Foretell the future?
Easy! Just predict that you’ll
break resolutions.
*****
Why bother making
fresh New Year’s resolutions?
Re-attempt last year’s.
*****
The first haiku was prompted by Theme Thursday’s future prompt.
Archive for December, 2011
New Year’s Resolutions Haiku
Thursday, December 29th, 2011Potty-Mouthed Dolls — I’m Not Toying With You (Limerick)
Tuesday, December 27th, 2011Toys “R” Us seems to be selling some potty-mouthed dolls:
Pauline Davis bought some last minute presents for her grandchildren Christmas Eve, but when she brought three talking dolls back to her Oaklyn, N.J. home, she got a rude surprise.
The dolls giggle, coo, and then say something that sounds exactly like, “OK, crazy bitch.”
The three dolls called “You and Me Play and Giggle Triplets” are made just for the Toys “R” Us brand, and Toys “R” Us is sticking by its alleged potty-mouthed pixies.
Potty-Mouthed Dolls — I’m Not Toying With You (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Toys “R” Us has encountered a hitch
In its baby doll sales and it’s rich.
They should babble and burble,
But these dolls are verbal:
They exclaim loud and clear “Crazy Bitch.”
Bugged By Ads (Humor Column)
Monday, December 26th, 2011This “torment your pet frog” video, which features an iPad screen depicting tasty-looking insects, reminded me of an old humor column of mine:
Bugged By Ads
By Madeleine Begun Kane
If you saw what looked like an insect on your television screen, what weapon would you reach for? A wad of tissues, perhaps? Okay, let’s make the bug more menacing than your average house invader — let’s make it a cockroach.
I’m guessing you’d grab a sacrificial magazine, roll it up, and take a swing at the screen. A swing strong enough to demolish the roach (you hope), while leaving your TV set more or less intact.
I’m also guessing you’d avoid guaranteed glass shatterers like hammers, drills, and chain saws. And up till this very moment, I would have sworn that a motorcycle helmet would sit atop the no-no list. Apparently, I was wrong.
A Tampa, Florida woman actually threw a motorcycle helmet at a TV screen roach. Overkill? I’d say so. Especially when you consider that:
1. The helmet trashed her screen; and
2. Her TV screen was cockroach-free.
No, I’m not talking about an LSD-crazed youth doing battle with hallucinated insects. I’m talking about a grown and presumably sober person who (along with other TV viewers) was suckered by Orkin Pest Control’s all too realistic ad featuring an animated roach crawling across the screen.
Like many others who were taken in by Orkin’s ad campaign, this Tampa woman was determined to kill the roach. Unfortunately, the only thing she managed to kill was her television set.
End of story? Of course not. This happened in the USA where people, including our helmet-wielding woman, want to be compensated for their injuries.
Now I’m a recovering lawyer and I used to handle my share of civil … and uncivil … litigation. So you might ask me what I’d do if I were consulted by the owner of a TV set destroyed by a motorcycle helmet aimed at a nonexistent roach.
Being a cautious and thorough attorney, I’d carefully evaluate the case by asking questions like:
1. Your one-of-a-kind, irreplaceable helmet was badly dented, right?
2. Have you had full body x-rays to check for internal TV screen glass shards?
3. How’s the helmet flinging-induced carpal tunnel syndrome progressing?
4. Why aren’t you seeking treatment for your extremely painful ducking to avoid glass-induced whiplash?
Orkin doesn’t appear to be worried about litigation. In fact, Orkin’s treating the whole matter with a sense of humor. It even ran an Orkin “Got Me” drawing at its (Orkin.com) Web site, asking viewers to describe (by April 30th) how its “fake out” cockroach crawling across the screen ad campaign “got” them. According to the submission information, “ALL ENTRANTS will be placed in a random drawing for a BRAND NEW TELEVISION.”
I was planning to email an entry myself, but I had a bit of a mishap: The roach that adorns Orkin’s submit button looked so real, I threw my shoe at it and broke my computer screen.
Dip Your Toes In Limericks (Limerick-Off Monday)
Sunday, December 25th, 2011Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house
Our Menorah was glowing
And so was my mouse.
A new Lim’rick-Off posting
Was due in a flash:
My virtual gift
For your holiday bash.
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner plus the Honorable Mentions.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, and cleverness. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, you can find some helpful resources listed here.)
I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse.
I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:
A fellow who’d stepped on some toes…*
or
A woman who’d stepped on some toes…*
*(Minor variations to my first lines are acceptable, but rhyme words may not be altered.)
Here’s my limerick:
Dip Your Toes In Limericks
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A fellow who’d stepped on some toes
Was concerned about threats from two foes.
Far from being his fans,
They had murderous plans.
But instead, both his foes decompose.
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please send me an email requesting the alerts. You’ll find my email address on the upper right sidebar, in the “Author” section just below my Limerick-Offs button. Thanks!
Limerick of the Week (41)
Sunday, December 25th, 2011It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off. But first…
Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house
Not a creature was stirring
Except for my mouse.
The Lim’rick-Off judging
Cried out to be done
Cuz participants longed
To find out just who won.
I’m very pleased to announce the winning Limerick of the Week and the Honorable Mentions:
Congratulations to Byron Miller a/k/a Errol Nimbly who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
A young fellow was planning to back
Well away from the cougar’s attack,
But she managed a pin
With a bottle of gin
And the weight of her double G rack.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Robert Schechter, Stephen Earp, Johanna Richmond, and Konrad Schwoerke. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Robert Schechter:
A fellow was planning to back
The bail-out of failed Fannie Mac.
But then he said, “Why
Should those assholes, not I,
Be the ones who end up in the black?”
Stephen Earp:
A fellow was planning to back
His hole cards of seven and jack.
But flop, turn and river
All failed to deliver
And cost him the rest of his stack.
Johanna Richmond:
A woman was planning to back
An employee she knew she should sack;
His immense asset package
Prevented his sackage —
You might say he slipped through the crack.
Konrad Schwoerke:
A fellow was planning to back
An irrational war in Iraq,
But his partner requested:
“Rethink this when rested,
And further — quit smoking that crack!”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
Haiku Friday
Friday, December 23rd, 2011This haiku quartet was inspired by sundry poetry prompts linked below:
Preoccupation:
the state you’re in right before
landing a new job.
*****
Haiku can uplift
all our holiday spirits.
Better yet — champagne.
*****
Our poetry prompts—
an unhealthy obsession?
No! When’s the next one?
*****
If I could create
a lovely haiku today,
I’d be ecstatic.
*****
These haiku were written for these prompts: Occupy, Spirit, Ecstasy, Health and for The Purple Treehouse’s Haiku Prompt.
Planning To Back Limericks (Limerick-Off Monday)
Sunday, December 18th, 2011It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner plus the Honorable Mentions.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, and cleverness. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, you can find some helpful resources listed here.)
I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse.
I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:
A fellow was planning to back…*
or
A woman was planning to back…*
*(Minor variations to my first lines are acceptable, but rhyme words may not be altered.)
Here’s my limerick:
Planning To Back Limericks
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A fellow was planning to back
A man who was clearly a hack.
When people asked why
He’d support such a guy,
“I get paid to,” he said. “I’m a flack.”
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please send me an email requesting the alerts. You’ll find my email address on the upper right sidebar, in the “Author” section just below my Limerick-Offs button. Thanks!
Limerick of the Week (40)
Sunday, December 18th, 2011It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off. I’m very pleased to announce the winning Limerick of the Week and the Honorable Mentions:
Congratulations to KATHY EL-ASSAL who wins Limerick of the Week for this clever verse:
A guy who was terribly high
From putting his thumb in a pie
Had pulled out a plum
Soaked in 50 proof rum
And said, “How besotted am I?”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Robert Schechter, Konrad Schwoerke, Ira Bloom, Phyllis Sterling Smith a/k/a Granny Smith, Johanna Richmond and Byron Miller a/k/a Errol Nimbly. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Robert Schechter:
A man who was terribly high
Attempted to tie his own tie.
The thing got so tangled
The poor man was strangled.
The moral: Wear clip-ons, or die.
Konrad Schwoerke:
A man who was terribly high
Felt a penis while stroking her thigh.
“Even fried as a fritter,
I’m not a switch-hitter!
I think I’ll keep passing on bi.”
Ira Bloom:
A man who was terribly high
On the food chain, at last had to die.
He was known, in his day,
To be quite the gourmet,
But the worms found him tasteless and dry.
Phyllis Sterling Smith a/k/a Granny Smith:
A gal who was terribly high
On a swing-set let out a loud cry:
“Chicken Little was right!
It’s a real scary sight —
First the rise then the fall of the sky!”
Johanna Richmond:
A gal who is terribly high
Knows her face looks suspiciously sly;
Though she tries to sound grave,
More like straight folks behave,
She’s betrayed by the wink in her eye.
Byron Miller a/k/a Errol Nimbly:
A man who was terribly high
Had been living with pigs in a sty.
When I asked if he knew
That he smelled like a zoo,
He addressed me, “oink-oink” in reply.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
A Limerick To Bear In Mind
Friday, December 16th, 2011This limerick was inspired by these two news stories:
1) Cable guy finds sleeping bear in NJ basement; and
2) Black bear hitched a ride in garbage truck to downtown Vancouver.
A Limerick To Bear In Mind
By Madeleine Begun Kane
I’m not shocked that wild bears misbehave.
We’ve been stealing their homes as we pave.
So in cellars they hide
And in garbage trucks ride:
That’s called thinking outside of the cave.
High Limerick (Limerick-Off Monday)
Sunday, December 11th, 2011It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner plus the Honorable Mentions.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, and cleverness. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, you can find some helpful resources listed here.)
I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse.
I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:
A man who was terribly high…*
or
A gal who was terribly high…*
*(Minor variations to my first lines are acceptable, but rhyme words may not be altered.)
Here’s my limerick:
High Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A man who was terribly high
Looked down at his friends with a sigh.
“Getting up here’s a cinch,
But I can’t move an inch.
Climbing downward seems pie in the sky.”
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please send me an email requesting the alerts. You’ll find my email address on the upper right sidebar, in the “Author” section just below my Limerick-Offs button. Thanks!
Limerick of the Week (39)
Sunday, December 11th, 2011It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off. I’m very pleased to announce the winning Limerick of the Week and the Honorable Mentions:
Congratulations to ROBERT SCHECHTER who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
A man who was frequently prone
To sitting all day on the throne,
Said, “It’s great to be king,
But there’s only one thing:
It’s a toilet, and I’m in Bayonne.”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Johanna Richmond, Kathy El-Assal, Edmund Conti, Elaine Spall,
David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose, Drew Nicholson, and John Peter Larkin. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Johanna Richmond:
A gal who was frequently prone
To engaging in sex on the phone
Found repeat business hard
Since her number was barred
By the women whose husbands she’d blown.
Kathryn El-Assal:
A gal who was frequently prone
To a French existentialist tone
Hung out with Camus
And Jean-Paul Sartre, too.
To her friends, she was known as Simone.
Edmund Conti:
A guy who was frequently prone
To lying face down when alone
Said, “It may not show class
When exposing my ass,
But it beats out what else could be shown.”
Elaine Spall:
A fellow was frequently prone
To be licking and chewing a bone.
When he started to nibble
Some leftover kibble
The doghouse was where he was thrown.
David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose:
A gal who was frequently prone
From indulging in much Côtes du Rhône
Raised a glass (in a dream)
At a bistro in Nîmes,
While asleep on the floor in Bayonne.
Drew Nicholson:
A guy who was frequently prone
To refusing to spend time alone
Said “My name’s Herman Cain.
I suspend my campaign,
But I’ll take VP offers by phone.”
John Peter Larkin:
A guy who was frequently prone
Was happy his seed had been sown.
His girl had said no
But she gave him the go
When he found her erogenous zone.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
Cruising For Laughs
Thursday, December 8th, 2011I learned some valuable lessons during the second annual Lewis Black Comedy Cruise:
1: When stand-up comics like Lewis Black, Kathleen Madigan, John Bowman, Vic Henley, Mike Wilmot, Greg Proops, Jeff Stilson, and Tim Wilson are having great difficulty standing up, they aren’t necessarily drunk. It could also be THE HURRICANE.
2. My husband’s delusions of grandeur are no longer confined to his thinking he’s both a lawyer and an MD. He now thinks he’s a comedian.
Yes, hubby Mark Kane actually did a three-minute routine on “amateur comic night” — his virgin performance — and he did amazingly well.
And no, I didn’t perform any of my limericks. Why not? Because I can’t even remember what I wrote 30 seconds ago.
3) When you rumba really fast, and with lots of enthusiasm, it passes for dancing … at least on a ship-load of Lewis Black groupies.
Okay, right now you’re probably saying to yourself, “What’s with all this prose? I want me some limericks!”
Well don’t worry. I’ve written a half-dozen limericks about the cruise and some of the comedians who made it so much fun:
Cruising For Laughs
By Madeleine Begun Kane
We went cruising with Lew, Vic, Kathleen,
John and Wilmot, whose act sure ain’t clean.
Also Tim, Jeff and Greg,
And some hurricane — Meg???
Comics bravely tried not to careen.
*****
Limerick Ode To Vic Henley
By Madeleine Begun Kane
The stand-up comedian Vic
Has a wit that’s incredibly quick.
He hails from the south,
But his city-smart-mouth
Conjures up multi-cultural schtick.
*****
Limerick Ode To Mike Wilmot
By Madeleine Begun Kane
The off-color comic named Mike
Tells some jokes that the squeamish might spike.
But his musical tales
Provoked huge laughter gales.
So Mike’s funny, but leave home your tyke.
*****
Mad Kane At Sea
By Madeleine Begun Kane
I’m afraid that I’m feeling at sea:
I went cruising — a comedy spree
With Lew Black and his crew,
Who were funny on cue.
How I miss all that laughter and glee!
*****
Limerick Ode To Greg Proops
By Madeleine Begun Kane
The brilliant Greg Proops hurts my brain.
His routines nearly drive me insane:
His mind is so fast,
And his humor’s a blast,
Yielding laughter that leaves me in pain.
*****
Pining For Lew
By Madeleine Begun Kane
I’m afraid I don’t know what to do,
Cuz I’m pining away for dear Lew.
To wait a full year
For more Lewis cruise cheer?
Such pain can’t be borne by this Jew.
*****
(You can read my limericks about the 2010 cruise here and my Kathleen Madigan limerick here.)
Prone Limerick (Limerick-Off Monday)
Sunday, December 4th, 2011It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner plus the Honorable Mentions.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, and cleverness. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, you can find some helpful resources listed here.)
I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse.
I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:
A guy who was frequently prone…
or
A gal who was frequently prone…
Here’s mine:
Prone Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A guy who was frequently prone
To gamble with cash from a loan,
Dealt with lenders who whack
When you don’t pay them back.
Now he’s prone in cement, grave unknown.
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please send me an email requesting the alerts. You’ll find my email address on the upper right sidebar, in the “Author” section just below my Limerick-Offs button. Thanks!
Limerick of the Week (38)
Sunday, December 4th, 2011It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off. I’m very pleased to announce the winning Limerick of the Week and the Honorable Mentions:
Congratulations to IRA BLOOM who wins Limerick of the Week for this clever verse:
A fellow whose last dime was spent
On toner, proceeded to vent:
“That HP ink-jet
We were eager to get
Now’s the printer of our discontent.”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Edmund Conti, Robert Schechter, Veralynne Bosko Pepper, Phyllis Sterling Smith a/k/a Granny Smith, Jane Shelton Hoffman, and Arthur Goikhman a/k/a SurrealGames. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Edmund Conti:
A fellow whose last dime was spent
Decided to sell his one stent.
His search was in vain.
Do I need to explain
That pun which you’ll come to resent?
Robert Schechter:
A woman whose last dime was spent
Entertaining an indigent gent,
Said, “I’m such a dumb bunny.
I thought he had money!
But that’s not what ‘indigent’ meant.”
Veralynne Bosko Pepper:
A woman whose last dime was spent
Found the key to her lock box was bent.
Oh, what could she do?
Solicit a screw?
In a blur, to the bar off she went.
Phyllis Sterling Smith a/k/a Granny Smith:
A fellow whose last dime was spent,
Not despairing, went on to invent
A money machine
Like none before seen.
Can you guess to which prison he went?
Jane Shelton Hoffman:
A fellow whose last dime was spent
Had no money for food or for rent.
He committed a crime
So he could do time
And live on the taxpayers’ cent.
Arthur Goikhman a/k/a SurrealGames:
A fellow whose last dime was spent
On proving he had no intent
Was guilty as sin
But savored his win,
Since no one dug up the cement.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
Black Eye (Limerick)
Thursday, December 1st, 2011Black Eye (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A woman who had a black eye
Was stopped on the street and asked why.
When her mate said, “She fell,”
They thought “husband from hell.”
His story they just wouldn’t buy.
But she really did fall on her face.
(She’d been rushing, as if in a race.)
So she told them, “Please stop.
“I do NOT need a cop.
“It’s my pace that’s at fault. He’s an ace.”
Author’s Note: I case anyone’s wondering, this really happened to me a couple of week’s ago. Mark and I were in Manhattan, on the way to see The Judy Show: My Life as a Sitcom with Judy Gold. We were running late, and I was walking so fast, you could call it running.
I tripped, fell down really hard, and two week’s later my face is still recovering. But at least I no scare longer people … or make them think I’m an abused spouse.
And no, we never got to see that show. But we did have a great Indian meal before I ruined our night by taking that stupid spill.
UPDATE: I really must thank the owners and management of Angelo And Maxie’s, a well-respected seafood and steak restaurant that’s a couple of doors away from where I fell. They could not have been nicer and more helpful, quickly giving me tons of ice, towels, bandages and a first aid kit. They even let me take over their ladies room for at least twenty minutes. I’m looking forward to actually dining there in the near future.
