Unpersuasive Limerick (Limerick-Off Monday)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse.
I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:
A woman who tried to persuade…*
or
A fellow who tried to persuade…*
*(Minor variations to my first lines are acceptable, but rhyme words may not be altered.)
Here’s my limerick:
Unpersuasive Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A woman who tried to persuade
A banker to come to her aid
Got no help with a loan—
Not so much as a bone.
No bucks for her horse bus’ness. Nayed!
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bank Humor, Banking Limerick, Business Loan Humor, Horse Humor, Limerick Contest, Loans & Borrowing, Money & Finance Humor, Persuasion Humor, Poetry & Prompts, Writing Prompts
A fellow who tried to persuade
his wife to employ a French maid,
was truly a louse,
wound up in the dog house,
and in need of plenty of first aid.
by Michael Grove
A fellow had tried to persuade
His girlfriend to let him get laid,
But his kinky sex game
She found totally lame,
Now his ecstasy must be hand-made.
nayed…haha, i like that..smiles…
a man who tried to persuade
a woman he needed to paid
for services rendered
no money was tendered
and his pride was certainly slayed
A fellow who tried to persuade
A charming lady who had it made
That he’s God’s gift
But hard to believe
Quick exit he did and to just fade
Hank
a young lass who tried to persuade
her lit prof to enhance her grade
waited after to class
to offer her ass
but didn’t expect the parade
A fellow who tried to persuade
Me to sample the cookies he made
Didn’t realize gluten
Makes me to start tootin’.
I’m celiac. Wheat’s a grenade.
A fellow who tried to persuade
His date that he had to get laid
Found he’d run out of luck
And that casual f**k
Would, once again (damn!) be delayed.
A fellow who tried to persuade
Me to guess at how much his wife weighed
Didn’t mention that she
Was right there behind me.
I got smacked. Guessed too high, I’m afraid.
A woman who tried to persuade
Her husband to quit his tirade
Found while words wouldn’t work
On the thick headed jerk
A pan let her point be conveyed
A husband once tried to persuade
His much-younger wife a three-way’d
Be exactly the thing!
MFF, ba da bing!
They’re both single now, so… Well played!
A woman who tried to persuade
Her fiancé to buy her a suede,
Was surprised, “Listen, Rita!
“I’m a member of PETA!
“You’ll be very dismayed, I’m afraid!”
A preacher tried to persuade
His flock that they should remain staid
If you keep your legs crossed
Your soul won’t be lost
Or your journey to Heaven delayed.
A fellow who tried to persuade
A reluctant but very shrewd maid
Could only divest her
As an angel investor
In her start-up. To wit: the guy paid.
GWB’s real stratergery
George W. Bush tried to persuade
Claiming he was on a crusade
You and I well know
He was after the dough
From Iraq’s superior grade
A young girl who tried to persuade
Her boyfriend to buy her some jade
Said “Don’t be so mean
You know I love green
And I’ll uphold ‘ that promise’ I made”
A woman who tried to persuade,
Would argue a spade wern’t a spade,
That black was white,
And she’s always right,
They believed the lies that she made.
The woman who tried to persuade,
Often she lied about age,
Told a man she was 20,
And incredibly wealthy,
But she’s 60 in 32 days.
About a persuasive Priest
A suave pastor would persuade
Girls who said they had strayed
Saying their souls he’d cleanse
Holy water would dispense
As daily he would get laid
A fellow who tried to persuade
His date to dress as a maid,
Complete with a duster,
She said “No Way Buster!”,
And no, he didn’t get laid.
This one was inspired by a “New Yorker Cartoon”:
A fellow who tried to persuade
His “Intern” to work for no pay,
But she threw a loud fit,
And quickly just quit,
Shouting what do you think me, a “Slave?”
New Yorker Cartoon
A fellow once tried to persuade
His wife that his train was delayed,
But his place on the map
(From his GPS app)
Gave the lie to his shabby charade.
A woman who tried to persuade
Her cat to go under the blade
Got scratched on her nethers
Although she wore leathers.
Her pussy continues unspayed.
Oodles of good words this round!
A fellow who tried to persuade
His sweetie to marry him, paid
An exorbitant sum
To an out-of-work bum
To sing her a sweet serenade.
A woman once tried to persuade
Her suitor to drink lemonade
Spiked with ethylene glycol
In hopes he would die; stal-
wart gal wished to be an old maid.
A gal who had tried to persuade
Her guy to take “a walk” in the glade
Was ready to pop him,
Thought nothing would stop him,
But he stayed staid in the glade for the maid!
A woman once tried to persuade
Him not to ticket the error she’d made
But the cop wouldn’t budge
He said, “Tell it to the judge”
T’was then she knew her “charms” did fade.
A woman who tried tried to persuade
Folks to buy her homemade lemonade
Could not understand
The lack of demand–
She forgotten sugar, I’m afraid!
Lashing Out – a Limerick
A woman who tried to persuade
by batting fringed eyes made of jade
got nowhere with blinking
so now she’s left thinking
of lashing her tongue, hope unswayed.
With a metaphor aimed to persuade
That their missiles were “smart” when they strayed,
The generals said:
“The fish, though not dead,
Cannot swim in the desert we’ve made.”
Ha! loved your last line and the Celiac limerick above. :)
Here’s mine:
A woman who tried to persuade
her taste buds not to feel betrayed,
said, “Rocks taste earthy
and crispy crunchy.
They’re the best free snack nature made!”
(As always, visit my blog for the link to the news that inspired this rhyme.)
:o)
A fellow who tried to persuade
another to buy Escalade
Too look like a pimp
You know you can’t skimp
Smart cars don’t make the charade
A teacher who tried to persuade
A student to improve her grade
said “If no-one objects
We’ll start off with sex
I hope you won’t be too dismayed”.
A charlatan tried to persuade
his viewers that he should be paid
He preached about God,
which some folks found odd
when off-air he diddled the maid.
A lady who tried to persuade
Her boyfriend to pay for her newly done braids
Got a shocker
Pinned to her locker
‘thanks to the price.. i’m going to hang myself by night fade’
A man who tried to persuade
His lazy wife to get a maid
returning home
to find a pretty lady on the foam
oh my God .. he exclaimed
His ex girlfriend has been hired to be paid
A woman tried hard to persuade
Her husband right after they played:
“Can you go for a second?”
“I don’t think so”, he reckoned,
Without lots of hand to mouth aid.
A brother tried hard to persuade
His frat house to go on a raid,
For sheer souvenirs,
Like real Buccaneers,
Once naughty this now seems so staid.
A lecher tried to persuade
A lady to come to his aid
He fondled her titty
But oh what a pity
He could not come up to the grade.
A fellow who tried to persuade
Into a rumpled bed a young maid
Received a short no
From a face all aglow
Fresh sheets might have helped him g’laid
A fellow who tried to persuade
His gal on a carnival scale to be weighed
Was slapped hard instead
About the air and his head
Ne’re again a suggestion in public he made
A woman who tried to persuade
Her husband that this guy named Slade
Was just friend
Well did not end
Facing a check memoed SERVICES PAID
A fellow who tried to persuade
his friend to not be afraid,
said, “You’ll be okay,
for there’ll come a day
when even you will finally get laid.”
A fellow who tried to persuade
me to vote for him sure must have paid
lots of bucks for his ad,
but it just made me mad,
and I chose to ignore his tirade.
A fellow who tried to persuade
himself yellow wasn’t a shade
drew many laughs on cue
from all the many hues
when a lemon did sour his day
A violinist tried to persuade
Us to listen to his serenade
But I said to him Hubert
That is nothing like Schubert
Then I just blocked my ears and I prayed.
A gossip has tried to persuade
That her rumors are never relayed
But everyone knows
That the storyline flows
Wherever attention is paid.
Thanks for visiting my blog and the comment. :)
An actress who tried to persuade
While naked, reclining and splayed,
Was less than impressed,
When told to get dressed
As the director was gay and not swayed.
A fellow who tried to persuade
A buxom lady to meet in a glade,
Lost all of his desire
When she shed her attire
And showed she was all masquerade.
A fellow who tried to persuade,
his wife to lie back while he played,
like a pirate and plunder,
her treasures down under,
was stopped by a Navel blockade.
A woman who tried to persuade
her husband to go on parade
for community’s right
dressed in naught but blue tights
had her feelings grossly betrayed.
On G8 Summit at Camp David
G8 leaders gather to persuade
Greeks must be in Euro trade
Looks like there is no remedy
To this Greek tragedy
As Euro’s value begins to fade
The drill sergeant tried to persuade
His young private that haste should be made.
“I don’t mean to shout,
But I need to point out
That’s the pin you threw, not the grenade!”
Inspired by Jane Shelton Hoffman’s limerick over on Facebook:
A freshman had tried to persuade
His buds to a night panty raid.
But his friends said “No way,
This is UCLA
They don’t wear ‘em ‘round here, I’m afraid.
A woman who tried to persuade
The population to drink lemonade
Got into a terrible muddle
For each time she spoke it produced a bubble
To pop out in a musical serenade,
Her husband had tried to persuade
Her to give up her marital aid.
Though she feels like a traitor
She loves her vibrator
‘Cause her orgasm’s rarely man-made.
Her boyfriend had tried to persuade
Her to not wear the garment she’d made:
“The looseness of weave
Makes me truly believe
That those pants put the ‘crotch’ in crotcheted!”
A card-player tried to persuade
He was sick of the game being played
“Show me your Aces”
But the look on their faces
Only showed that their tempers were frayed.
So I found a girl I could persuade
To try on the bikini I made
It’s quite easy to spot her
(It dissolved in the water)
Now her assets are fully displayed.
There’s an adage that tries to persuade
That life’s lemons should yield lemonade.
Here’s an alternate take:
With your lemons go make
Margaritas and try to get laid.
A husband who tried to persuade
his wife to not be quite so staid
was surprised when he found
she did not stick around.
He grumbled, “Good God! I’ve been played.”
A woman who tried to persuade
her son to avoid the arcade,
said, “A major-league flaw
is the case with ‘the claw’
so you’ll lose all the cash that you’ve paid.”
A fellow who tried to persuade
some agreement for tariffs and trade
found his efforts were zilch
since each side wished to filch
all the profits the other had made.
A singer who tried to persuade
a critic to give accolade
to her voice, found a way
to his heart, ‘though risqué …
she performed a one-off serenade.
A fellow who tried to persuade
The girls that his locks hadn’t greyed
Mixed some bleach with shampoo,
Then found (when he came to)
His shoes AND his hair were blue suede.
A fellow who tried to persuade
A middle-aged gal was afraid
He’d find when once bedded
His pencil unleaded
But happy news: he made the grayed
A hooker who tried to persuade,
a numismatist who’d underpaid,
for her services got,
more coins in her slot,
than a game at the local arcade.
A woman who tried to persuade
Bill collectors that bills had been paid
Sailed off on a cruise
Where they found out her ruse
So de-shipped her and left her to wade.
You have such consistency and staying power with your verse form of choice – bravo!
A mermaid who tried to persuade
That nobody need be afraid
My assets aren’t weeny
I need no bikini
But HOW DOES a mermaid get laid?
A predator tried to persuade
the animals on which he preyed
that he wasn’t so bad
just hungry and sad
and sorry for each one he slayed.
(slew?)
A fellow who tried to persuade
A Gator from the county of Dade
to hop in his car
did not get far
Seems the Gator did not need his aide.
Good one! Thanks for making me smile.
Both parties were trying to persuade
the public about who had paid
more into the debt–
they’re arguing yet!
Could there be another downgrade?
A young man who tried to persuade
his friends that he wasn’t smashayed
but then came the sign
which changed to opine
how Debbie’s piano was played.
A young gal done tried to persuade
her mama she hadn’t been laid
she said that the doc
had just used his cock
cus his stethoscope was playin’ daid!
smiles…it’s too early for me to get my brain started on a limerick…but reading through some of the entries brought me a well needed smile…so thank you..
A Scottish man tried to persuade
He was wearing clothes under his plaid
But he had no excuse
For wearing no trews
When the wind blew and all was displayed.
An octopus tried to persuade
A set of bagpipes to get laid;
But she left his face smartin’
With a “Hands off the tartan!”
And marched off while ‘Scots Wha Hae’ played.
A lawyer who tried to persuade
A jury that big Jock MacDaid
Had been tossing the caber
When he pole-axed his neighbour,
Said, “Just one of those flings, I’m afraid.”
A husband was trying to persuade
his wife that he had to get laid
“More often than twice
a year would be nice,
and that’s why I’ve hired a maid.”
A caber tosser tried to persuade
He was better than big Jock MacDaid
Although it is risky
When you’ve had too much whiskey
It was only the cat that got spayed.
A fellow who tried to persuade
Some delights from a luscious young maid
Found the size of his flivvery
Impeding delivery
And driving delighting delayed.
already in on this one
so just dropoing by to say hey
on the OLN trail.
Nayed! Ha ha ha this seriously made me smile. The world needs more poems like this….such good humour AND well executed
A woman who tried to persuade
Her man to put her hair up in braids
Was sorry she asked
With the tangles amassed
And spent the rest of the day in a tirade!
Hi Madeleine!
Gayle ~
A fellow who tried to persuade
Me to purchase the slop he purveyed
Is now doing time
In a vat of pink slime
And feeling extremely dismayed.
A lawyer who tried to persuade
a juror to hold a buck paid
was fast on the rim
of the law’s amunim
and now is locked up and quite staid.
Hi Madeleine!
A fellow who tried to persuade
A Colombian girl to get laid
Got this answer: “Dear Agent,
I’ll do what you say, gent,
Provided I’m properly paid.”
A fellow who tried to persuade
His new girl to disrobe and get laid
Heard her say, “Up you climb,
But, my dear, take your time.
I’m far more than a one minute maid.”
A woman who tried to persuade
Her gelding to trot through a glade
Was thrown for a loop
When she landed in poop
And her horse laughed (well, actually, neighed).
OK, let’s try a clean one, just for a change of pace…
A woman tried hard to persuade
That as Veep she could well make the grade,
But we soon learned that Sarah
Had views way too narra’
And nary a brain in her haid. (You betcha.)
A porcupine tried to persuade
An old scrubbing brush to get laid;
Quizzed she, “Got myopia?
Or just want me to soap ya?”
Which startled our porc, but he stayed …
… to try, try again to persuade,
Until, with a shrug, she OK’d;
“Though I fear disappointment,”
She sighed, “So bring ointment,
In case more than your temper gets frayed.”
An athlete who tried to persuade
His agent to find him a trade,
Was told he should wait
Because, as of late,
The League thought he’d been overpaid.
and;
An agent once had to persuade
A model to find a new trade
Said he; “Not a chance
“Because, at a glance,
“It’s clear that you’ve wrinkled and grayed.”
A husband tried to persuade
A knife with a very sharp blade
To do nips and tucks
And save a few bucks
So his wife could come out of the shade.
Very clever!
An old man who tried to persuade,
some sex from a very old maid,
laid back on his bed,
and she gave him some bread.
It seems she needs a hearing aid.
A woman who tried to persuade
Her hubby to get her a maid
Got a new mop instead.
Then he kissed her and said,
“Just don’t think you gonna be paid.”
Now, our guy wasn’t out of his mind.
A better wife he never would find.
So when she gave him “the look,”
He took out his checkbook
Before she could mop his behind.
A fellow who tried to persuade
A woman into getting laid
Had no luck
With the puck
As she whacked it between his shoulder blade
A woman who tried to persuade
The tax man she’d already paid,
Got more than distressed
When he bluntly confessed
His job was to get all that she made.
A fellow who tried to persuade
His doctor to come to his aid,
Was quite overwrought
When the help that he got
Didn’t work, tho’ he paid and paid.
A woman who tried to persuade
Her husband to drink lemonade
Had spiked it with arsenic
to take on a picnic
But a boy scout came to his aid.
——————————
A man who tried to persuade
His ex-wife to come to his aid
Was met with a fist
Where’s the payments you missed?
Her punch assured he’d never get laid.
————————————
A woman who tried to persuade
Her doctor, she’d started to fade
Was told, I can see you
Which make your fear untrue
Said she, but my spouse sees only the maid.
———————————–
A man who tried to persuade
His girlfriend to think of a name
For the part he loved best
On his body (not chest!)
Was appalled when she said, how `bout Les?
I would like to try to persuade
My friends of the limerick brigade
That I’m tired at times
Of such over-used rhymes
As “panty-raid”, “made”, and “get laid”!
A fellow once tried to persuade
His professor to raise his low grade,
But said she, “It’s a sin,
The few things you turned in
Are material of which fools are made!”
A fellow who tried to persuade,
A hottie away from the glade,
With “Let’s hide from the sun,
And enjoy naughty fun”,
Very soon had her “Made in the Shade”.
A Scot who has tried to persuade
That we’ve seen the end of McDaid
Has omitted to mention
Thru lack of attention
They buried his brother in-staid.
A bill collector tried to persuade
That woman whose bills were not paid
To consider in future
Having a suture
On her purse so that spending’s delayed.
Two ham actors tried to persuade
How “Gone With the Wind” should be played;
But the audience jeered
When he “Frankly, my dear” ‘d
And she “Tomorrow’s another day” ‘d.
A young cop tried to persuade
His colleagues to set up a raid
On a house down the street
Where the ladies are sweet
But indulge in a very old trade.
A woman who failed to persuade
Her husband to sit in the shade
When killed by the weather
His skin turned to leather
A jacket and handbag she made.
A fellow once tried to persuade
Mr. Fly not to be so afraid
Of the mantis who clasped it,
Who squeezed it and grasped it,
So Fly prayed, but the mantis still preyed.
Thanks so much everyone for your many delightful limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over.
And the winner is…
Congratulations to the Limerick of the Week Winner, The Facebook Friends’ Choice Award Winner, and the Honorable Mention Winners:
Limerick of the Week 63.
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Wedded Limerick.