Show-Off Limerick (Limerick-Off Monday)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse.
I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:
A fellow was trying to show…*
or
A woman was trying to show…*
*(Minor variations to my first lines are acceptable, but rhyme words may not be altered.)
Here’s my limerick:
Show-Off Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A fellow was trying to show
He was savvy, refined, in the know.
But he blew it one night —
An embarrassing sight:
He mistook Pinot Noir for Bordeaux.
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Update: Happy Drink Wine Day! (February 18th)
Tags: Bordeaux, Drink Wine Day, Drinking Limerick, February Holidays, Limerick Contest, Odd Holidays, Pinot Noir, Poetry & Prompts, Show-Offs, Wine Humor, Wine Snob Humor, Wine Snobs, Writing Prompts
A fellow was trying to show
A gamer the things he should know
When you land here your tail
Goes straight to the Jail
No two bills and you can’t pass “Go”
A fellow was trying to show
A gal how to give him a blow
Job, and she couldn’t last
(He wasn’t very fast)
He too much, she too young, don’tcha know.
It’s not a show-off:
“A fellow was trying to show
His expertise with the bow.
An inheritance from his dad
And it became his sole fad
Why? He could never know.”
“A fellow was trying to show
How to make his body glow.
He tried something bogus,
From lab took phosphorus
Painted his body. Do you know?”
A fellow was trying to show
New tricks to his innocent beau.
“I grant you it’s confusing
It’s a phrase they are using:
You are supposed to suck, not blow.”
…
A fellow was trying to show
He too can caw like a crow.
The only thing he did lack,
Black plumage on his back,
Yet he was called Mr. Crowe.
A bold gal was trying to show
What for she became so low.
She took out her tiny purse,
Showed the ticket to Mars
Her future she failed to know.
a woman was trying to show
a house plant she could grow
all of them died
for which she cried
and bought plastic ones at the Gas-n-go
A fellow was trying to show
He could ski down the slope on one toe
His toenail went dead
So he borrowed a sled
With a team of white huskies in tow.
A woman was trying to show,
She’d happily go with the flow.
Discarding her fear,
She agreed to his dare,
And did copulate alfreso.
A woman was trying to show
Her husband-to-be how to sew.
Since her hands weren’t too nimble
When using the thimble
She ended up stitched to her beau!
A mother was trying to show
All her kids what it takes to make dough.
When the bread was all baked
The youngest one quaked,
“Oh where did my baby tooth go?”
A woman was starting to show
Cause her face was all aglow.
Life was such a thrill
But she forgot the pill
Now her tummies swelling, don’t-cha know.
A fellow was trying to show
How rain was different than snow
He cracked a smile
Getting quite vile
But when you got to go you got to go
A woman was trying to show
A conch shell she could blow
She huffed and she puffed
Then fell on her duff
Mary Mary was then all aglow
A fellow was trying to show,
But his trousers were sagging too low.
But a reef in his brief
Showed his beef in relief
And the grief he was lief to bestow.
A man was trying to show
his buddy that he could row
The boat was fine,
but too much wine,
And over the falls they go!
A fellow was trying to show
he could paint just like Vincent Van Gogh
but his ‘Starry Night’ bombed
and he could not be calmed.
Well, that’s what we ‘ear, dontcha know?
A fellow was trying to show
he could paint just like Joan Miró,
but his work? Not surreal
nor experimenteal.
Perhaps he’d more luck with Van Gogh.
A fellow was trying to show
His friend, Mary, how gardens do grow.
But, being contrary,
The difficult Mary
Insisted that he didn’t know.
“Where’s your cockle shells, love, are they near?
“Silver bells? This is hopeless, I fear.
But I’ll come to your aid
You’ll need one pretty maid.”
Said the fellow, “Know any ’round here?”
The shame!
A woman was trying to show
That she had what it took, down below,
So she tinted her minge a
Discreet shade of ginger,
To prove she was ready to go.
Hope you get the pun in L5
A woman was trying to show
Her dogs at the big one we know
When one of them peed
On a judge’s new tweed
Her chances, they went with the flow
A woman was trying to show
that she was as pure as the snow
A thrust and a parry
and “poof” went her cherry
And soon she was starting to grow
A fellow was trying to show
His order to waiter Ming Ho
He picked column A
Then changed up to say
Screw it, I’ll take the Kung Bo
A fellow was trying to show
how much he had managed to know.
When he started to speak,
his lecture was weak
and everyone knew it was snow.
A fellow was trying to show
his limericks off, but was slow.
The Man from Nantucket
had just kicked the bucket…
And everyone started to go.
A woman was trying to show
the Cartwrights some things they should know
After a toss
in the hay with ol’ Hoss
she went to the stable with Joe.
A woman was trying to show,
She could stand on her head in the Po,
I cannot conceive
What she aimed to achieve
Or did she succeed? I dunno!
A fellow was trying to show
that he certainly knew how to sew–
he hemmed up his pants
but still couldn’t dance
Cause he’d stitched both his cuffs to his toe.
Hi Mad! K.
A fellow was trying to show
His prowess at pissing in snow
He pissed his full name and his Mothers
Two of his Sisters and a Brother
He had remarkable control of his flow!!
G-Man
A fellow was trying to show
his girlfriend the right way to blow.
You are silly,’ she said,
‘I adore giving head.
I could teach you a thing or two — so!’
A woman was trying to show
an alky how to go slow.
‘Don’t up-end the jug
with a glug-glug-glug!‘
So he lined up ten bottles in a row.
A polite young man wanted to show
he’d make a sweet, sensitive beau.
But when he took her to bed,
his girl filled him with dread —
she was so wildly gung-ho.
A fellow was trying to show,
His assets to someone named Joe
But Joe took offense
And said “Have some sense
I’ll get myself some other “go”.
A woman was trying to show,
she was well qualified, “don’t cha know.”
But soon it was clear,
if you yelled in her ear,
you’d hear a resounding echo.
A woman was trying to show
how she could make her nose glow.
“Jack Daniels! Make it big!”
as she took a big swig,
saying “Hit me again, will you, Joe?”
A woman was trying to show
The podiatrist her little toe;
“Could I ask,” the nurse said,
“If you’d stand on your head?
“He once was a dentist, you know.”
haha…how can one ever mistake Pinot Noir for Bordeaux….smiles…yep…enjoyed my time in NYC…def. a city to fall in love with..
A fellow was trying to show
Just how very low language can go.
He spit out a curse,
That could not have been worse…
Where he heard it I tremble to know!
A fellow was trying to show
Just how fast he could shovel fresh snow
But his technique was appaling
And the snow kept on falling
Until it covered him up to his nose
A fellow was trying to show
a free-thinking way one could grow
outside of the city
in hills green and pretty.
He was Henry David Thoreau.
A fellow so wanted to show
some craftsman’s aplomb, but his bro
smacked his head with a pallet,
He hit back with a mallet.
Hey, Larry! Hey, Curly! Hey, Moe!
A woman who wanted to show
emotions like Greta Garbo
sighed, “Leave me alone.
I need time on my own.
Solitude is my wish. Please go.”
A pilot was trying to show
Where his airplane had crashed, let them know
That when he fired flares
He had scared polar bears
And feared he would go with the floe.
An old man was trying to show
the young how the battle did go
and on Flander’s Field,
where the blood had congealed,
the poppies had started to grow.
(hey, they can be heavy instead of funny, sometimes)
To the fellow who’s trying to show
He’s “Mensa,” not any Joe Blow,
Let me give you a clue:
If you’re stuck on IQ,
You’re a member more ways than you know.
A woman was trying to show
How well she could make her plants grow
She planted some seeds
But only grew weeds
Now she weeps more than she does sow.
A fellow was trying to show
Emotion but tears they came slow.
Until his brain flashed
On memories of cash
So he cried for all his lost dough.
A little boy trying to show
That there’s no word one needs except “no”
Hardly knew what to say
When I asked him one day,
“Isn’t school where you don’t want to go?”
I posted the wrong version of the last one. I meant to post this one, which has a small tweak. So here it is, along with two others:
A little boy trying to show
That there’s no word one needs except “no”
Was confused what to say
When I asked him one day,
“Isn’t school where you don’t want to go?”
A Buddhist was trying to show
He could chill out and go with the flow;
He could empty his brain
Of depression and pain;
But he freaked when I stepped on his toe.
An art dealer tried once to show
A mural he claimed that Miro
Had painted. One look
Said the man was a crook.
The claim that he made wasn’t so.
A fellow was trying to show
He was always in the know
He got caught
Telling rots
Reputation brought no dough
A fellow was trying to show
some ways he was saving some dough
The hamsters would float
in a tiny row boat
and one of them even said “row!”
A mom who was trying to show
her kid how to bat, catch and throw
Adjusted his stance
And cried, “Hike up your pants!
Now wiggle your bum to and fro
[commemorating the start of little league season]
A jazzman was trying to show
his band how to play “Hi De Ho”
The secret, he said
is NOT in your head …
It’s the flow that you show down below
Lolita was trying to show
a lad how to play Roshambo
“Sissors are stupid,”
sighed our little cupid
So she covered his rocks down below
I’m in with a limerick too long to post here. This is the first stanza. I hope you’ll visit my blog to read the rest of the tale, “Taketh one unicorne…”
Taketh one unicorn…
A young cook is anxious to show
That he’s a hot chef in the know.
He decides to cook something new
In a pie, soup or stew
To make diners exclaim, Yummo!”
A fellow while trying to show
His girlfriend the right way to row
A boat, called out “Stroke!”
She answered, “You joke!
What’s next? Will you tell me to ‘Blow!'”
A flasher was trying to show
His (don’t make me say it — you know)
When his zipper got stuck.
I thank God for the luck!
That’s a sight I would gladly forgo.
A singer was trying to show
How the scale starts and ends with a do.
“Re mi fa so la ti
Come between them, you see,
But there’s do both above and below.”
A fellow was trying to show
his love how to shoot with a bow
but when he went for his quiver
his thumb snagged a big sliver
and she never did see his arrow
A fellow was trying to show
that he had plenty of dough.
Wine, women and song,
until it was gone.
He wound up back down on skid row.
for him.
a fellow was trying to show
all the beaches around Idaho,
he said, “that house and garage
is just a mirage”,
Guess he read too much Daniel Defoe.
for her.
A woman was tryin to show
the right path to Heaven to go,
“stick your hand in the coals
and think of those souls
that are frying forever below”.
A cellist was trying to show
A new way to rosin hIs bow,
It wasn’t that easy
In fact very sleazy
To rub it like that at a show.
A woman was trying to show
off her lovely new azure chapeau
“It just matches my eyes…”
But her friends all surmise
That a red hat was more apropos.
A fellow was trying to show
Himself as the perfect beau
He arrived with bouquet
Homemade chocolate souffle
But her allergies forced him to go.
——————————
A woman was trying to show
Some cleavage to prisoner, Joe
He was her fiancé
She was no Beyoncé
As Joe’s cellmates soon let him know.
——————————
A fellow was trying to show
Off for a girl he didn’t know
He whistled and shouted
She said, I’ve been outed,
But you need a better line, Bro.
—————————-
A young girl was trying to show
A much older guy how to grow
Pot plants in his garden
He turned and said, Darlin’,
I smoked while you were in utero.
This one is titled “A pronunciation guide”
A young fellow was trying to show
his new hat to a prospective beaux
but she cried “Goodness sake!”
and fell into the lake,
for he wore nothing but his chapeau!
A woman was eager to show
Her love for some art by Rousseau
She posed by “The Dream”
Where the jungle did seem
Apropos for a nude scene tableau.
A fellow was trying to show
The new neighbors that he was their bro.
“I’ve got pants that are fat
And a hoodie… well, drat!
The fool thing won’t slip over my ‘fro.”
A fellow was trying to show
His daughter the right way to mow;
He’d point, as he showed ‘er,
By kicking the rotor,
But now he’s got only one toe.
A woman was trying to show
Not win or place, oh, no, no-no!
The fix it was in,
She planned not to win
But the horse, how could HE know?
A fellow was trying to show
His self-made success, but no go!
The story was funny
Due to all of Pop’s money,
So that tale’s not told any mo’!
A woman was trying to show
Her wealth while she was on the go
Her Ferrari and Rolex
Gave just the right contex’
To assure she was rollin’ in dough.
A fellow was trying to show
All he knew about sex in one go
His gal couldn’t take it
She just had to fake it
It wouldn’t hurt, what he DIDN’T know.
A woman was trying to show
That her blood sugar levels were low,
So she pricked at her thumb
And (because she was dumb)
She said, “Taste this. Needs sweetener, no?”
The White House posts photos that show
Obama and best buddy, Bo;
This, of course, evokes Mitt’s
Abused Setter’s shit fits,
A tale better not told blow by blow.
Johanna:
A young gal was trying to show
On Mom’s lim’ site she’d give it a go
Good beat and clever–great rhyme!
What’ll she do with a little more time?!
Have we just seen a future pro?
A woman was trying to show
That her fabulous fur was just faux
“If this was real sable,
“Would I ever be able
“To wear it like this, full flambeau?”
A woman was trying to show
the breasstroke to her best friend, Joe.
But there in the pool
He looked like a fool
for freaking about undertow
A fellow was trying to show
That he was endowed well below
So he cautioned his date
I’m about to inflate
I might faint from diverted blood flow.
A fellow was trying to show
His honey he needed to go
But his weird, half-baked scheme
Made the neighbor kids scream
When he peed her name into the snow.
A fellow was trying to show
That his lawn really needed a mow.
His wife wasn’t there
So he called mama bear
And asked her to give it a go.
A woman was trying to show
Off her wares for two dollars a throw.
But what she did best
Is done best in the west
So here’s my advice: Westward ho!
A fellow was trying to show
How to get what you want, quid pro quo.
I thought he said ‘squid’
So here’s what I did…
No, I didn’t. I couldn’t, you know.
A fellow was trying to show
How to save by the stuff you forego.
And so I forewent
Not a nicket was spent.
Does that give me joy? Answer: No!
A sous chef was trying to show
How to French fry his spuds, comme il faut.
But his class yelled out “Freedom!
Call them that and we’ll eedom.”
What the chef said was not apropos.
A fellow was trying to show
How to eat only one Cheerio.
And when he was done
I said, “That isn’t one.”
It’s zero, my friend. Tally O.”
An old woman wanted to show
Heads still turned wheresoever she’d go
“It’s the art of the tease,”
She said, ’til a strong breeze
Showed us more than we wanted to know.
In his car, Lester wanted to show
His pal Moe just how fast they could go
As he raced with the train
He tried something insane
And so now there’s no Les and no Moe.
A fellow was trying to show
How to write limericks like a pro.
Just steal from Schechter
Said Hannibal Lecter
And cannibalize it just so.
A fellow was trying to show,
How easy it was making dough,
For pizza or bread,
But ended instead,
With matzoh, and fluffy? Well, No.
A fellow was trying to show,
His manhood while she made it grow,
Because one condition,
of this porn audition,
was showing each act, blow-by-blow.
A fellow was trying to show,
His talent for making laughs flow:
Shake Tequilla on Ice,
With limes you squeeze twice,
Then add just a dash of cointreau.
A daughter of mine tried to show
Her neurons were nimble, mine slow
When she, lickety split,
Beat me rickety wit —
I fear soon she’ll be my CEO!
A farmer was trying to show
That the government owed him some dough
They showed him instead
That he’s still in the red
And how much he’ll E-I-E-I-owe.
Grumpy the dwarf tried to show
That someone had snorted his blow
When he opened the door
He found Doc and two more
All in bed with Snow White, that high ho’!
Thanks everyone for yet another week of funny limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Congratulations to the Limerick of the Week Winner, The Facebook Friends’ Choice Award Winner and the Honorable Mention Winners! Limerick of the Week 56
But don’t worry — you can still have lots of limerick-writing fun. A new Limerick-Off has already begun: Snappish Limerick