one kind of meat
For which there is just no substitute.”
A gal who was very astute
Lacked only a business suit
Her look complete,
She could compete,
At $500, she turned up her snoot. (Her title? Intellectual Effete.)
Someone who is very astute
Might dream up a scheme to have loot
Without robbing banks
And pulling no pranks
But saving, and remaining mute.
A man who was very astute
Sweet-talked a girl he thought was quite cute
While he pinched her gold locket
And picked both her pockets
’cause he was a pirate out looking for loot
An angel very astute
Practised all day on the lute
Saying ” God please don’t carp
I have fractured my harp
And the moon-dust has clooged up my flute.”
That professor so very astute
Had a temper extremely acute
He’d say “Detention you twit”
If an infinitive you split
“You must rapidly exit the tute”.
For the kiddies….
Now Santa Claus very astute
In his sleigh kept a spare new red suit
He had had it before
As he slipped to the floor
His undies were covered in soot.
(With apologies to Jamie Hutchinson for the inadvertent theft)
A man who was very astute
Learned beans are the musical fruit.
When he was in college
Acquiring knowledge
He frequently made his ass toot.
A gal who was very astute
Was briskly engaged in pursuit
Of dingoes “down under”
But made a small blunder
And captured an old bandicoot.
A guy who was very astute
Hoped to get chicks by talking of jute
But it turns out that facts
About fibers and flax
Are a turn-off to anyone cute…
Once a fellow not very astute
When out teaching small offspring to shoot
Heard his wife (One who cares
For the rights to arm bears}
Shouting, “Pick up your UZI and scoot!
An interesting fact I discovered, when looking up UZI to see if I had spelled it right, is that it must be spelled with all caps.
A man who was very astute
Said his company would never pollute
Pristine rivers and clean streams
To profit by any means
But the board soon gave him the boot.
A gal who was very astute
With a will so firmly resolute
That she never recoiled
As nature she despoiled
For profit and a big pile of loot.
This gal who was very astute
Found her mind began to compute
So high a reward
That she plucked from the board
A bonus no investor would dispute.
A robot was very astute
In figuring out a square root
But sometimes his twitches
Would generate glitches
And nothing at all would compute.
A gal who was very astute.
Her tastes rarely suffered dispute.
She liked all things “Dry”,
And with men, a “Rough Guy”,
So for “Bubbly” and “Men” it was “Brut.”
A gal who was not so astute
Wasn’t sure if her body looked cute.
A celebrity tease,
She’ll aesthetically please,
But no one at all gives a hoot.
A gal who was very astute
Began seeking a good substitute
For her Malamute dog
That ate like a hog;
She wanted a mutt more minute.
A man who was very astute,
used his brain to earn lots of loot.
But he got in the way
of a burglar one day
and he used his astuteness to shoot.
The outcome was not so astute
Policemen set off in pursuit
as they didn’t approve
of that kind of move –
and were hoping to prosecute.
A saleswoman very astute
At the market was selling some fruit
You may squeeze my apples
But not my pine-apples
Unless you are awfully cute.
My doctor is rather astute:
“Your blue pill reaction’s acute,
And it has to go down,”
He said with a frown,
“Or further indulgence is moot.”
A man who was very astute
Had a penchant for playing the flue
He taught himself well
`Til his fingers did swell
Like fast sausage, too thick to toot.
—————————
A woman who was very astute
Ran a house of ill-repute
Her clients were rich
With one glaring glitch
As targets of blackmail they can’t bring suit.
—————————
A man who was very astute
Had a wife who was a real beaut
Short-skirted, she flirted
With men who alerted
Her husband, who confiscated the loot.
—————————-
A woman who was very astute
Hired a body guard who was a brute
To screen out the losers,
Braggarts and boozers
From her club, but he took bribes, the galoot!
A model not very astute
Purchased a new bathing suit
It cost quite a lot
But for Heaven’s sake what?
Two small bits of cloth tied with jute.
A gal who was hardly astute
But knew how to wink and look cute
Morphed from sweet Miss Wasilla
To Fox News Attila;
We all wish she’d stuck to the flute.
A math whiz was very astute
But beyond that not much of a hoot;
Couldn’t fathom why folks
Didn’t laugh at his jokes
Pi not funny? That doesn’t compute!
A ball player not so astute
decided to pass and not shoot
it went to a punk
who messed up a dunk
and cost them the game and some loot
Thanks so much everyone for your fun limericks! This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Congratulations to the Limerick of the Week Winner, the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award Winner, and the Honorable Mention Winners: Limerick of the Week 66.
But you can still have lots of limerick fun, because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick Doubt.